uBPDw has me fearful and concealing info

[Dobzhansky]

Short history:  uBPDw and I have three girls all late teens early 20s.  uBPDw announced she was leaving 18 mos ago after communication lines went down and marriage/inter-family relationships collapsed over previous few years.  Has moved 1500 miles away to another state.  Dad (me) living w 2 youngest in house owned w uBPDw and enjoying the best relationship w daughters I have ever had.  Ever.  All 4 of us in every-other-week T and improving.  uBPDw and I exchange warm fuzzy texts daily wishing good days and sweet dreams.  Weekly phone calls are superficial, discussing nuts-and-bolts of family but never anything deeper or long term.

Eldest living in adjoining town has dated past 2 yrs the same guy and they have chosen marriage.  Eldest going to Mexico resort w friends and fiance' for Christmas and has decided to marry in Mex. over holiday. 

Daughters' relationship w uBPDw is strained (to say the least) and little or no communication flows between uBPDw and daughters.  Eldest assures me she has invited uBPDw to attend wedding numerous times (w stipulations).  Each time uBPDw has declined.  When I have asked her if she is going uBPDw states to me she feels as though she is not allowed.

Kicker:  I have decided to go.  I have plane tix and will be gone from home 4 days.  Budget prevents 2 youngest from going.  I have not told uBPDw based on fear of predicted reaction and concern over possible subsequent divorce action when it is revealed I am going to wedding.  uBPDw feels very strongly on this (I'm sure).  When fiance came to town where I am to ask permission to ask my daughters' hand, I called uBPDw that evening to share news.  First reaction from uBPDw was bursting in to loud tears and yelling:  "He never asked MY permission!" 

I am still getting head wrapped around sheer, naked hatred from uBPDw and the speed w which she is able to bring it to bear.  Am I foolish?

Also, parents-in-law possess a large war chest of cash and family have wherewithal to hire lawyers.  Am I right to worry?

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[maxsterling]

My feeling is to be open and honest with W that you are going to the wedding.  Do you think she already assumes you will go, or assumes you will not go?

Your daughters are adults, they can choose their own relationship with their mother.  That is not your business.  But I would not intentionally try and hide anything from W.  Maybe not make a point of telling W everything, but if she asks, hiding information is very bad.

I understand your concern - it's quite valid to want to conceal things to protect yourself.  But I think this one could come back to bite you.  Your W will find out.  If she decides to file for divorce, there is nothing you can do.  That's her decision.  You just have to deal with it the best way you can.

[KateCat]

parents-in-law possess a large war chest of cash and family have wherewithal to hire lawyers.  Am I right to worry?

Is there a particular type of legal action you fear? Maybe kicking around this idea here on the forum would help set your mind at ease on that score.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Dobzhansky,

I'm sorry that fear about your wife's reaction to this news is causing you so much angst. Your eldest daughter has clearly done everything she could reasonably be expected to do to extend the invitation to her mother. The ball is now in your wife's court and you have every reason to be present regardless of your wife's issues with her daughter.

I was wondering if you could clarify how you would like to see your relationship with you uBPDw develop over time?

I am wondering whether you have had chance to read any of the lessons on this site that focus upon detachment. I found them useful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56295.0;prev_next=next

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135116.0

Lifewriter x

[formflier]

  Max, Can you expand on your thinking/reason about telling the wife.  Here is my take.  :)obzhansky is not responsible for his wife's r/s with his daughters.  It is one thing to persecute here and "toss it in her face".  I'm not seeing any of that here.  It's another thing to keep family matters private.  He has shared the news.  The ball is in the wife's court.  My take.  Go to the wedding and have a great time.  If the wife shows up.  Great!  Be polite and focus on the wedding.  If she doesn't, focus on the wedding.  Is there any chance of finding a way to get tickets for the two daughters?  It's not the same as a Dad being there, but still, would be nice to try and figure out a way.  I've got 4 daughters.  I think a lot about walking them down the aisle.    Next:  Wife knows where the family home is.  She chose to go somewhere else.  If I left the family home, I wouldn't expect a suitor to track me down.  It would be nice, but not expected.  Plus, tradition is that the Dad is asked, or the parents together.  OK, granted, I guess the question could be asked "which tradition".    All of my girls know that I get asked if someone can date them.  My girls are precious and any guy that wants to chase after them needs to want it bad.  My girls deserve that.  And yes, it is interesting to have a guy come to me and ask permission.   back to original topic  Privacy and secrecy are very different.    Your relationship with your girls is your business.  Even more so, since your wife has chosen to go somewhere else.          

FF

[KateCat]

And yes, it is interesting to have a guy come to me and ask permission.

Dobzhansky, this sounds like your time to shine and to enjoy being the great dad you have been to your daughters. I hope you have a memorable time at the wedding.

[Dobzhansky]

Wow!  Lots of good questions.  W and I have been rogether 24 yrs and during all that time I (and daughters) have thought that W has been right in acting BPD all that time.  We just didn't know any better. 

It wasnt until she left in a whoosh and the girls and I entered therapy that it was made clear something was wrong.  There was an illness at play here and we couldn't do anything about it.

W has shown ability to erupt in to enormous anger w/o warning and to bring to bear any and all means she has to inflict suffering.  Parents have deep pockets and experience with the courts.  I am fearful of divorce (against my faith) and/or legal actions to follow.  Borrowing trouble I am sure, but there is the stereotype of the wife who dragged divorce through courts and left husband penniless.  Some reading on BPD has related stories of BPD spouses that have left families destitute for the sake of what the BPD family memebr thought was just.

W has shown tendency to favor such things. 

I would like to see the relationship w uBPDw find a way to heal.  We are both religious (though I think she has stopped practicing) and I have always tried to share w her how importantly I view relationship.  If we can together come to an understanding that much work is needed, and we can put the past behind us, then everything might work out.  If I'm honest, however, I think it has a "snowball's chance".

[formflier]

  Have you sat down with a lawyer to discuss your options and what would happen if your wife files?

[Dobzhansky]

Have you sat down with a lawyer to discuss your options and what would happen if your wife files?



I admit I have my head in the sand regarding this.  The dissolution paperwork for my state has a spot where it asks if I have consulted a lawyer - unsure if it is to my disadvantage in negotiations (probably not).  

Also feel really weird as I sometimes catch myself thinking "It will be ok someday if I just _____" BUT the other side of it is I feel SO weird about being worried/afraid if she were going to come back to the house - what would I do?  I haven't seen her in a year.  If I picked her up at airport would I shake hands or kiss and hug?

We are not estranged as such.  She is amicable when we talk by phone (weekly) or by text (daily) but nothing ever gets heavy and nothing about the future ever comes up.

With lawyers and filing - there are also interstate issues for me if she chooses to file.  I would have to spend limited cash to fly to where she is to attend any hearings that might result.  

If I am a "Stayer", does my consulting a lawyer fly in the face of my staying?

[formflier]

  OK.  I rarely get this directive on the board.  You don't post all that often on the board, so I don't know how long this will take to get to you.  When you read this, google for a divorce lawyer in your town, call and set up an appointment.  If they put you off and say they can get you in after a couple weeks, call someone else.  You need to be in a lawyers office within a week.  Yes, you may have to pay them a consultation fee.  It is worth every penny.  I'm not saying you have to hire the first one you interview, post here about how it went, or post over on legal.  You don't know what you don't know  I am involved in a legal dispute in another state.  I am not familiar with laws over there, but "I know how things work".  If they had settled with me based on my proposal, before I hired a lawyer, I would have lost a lot of money.  Potentially in the $20k range (no settlement yet).  Because the laws have nuances in every state that sometimes matter, and sometimes don't.  Go see a divorce lawyer ASAP    During the meeting, lay it all out.  We can help you have a list of written questions ready.  I think your fears about her ability to "hurt you, are overblown  Yes she can do damage, but not to the extent I see you worrying about.          

FF

[Notwendy]

I will give you some input from the point of view of a daughter of a mother with BPD. I dearly wished for a relationship with my father, but his relationship with me was under my mother's control. The fear of mother getting upset, angry or whatever ruled everything that we did. If I asked my father for anything- clothing, a new record, and even college tuition, he would only do it with mother's permission. In college, I often wondered if I would have tuition money for the next semester, depending on BPD mother's feelings about it.

Like you, my father would have been concerned about attending my wedding, but in my case, they were still married and mother made the wedding about her. It was mostly her friends, her side of the family. Although Dad couldn't give me a dime for college without asking my mother, he spent lavishly on this event because she was in charge of it. Many of the guests were people I didn't even know.

Given the option, I would have hopped on a plane to some resort to get married but I wouldn't have dared break the family rule of not upsetting my mother and if I had, my father would not have attended because of that. I was completely enmeshed in the family. When I decided I had enough of going along with this, it caused a rift in the family. Dad was angry at me for that, and that is when mother pulled the power strings and pretty much controlled my father's relationship with me- he couldn't even speak on the phone with me without her listening in and this continued to the day he died.

The point I am trying to make is that not doing something you wish to do- FOR YOUR DAUGHTER- out of fear of your wife's behavior will not end until you end it and your daughter is watching all of this. I loved my father with all my heart, but I could not have a relationship with him that was between us. Despite the fact that I loved my father as much as any daughter possibly could, his love for me was not as great as his fear of upsetting my mother.

It is because when my father left this world, I was completely despondent and heartbroken, because until that day, I had hope that my  would have said to me " you are worth standing up for" that I am posting here to tell you to let your daughters know they are worth standing up for.

That won't happen for me. But it can happen for your daughters. Be the dad they need you to be. Show them your love for them is greater than your fear of their mother. The love they have for you is greater than anything she could take away from you.

[formflier]

  I second this.  Twice I have physically stood between my wife and a daughter of mine.    There was no doubt that I picked the side of my daughter.  And yes, I "paid a price" in the r/s with my wife.  I would do it again in a heartbeat and I think that me "taking a stand" improved things.          

FF

[KateCat]

Will you be my dad, Dobzhansky?  (Just kidding: I could probably be your mom.) Your daughters got lucky with having such a great father.

Thanks for laying out some of your divorce fears above. I'm thinking I now see a fear you have might be that your wife has lived in the other state long enough to establish residency, so if she decided to punish you in some way--with the help of her parents' money--she could file in the other state, which is now her home state, and she would have utter home-court advantage.

On reading some of your posts in the past, I was thinking that you would have nothing to fear from divorce, as you could file in your home state any time you wished and you could allege what I think they call "constructive abandonment," or even flat out abandonment of the marriage, the home, the family.

I still suspect you have the very very strong hand and if your wife's parents are legally savvy they will realize they have a big problem if they try to harm you in some way legally.

BUT . . . see a lawyer! Exactly for the reasons formflier has stated.

One of this forum's moderators gives a good explanation of this fact-finding legal mission. She says to book consultations with several attorneys if need be--maybe only 1/2 hour of each one's time. Ask different questions. You don't have to engage any of them to represent you. As you go along, you are learning about your case, quickly. And you are also finding a legal professional that you feel comfortable and confident with. One that can be ready to go in representing you if you ever need to act quickly to protect yourself. It's all confidential, and in my metro area you might be looking at $150 or so for each meeting with a family law attorney.

You may only need one-stop shopping. Because you may find that you have nothing to worry about. But only a lawyer in your jurisdiction can say for sure.

One thing you can see on this forum is that spouses with personality disorders are often convinced they have the upper hand. A bread-winner husband may tell his homemaker wife that he can take off any time he likes, taking his pension with him and leaving her flat broke. A stay-at-home mom may tell her husband that she can kick him out of the home any time she likes, keeping full custody of the kids and making him hand over his paycheck to her every month for the rest of his work life.

Go see that lawyer! And then go to your daughter's wedding and have a great, relaxed time. As a great dad should.

[KateCat]

Just thinking that even though you don't want a divorce, one good thing to ask an attorney is what would be the odds your wife would be successful moving divorce court to her new state if you followed any filing by her immediately with your own court action in your state.

As in: why would your state "give up" jurisdiction to this other state? If the children have never resided there; the husband has never resided there; the marital property is not located in the wife's new state. That kind of thing. (Especially if the marriage itself took place in the state you currently reside in.)

Do you think your wife is just trying to rattle you in general because she feels shame right now, especially over the wedding circumstances? I'm betting you can feel some compassion for her position here. It sounds pretty uncomfortable.

[KateCat]

The dissolution paperwork for my state has a spot where it asks if I have consulted a lawyer - unsure if it is to my disadvantage in negotiations (probably not).

I wonder if this could be placed on forms for administrative purposes only. For instance, in the major courthouses in my county you can find a very busy office called "Family Law Facilitator," usually right next to the building entrance. Staff are there to help people without attorneys make their way through the process of divorce and other family law matters. Maybe if staff see you checked the box indicating you have no attorney, then they know to refer you first to the family law facilitator, where you can buy packets of forms and ask general questions.

[formflier]

  exactly what I was thinking.  I can't imagine that a state form is going to make you disclose that you have consulted an attorney.  That is not their business.          

FF

[unicorn2014]

I will give you some input from the point of view of a daughter of a mother with BPD. I dearly wished for a relationship with my father, but his relationship with me was under my mother's control. The fear of mother getting upset, angry or whatever ruled everything that we did. If I asked my father for anything- clothing, a new record, and even college tuition, he would only do it with mother's permission. In college, I often wondered if I would have tuition money for the next semester, depending on BPD mother's feelings about it.

Like you, my father would have been concerned about attending my wedding, but in my case, they were still married and mother made the wedding about her. It was mostly her friends, her side of the family. Although Dad couldn't give me a dime for college without asking my mother, he spent lavishly on this event because she was in charge of it. Many of the guests were people I didn't even know.

Given the option, I would have hopped on a plane to some resort to get married but I wouldn't have dared break the family rule of not upsetting my mother and if I had, my father would not have attended because of that. I was completely enmeshed in the family. When I decided I had enough of going along with this, it caused a rift in the family. Dad was angry at me for that, and that is when mother pulled the power strings and pretty much controlled my father's relationship with me- he couldn't even speak on the phone with me without her listening in and this continued to the day he died.

The point I am trying to make is that not doing something you wish to do- FOR YOUR DAUGHTER- out of fear of your wife's behavior will not end until you end it and your daughter is watching all of this. I loved my father with all my heart, but I could not have a relationship with him that was between us. Despite the fact that I loved my father as much as any daughter possibly could, his love for me was not as great as his fear of upsetting my mother.

It is because when my father left this world, I was completely despondent and heartbroken, because until that day, I had hope that my  would have said to me " you are worth standing up for" that I am posting here to tell you to let your daughters know they are worth standing up for.

That won't happen for me. But it can happen for your daughters. Be the dad they need you to be. Show them your love for them is greater than your fear of their mother. The love they have for you is greater than anything she could take away from you.

Thank you for this notwendy, it was very moving. I can relate to your experiences.

[Notwendy]

I think how a father relates to his daughter has an impact on how she sees her self worth later on. My value in my FOO was contingent on making my mother happy. This is a recipe for co-dependency.

However, gaining my sense of self worth as an adult is up to me. I realized that my self worth was not dependent on someone else.

I also have a choice of how to relate to my mother. The dynamics between me and my mother changed because dad had been a bridge between us. My mother had a choice as well. I think initially she disowned me in a rage, but then reconsidered- not something unusual for the push/pull white/black pattern of a relationship with someone with BPD. I had to consider the circumstances now, not through childhood feelings. She is an elderly widow. I am not a child, but a grown woman, with choices. I choose to be in a relationship with her.

Thanks to gaining a  better understanding of BPD, I realize that my dad was no less than heroic in his ability to parent and maintain stability for me.  My father did the best he could with the situation he was in. He loved her. He also loved me. It was her illness, the lack of understanding of BPD and lack of treatment in their era that made it into the situation it was.

My wedding pictures are wonderful memories and they also tell a story. Before the wedding, most brides have the people who are closest to her help her get ready. Among them are my father. My mother was off getting herself dressed and ready, but everyone else was with me. It was my dad who helped get my headpiece on, helped the guys fix their ties, and stayed with me until he walked me down the aisle. While I mention my wish for him to have stood up for me more, I also acknowledge that he was there for me as much as he could have been in his circumstances, and that made all the difference.

In a similar dilemma to the OP, we chose to not include mom in a family event. We were also concerned about telling her- knowing she would have a fit. Although she didn't have the power to sue me for anything, what I did fear was that she has many of my father's possessions and has the ability to take away something material that I valued. Even though that would feel hurtful to me, they meant little in comparison to how I felt about dad. I had to let go of my attachment to them, or I would have been subjected to letting fear control me. We told her, and as expected, she pitched a fit and disowned us again. However, later she came around as if nothing had happened.

I realize that a divorce lawsuit is frightening, but being controlled by the fear of a lawsuit does not stop until you stop it. Your wife will not stop it as long as it works for her. She also can not stop it because, it is your fear, and your emotion, just like her emotions and actions are hers to act on.

Can you stay married and also consult a lawyer? I believe so. I have one friend who was deep into a divorce with lawyers and yet they reconciled. The reason for the lawyer is to protect yourself financially and also from your your fear of being sued by your wife's family, for only when you let go of this fear can you act from the heart, not your fear. Learn your rights and how best to protect yourself financially whether the two of you stay together or not.

At some point, you will have to decide how or when to tell your wife you are going to the wedding. Her reaction is out of your control. You are also the only parent who will be present and it is an opportunity to be that parent. It is a moment in time that will last forever for your daughter. What on earth can your wife take away that will measure up to this?

[KateCat]

I realize that a divorce lawsuit is frightening, but being controlled by the fear of a lawsuit does not stop until you stop it. Your wife will not stop it as long as it works for her. She also can not stop it because, it is your fear, and your emotion, just like her emotions and actions are hers to act on.

Can you stay married and also consult a lawyer? I believe so. I have one friend who was deep into a divorce with lawyers and yet they reconciled. The reason for the lawyer is to protect yourself financially and also from your your fear of being sued by your wife's family, for only when you let go of this fear can you act from the heart, not your fear. Learn your rights and how best to protect yourself financially whether the two of you stay together or not.

At some point, you will have to decide how or when to tell your wife you are going to the wedding. Her reaction is out of your control. You are also the only parent who will be present and it is an opportunity to be that parent. It is a moment in time that will last forever for your daughter. What on earth can your wife take away that will measure up to this?

Thank you, Notwendy, for this beautiful and wise post.

[Icthelight]

The point I am trying to make is that not doing something you wish to do- FOR YOUR DAUGHTER- out of fear of your wife's behavior will not end until you end it and your daughter is watching all of this. I loved my father with all my heart, but I could not have a relationship with him that was between us. Despite the fact that I loved my father as much as any daughter possibly could, his love for me was not as great as his fear of upsetting my mother.

It is because when my father left this world, I was completely despondent and heartbroken, because until that day, I had hope that my  would have said to me " you are worth standing up for" that I am posting here to tell you to let your daughters know they are worth standing up for.

That won't happen for me. But it can happen for your daughters. Be the dad they need you to be. Show them your love for them is greater than your fear of their mother. The love they have for you is greater than anything she could take away from you.

This hit home for me. Thank you for sharing Notwendy.

I have two beautiful teenage daughters that I love with all of my heart. The way you describe your relationship with your father and his fear of your mother, and you're describing my world. I many times hold back giving them things that I feel I should give them because my wife doesn't feel that they've "earned it" or they didn't meet the numerous conditions my wife has implemented.

My oldest daughter is on a semester to semester tuition plan because my wife has laid out a list of prerequisites she needs to meet in order to receive the next semester's tuition. I have some input and the plan has been slightly modified, but it is still over the top. I go along with it to not upset my wife. I can go on and on of when I've not stepped up as a father for fear of the repercussions from my wife. Even though I've usually taken my wife's side over our 23 year marriage, my wife tells me constantly that I don't have her back and that our girls do what they want and don't respect "her" because I haven't supported her in enforcing rules. She says that I take their side all of the time. My daughters have told me that they feel I take my wife's side most of the time. I have to say that my daughters are correct.

I am now working on changing the dynamics of my marriage and my relationship with my daughters. In all of this, I can still say that I have a close, loving relationship with them. However, I need to step up as a husband and father and act based on what I believe is right and just and not based on my fears.

Dobz, attend the wedding. Also, as Forms asked, what are the chances you can take your two other daughters with you? Enjoy the moment and make your daughters feel your love and let them feel how special they are to you. Your wife will be pissed, absolutely. However, she's already pissed about one thousand other things. This is not something you allow her to manipulate you into giving up. And get informed on all of the thoughts and fears you have regarding a potential divorce. Knowledge and information will probably calm many of your fears.

Notwendy, your father sounds like he truly loved you very much. The way you describe him on your wedding day is I believe, the way he felt about you every single minute of every single day. I am so sorry you did not hear him tell you "you are worth standing up for." But as a dad and husband of an uBPDw, I am confident that he felt that way about you. Notwendy, "YOU ARE WORTH STANDING UP FOR." Thank you for sharing, you have inspired me to be more vocal and affectionate with my daughters. They need to know how I really feel about them. Thank you.

[unicorn2014]

Notwendy, it was my ex husbands sisters that helped me get ready for my wedding after the rsvp'd at the last minute. My family had nothing to do with my wedding.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry to hear that, Unicorn, it has to be a painful memory to not have your parents there on your special day.

Icthelight, I am glad I can make a difference for you and your children. It isn't easy to share an emotional story, but it is comforting to know that I can make a difference for other parents and children, and also let them know that what they do matters so much if they are the more emotionally stable parent.

My mother would have said the same thing about me not respecting her as a teen. It isn't easy to go through that phase where they separate from you.  A parent of a teen has to learn to let go and at the same time not let go too much. It's a challenge for all parents, surely one with BPD who would take teen age behaviors ( hormonal, irritable) as a personal affront to them.

However, a teen knows that her parents are two different people- two different adults who are each responsible for their own relationships. For a person with BPD, who has poor boundaries, it may appear that their relationship with their child depends on the other parent's relationship with that child. To some extent, both parents need to be aligned and consistent with the child and not undermine each other... .but... .

You diminishing your relationship with your child will not make your child respect her mother. It doesn't work that way. Like any relationship, this issue of respect is between the two of them. My mother asserting her control of how my father related to me did not result in me respecting her more. It may have given her a sense of control or power, but basically, I acted respectfully to her out of fear of losing my father's love, but that was fear, not respect.

[unicorn2014]

Not Wendy  they were there but they let my ex husbands sisters and my church do all the work. So I was saying not even my dad helped me.

---

I appreciate the message you're giving the original poster to be there for his daughter. It does matter.

[patientandclear]

Dobzhansky--I agree with most of the thoughts shared above by other posters.  I'm a lawyer (and have been the client of a lawyer going through a rough contested divorce trial).  I concur completely with FF and KateCat in their suggestion that a lawyer consult can only make you feel you have more ground to stand on, less to lose, more options, and less vulnerability than you presently think or fear.  That can only be helpful as you make other choices.

Consulting a lawyer will in no way make YOU more likely to divorce.  It just equips you to better process any explicit or implied threats which otherwise might worm their way into your calculations about other decisions, and cause you not to do things you otherwise want to do or know you should do.

I agree with KateCat that you should visit a few lawyers for initial consults, which might or might not be free, and get a sense of who you feel comfortable with.  The family law/divorce bar (group of lawyers) tends to have two poles I would stay away from: (i) lawyers who posture as super aggressive and cutthroat (which, besides probably not matching your attitude, is a stupid and counterproductive litigation stance); and (ii) lawyers who participate in a new movement called collaborative divorce or collaborative family law, which eschews conflict and tries to achieve the best resolution for all members of the family through agreement.  That sounds nice, but lawyers usually need to be prepared to at least plan strategies that are not agreed, if the other side is unreasonable or unprincipled; and with a personality disorder on the other side, you would NOT want to have made a pre-emptive commitment to always agree.  That sets you up terribly for manipulation, especially if the other side has more money to start over with new lawyers if things get contentious (in collaborative family law, the deal is often that if the case gets adversarial, both sides get new lawyers.  Very hard for someone with limited resources).

Again, it's highly likely you would never need your lawyer to do anything other than advise you that you are not very vulnerable.  But in selecting someone to work with, I'd bear the above guidelines in mind, on the chance there ever is a court case.

Finally, I would fill the lawyer in that your wife appears to have a personality disorder.  Some will be quite familiar with those dynamics (lots of parenting evaluations obtained in the course of divorce litigation unearth evidence of personality disorders, and skilled lawyers are familiar with the implications for parenting, abusive use of conflict, etc., which all bear on the objectives for a final divorce decree).  So it would be optimal to work with a lawyer with some familiarity with those issues.

Enjoy the wedding!  And get yourself to a lawyer so you can have more peace of mind.  I wouldn't worry about the box on the paperwork BTW.  Just check yes -- almost anyone at that point would have at least spoken with a lawyer.

[Notwendy]

I am not a lawyer and I don't know much about divorce laws, but I am curious.

I have heard something about the spouse who leaves the home being the one to abandon the marriage? This puts them at some sort of disadvantage?

Also, there is common law marriage and laws about conjugating marriages. For instance a spouse can sue the person who cheats with their spouse over interfering with that?

So, if a spouse moves away and they have not seen the person in a year- is there some kind of "common law" separation?

I may be talking nonsense. All I know is from listening to people who I know have gone through this and who are close friends so they tell me their stories.

[patientandclear]

Family law varies state by state.  But in general, absolutely, the spouse who voluntarily departs the relationship, moves out of state, and abandons caretaking responsibilities for the kids, is at an enormous disadvantage in any litigation.

[Notwendy]

Then there may be less to fear here legally after such a long separation.

However, one thing that I would want to look into would be the impact of a "romantic visit" from wife. If the family is legally savvy ,they may advise an interruption in the separation.

I know the OP wants to stay married at this point, but If I were to have a romantic encounter, I would want to be sure it was sincere and not in pursuit of a lawsuit.

I think I would want to know the legal outcome of choices before making them.