ex dysregulating badly; any advice?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, all, 

Some advice needed if you can.  I left my diagnosed BPD/NPDexbf 10 days ago for hopefully the last time, broke LC BADLY yesterday as explained in another thread.  He is going insane with guilt-inducing accusations and what I think may be manipulation today, calling and messaging constantly about the pain he is in, how I am ruining his life, how he is too depressed to function etc.  ALL he wants me to do is come back and be FWB with him with "no demands", just to "get along" and be a "friend" and not "hate him" because he is a "good man".  He is "okay being used" because it's "better than nothing" and I told him clearly that would NOT happen and I have far too much respect for him to do that (in fact I'm pretty sure he just wants to use ME).  I have validated the fact that he is indeed a good man, I still care for him very much, and this was a breakup that was based on good, solid logical reasons - not that I was seeing anybody else or that I had fallen out of love with him.

He has done this in the past and I have  gone back over and over again to yet another nightmare and I don't want to do that again, but he seems so utterly lost.  He has no friends and his family is a nightmare.  I feel SO guilty and awful, I feel that I cant go NC now, but he is blowing up my FB inbox (temporarily blocked him on my phone) and I have gotten nothing done today but respond to him, sometimes kindly, sometimes angrily.

What's the BEST AND KINDEST way to handle this?  I offered to call crisis for him, but he told me he would sue me if I did.  Last week, I reached out to his therapist and left her a message saying briefly that she might wish to reach out to him (my T suggested this) and I am beside myself.

Have some of you gone through this with with your exes and what did you do?  He will NOT accept the b/u, he will NOT stop calling/messaging me, and he will probably show up here soon for all I know. 

I don't want to hurt him, but this is hurting me terribly.  I fully acknowledge the combination of abandonment and narcissistic injury he is going through, but am I supposed to spend my life being miserable so I can be his emotional crutch? 

Thank you for any words of wisdom... .this is an awful day. I never wanted to hurt him, but I just couldn't tolerate the emotional and verbal abuse any longer.

[chillamom]

Hi, all, 

Some advice needed if you can.  I left my diagnosed BPD/NPDexbf 10 days ago for hopefully the last time, broke LC BADLY yesterday as explained in another thread.  He is going insane with guilt-inducing accusations and what I think may be manipulation today, calling and messaging constantly about the pain he is in, how I am ruining his life, how he is too depressed to function etc.  ALL he wants me to do is come back and be FWB with him with "no demands", just to "get along" and be a "friend" and not "hate him" because he is a "good man".  He is "okay being used" because it's "better than nothing" and I told him clearly that would NOT happen and I have far too much respect for him to do that (in fact I'm pretty sure he just wants to use ME).  I have validated the fact that he is indeed a good man, I still care for him very much, and this was a breakup that was based on good, solid logical reasons - not that I was seeing anybody else or that I had fallen out of love with him.

He has done this in the past and I have  gone back over and over again to yet another nightmare and I don't want to do that again, but he seems so utterly lost.  He has no friends and his family is a nightmare.  I feel SO guilty and awful, I feel that I cant go NC now, but he is blowing up my FB inbox (temporarily blocked him on my phone) and I have gotten nothing done today but respond to him, sometimes kindly, sometimes angrily.

What's the BEST AND KINDEST way to handle this?  I offered to call crisis for him, but he told me he would sue me if I did.  Last week, I reached out to his therapist and left her a message saying briefly that she might wish to reach out to him (my T suggested this) and I am beside myself.

Have some of you gone through this with with your exes and what did you do?  He will NOT accept the b/u, he will NOT stop calling/messaging me, and he will probably show up here soon for all I know. 

I don't want to hurt him, but this is hurting me terribly.  I fully acknowledge the combination of abandonment and narcissistic injury he is going through, but am I supposed to spend my life being miserable so I can be his emotional crutch? 

Thank you for any words of wisdom... .this is an awful day. I never wanted to hurt him, but I just couldn't tolerate the emotional and verbal abuse any longer.

[rfriesen]

Hi chillamom,
I have read your posts over the past several days and my heart goes out to you over this incredibly painful situation.

As I'm sure you already know, there aren't any words of wisdom that can miraculously fix the pain and the feelings of guilt. I can say that, from what I can see of the situation through your posts, it sounds like the best thing you can do for both yourself and him is to let him know you need to stop communicating, as that is what you both need to recover some sense of emotional stability. And then to enforce those boundaries as needed.

I understand that he will continue bombarding you for some time, and that you will continue to feel horribly guilty for some time. I have been there, and even several months later the feelings of guilt still hurt terribly sometimes. But, for your own sake and his, the best approach may be to face those feelings without letting them dictate how you react.

As I'm sure you also know, the feeling of being abandoned is devastating for pwBPD. The kindest thing you likely can do for your ex is to step away only once more, without ambiguity. I learned this the drawn-out, painful way with my ex.

Good luck to you working through this pain 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey CM-

I have validated the fact that he is indeed a good man, I still care for him very much, and this was a breakup that was based on good, solid logical reasons - not that I was seeing anybody else or that I had fallen out of love with him.

So there's the focus.  It's common for our heads and hearts to disagree right now, and think about it this way: following your heart will lead you into pain, as you've proved a bunch, while following your head is good, solid and logical.  Best to follow your head right now, since it's all you can trust until you detach yes?

What's the BEST AND KINDEST way to handle this? 

Stay the course.  Letting go and acting in your best interest is painful right now, feels selfish in a bad way, and flies in the face of your compassionate, caring side that wants to soothe him.  And soothing him is depleting for you, and if we don't take care of ourselves first we have nothing to give.

Have some of you gone through this with with your exes and what did you do? 

Disappeared.  And knew she was a survivor, you have to be to live with this disorder, and she did survive, thrived even, in her way.

am I supposed to spend my life being miserable so I can be his emotional crutch? 

Only if you want to.  The protocol is don't communicate with him, if you do keep it short and boring, talk things not emotions, talk about him and not you, don't engage emotionally.  That will be difficult, so most of us found just not communicating at all better and easier.  And he will find a new attachment and/or eventually accept the one with you is severed, if you sever it, it will have to be you, he won't.

Hang in there CM, the hardest part is at the beginning, it gets easier, one foot in front of the other, faith for now, resolve will come.  Take care of you!

[once removed]

there is an alternative you can consider. its only one option, and it will require a lot of strength and resolve. tell him you will only communicate with him by email. let him blow up your email if thats what he does. skim them. dont take them personally. be boring, as  fromheeltoheal suggested. dont engage the issues he raises.

the goal would be for him to slowly lose the incentive to contact you. its not the "right" answer - its just one option and it could potentially return things to a calmer state (you might avoid him showing up, or escalating). you have to be committed and ready to do this. if youre not, and its going to hurt, do what you have to do, and what you think is right.

[prettyflowers]

I fully acknowledge the combination of abandonment and narcissistic injury he is going through, but am I supposed to spend my life being miserable so I can be his emotional crutch? ... .I never wanted to hurt him, but I just couldn't tolerate the emotional and verbal abuse any longer.

You're in a tough place and it sounds as if you feel trapped and exhausted. You care about him and don't want him to suffer. Yet, you can't take it anymore and have found the strength to stand by your decision to move on. To answer your question, no, you are not supposed to spend your life being miserable so you can be his emotional crutch. However, you've been worn down to the point that you've been made to believe that you're obligated to do and be that.

The line I drew for myself when I had a BPD person in my life who threatened self-harm was this: If she refused my offers to reach out for outside professional help, I told her that I'd done all I could do to support her and that it was up to her now to realize that I'm not the answer to getting through her pain. I also told her this: "Threatening to end your life is a medical emergency. As such, my response to any such threats will be to take you seriously and call 911."

Although it might seem cold and detached, it's setting a clear limit with a concrete consequence. Of course, if you go this route, you have to follow through and actually call 911 to request a welfare check if he tests you on this. (His threat to sue you is baseless, BTW.) If you're truly done and want to make your way out of this relationship and eventually out of contact with him, the stance and tone you have to take now is one of "I mean business."

Take some time to decide what your bottom line is. Come up with no more than three clear, simple sentences (one is ideal, actually) that you'll use each time you respond to him. Choose only one method of communication that you're willing to use to engage with him and keep even that to the barest minimum until you're ready to end communication altogether. Don't expect to be heard or understood. Expect that he'll continue to do what he's doing until he realizes he's banging his head against a wall that won't budge.

Take good care of YOU now.

[Mutt]

Hi chillamom,

He is going insane with guilt-inducing accusations and what I think may be manipulation today, calling and messaging constantly about the pain he is in, how I am ruining his life, how he is too depressed to function etc.

I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult period. I had a similar experience like other members, you have great advice so far, I just want to leave you with a link for the phenomenon your ex is going through, it may help you with depersonalizing the behavior. This will pass.

So what do we do?  When the person with Borderline Personality Disorder becomes dysregulated or depressed. bpdfamily.com recommends that you give them the space to self sooth - not try to do it for them.  Take a deep breath and politely and non-aggressively disengage. It’s not easy to block out the distraction and emotional pleas for our attention, yet it is only with a critical pause that we can really stay on a constructive and healthy pathway.

This act is called extinction. We essentially remove our reinforcement in an attempt to stop the  behavior. We simply stop rewarding the behavior.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

[chillamom]

Thank you, rfriesen, I do need know that a lack of communication is needed here, because I've been JADEing all day and of course, it has gotten me nowhere.  It is very triggering for me to hear that I never cared about him, that I never tried to work things out, etc., and even though it is blatantly untrue my heart breaks for him.  I think if I had not seen him yesterday he might be on a more even keel, so guilt is pretty heavily weighing upon me.  It is utterly time to take the advice of the good people here, as well as my friends and my T, and kindly disengage.  It's going to hurt, and I appreciate you reaching out to me, thank you.

[chillamom]

Thank you, from heeltoheal, my head is definitely "not in the game" too well right now. I appreciate your words, and also your own mention of the fact that your ex survived and even thrived quite nicely after a time.  Mine has survived quite a bit because of his disorder as well, and I'm sure he'll get through one way or the other.  He will find someone else to "latch" onto at some point and I will be as black as midnight.  So be it.

[chillamom]

once removed, the email idea strikes me as excellent, particularly since I am reluctant to completely cut off all communication due to a) my ridiculous level of empathy and b) flat-out fear, instilled partially by my T who thinks ex might become violent at some point.  Honestly, he's too lazy to email, so this might be a wonderful "way out" off the current labyrinth.  I'm going to do it, thank you so much!

[chillamom]

prettyflowers, thank you.  "trapped and exhausted" sounds pretty accurate for sure.  He has not yet threatened self-harm per se, but I agree with you that if he does 911 and help sent to his home would be done without hesitation.  Thank the Lord that he has not attempted before, because I have read about members who have dealt with this horror more than once.  And I agree that the "business" like tone is needed here, it seems cold and horrific, but an authoritative stance is probably best.  I just have to disengage my heart, or like many times before, it will be back on the roller coaster for me and I CAN'T.  I like the idea of the clear, simple sentences - I tend to be verbose - my T had suggested sounding like a broken record.  I get the idea that if I don't provide reinforcement of any type, things will eventually become quieter, and I need to think that way now.

[chillamom]

Thanks, Mutt, I did know about extinction bursts but it was very helpful to be reminded and to be told once again that this is what is taking place.  Reading the article was helpful, and I agree that "depersonalizing" this and realizing that what he is doing is hardly unique may help.  I just hate to be the (current) reason for his dysregulation... .

[once removed]

I am reluctant to completely cut off all communication due to a) my ridiculous level of empathy and b) flat-out fear, instilled partially by my T who thinks ex might become violent at some point.  

i caution you: dont do it for either of these reasons. both are hooks. do you have reason to believe he would become violent?

this method will be treacherous territory if minimizing drama and detaching arent your goal. and i failed to mention, this is a boundary that is up to you to enforce. if he contacts you by other methods, and he may, dont respond; keep it 100% email on your end. all of this behavior is, as  Mutt mentioned, about an extinction burst.

[chillamom]

Once removed, minimizing drama and detaching are indeed my goals, as hard as they will be.  And he has never been physically abusive to me in any way, but he has broken parts of the interior of my car, punched a hole in my wall, and thrown things around.  I have observed him literally tear apart his parents' outside staircase in a rage.  So he can get quite volatile, although with me he specialized in the verbal and emotional varieties of abuse.  I do think I will be able to do the 100% email method and I am going to inform him of this, and then go ahead.  At least it keeps a "channel" of some sort open, which will make him feel heard at some level, I suppose.

[drained1996]

Chillamom,

I see you've decided the email route, just a suggestion, I would make sure to only check several times a day... .certainly not constantly.  And only check when YOU are in a good place.  Nighttime from my experience is not a good time at all to be checking.  Keep your boundaries and know we are here anytime!