New here

[Parents! Get help here!]

Although the more I read (I'm just new) the more similar the stories seem to be.

My D23 has just lost her drivers license for being almost twice the legal limit.  Then she went and drove again and had her car impounded which will cost hundreds to be released.  I have supported her and she has literally cost me thousands.  She lives at home with me and my GS3. I actually moved out of my home because I couldn't cope with her behavior and wanted my GS3 to have a stable home.  She also tells me i am a hopeless parent and everything that goes wrong is because of me in some way.  I apparently won't help her.  She calls me an f... .   b... .   on a regular basis (almost daily) and is not paying full rent because she has racked up so many debts.  It's soo out of control I am at a loss to know how to deal with it in many ways but am very worried about my GS3.

I've come to some conclusions though, 1) is that she has to be out of my house soon because she is taking me down emotionally and financially

2) If she can't take care of her son because she spends all her money I will take care of him.  

I told her recently that if she failed on her rent I would give her 2 weeks noticed and she has now failed on her rent.  (I'm managing a high mortgage and cannot afford it without the additional rent.  I'm also single so it makes it challenging.)  Now I'm wondering if I should follow through on what I said and kick her out?  I've really had enough!

Anyway, thanks for sharing it's nice to not feel alone.

Nickyg

 

[nickyg]

Although the more I read (I'm just new) the more similar the stories seem to be.

My D23 has just lost her drivers license for being almost twice the legal limit.  Then she went and drove again and had her car impounded which will cost hundreds to be released.  I have supported her and she has literally cost me thousands.  She lives at home with me and my GS3. I actually moved out of my home because I couldn't cope with her behavior and wanted my GS3 to have a stable home.  She also tells me i am a hopeless parent and everything that goes wrong is because of me in some way.  I apparently won't help her.  She calls me an f... .   b... .   on a regular basis (almost daily) and is not paying full rent because she has racked up so many debts.  It's soo out of control I am at a loss to know how to deal with it in many ways but am very worried about my GS3.

I've come to some conclusions though, 1) is that she has to be out of my house soon because she is taking me down emotionally and financially

2) If she can't take care of her son because she spends all her money I will take care of him.  

I told her recently that if she failed on her rent I would give her 2 weeks noticed and she has now failed on her rent.  (I'm managing a high mortgage and cannot afford it without the additional rent.  I'm also single so it makes it challenging.)  Now I'm wondering if I should follow through on what I said and kick her out?  I've really had enough!

Anyway, thanks for sharing it's nice to not feel alone.

Nickyg

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

My BPD child is not yet an adult (13) so I cannot offer advice there, but wanted to say   and  , especially to this specific board where we try to support each other as parents.  Life is so stressful, heartbreaking and I could go on and on, with a BPD child in the house!  Even at 13 DH and I both feel so often like she hates us and that she uses us.  Is your DD on any type of medication?  It is not a cure for sure, but being on an anti-anxiety/depressant and mood stabilizer has helped a great deal.    from a fellow mom who understands!

[jellibeans]

Hey nickyg

just wanted to welcome you too... .   I also have young one but what I think is very important when dealing with pwBPD... .   if you say you are going to put her out then you need to follow through... .   that is the most important thing to have in the back of your head is that you have to be willing to follow through or they will never respect or take you seriously. Before making the threat always keep that in mind.

We have all been where you are... .   worn out and frustrate... .   take a deep breathe... .   I know there are others with older kids that can give you better advise than me... .    

[pessim-optimist]

Hi nickyg, and Welcome to this board!



Thank you for sharing with us. It must be so tiresome, frustrating and frightening to be at this crossroads!

Sending a   your way... .  

Just want to give you some support. It seems like you are figuring out what needs to happen in your life so you can take better care of yourself in order to be able to take care of others.

Only you can decide what is best in your situation. But if you are doubting your decision right now, I can tell you that it is normal, we all love our children and feel awkward when we feel we need to do something drastic.

Take some deep breaths, do something that will clear your head, and help you relax... .  

In general, it is a good idea to follow through on what we say we will do. Otherwise it only makes BPD symptoms worse and lands us in a more difficult situation.

So, my question would be: What doubts do you have? What are your pros and cons?

What do you think is the wise decision, ultimately?

[qcarolr]

 Nickyg. My d is almost 27. My gd is almost 8. So hard even with dh. My heart is so with u being single. What support do u have for yourself. Therapist... .   friend... .   family... .   faith group... .     we need others.  We r here for u.

My d is. In our home about half time and on probation for pot smell and being defiant doing roadside tests and refusing blood tests. Not doing her ua s. She losing it. We need to put her out again. So so hard she. Will be homeless again or in jail.  So hard.

Get support to ponder how to preserve urself and be there to. Gs best u can. Hard choices. Will keep u in my thoughts n prayers.


Qcr  

[js friend]

Hi Nickyg!

You must keep your boundries in place nickyg.

I totally understand how you are feeling. I was ready to tell my dd to leave when she was 16yo, but she left on her own accord shortly after her 17th birthday. I felt  relieved and a worried at the same time and had many, many sleepless nights,... .   but i had the same sleepless nights  when she lived here as she would stay out over her curfew or not come home at all.,I found that my dd would push and push at every turn until i felt that i was at breaking point too  

Now my dd isnt living here anymore she respects my boundries and can see that i was just trying to parent her .

If  you go back on what you have said your dd will get mixed messages and think it is ok to treat you the way she is treating you and then it becomes pretty much a war-zone, or you will be walking on eggshells in your own home.

We here all know that telling our child to leave  is not a decision any of us make lightly, and definitley not a decision we come to overnight especially when you have your gs there to consider (iam a new granparent too)

but you must do what you need to do to maintain your own mental health.

Look after yourself.

jsf

[nickyg]

Hi nickyg, and Welcome to this board!



Thank you for sharing with us. It must be so tiresome, frustrating and frightening to be at this crossroads!

Sending a   your way... .  

Just want to give you some support. It seems like you are figuring out what needs to happen in your life so you can take better care of yourself in order to be able to take care of others.

Only you can decide what is best in your situation. But if you are doubting your decision right now, I can tell you that it is normal, we all love our children and feel awkward when we feel we need to do something drastic.

Take some deep breaths, do something that will clear your head, and help you relax... .  

In general, it is a good idea to follow through on what we say we will do. Otherwise it only makes BPD symptoms worse and lands us in a more difficult situation.

So, my question would be: What doubts do you have? What are your pros and cons?

What do you think is the wise decision, ultimately?

[nickyg]

Thanks for your reply and your questions.  They are helpful.  I decided to go ahead with what I had said and gave my d23 2 weeks notice.  This felt like the right decision though not easy and I am having doubts but recognise this as a normal feeling now that I've been thinking more about my responses.

The pros for me are that i will get my life back and she will take more responsibility. For her, it could possibly be the making of her and I really don't know that living with Mum always helps people with BPD.  I have a sense that it will be better for her to be seperate from me.

Cons are that everything might go pear shaped, her bulimia get worse, alcohol and drug addiction get worse etc... .   and she won't be able to take care of her s3.  I do worry about my GS3 as I don't think he gets a lot of attention during the day from her and spends his day watching cartoons whilst she puts on make up and fake tan and binges on food.  Ahhh... .   It's so hard to know what's best for him.  He loves his Mum and she him but her behavior is all over the place and she can be abusive to him as well.

 

The other con is her mounting debt.  The flats she is now looking at are pricey and I really don't see how she can afford it with the debt she currently has but I'm doing really well in saying nothing about that as it only leads to arguments and no change at all. 

Ultimately now, I have to do it and let go of her life whilst keeping an eye on GS3 and providing as much support as I can for him so hopefully can minimize the impact.

Nickyg

[nickyg]

Nickyg. My d is almost 27. My gd is almost 8. So hard even with dh. My heart is so with u being single. What support do u have for yourself. Therapist... .   friend... .   family... .   faith group... .     we need others.  We r here for u.

My d is. In our home about half time and on probation for pot smell and being defiant doing roadside tests and refusing blood tests. Not doing her ua s. She losing it. We need to put her out again. So so hard she. Will be homeless again or in jail.  So hard.

Get support to ponder how to preserve urself and be there to. Gs best u can. Hard choices. Will keep u in my thoughts n prayers.


Qcr  

[nickyg]

Thanks for your reply.  It is very hard trying to make the right decisions.  My heart goes out to you as well.  It can be such a nightmare watching the people you love seemingly destroy themselves.  Especially when there is a grand child involved. I have been amazed by your posts as the things your d says to you are so similar to what my d23 is saying.  Especially when it comes to the gs3.  She will say things like ":)on't talk to her, she's a witch" to him and it must be so confusing for him when he loves both of us. Also, the pot smoking, alcohol and bulimia all seem to be out of control. 

My gs3 can sometimes be scared of her as well and I'm at a loss to know how to manage it all as trying to protect him ends up becoming a battle in front of him and I don't want that either.

Nickyg  

[pessim-optimist]

Those are such hard dilemmas, aren't they?   

Especially trying to protect your gs3... .   The books on BPD say that it is best to remove the child from the presence of pwBPD when they are out of control, but I think that mostly applies to spouses. We as grandparents can't easily do that if we don't have custody of the grandchild... .  

My heart goes out to you, we have experienced similar things with our d32 (my step-daughter) and her 3 kids... .   It is heart-breaking at times and no easy answers.

As you move forward with your decision, would it ease your pain to know that in the long run, it will allow you to create a stable environment around you and that may make it possible to effectively help your gs and maybe even your dd, if she will cooperate?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders