Platos_Teacher
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2
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« on: November 12, 2017, 09:01:20 PM » |
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Hello All,
First off, my apologies for what will be a long read. I think part of this may just be good for me to get out down in text somewhere, but if you choose to read the whole thing, you have my thanks.
I've been with my wife for 7 years. We met in the summer of 2010, and after our second date, I told her that I knew I wanted to marry her someday. I knew very early on about the depression that she dealt with since she was 13, but I did not know about the BPD - and nor did she.
She lived with her sisters during school, and would complain that her sister was the cause of her depression - that she would constantly get yelled at and made it seem like her sister was the worst person in the world. (you are most likely nodding after this sentence)
A few months after we started dating, I suggested that she move in with me as I have had this tendency to always want to help. If I knew then what I know now, I'm not sure what I would do.
4 months after moving in, she quit her job, and said she was going to focus on her depression, as by that time I had been exposed to many nights of crying and misery. I was still strong at that point. I was easily able to offer the emotional safety net that she needed to come down.
Shortly after this, the narrative changed - her mother became the worst person in the world. After months of living together, finally, I was the worst person in the world. I was completely supporting both of us off of my pay. I started to hear things like "this place is a dump, I can't wait to get out of here" and "i hate that you take advantage of me". Even on my birthday when my friends chose to throw me a weekend party, I got hell after it because "your birthday is about us, it isn't about you".
I was beside myself after that conversation, but we moved on, like we always did.
In the spring of 2012, I decided that I wanted to marry her. We went looking for ring styles for fun, and then it fell out of conversation to ensure it was a surprise. In the summer, she was down at her parents place, and in the middle of a week long episode. That weekend we had arranged to have our pictures taken by her friend who is a professional, but little did my to be wife know that these were also going to be engagement pictures.
She was screaming through text about not being engaged yet. The conversation started around 7pm and by 7am, I let it slip that I was going to be late on Friday because i had to pick something up. She realized what was coming, that she was ___ing and whining the whole night about something that was going to happen in just a few days. She had ruined it for herself.
The next day, her mother calls me at work in tears because now to be wife is blaming her that she had ruined the surprise.
To be wife comes back, expects that I am going to call of everything and dump her. I mentally pushed through it telling myself "it's not her that's the problem, it's the disorder. It's not her fault she has depression. Otherwise she is a wonderful person". I propose, we take pictures, and move on. A few months later she tells me she hated the proposal, and that it was my fault that I didn't give her what she wanted. I was crushed beyond words. I pulled up the pictures from the engagement, and just stared at them - at her, smiling, all the while thinking "she is lying in this picture". She came over to see what was going on, to see me broken and there wasn't much sympathy. But again, mentally moved past it.
We started wedding planning for the following year, and secured the venue for the reception. She had some ups and downs, but I was being mentally pushed to a checkpoint. I had brought up counselling to her multiple times but she refused, and she wasn't getting better. I finally sit her down and tell her that if she is not willing to go to counselling, she should give the ring back - at which point, she takes it and throws it at me.
FYI - still no BPD identification yet
Soon after that, she agrees to go, and the result was what I should have expected. She says she doesn't think it's going to help, it never helps etc etc. So after that i finally realized how to deal with her and her issues - don't. Up until then I was taking an active role in suggesting things, and trying to help her, trying to be a white night I guess. That would only result in things being my fault when they didn't work or work well.
So I have another conversation with her - I will no longer be participating in your strategy for getting better. You come up with a plan,
This had an interesting effect - up until then, it was always somebody else's fault, because it was somebody else's suggestion that went wrong. Now she had to take accountability.
She suggests going back to counselling - I say no I'm not interested. She asks why, and I respond that I'm not interested in going somewhere when it is a waste of time based on what I saw last night. She persuades me to go - I fell for it again.
We get to the counsellor, and they ask "So why are you here today" and wife to be says "I don't know, I was told to come here". I'm flabbergasted. What results is wife to be insinuating that I forced her to be there, which probably made the counsellor think that I am a problem. So we leave, and get in the car. I had never been so angry in my life, and I let her know it. I was betrayed by someone claiming to love me. Someone whom I said no to going to counselling with, and when they convince me to go, does this. And again, we move past it.
Eventually she is set up with a mood specialist, reads in a book one day about BPD and she makes a connection. She advises the psychiatrist and he says, yeah that could be the case. She tells me and her mother, and we start nodding our heads about some of the things we read about it. She does not have any of the compulsive behavior, but other signs are there.
All while this is going on, interactions between her and my family get colder by the visit. My mother is an issue herself - she is controlling, has to be charge, has to be right, and may have her own mental illnesses. My dad just puts up with it and just avoids conflict.
Moving forward - I give her an ultimatum to get better, I have her move out until she gets better because her behavior is beginning to affect my mental health. She gets her act together for the most part, gets a job, and moves back in when we move into our new house that we buy.
Throughout our relationship, and from the beginning, I tell her of my desire to have kids. She stated that she didn't set out to have kids, but wasn't opposed to having them either - great. We even settled on potential names of our boy and girl if we have them. 2 months prior to the wedding - she says she doesn't know if she wants kids anymore.
What?
She says she has a good job now, and is happy with what she is doing and doesn't think she wants kids any longer. So I say "that's a pretty crappy thing to be telling me right before we get married". So I inform her that she has a choice to make, because kids were a deal breaker for me. We ended up getting married in the summer of 2014.
Moving to late 2015, she has been stable for a couple of years at that point, we decide to move forward with having a child. This means she has to come off her anti-depressants, and she raised concerns about what if it gets too hard. I assure her that if it gets too hard for her, that at that point I will support not having kids on the basis of her difficulty. A few bad days happen prior to us trying, and I ask her if we are at the line yet - she says no. We move forward, and get pregnant.
During the pregnancy, things between her and my family go from icy, to unmanageable. I found myself trying to be 007 in the background to try and keep the peace. I would make up compliments that my parents said to try and improve the relationship. Wife and I would have discussions about major things, and after a day or 2 of reflection I would revisit the discussion having a change of heart - only to have wife no accusing me of having discussions with my parents who are trying to turn me against her according to her.
As the pregnancy continues, things get more and more difficult. My parents only have negative things to say about her, and she only has negative things to say about them. The last time she saw them, she was about 6 months pregnant and it was Christmas. I called my parents to try and explain the difficulties she is having, with the very limited medication she can take during pregnancy, as well as the pregnancy itself. I ask if they can just offer support and make her feel welcome. My mother viewed this as being walked all over. But they agree.
For the holidays that year, we decided to send out Christmas cards to family announcing that our unborn child was to be a male. It was a great idea, and we received phone calls and emails from those we sent it to congratulating us - but not my parents.
Christmas party. She decided she was not going to be hugging anyone at party at their place - and I already knew how this was going to go down. We arrive, my mom tries to hug her, and wife politely (no sarcasm) says that she isn't feeling well and would rather not. Says the same thing to father but he hugs her anyway. About an hour in she isn't feeling well enough to stay so we leave. As we are leaving, again mother tries to hug her, again she politely declines, and mother walks off in a huff.
We walk out and I am furious at both of them. At mother because if someone doesn't want a hug, then friggan leave it alone, and don't act like a child throwing a tantrum. At wife because we are not even to the car and she is already like "did YOU JUST SEE WHAT SHE DID". Also because, again, it's a hug. What is the big deal. But mostly, because I told her that it is her prerogative not to hug people, but she needed to understand that her behavior has consequences.
From that event, she now is wanting me to "address" the incident with my parents. We were planning on staying the night at their place on Christmas even like we always did, but after that event it was obvious that wasn't happening. What resulted was me driving up there alone, having dinner, and asking if they had received the Christmas card.
"Yep".
Looking back on this moment, it forecasted what was to come in the next 2 years, but I couldn't see it at the time. I was just disappointed that there was no excitement for me from my own family.
In the weeks that followed Christmas, wife was obsessed with the Christmas party interaction, and told me that if I didn't confront my parents about their behavior that she wanted a divorce. I was mortified. I didn't want a divorce, but I was also being blackmailed. Where was I? Who was this in front of me? What was I supposed to do? She had complete control, but I didn't give in. She ended up calling her mom and her mom and I are in sync at this point on her behavior. Her mom sides with me and tells her she isn't getting a divorce. A hectic night ends, and we move on shortly. But this divorce threat was new, and it really hit me hard. I was angry that the threat was even used, so I decided that the tables would turn if it happened again, and it did.
She addresses the incident again, and threatens divorce. I tell her if she wants one, to go right ahead and I leave the room to go to the basement. Shortly after, wife shows up all of a sudden wanting to work on things and be constructive. I inform her that she is abusing me mentally, and it needs to stop RIGHT NOW.
As we moved closer to the pregnancy in the spring, wife's psychiatrist gives us a birth plan. 5 days in hospital, 24 hour supervision, and no visitors. He advises that when we get home, we may want to consider not having visitors for a couple months, until wife's mental state calms down from the post partum mental balancing. Nobody should stay over at the house, and visits should be an hour or less. We are also informed that she will almost definitely get PPD because of her existing illnesses - great.
Instead of making 50 phone calls, we decided to write an email to family. We gave as much context as we could, that this was going to a difficult time for us as a new family, and that we hope to have visitors as soon as we can.
Most of the people that received the email were disappointed but understood. My family, ALL of them, didn't respond. I called my parents 2 weeks after sending the email, and I was greeted with hostility. I didn't understand. This birth was about us, what could they be upset about? Did we not explain things enough? Not much was said, other than they didn't want to talk to me yet. I said fine.
I speak to my aunt and uncle, and they advised that the email did come across as a little cold. I asked them if I wrote another email to send to my parents, if they could review it and they agreed. The email was blessed by them, stating that only good things could come from it - boy were they wrong.
In my email, I was pleading as a son for support. Mentally, I was breaking, and I knew I couldn't afford to. I had a wife with mental illnesses, and a son on the way. I needed support. I tried to explain everything that the doctor had told us in every detail.
The response I received was shocking. I had hurt the family. My wife had hurt the family. They are sorry I was hurting but there's only so much the family can take. They say there are things wife has done that I didn't know and other insults tossed my way, and they don't expect to ever see the baby. To top it all off, it ended with 1 line of "but we are excited and happy for you. we are behind you."
Right.
I don't responded for a couple of months, until delivery. My son was born, and my wife did great. I call my parents to inform them of the news, and keep in touch with them for a week when we invite them to come see our son. To wife's credit, she handled herself amazing during the visit. My mother was shocking. She was rude, sarcastic, and hurtful. I was very nervous prior to the visit, but I thought it was an olive branch to heal the relationship between all of us. My hope was our son would start to bring people together. This didn't happen.
2 weeks later, May 6th 2016, the last time I spoke to my parents. To keep this brief, I tried to address what happened during the visit by calling my parents and talking it out like an adult. When resulted was them immediately stating all of the problems with wife, that she should get on medication and I can bring her around when she is normal again. My father had to side with my mother, and there was a comment he made that spoke to how aware he was of the magnitude of this conversation. He said that just because we are fighting and yelling, doesn't mean that they don't love me, and that families fight. He knew what this was. I haven't spoken to them since.
My wife heard most of my side when the "discussion" escalated to yelling, and me leaving them conversation inconsolable for what felt like hours. When I calmed down, I looked at her and stated "I just went to war for you. And if you ever bring up anything about me not putting you first, or standing up for you again, god help you."
I'm running out of space, so I need to be brief here. The last 2 years have been exhausting. I took care of our son entirely for the first 5 months - night, and day. Wife needed rest, and I just did what I could. Now I get period blaming of "I'm sick again because you pressured me into having kids. I used to have a good job, I was happy. I have all these new medical problems like PMDD because I had a child."
Some days are fine. Others are not.
The problem now is I have no family. I have virtually no support network. I have nobody to pick ME up off the mat when I get knocked down.
I love my son. I love my wife. But there's no gas left in the tank.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I gu
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