Positive Update

[HurtAndTired]

Hi all,

I feel like I am usually posting due to a crisis, so I wanted to share a positive update on the progress I have been making in my marriage. I started placing and enforcing healthy boundaries back in August of last year, so I have been "working the program" for about six months. During this time I have had all physical abuse cease (the police showing up gave her a a "scared straight" experience on this one), splitting episodes have lessened in frequency and duration, verbal abuse (swearing, name-calling, etc.) has noticeably diminished (especially in front on S2), emotional abuse (especially silent treatment) has reduced in frequency and duration (one-month split/silent treatment in August to 2 days of split/silent treatment a week ago), and my wife is becoming more self-aware of her unacceptable behaviors and when she has crossed a boundary.

Do we still have a long way to go? Absolutely, but the progress is really amazing considering how bad things were just a short time ago. What gives me the most hope are small glimpses of self-awareness that pop up unexpectedly. For example, several weeks ago when she was going through a split and was name-calling and generally being nasty and snarky in our bedroom right before bed and I called her out on it she said, "I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't call you names in front of S2!" It is still not ok that she was name-calling, but her comment shows that the seed planted about not verbally abusing me in front of our son has sprouted and taken root.

I see that the road ahead is long and difficult, but I am here to tell you all that things can and do get better if you enforce your boundaries 100% of the time. It is exhausting being now not only hyperaware of her behavior but having to also be hyperaware of my own behavior and responses to her (so as to not slip and reinforce bad behavior), but even that is becoming easier the longer I do it. My therapist assures me that even though we have to interact with our pwBPD in ways that feel unnatural and counterintuitive to bring stability into the relationship, it eventually becomes second nature when we have done it long enough. I owe a lot to the folks here for great advice and give a big shout-out to "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad. This book has given me not only the tools I need to bring sanity to my home, but also the backbone needed to follow through and remain consistent. If you haven't read it, I can't recommend it highly enough.

Thank you, everyone, for your constant support, I don't think I would be where I am now without you.

HurtAndTired

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

I have done something very similar, I started in earnest in October 2022, didn't see any progress until November 2022, and then steady progress next few months, with several extinction bursts, then really good progress, until a couple months ago, where it has stalled as all of the 'low hanging' therapeutic fruit has been picked - now I am trying to address the more difficult stuff; however, that is becoming increasingly difficult.  For the most part it is much less insane.  Her rages are reduced by over 90%, and most of the symptoms are also reduced.  However, my wife has lapses, and had a full out borderline episode on the 16th complete with borderline splitting my D completely black, and had her in tears, has a projection of physical violence (threw a shovel in anger towards or in the vicinity of my daughter) - the first time she was physically violent since December 2022, was yelling at the top of her lungs with a borderline rage.

I can use the analogy of taming a lion or tiger, they will always remain a wild entity, and on a bad (stressful) day, they still can turn on you even with extensive boundaries that are meticulously maintained. [Think Siegfried & Roy]  They will find the weakest point, and hemorrhage there, on the 16th, it was with our daughter.

I will confirm, with a lot of hard work on your part, it can be better, but only to a point unless they are fully aware of their BPD.  Is this improvement 'good enough' that is something you will have to come to terms with.

Take care.

SD

[Pook075]

Although I've chosen to walk away from my marriage, things have improved considerably over the past year for a few reasons:

1) I refuse to argue, but I'll always listen and show empathy. 

2)  The exception to that rule is when she tells me how I feel/felt.  For instance, she said the other day, "You always said the money I earned didn't matter, so I see no reason to contribute now."  That I will defend and explain that she doesn't get to tell me what I'm thinking or how I feel. 

That "belief" came from when she was earning $150 a week babysitting (which took about $125 a week in gas and lunches) and I was working a full time job with benefits.  Our kid would have a doctor appointment, and she'd insist that I take the day off without pay because she shouldn't have to sacrifice her job.  I'd explain that I earned $150 a day and she took home $5 a day...and we were very tight on money.  Yet that logic stuck for the rest of our marriage that I never cared about her job or her income.

Stuff like that I will defend to a point, mainly with statements like, "I never felt that way and I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.  I had to keep the power on and food on the table..."

3)  I don't bring up the past at all except for good memories.  When she brings up the past, see #1 and #2.

4)  The negative stuff she accuses me of, I find it's a lot easier to disprove that through actions than it does words.  For instance, she used to insist that I hated her parents.  I had to visit her parents house last week and we sat around talking for over an hour.  I do care about her parents and I show that...let them discredit her warped beliefs.  I don't hear that one anymore...but there's always another absolute to replace it.

The main thing to change for me over the past 15-18 months was getting to a place where we could communicate.  She still takes zero responsibility for her words/actions and I've accepted that I can't fix that.  But I can still be caring and empathetic because I do still love her as a person.  That approach seems to bewilder her at times and I secretly get great satisfaction from that.

It's great that you guys are seeing real progress and hopefully it continues.  There is certainly hope if we have enough patience.  For me, that means being great co-parents and I'm good with that.  Hopefully it means more for both of you.

[HurtAndTired]

Thanks for the replies SD and Pook.

SD I agree that it can get better to a point, but it cannot progress past that point until/unless the pwBPD realizes/acknowledges that there is a problem on their end and needs to do some work themselves. While we can limit the chaos in our homes through strong boundaries and vigilance, there is only so much we can do without a partner willing to also put in the work.

At this point in my marriage, I am in damage control mode. I have often said that it is like my house (marriage) is on fire and I have to first concentrate all of my effort into putting the fire out before I can even think about rebuilding the house. My focus, like yours, is ending all abuse. I do this at the moment mainly for my son, but am working in therapy on rebuilding enough self-esteem that I can also do it for myself. I know intellectually that I am a good person and deserve to be treated with respect, but years of constantly being told that I am worthless and internalizing those lies and distortions will take time to overcome.

Pook, I am also glad to hear that you have made progress with your ex with your patience, understanding, and empathy. As I have said before, you are really an inspiration to me and I hope to someday be able to lay aside the resentment and anger, both at her (for years of abuse) and myself (for allowing that abuse to continue), that I am only now trying to process. However, it is difficult to do as the abuse is ongoing and in my house. It has lessened quite a bit thanks to holding the line on my non-negotiable boundaries, but the threat of it popping back up has me in a state of hypervigilance 24/7 that is exhausting.

I, like you, avoid bringing up the past. Although I even try to avoid good memories because my wife is so easily triggered and even a good memory can lead her down a rabbit hole into a past grievance that she somehow connects to the good memory. It is almost like she doesn't know how to be happy and actively resists being in that state. Perhaps someday we will get to the point where we can reminisce about the good times, but right now I still feel like I am living with a grenade on a timer with a pulled pin. You know the grenade will eventually go off, but you have no idea how long the timer is, so you are constantly bracing for the explosion.

Because my wife refuses to acknowledge, at least out loud, that there is anything wrong with her, the only recourse for me at the moment is to work on myself. I am trying to practice radical acceptance, and it has been difficult, but has paid off in some unexpected ways. For example, due to accepting the fact that my wife will not even consider treatment (there's nothing wrong with her) I have had to accept the fact that I cannot have any emotional intimacy with her. Anything that I share with her while she remains untreated can, and often is, stored away to be used as a weapon against me at a later date (after being twisted out of shape.) While this has led to me mourning the loss of hope for having a "normal" marriage, it has also led me to more strongly embrace my role as a father.

I have come to realize that there are all types of love in the world. Love for your family, love for your friends, romantic love, love for God, love for yourself, and love for a child. While most of us in the West are conditioned by culture to believe that we are not complete without a romantic partner, this is simply not true. As a first-time parent (I helped raise my stepson from age 12, but it is not the same type of bond) I am constantly amazed and awed at the depth of my love for my S2. Romantic love comes and goes, but the love of a parent for a child is unconditional, absolute, and forever. I am beginning to accept that these other types of love (friends, family, God, etc.), especially that for my son, are enough. If my wife throws me some tidbits of affection here and there I will gladly accept them as icing on the cake, but no longer expect them. I am working on being happy with my reality as is rather than trying to change it.

I still hope that someday, when the abuse has stopped, we can rebuild a marriage where we have more parity with the effort we are putting into the relationship and it doesn't feel so much like it's 95/5. SD, I believe that you introduced me to the concept of trying to rebalance the amount of effort that you are putting in vs. how much your wife is as measured by time and actions. I am totally ok with having something that approaches parity. 60/40 would be nice, but at this point, 70/30 or even 80/20 would be a huge improvement. That's a conversation for another, however. Right now, I am just happy that the firehose is putting the flames out on my house, and finally have the hope that there will be something left to eventually rebuild.

HurtAndTired

[SaltyDawg]

H&T,

Thank you for responding.

Thanks for the replies SD and Pook.

SD I agree that it can get better to a point, but it cannot progress past that point until/unless the pwBPD realizes/acknowledges that there is a problem on their end and needs to do some work themselves. While we can limit the chaos in our homes through strong boundaries and vigilance, there is only so much we can do without a partner willing to also put in the work.

I agree, my sdBPDw, knows that there is a major problem, and is working on it.  My wife also knows she had a lapse, and may have actually has come very close to making a self-diagnosis, she isn't specific, but says she can recognize 6 of the symptoms, so I am changing my wife from uBPDw to sdBPDw or just BPDw since 'sd' really isn't recognized.  So, there is a silver lining to her episode on the 16th, more self-awareness.  This has renewed my hope in my relationship with my BPDw.

At this point in my marriage, I am in damage control mode. I have often said that it is like my house (marriage) is on fire and I have to first concentrate all of my effort into putting the fire out before I can even think about rebuilding the house. My focus, like yours, is ending all abuse. I do this at the moment mainly for my son, but am working in therapy on rebuilding enough self-esteem that I can also do it for myself. I know intellectually that I am a good person and deserve to be treated with respect, but years of constantly being told that I am worthless and internalizing those lies and distortions will take time to overcome.

I too am in continuous damage control mode.  It sucks, but it keeps major and irreparable damage from occuring.  Even if we move forward, the damage control team will not be dismissed, until there is at least 2 years of being symptom free i.a.w. for the older NIH standards for remission of 2 or fewer displayed symptoms for 2 or more years.

Therapy rebuilt my self-esteem, along with doing volunteer work in a related area, it validated my self-worth beyond any doubt of the projection and transference that I once received on the issue.  So, whenever my wife says anything along those lines, I just let it roll off my back knowing it is not true as professionals, peers, and others have overabundantly validated me .  I use a variation of the DBT - fact verification tool, to validate myself.  With the latest improvements in the past few days - I am hoping that I don't jinx myself by saying this, now looking at the smoldering ashes and am starting to think about rebuilding the house, and we have taken a major step in that direction yesterday and today.

I still hope that someday, when the abuse has stopped, we can rebuild a marriage where we have more parity with the effort we are putting into the relationship and it doesn't feel so much like it's 95/5. SD, I believe that you introduced me to the concept of trying to rebalance the amount of effort that you are putting in vs. how much your wife is as measured by time and actions. I am totally ok with having something that approaches parity. 60/40 would be nice, but at this point, 70/30 or even 80/20 would be a huge improvement. That's a conversation for another, however. Right now, I am just happy that the firehose is putting the flames out on my house, and finally have the hope that there will be something left to eventually rebuild.

The firehose is still needed, if you are a firefighter (I was), you still need the hoses for a 'reflash' watch, even though there was a lapse with her, I think she realizes this, and is moving forward.  Perhaps this 'lapse' is what was needed to start moving forward again, as progress had really seemed to slow or even reverse in the past two months.

I am fairly sure I mentioned the goal of 50/50 reciprocity, and I am targeting 60/40, and I willing to accept up to 67/33, but once it goes beyond that into 70/30 or even 80/20 territory, I will adjust my effort to more closely match my wife's effort.  I have personally vowed to myself, I will never go back to > 99/1, which is abusive by any metric.  It seems to be working, at least this week in spite of the major setback 11 days ago.  I am hopeful, we can move forward.

There is hope, I just need to stay the course, no matter how bad it gets, I am living testimony that it can work.  I am in uncharted territory right now, and I will continue to share with you , and others, my story of what a partial success looks like with a goal of being a full success, I am now 1-1/3 years in, even a very structured DBT regimen supposedly takes two years, and I would say I am in approximately the same amount of recovery for my wife based on what I have read and discussed with my own individual therapist.

I wish you the best of luck, and encourage you keep your foot on the pedal until a full recovery is accomplished.

Take care.

SD

[healthfreedom4s]

Thank you HurtandTired, SD and Pook for sharing your journey of recovery and rebuilding. I am in a similar situation with my wife of almost two decades. We were in divorce proceedings for almost a year. We got the case dismissed over three months ago. I am working with her using DBT skills. I will provide a detailed update later,
I agree with H&T on ‘Stop caretaking’ book. I have audiobook and I highly recommend it. It speaks to us directly.
All your posts are in-depth, reflecting the maturity you have developed and the work you have done. Thank you!

[HurtAndTired]

Thanks for the reply healthfreedom4s.

I am looking forward to hearing more about your story. I find it so very validating to hear other people have gone through and are going through what I am. It gives me hope that I can make it through this and it feels great to know that I am not alone.

HurtAndTired