Repeated unfaithfulness

[frizz]

My dBDFgf has created yet another dating website profile. If it were the first, I could chalk it up to an honest lapse in judgement, but it's not. If she didn't have a history of sending nudes to her exes, I might buy that she's just looking for friends. But she likes to do that as well.

I'm at a loss. Every time, she justifies it. Every time, there's a counterattack - this time, I'm addicted to pornography. It's like talking to a brick wall. No, a razor wire fence. I am so frustrated, and my feelings are hurt, and she's got me thinking I'm in the wrong again. How do I cope with this particular behavior?

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[Rapt Reader]

That's really hurtful, frizz, and suspecting our partner of infidelity is one of the hardest things to handle... .Yuck

Is your Girlfriend in some sort of Therapy? You say she has been diagnosed; does she know that she has a problem, and does she want help for it? How long have you 2 been together? Do you live together? Have any children? Are you in Therapy yourself?

Something that helped me deal with my own Husband's infidelity almost 30 years ago (we have now been married for 40 years, and things have been really good for a long time) was reading the book "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I do highly recommend it to anyone tangled up in a relationship that keeps him/her in knots most of the time... .

Have you checked out the links to the right-hand side of this page? The Feature Articles linked to under the photos at the top of the threads on this Board? The Lessons to the right of this page are also very helpful in giving insights into a relationship like yours (and mine) that is with someone with BPD or BPD traits. I've found that getting all of the information under my belt helps me to detach from my Husband's feelings and behaviors when they overwhelm him and cause us stress, and using the communication skills taught (Validation, S.E.T., etc.) can really help with calming things down and turning them around in a more positive direction.

I'm thinking that stepping back from all of this confusion, stress and pain, right now, and helping yourself to understand better what is going on in your Girlfriend's mind and life, can help you get centered. You can't change her or what she feels and does, but you can change yourself and how you understand and deal with her. And when you do that, she will most likely change the way she responds to you, and things can get better... .I think that reading all you can on this site, and even getting that book I mentioned above, can help you cope and gain the insights you need to figure this whole thing out, frizz 

[MissyM]

Frizz, I am married to a BPD sex addict. Hugs, I am truly sorry you are suffering through this.  It is becoming more and more common that sex addicts are diagnosed with a personality disorder, as they seem to go together.  It is heart breaking to have a partner that cheats on you in this compulsive way.  Are you doing anything to get support for yourself?  I highly recommend COSA or S-Anon meetings and therapy with someone trained to help partners of sex addicts (even if yours is on the low end of the sex addiction test).  Without specialized help, I would never have been able to figure out how to navigate the waking nightmare of this issue.

[Cat Familiar]

I am so frustrated, and my feelings are hurt, and she's got me thinking I'm in the wrong again. How do I cope with this particular behavior?

MyBPDxh was also a sex addict and was very skillful in justifying his behavior by making it my fault--that I wasn't loving enough, not sexual enough, not something enough. It was a roller coaster of a marriage and it took me a long time to get out. Every time things were easy between us and I had hope that we could have a good healthy relationship, he'd do something to undermine it.

[maxsterling]

I'm so sorry to hear you are dealing with this - infidelity is not easy to deal with.  First, I would make strong efforts to take care of you.  Avoid blaming yourself for her actions and embrace that you feel hurt, and feel hurt for a good reason.  I think too many of us go into some kind of denial mode where we don't allow ourselves to hurt and turn it back on ourselves as if we think we aren't supposed to or allowed to have such strong feelings. 

I also think it is time to examine where your boundary is on this issue.  Could you forgive or trust her if she stopped?  What would that take?  Would you take her at her word, or would you need to see her get some kind of therapy for her problem?  It sounds like she is not even acknowledging her issues at all - and that has to be rough on you 

I know that for myself, any kind of infidelity would mean I could not continue forward in my r/s.  I just don't think I could ever properly heal from it while still in the r/s.  But each person is different, as there are many people here who have moved past infidelity and repaired their relationship.  I don't think that process was easy for any of them.

[vortex of confusion]

I'm at a loss. Every time, she justifies it. Every time, there's a counterattack - this time, I'm addicted to pornography. It's like talking to a brick wall. No, a razor wire fence. I am so frustrated, and my feelings are hurt, and she's got me thinking I'm in the wrong again. How do I cope with this particular behavior?

Like MissyM and CatFamiliar, I am married to a sex addict. For years, it was turned around so that I felt guilty. If I woke up to him looking at porn, it was because I was still asleep. So, I would try to wake up when he did but that didn't work either. I tied myself up in knots trying to get his attention. I went to extreme lengths trying to be a good wife.

The only thing you might want to ask yourself is whether or not there is any validity to her claim that you are addicted to pornography. My husband used to justify looking at pornography by saying that he wasn't doing anything with anybody else. It wasn't considered cheating or infidelity by him but it can have devastating results if pornography and self pleasure are being used instead of connecting with your spouse. I am not saying that your wife's claim has any validity but it might be worth thinking about so that YOU have peace of mind. At one point he accused me of being a sex addict because I have a pretty high libido. The contradictions are sometimes unbelievable. The only person I ever wanted was him.

[Grey Kitty]

I've been through quite a wringer with my wife cheating on me too. Right now she's stopped, cut contact with the guy, and we're working things out. Perhaps I'm forgiving her too readily; I'm sure some people would say that I am.

A week ago I was ready to end our marriage over her cheating. I'd spent enough time with my own feelings about it to know that I couldn't put up with it. That it would tear me up inside, and the only way I could cope would be to check out from my feelings. And that I didn't want to live that way.

Only you can say what your limits are--what you can take, what you can't take.

It was tough. Really tough. In finding my limits I went well into the process of grieving the end of 20+ years of marriage.



One more thing: If she makes her cheating about you, don't buy it. Simply refuse to discuss it that way.

If she cheats, it is because she chose to cheat. She is making the choice to violate your trust. It doesn't matter what she uses to "justify" it.

You may have a problem with pornography. Or maybe you don't. I'm all for examining that, but that doesn't mean letting it distract from the issue of cheating, which is bigger and worse than the issue of watching pornography.

[frizz]

The only thing you might want to ask yourself is whether or not there is any validity to her claim that you are addicted to pornography. My husband used to justify looking at pornography by saying that he wasn't doing anything with anybody else.

There's always something to learn from these episodes, even if they're pretty painful overall. My... .erm... ."private time" isn't out of the ordinary, but it's definitely causing problems in the context of this relationship. I'll be bringing this up with my T to see if I can get some more perspective. This is a relatively common relationship kerfuffle, BPD or not. I'm open to reasonable dialog.

Most importantly, boundaries up. She knows what is and isn't appropriate, and even if she pays dumb, it's my values, and I've made myself as clear as possible (again). I'm not dealing with this even one more time. I'm worth more than that.