Ex started dating a week later, discovered I have been on a dating site today.

[Freeatlast_1]

So our major split happened when my ex went to Spain on a trip because of all the fights we have been having. On her Spain trip she freaked out without me and came back begging and pleading to come back to me. I didn't give her an answer but opened my doors again since I missed her, but didn't take her back officially. Since I took her "back" I neglected her and ignored her majorly, I didnt want her around and she pushed herself on me. Then she created a fight of course and broke up over text. I got on a dating site right away, didn't on a date... .just got on to see what I will find. A week later I see her in the street on a date. Then she texts me a day later saying it's her first date... .bla bla bla... .she's trying to survive and all the BS. Then her friend calls her telling her they found ME on a dating site. She Starts texting me yelling cursing calling me a liar etc. Then blocked me. She blocks and unblocks at her leisure. I can't get myself to block her and I am indifferent if she blocks me especially now that she is with someone else. The coping mechanism is the same for me. She blocks and unblocked a few times a day to curse me out and then block again . She's going nuts here its so funny. Now that she realized I am on the market and that she's not dating while I'm sobbing, she's PISSED. I had cropped a photo of us together and put it as one of my photos on the dating site; I told her I did that too. That way she can feel the pain of what it feels like to let go of someone you truly love and can't be without since that's what she always said to me. I kept telling her her disorder got the best of her, she is a therapist and has so much access and resources to tackle this with me if she was open... .but she puts the blame on me and that I have to go to therapy. The issue is hers. She was saying in text in the midst of her cursing that "I knew something was up and that's why I didn't feel guilty about last night" ie the night I caught her walking with her new date. So the chick didn't feel remorse or guilt when I saw her hand in hand with the new date. I am shocked. I thought she would feel horrible that I saw her. I bet she is going to call her date tonight and have sex just to release her anxiety off of all of this. I told her that she can do whatever she wants with him but the minute she will be alone, she will think of me because I was the one to love her deeply and show her how she can love one day... .I directed her to therapy... .I shifted her life... .of course she claims I abused her too which I didn't... .I wasn't a master validator I cant admit to that... .but I don't want to be, she needs to grow up and validate herself.

[Skip]

I got on a dating site right away, didn't on a date... .just got on to see what I will find.

You might want to put the breaks on this, and get clear of your current relationship and breakup before you rebound into another relationship. A lot of the relationships that brought members here were rebounds.

If you're done, why not just lay low for a few weeks, and get emotionally past his relationship.

. She's going nuts here its so funny. Now that she realized I am on the market and that she's not dating while I'm sobbing, she's PISSED. I had cropped a photo of us together and put it as one of my photos on the dating site

Cropping that photo is not very nice. If you rev' this thing up to high conflict you might get more than you bargained for.

So the chick didn't feel remorse or guilt when I saw her hand in hand with the new date. I am shocked. I thought she would feel horrible that I saw her. I bet she is going to call her date tonight and have sex just to release her anxiety off of all of this. I told her that she can do whatever she wants with him but the minute she will be alone, she will think of me... // ... she needs to grow up and validate herself.

This is messy.   

[Mutt]

Hi Freeatlast_1,

he's going nuts here its so funny. Now that she realized I am on the market and that she's not dating while I'm sobbing, she's PISSED.

Skip gave you some really good advice so I don't have much advice to give to you but just to tell that a pwBPD grieve differently than you or I, grieving comes out as anger and acting out. That's why she's pissed, BPD is an attachment disorder and a pwBPD don't completely detached. My ex is still attached to me but it's irrelevant because I'm detached and don't reciprocate, you're no there yet, be where you are, Skip gave you good advice for moving forward.

[SuperJew82]

Oh jeez. This sounds so familiar is gives me tingles up my spine.

I was in this same mess. Mine would find me on dating sites and put cryptic slander on her profile and then visit my profile or leave a like so that I could read her commentary.

Thankfully the company removed her profile from the site after I provided them with harassment evidence.

The ironic part about all of this is that I wasn't ready to date. I wasn't and probably am still not ready to date. I too wanted to know that there were normal girls out there.

You are being dragged through madness, my friend. You aren't careful you will start sounding just as confusing as she does.

I would advise standing back a little bit and letting the fog clear so you can see the big picture.

This story could be exactly my own. I'm the one who got her to go to therapy and get diagnosed and talked with her sister so that her family could do an intervention and setup with a DBT therapist. This wasn't my responsibility, but I feel good about walking away knowing at least she knows where the road is to a healthier self. The problem is - I did the easy part. It's so easy to label someone and say " well here is a book and a therapist ". She has the hard part, this much is for certain and my heart goes out to her - but I'm not strong enough to be her caregiver.

It would break me, as much as I love her. We can't fix people. Wish I could, but I cannot. I can only save myself.

[Freeatlast_1]

Oh jeez. This sounds so familiar is gives me tingles up my spine.

I was in this same mess. Mine would find me on dating sites and put cryptic slander on her profile and then visit my profile or leave a like so that I could read her commentary.

Thankfully the company removed her profile from the site after I provided them with harassment evidence.

The ironic part about all of this is that I wasn't ready to date. I wasn't and probably am still not ready to date. I too wanted to know that there were normal girls out there.

You are being dragged through madness, my friend. You aren't careful you will start sounding just as confusing as she does.

I would advise standing back a little bit and letting the fog clear so you can see the big picture.

This story could be exactly my own. I'm the one who got her to go to therapy and get diagnosed and talked with her sister so that her family could do an intervention and setup with a DBT therapist. This wasn't my responsibility, but I feel good about walking away knowing at least she knows where the road is to a healthier self. The problem is - I did the easy part. It's so easy to label someone and say " well here is a book and a therapist ". She has the hard part, this much is for certain and my heart goes out to her - but I'm not strong enough to be her caregiver.

It would break me, as much as I love her. We can't fix people. Wish I could, but I cannot. I can only save myself.

Identical to my story. I diagnosed her, sent her to a therapist for confirmation, went through the DSM 4 and 5 to confirm together (I am a doctor)... .and I was right about it. Sent her into DBT and Neurofeedback for PTSD... .and Mindfullness... .trying to fix her. Still I could not fix her. She still blames me for being inconsiderate and dismissive and non-validating etc basically she wants me to treat her like an infant when she cries out and I don't want 3-year old kid in an adults body. I am SOO attracted to her though, I fantasize about her a lot it sucks. She is seeing someone else now that I ran into them holding hands last sat. It was a shock. I confronted her the next day and she said if she had seen me she'd be destroyed. She blamed me that I moved on fast by being on a dating site, and she is right, I am trying my best to get my mind off of this. Any way possible from exercise to friends to family to casual sex to journaling to coming on here... .reading a book on addiction, you name it, and I still get anxiety. It's so hard. I miss her like crazy but meeting other girls have made it so much more tolerable. I know they say I must heal first but I am healing through the combo of all of the above. I need touch and attention though... .and my ego was bruised when she left... .especially after she love bombed me when I dumped her 2 weeks prior . It's like a game with us, I dump her, she love bombs me and captures me again then she dumps me, then I chase (not anymore for the past 5 months... .that changed). Now the pattern is breakup --> she takes time off, misses me, calls me crying --> I take her back half ass with my foot out the door --> she doesn't get the attention she needs and she leaves and I don't chase but I go nuts within. That's been the recent pattern.

[SuperJew82]

My kindle might be physically heavier with all the BPD/PD books on them. After I noticed the pattern of self-sabotaging behaviour I clearly saw a disordered mind and started researching different clusters and trying to line up which one fit her best. Even went down the subtypes. She basically went to the appoint due to the ultimatum I had made ( which is not the way to help people ) and I'll never forget the session that was slated for 45 mins, taking over 2.5 hours to complete. She was frazzled at the end.

She would lie about going to therapy and also quote her therapist as saying things no therapist would ever, ever, ever say.

I guess the moral of the story is that you can lead a horse to water... .Just because you are resourceful, smart, and optimistic doesn't mean much at all. They have to make that choice themselves.

We are not in good positions to be caregivers for these people, in fact, we make things worse by trying in so many cases. If they decide they want their life to suck less - they will take their own initiative and get help.

I totally understand the need for that human touch. Bruce Springsteen put it best in that regards.

Did going out and meeting new people and getting laid end up helping me?... .not in the end but it was a distraction to stop the asinine cycle of abuse. In my opinion, ANY idea that put yourself out of the trenches of that was a positive thing. I think there could be better ways to do this - but that's just my opinion.

So yea, I have done the same thing. I'm not a bit more balanced now that I have a couple of things figured out ( and have benefited from the collective wisdom from the guys like Skip who now have successful loving and healthy families after their overcoming a BPD relationship.)

I think we go through stages of feelings when something like that happens. When I first got on this site, I was just angry. Mad. Pissed. I thought these people were evil. They were the source of all my happiness and my heartache. These people want the same things we do, but they just had bad programming that can be adjusted if they choose.

After some time, you realize this: You are the source of happiness. You are only in control of yourself. You are in this position because you have things that might need some light shed on them.

I don't know what to tell you about the pain. It's always going to be with you I think. It is with me. It get's better as time goes on, but they leave you a changed person. I think everyone here would agree with that.

It's up to you what you do with that change. Hopefully, we can learn from this and learn to have healthy rewarding relationships.

-sj