Am I losing myself?

[hopeful+trying]

I've been with with gf who has BPD for almost a year and I have sacrificed so much of myself to keep her calm and make her happy. However I'm not sure if I've reached a stage where this has gone too far. For example I had a very long and important essay to write for college and she knew this. I'd left it late and only had one evening to complete it. Anyway she wanted to come round. I said that was fine but that I'd be doing the essay all evening. When she got here she was in a very bad mood and was quite hostile about a grade she was unhappy with... I spent a couple of hours talking to her and trying to calm her down, and she finally seemed a little better. I then tried to do my own essay and she had a huge issue with this. She said she needed emotional support and constant conversation and attention in order to keep her from feeling bad again. I tried my best to juggle doing my essay and giving her emotional support. But as soon as I started focusing and typing on my laptop she would throw threatening looks at me, said she was going home to make herself feel better (self-harm) and said that I wasn't able to support her emotionally at all. She knew I had to hand this essay in the next morning but she did not care. I should put her needs first, above my degree. I was very annoyed but held back my anger. I ended up having to wait until she fell asleep (at 2am) before I was able to actually do my essay. This sort of behaviour is obviously affecting my college work. But she manipulates and blackmails me to the point where I choose to put my own needs second. Is there anything I should have done differently? I tried explaining how it was hard to talk to her and complete an essay at the same time. I was patient and understanding and spoke to her for quite some time about her feelings. However as soon as I withdrew my full attention from her she was not happy at all. I didn't want her to go home and be alone because frankly I knew she would have self harmed and told me I should have been more emotionally supportive and not let her be alone. She puts me in lose lose situations. I feel like I maybe lost myself a bit in this instance. Getting a degree is very important to me and because of her behavior I was unable to complete my assignment to a good enough level. Should I be putting my own needs first? I don't know what to do when age puts me in these situations.  :'(

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Yikes. I know this is the Staying board, but this is a big deal--you completing your education. So many of us are bound to our partners financially, through children or by years of marriage. Do you really want to have this person in your future, knowing that she doesn't value your future plans?

[hopeful+trying]

Yikes. I know this is the Staying board, but this is a big deal--you completing your education. So many of us are bound to our partners financially, through children or by years of marriage. Do you really want to have this person in your future, knowing that she doesn't value your future plans?

It does feel like she doesn't value my future plans sometimes, especially that incident. Even if she claims to be suicidal and require emotional support, I don't want to be sacrificing things will affect my future. However it is a hard situation to be put in when she makes me choose between myself and her emotional needs/says she needs emotional support to 'stay alive'.

[Cat Familiar]

It does feel like she doesn't value my future plans sometimes, especially that incident. Even if she claims to be suicidal and require emotional support, I don't want to be sacrificing things will affect my future. However it is a hard situation to be put in when she makes me choose between myself and her emotional needs/says she needs emotional support to 'stay alive'.

Completely unfair position to put you in. This is a veiled suicide threat. Been there, done that with my ex-husband--his next girlfriend told me he was holding her "emotional hostage" by threatening to commit suicide. Your girlfriend needs professional help. These patterns are going to continue--do you really want to be in this relationship?

[hopeful+trying]

She does need help yeah, she has tried very hard to get help, however after months of waiting lists and assessments group therapy was the only thing offered to her. I think she should have accepted it, but she didn't want to talk in a group and has social anxiety. I want the pattern of suicide threats to stop, just having trouble setting this boundary.

[Grey Kitty]

  That's a tough situation for you.

I'd like to point out that you mention two things almost interchangeably, which are actually different:

Self harming and suicidal threats or suicidal ideation.

Both are hard to watch, but self-harming is different--the pain that comes from it (as best as I can understand it) actually brings some emotional relief. It is a coping mechanism, albeit not a particularly good one. 

Suicide threats are much more serious. If you hear that, consider looking for external, professional help. You can call 911, or take her to an emergency room. You might do better with a suicide hotline--that isn't quite as threatening.

We've got some more for you to read about this in the Lessons:

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

[vortex of confusion]

Read the information about setting boundaries. If you know that she is going to come over and distract you from your school work, then do not invite her to come over. If she tries to play games with you, set a boundary and tell her that you can talk to her AFTER you are done with your assignment.

As far as her making remarks about going home to make herself feel better: Did she come right out and say that she was going to hurt herself or try to commit suicide or was it more of a passive aggressive remark meant to gain sympathy and attention? If it was an actual suicide threat, take that seriously. If it was a passive aggressive remark to get your attention, ignore it. My husband makes those remarks all the time. There are times when there are things that can be validated such as him wanting attention or being upset. Sometimes, I can't find anything at all to validate because the remarks are so far out there and don't make a lot of sense.

Hopefully, some more of the long timers have some more helpful input. I know that I run into some of the same stuff with my husband. I have a job that allows me to work from home and set my own schedule. I find myself getting so behind on work because he can't stay off his computer and be present for the kids or he will interrupt me.

[waverider]

She is using the threat of self harm to control you. You should not allow this.

You cannot control her self harming, you have to let go of this.

Your degree is important it needs to be a boundary, if that means ushering her out and whatever happens then happens so be it. That is what boundaries are about. They are about maintaining your healthy environment, not hers.

You can make an arrangement to discuss this at some other time. Once you demonstrate willingness to drop everything to soothe her, she will take this as a precedent, and trying to regain that right will be extremely difficult.

I know what it is like to have to deal with slashed wrists and overdosing etc. It is not pretty, but it is not your fault, you cannot control it.

[Cat Familiar]

She is using the threat of self harm to control you. You should not allow this.

You cannot control her self harming, you have to let go of this.

Once you demonstrate willingness to drop everything to soothe her, she will take this as a precedent, and trying to regain that right will be extremely difficult.

I know what it is like to have to deal with slashed wrists and overdosing etc. It is not pretty, but it is not your fault, you cannot control it.

My exh learned this well. Suicide threats made me snap to attention.