My first post

[Brando]

Hello everyone.

This is my first blog post and my first real dive into a community relating to BPD. I have been aware for a while that my partner has exhibited traits of BPD; it was actually she herself that brought it to light for me after I was highly confused by some of her early actions.

She is Australian and since the pandemic we have been maintaining a long distance relationship as I have been unable to go there. She managed to fly over between lockdowns for a couple of months but we are now approaching a time frame whereby we have been apart for longer than we have been physically together. It has felt as though we have done well at this over the last year and a half, supporting each other through calls on opposite sides of the planet, mutually anticipating that we will eventually be able to see each other again. Things have felt good for a while until very recently. We had agreed that I would apply for exemption to enter Australia claiming a de facto relationship and she had been emailing me evidence that we could use - this had been the plan for a while.

 There came a moment where she was messaging me about feeling comfortable satisfying our needs with other people as long as we were aware that we were each other's number one. I naturally became suspicious of the motives and stated that i was uncomfortable with that notion. (There is a chance that I am reading too much into this as I know I have done with her before, but I am just trying to understand what could have been a potential trigger). A couple of days later she calls and breaks up with me suddenly and without explanation other than a 'gut feeling.' 

At this stage I understand enough to know that its noting to do with me and that something has triggered this response. I know that long distance during a pandemic provides its own difficulties and I am more than happy to have these discussions with her but the manner in which she approached it and the position she put me in was extremely hurtful. After sitting in highly painful confusion for 3 days we arranged a call and seeing that she still wanted me to go immediately diminished much of the pain. I knew to approach this call empathetically and without retaliation.

I'm now in a position where I must decide whether to continue with my plan to go to Australia in light of this seemingly strong impulsive action but know that i need to communicate very clearly with her about how she's made me feel and how I would approach any relationship with her from this point forward.

Thank you for reading x

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm so glad you found us.  I think we can help you sort through this.

I'm curious what you believed her motives to be in that cryptic message?  Did you ever clarify?

Looking forward to your next post.

Best,

FF

[Brando]

Hi FF,

Thank you so much, I already feel settled in finding this community and seeing the thoughtful discussions - I do wonder why I didn’t seek it out sooner.

I guess I was suspicious of her finding someone else whom she could be romantic with while keeping me sweet over here. She has denied this and when I reflect with clarify I remind myself that she isn’t like that and wouldn’t consider how those messages may come across to me. I have not once wasted any emotional energy on jealousy or suspicion for the duration of our long distance until that moment, and it was the sudden break up that fuelled the fire. I’m curious as to whether there was subconscious testing involved. I’m hoping to have another thoughtful and productive conversation again with her soon.

[Brando]

I should also mention that she has moved to a new city, just moved into her new home, has started a new job and been promoted, and is also studying. I’ve read that these combined stresses may be factors in this.

[formflier]

What is the timeline for the Australia trip...or is it really a "move" to Australia?

Is this the first big misunderstanding you guys have had?

Good to see you responding quickly and so glad you are "settling in" to read other discussions!   

Best,

FF

[once removed]

i need to communicate very clearly with her about how she's made me feel and how I would approach any relationship with her from this point forward.

tread lightly.

its not my thing, personally, but open relationships, in this day and age, are not only becoming a popular thing, but relatively normal, even. and its, increasingly, something that a lot of couples, in similar situations, or very different situations, argue about.

it was a hurtful notion for you. i dont want to diminish that. but at the same time, she may feel shut down by the conversation. it could have been a test. it could have been a sincere inquiry.

[Brando]

I would get a year working holiday Visa for the trip to Australia. We never put on the pressure for it to be a 'move' although she did frequently suggest longer term possibilities which is normal. It's been the first misunderstanding for a while.
In many ways I think the distance has actually benefitted the relationship. Both of us have been able to focus on each other as well as giving support to the other person.

I am not so much annoyed at her bringing this subject up as I am of the very sudden break up almost immediately after. I would have comfortably had this discussion with her and we probably would have come to some arrangement but it was the breakup without any discussion that I am trying to understand.
I suppose my initial 'shutting down' could have brought it about. 

[Brando]

I have done a lot of reading. It appears that the most likely thing is a splitting event has occurred. Because its been a while since this has happened i naively thought that we may have reached a place beyond this. I understand now that they occur in cycles. I am reflecting on the situation as a whole as best as possible and am contemplating our next chat.
Is there any advice on whether I should bring up a discussion about this to her? highlighting the times its happened before and sharing some of the things i've learnt about the condition over the last few days?