Hey guys,
I guess a part of me wanted her back badly, but my intuition would not allow it.
I did quit smoking weed... . after 12 years of smoking, it is something that I am proud of and it is bringing positive change to my life.
I guess she really does love me... . that is why she cut me out of her life. It's called Mercy. I believe in her being able to heal over years, and perhaps so does she... . however, she knows that I deserve better. I think the only way she could get rid of me was to hate me. She painted me black intentionally. She reverse brainwashed herself in to hating me. She doesn't think she deserves good treatment... . she doesn't respect herself.
I have heard all of the angry talk on here over and over again. I doubt that thinking of her as a terrible person is going to bring me the acceptance and closure that I am looking for. I do love this person. However, somebody must be looking out for me, because I deserve a kind and loving person... . especially after going through this hell.
Perhaps a wiser part of me knew, that if I pushed and pushed and pushed... . that she would have no choice but to cut me out of her life. She wanted to sleep with me and I said NO. She wanted to be "friends" and I said NO. She attacked my character and I said NO, and flipped it around on her. My boundaries are much stronger:)
I never would have gotten her pregnant, because my intuition would never allow me to "finish". Thank goodness my bottom half is smarter than my top half. I really hope that she is able to recover her core identity.
I am able to see who she was supposed to be, before she was sexually abused, physically abused, abused herself.
I have Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome from some bacterial infection that I picked up for her several years ago. the pain is a constant reminder of her... . it does seem to get worse when I am going to see her, but perhaps it is because I am turned on. She left me with a nasty curse that essentially prevents me from getting to close to a woman initially. (because it hurts to be turned on). Maybe that's a blessing in disguise?
Either way... . I am scarred for life in many ways. I really hope I can meet a kind and nurturing woman one day. I am not quite sure what kind of woman would want to be with me... . I have a bad relationship with my family (filled with mental illness) and I am damaged goods.
Expos---this is what I did for four months. Yes it drove her crazy about me... . when I met up with her; she made sure to appear that way to me, and then she went NC on me and now ignores me.
It's all about her eye for an eye mentality. Lucky for me, I am not impressed by the way she is behaving. I wonder if you have been reading Pickup Artist books or something,
. The law of attraction says that LIKE attracts LIKE.
If I am repelling her at this point that must be a good sign. Because that must mean I am not attracting her anymore. That she has found people as sick as her, and that they are more attractive to her.
She did tell me that "she knows in her heart that we don't belong together".
That she knows that "She is not my type".
I do think she has changed me for the better.
Just like LOVE and HATE.
BETTER and WORSE are two sides of the same coin.
This is why growing up in an abusive household has made me a BETTER person than most.
Because I am making a conscious effort to turn things around for myself.
Since for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction... . the amount of pain and suffering I have endured at the hands of others will surely translate to some form of good.
We will see.
Thanks for your help guys. Expos - thanks for not sugar coating. It helps to be honest with my feelings. To be self-aware. It is okay for me to love this woman. But it is not okay for me to have anything to do with her in my waking life.
I did quit smoking weed. Cold turkey. Be proud of me. I am doing great things these days.
Best,
Jon