Despair

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

Recently, my ex partner has informed me they have entered into a serious relationship with another person. I am struggling to understand this sudden change, after only the day before she wanted to try to fix things. She said she no longer is interested in me and said that i nor her previous ex were not meant for her. Our relationship was hellish, filled with emotional abuse, physical abuse and violence. Yet I find myself attached and unable to cope with being discarded and rejected after giving everything I have emotionally, physically and financially to help her.

I learnt about her BPD after this, which helped me somewhat understand why things happened in the relationship. My issue is I am now in a state of depression, most days finding myself unable to get out of bed. I harbor a sense of false hope that she will contact me, and flood me with calls as she used to do.

Do I need to accept that there is no way back? She says she is happy with her new partner and that they will be leaving the country within 6 months. He has assured her that they will have children soon, as this is what she wants more than anything. Something I asked for more time on in order to improve our relationship.

Also, is there anything I can do to stop the constant rumination? I dream of her every night, and am tempted to contact her myself throughout the day. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Many thanks,

Forest

[Forest22]

Hi,

Recently, my ex partner has informed me they have entered into a serious relationship with another person. I am struggling to understand this sudden change, after only the day before she wanted to try to fix things. She said she no longer is interested in me and said that i nor her previous ex were not meant for her. Our relationship was hellish, filled with emotional abuse, physical abuse and violence. Yet I find myself attached and unable to cope with being discarded and rejected after giving everything I have emotionally, physically and financially to help her.

I learnt about her BPD after this, which helped me somewhat understand why things happened in the relationship. My issue is I am now in a state of depression, most days finding myself unable to get out of bed. I harbor a sense of false hope that she will contact me, and flood me with calls as she used to do.

Do I need to accept that there is no way back? She says she is happy with her new partner and that they will be leaving the country within 6 months. He has assured her that they will have children soon, as this is what she wants more than anything. Something I asked for more time on in order to improve our relationship.

Also, is there anything I can do to stop the constant rumination? I dream of her every night, and am tempted to contact her myself throughout the day. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Many thanks,

Forest

[Pook075]

Hi Forest, welcome to the site!  I am so sorry you're going through this and your story will resonate with a lot of people here.  After my wife and I split up, she did the same thing- saying she wants to reconcile one minute, then wanting nothing to do with me the next.  It was maddening and incredibly difficult to get through.

A few things that might help- what you're describing is unstable thinking.  Your ex is sick and she's not processing thoughts clearly, so her mind is not made up about anything.  However, she's met someone new and there's no drama there, everything feels so perfect, so she's buying into that this relationship will be different.  It won't.  The problem is her disordered thinking- not you, the other ex, or the new person she's involved with.

The next thing is an extension of that- this is not your fault.  Disordered thinking from BPD is the problem here.  For your relationship to work, your ex's thinking would have to stabilize, and that's not something you can accomplish.  The only thing that will help her is therapy and commitment to getting better, which is 100% up to her.  You can't change that and as hard as this may be to hear, this has nothing to do with you.

Now for your question- should you give up?  That's a tough one that only you can answer.  You should give up on your previous relationship though because there's no way to ever get that back.  The dynamics have changed and she'll never view you that way again like she did in the initial 'honeymoon phase'.  If things were to work out, it would have to be something new and it would probably take some time- are you prepared to wait it out while she pursues another relationship?

There's no wrong answer here, it purely comes down to what your moral compass is guiding you to do.

One thing you can do today is to start learning more about BPD and better communication techniques to avoid the worst of situations.  Right now self care should also be a big priority- get out there and find yourself once again, maybe develop some healthy habits or spend time with friends. 

Again, you are not in control of the relationship any more and it's not about you, so it's time to make a fresh start.  Please feel free to ask questions and again, welcome to the community!

[Rev]

Hi Forrest,

Welcome.  Really sorry that you've experienced what you have experienced. Really happy that you found us.  You've come to a great place. Each of us has had our own experience. Many of us - myself included - experienced a real drop in mood following a break-up. These relationships are so confusing because everything can be turned upside down, almost without warning.  It's so easy to get experience what I call emotional whiplash.

Pook here has ask some really good questions, so I'm just going to sit an wait.  One step at a time is not just a fancy one liner at a time like this.  Sometimes I was a few hours at a time.  So I'll just check in to see how this conversation evolves before I add anything.

In the meantime, hang in there and reach out any time.

Rev

[Rev]

.... or perhaps I should say that Pook has offered some good feedback.  No matter, I'll wait to see how things unfold.

[once removed]

hi Forest22, and

i came here years ago in a similar place. after three years, my ex had jumped into a new relationship. i was shattered, and, similarly, in a pretty bad way; my sleep schedule, such as it was, was upside down, i couldnt get out of bed, and the rumination never stopped.

so i suppose the first thing i want you to know is that someone understands, and can tell you that it really does get better.

so much of my earliest days were just white knuckling it. doing anything at all that i could accomplish. trying to have any (and i mean ANY) sense of routine. time doesnt heal wounds, but it does dull pain. i did as much as i could, of whatever i could really, to get through those days.

still, after a while, i remained in a dark place. around 80% of people arrive here clinically depressed. as you might know, depression makes everything harder, and symptoms, like disturbed sleep, or appetite, can all exacerbate each other. it might behoove you to get with your primary doctor for a meds evaluation. additionally/alternatively, there were a number of supplements i tried that made an enormous difference, really helped put a fork in what my body was going through at the time.

its a complex thing (to put a label on it) that youve experienced, it is complicated to grieve, and we are here to walk with you through every step. but believe me when i tell you, its going to be far harder to process or cope with if your body and mind are fighting you.

we actually have tools on dealing with excessive rumination. personally, when it was especially out of control, i resorted to putting it in writing (journaling) and just went until i ran out of steam. sometimes i must have gone for hours, and ive never read it, but i must look insane. but, id run out of steam, and it would stop, for a time. in trying to recover, your psyche is trying to put together a mental picture of events that makes sense. as a member described it to me when i came here, its a bit like a movie like the sixth sense. you watch it. you mentally scan it to see what you missed. you rewatch it. you pick up even more. maybe you rewatch it many times, and see something you missed every time.

still, the rumination can get pretty debilitating. when it does, there are different variations of what we have here, the file method: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

[Forest22]

Hi Pook,

Thanks for your reply, it is very much appreciated.

Now for your question- should you give up?  That's a tough one that only you can answer.  You should give up on your previous relationship though because there's no way to ever get that back.  The dynamics have changed and she'll never view you that way again

I have made it difficult for myself to to back. My friends and family have seen me with black eyes, scratches and bruises and have even stated they would distance themselves from me if I was to pursue her again. My ex was aware of this and holds disdain for my them. From this perspective, it would require a completely different environment. This adds to the changing of dynamics.

Unfortunately I had broken no contact last night. I asked her why she left so suddenly after telling me she would wait. Her response was very hurtful. She told me that I put her through hell, and almost ruined her life. She said now that she is in her new relationship, her health is improving, and that her new partner is more family oriented than I am, as her greatest desire is to build a family.  She said she would never be with me again, and doesn't love me. Then she said she is blocking me forever. This is in contrast to our previous conversations, but I believe she has completely split on me, and this may be the final discard.

She has raised things in her response that have made me feel guilty and sad. Like many others I tried very hard to care for her, to the extent that it was at the cost of my own happiness and wellbeing. I was under the illusion that doing so would surely show her that I loved her. However now, it feels like she is a complete stranger. Talking to me as someone harmful to her. This is very hard to accept, and I remain in rumination over what I could have done differently.

I have taken a look at the resources recommended regarding rumination, and have found the filing of thoughts helpful, I will continue to try that. So to answer your question; I still haven't lost that false hope, despite being told clearly I am unwanted and am seen as an antagonist in her eyes. I have tried to explain to her that I did my best and loved her, but this was in vain. She only recalls the worst memories, and forgers the part she played in them. It's difficult, I know I shouldn't and can't, but I would like to. This may be to mitigate the intense grief at the sudden loss of so much attention, and finding myself alone. I will only be able to see my physician after the new year. It seems like I won't be able to make it through the day at times. The the knowledge that her new year will be spent with her new partner gives me nightmares. I feel agony at the end of the week knowing they will be together and I have truly been discarded and demonised by one I love. 

[kells76]

Hi Forest22, just adding my voice to the others in welcoming you to the site. You're in good hands here -- people really understand what you're going through.

There's a lot to unpack in your posts, but first I want to ask what resources you have for those times when you feel like you can't make it through the day. In the USA there's a text crisis line at 741741 and also I believe you can call 988 or search online for "crisis hotline". There are probably similar resources overseas.

That feeling of darkness can come on suddenly and be overwhelmingly strong, I know. If you find yourself feeling that way, can I get you to reach out to one of those lines -- just to talk to someone? I've done it before, you can talk as much or as little as you feel up for.

The holidays can be difficult, so it's important to have some help to make it through to the new year when you know you can see your physician again.

What do you think?

[Pook075]

She has raised things in her response that have made me feel guilty and sad.

I can remember being maybe 12 years old and home alone with my grandmother.  She started yelling at me and I got so upset, I threw whatever I was holding and broke it.  Maybe it was an Xbox controller or something like that?  I can't remember.  Anyway, I yelled back at my grandmother saying that it was her fault the item broke...she made me do it.

Even though it was a lie, my anger got the better of me and my reality was distorted.  It was 100% my fault for reacting poorly.

I'm very sorry the conversation with your wife went poorly, but you have to realize that she's looking at this through jaded lenses...much like I did as a child.  The only difference is that once my mom got home and whooped me, I clearly realized that the mistake was mine.  Your wife's thoughts went unchallenged and she's doubled down on them many times over to reinforce her bad behavior. 

It's incredibly hard for her to see your viewpoint right now, and it is typical for someone with BPD to continue throwing blame since that cleanses them of their own guilt or other feelings.  Therapy can help and so can talking to someone painted white (not the current boyfriend).  In my case, it was my daughter that came down hard on my wife and forced her to re-evaluate some of the absolutes that she formed in her mind.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue to give her space while working on your own well-being.  That won't necessarily fix the relationship, but it will allow you to heal and start to move away from this so you can see the larger picture. 

While her jumping into a new relationship may seem out of nowhere, there were probably other signs that you simply can't see yet because of the trauma involved.  That's normal.  I'll repeat again though that this is not your fault and you should not feel guilty for whatever mistakes you made over the course of the relationship.  We all made mistakes, just like our partners did, but we chose to forgive them and forget while they kept a ledger of all our failures.  It's not a fair fight and it's just not your fault.

Please let us know if there's anything else we can do.  Ask away with questions as well!

[Sophie22]

Your post sounds so similar to my case.

Left for another person out of nowhere , sudden absolute hate from my ex out of nowhere.

I am 3 months into the breakup and often I still ruminate, I woke up this morning and it’s all I can think about and it makes me just so sad.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through but I also know deep down that this relationship was not sustainable as it was, I also know that I deserve more abc you deserve someone who loves you and fights for the relationship.

[Rev]

Hi Forest22

I'll add my support to what Kells and Pook have offered.

The image that I will share is "Turbulence" - caused when hot air rises and cold air falls really fast.  Same things happen when our emotions become turbulent. For example, anger can rise as we feel the depths of sadness.  It times like that, it is really important to find a stable place to let things pass, and then continue to make the choices we need to be emotionally (and sometimes physically) safe.  For example, in the early days of my own break up, I all but stopped drinking alcohol. Something in me told me that drinking wasn't a great choice - digesting alcohol takes tons of energy and prevents that body from absorbing good nutrients. I did lots of exercise in its place. I also drove my car for long drives trying to sort out what I should do next.

It was far from a fun time. I lived through me suffering. And I promise you that I did not suffer as long as I would have had I neglected these things.

So this is really what self care is all about - Keeping your mind clear and your body rested as best as possible.

I am wondering if one thing we can do is help you get these things sorted out?   How are you feeling about your interactions here so far?  Let us know and maybe a self care plan for you is something that might be useful.

What do you think?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[FrancescaK]

I am so sorry for your situation!  Mine is similar and I am seeking help from a therapist as I have been through 6 weeks of hell, can't eat, drinking too much, lost 15 pounds....can't sleep...all the things.  My therapist suggested I listen the the book Stop Walking on Eggshells on Audible as reading is tough right now with my brain so fried.  I could not stop listening.  This book is my first step towards healing and never going back.  I don't know if this will help you, but it might?  Please take care of yourself as none of us deserve to be treated so poorly. I know how hard it is when you love someone.  My now ex is someone I have known my entire life.  I hope you can find some peace and have a relaxing holiday.

[Arsenal]

That feeling of darkness can come on suddenly and be overwhelmingly strong, I know. If you find yourself feeling that way, can I get you to reach out to one of those lines -- just to talk to someone? I've done it before, you can talk as much or as little as you feel up for.

What do you think?

Hi Kells,

I haven't tried one of those lines before, that's something I can look into. I have some support from friends and family, however they can find it difficult with me repeating the same things. The holiday is particularly tough, as prior to her jumping into the new relationship, she had asked me to spend it with her (Christmas/New years eve). I'm worried about this, it will be very difficult for me. If I had accepted this, perhaps the relationship wouldn't have ended, but I was unable to allow myself to do what felt like a mistake. Last year, we had a very special christmas and new year, so those memories also add fuel to the flames. I'll consider giving the lines a go, I think it could be helpful when things get a little too much to handle.

Thanks a lot for your message and support.

[jaded7]

I am so sorry for your situation!  Mine is similar and I am seeking help from a therapist as I have been through 6 weeks of hell, can't eat, drinking too much, lost 15 pounds....can't sleep...all the things.  My therapist suggested I listen the the book Stop Walking on Eggshells on Audible as reading is tough right now with my brain so fried.  I could not stop listening.  This book is my first step towards healing and never going back.  I don't know if this will help you, but it might?  Please take care of yourself as none of us deserve to be treated so poorly. I know how hard it is when you love someone.  My now ex is someone I have known my entire life.  I hope you can find some peace and have a relaxing holiday.

Stop Walking On Eggshells is real eye opener, isn't it? What a great idea to listen to it since reading would be difficult.

And you're right, none of us here, in any of the threads, deserve to be treated so poorly. Especially by someone we love.

I'll also share that the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship was a real benefit to me. Sometimes going around and around trying to figure out if our partner is BPD or narcissistic or whatever can be confusing. The author of this book doesn't use any of these terms, she just VERY clearly describes what is verbal abuse and how it is not good or healthy.

For me, it was very easy to say "oh yea, she did that" or "yep, that's exactly how she responds to me".

For the thread poster- I'm so sorry you've experienced this. We have all been there or are there. Some days this forum is like a lifeline to me and helps me get clarity, little by little.

[Pensive1]

Welcome Forest22. As everyone else has noted, you're not alone.

One thing that helped me a lot is taking an online course in Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (the Happiness Trap course). It greatly eased my pain. It's also possible to just work through the Happiness Trap book or other books on ACT. I've also found Schema Therapy helpful, for understanding why I got into that relationship (people who get into a relationship with someone with BPD often have a strong self-sacrifice schema, codependent characteristics, etc.). One thing that has helped me with own pain is viewing this as an opportunity for growth.

Some of your story is very familiar. My relationship with my BPD ex was also very tumultuous, with a lot of emotional abuse. Then, after 25 years together, she split me black (in large part as a reaction to overwhelming stress, when her son became addicted to meth and homeless), and unexpectedly jumped to a new guy and dumped me.

In our case, she wanted to keep me around as a kind of platonic husband (while pursuing her affair with the new guy, who is married). I hung on for two years, hoping she would return to me, but then three months ago, I recognized it was time to move on, and I set boundaries for minimal contact. That (i.e., the loss of all the activities we were doing together, etc.) precipitated renewed depression (I recently filled out a survey and it rated me as very severely depressed). I'm taking the ACT course for a second time, am taking an antidepressant (at a low dose), am seeing a good therapist weekly, and have reached out to old friends.

When a relationship with a pwBPD ends, it's the loss of something extremely intense. And people with BPD often romanticize relationships, and can have childlike curiosity and other characteristics that make the loss of such a relationship uniquely painful, feeling almost like an amputation. And it's also difficult because the pwBPD can't/won't provide you with proper closure (because they.won't accept personal responsibility, can dissociate from feelings, will sometimes dissociate from memories, etc.).

I hope that time heals your wounds.

[Forest22]

Welcome Forest22. As everyone else has noted, you're not alone.

One thing that helped me a lot is taking an online course in Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (the Happiness Trap course). It greatly eased my pain. It's also possible to just work through the Happiness Trap book or other books on ACT. I've also found Schema Therapy helpful, for understanding why I got into that relationship (people who get into a relationship with someone with BPD often have a strong self-sacrifice schema, codependent characteristics, etc.). One thing that has helped me with own pain is viewing this as an opportunity for growth.

Hi Pensive1,

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Considering the amount of time you had with your partner, that entire ordeal must have been excruciatingly hard.

I find myself struggling a lot lately, going back and forth between acceptance and denial. Unfortunately, I broke no contact with my ex after a week and a half, telling her that I still care for her and seeking some closure. I understand this is a fool's errand, and am now dreading the response.

I will try to go through the ACT course you mentioned. I am finding it very difficult to mitigate the pain, which led me into the trap of breaking no contact, prolonging my inability to move forward. I have aquired 'Walking on Eggshells' which has helped me to catch some sleep. I will also look into Schema therapy, as I would like to get to the root of why I am bonded to such a situation.

Many thanks for sharing your story and providing some resources for recovery.

Happy new year to all

[Forest22]

Your post sounds so similar to my case.

Left for another person out of nowhere , sudden absolute hate from my ex out of nowhere.

I am 3 months into the breakup and often I still ruminate, I woke up this morning and it’s all I can think about and it makes me just so sad.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through but I also know deep down that this relationship was not sustainable as it was, I also know that I deserve more abc you deserve someone who loves you and fights for the relationship.

Hi Sophie,

That is exactly how I feel. The pain from this seperation feels worse than any grief I've experienced. The rumination is particularly bad for me in the evenings and mornings. My breakup has been dragged out over the past 2 months, but became real in the past 3 weeks, when my ex told me she had entered a new relationship.

We deserve better, and have to believe that something will open for us on the other side once we get through this, although from where I am, that can be hard to see through the endless cycle of pain.

[Pook075]

Hi Sophie,

That is exactly how I feel. The pain from this seperation feels worse than any grief I've experienced. The rumination is particularly bad for me in the evenings and mornings. My breakup has been dragged out over the past 2 months, but became real in the past 3 weeks, when my ex told me she had entered a new relationship.

We deserve better, and have to believe that something will open for us on the other side once we get through this, although from where I am, that can be hard to see through the endless cycle of pain.

I think what weighed on me the most the first few months of separation was the thinking that everything would work out if I just gave it time.  So in my mind, I just kept waiting for her to call or ask to come back, what I'd say in that situation, and how things would go once we were reunited.

It's good to have faith and hope, but at the same time it can feel like torment if we hang onto something that's clearly gone.  The relationship you had is over, it's never going to be that way again, and accepting that will allow you to grieve and move onto the next chapter of your life once you're ready.

There is something better for you on the other side of this, but at the same time you have to get out of your own way to move past the pain you currently feel.  She wasn't the one, it's really that simple, and there's probably nothing you could have done to make things turn out differently.  It may help to know that her current relationship will fail as well because the problem here is mental illness, she'll repeat these patterns until she decides to get help and change.

You're in my thoughts and prayers Forest.  Keep your head up...things will get better in time.

[Rev]

I think what weighed on me the most the first few months of separation was the thinking that everything would work out if I just gave it time.  So in my mind, I just kept waiting for her to call or ask to come back, what I'd say in that situation, and how things would go once we were reunited.

It's good to have faith and hope, but at the same time it can feel like torment if we hang onto something that's clearly gone.  The relationship you had is over, it's never going to be that way again, and accepting that will allow you to grieve and move onto the next chapter of your life once you're ready.

There is something better for you on the other side of this, but at the same time you have to get out of your own way to move past the pain you currently feel.  She wasn't the one, it's really that simple, and there's probably nothing you could have done to make things turn out differently.  It may help to know that her current relationship will fail as well because the problem here is mental illness, she'll repeat these patterns until she decides to get help and change.

You're in my thoughts and prayers Forest.  Keep your head up...things will get better in time.

Ditto .... ditto ..... ditto.

Rev

[Forest22]

It's good to have faith and hope, but at the same time it can feel like torment if we hang onto something that's clearly gone.  The relationship you had is over, it's never going to be that way again, and accepting that will allow you to grieve and move onto the next chapter of your life once you're ready.

You're in my thoughts and prayers Forest.  Keep your head up...things will get better in time.

Hi Pook,

I would like to share my experience over the past few weeks,

I got back in contact with my BPD(undiagnosed) ex. She had a lot of resentment towards me and sees me as the worst person in the world, however she asked me to see her. I had seen on her whatsapp profile picture that she is in a new relationship, she confirmed this. This was extremely difficult to deal with, nevertheless, she asked me to see her at her place. After being told not to touch her, there was some intimacy. I'm aware that I am enabling her to cheat on this new person. She told me she was unsure of this person, not that it justifies what happened. I stayed the night, and she regret what had happened. I had gone to see her several times over the past 2 weeks, and the same pattern would repeat itself which is as follows. We share a nice evening together as if we were friends, I stay the night, and in the morning, she lets me know that she cannot forgive me, and she we could be friends. I reject her proposal, leave, and a few hours later, she texts me telling me she didn't mean what she said, and she doesn't want me to move on. She's considering getting back together with me. I took her to an expensive hotel as a treat, I gave her money so she could fly back to France to see her parents during her upcoming holidays in Feb. Foolishy, she told me doing so would show I care.

I am ashamed to say this, but she made me contact my mother to tell her how much she hates her, calling her a b***h for how she had previously spoken to her. She said I would have to do this if we were to get back together, and in the case we do, I would have to make a choice between my family and her. I told her I would choose her.

The cycle ended tonight. On Wednesday, she told me that she is considering getting back together again, and shared some memories we had of a recent vacation. She asked if I could come over on Thursday or Friday, and for me to send her endearing messages throughout the work day. I did, and she did not respond. She didn't respond till about 8pm that evening, where she sent me a picture of some flowers she had bought for herself. On Thursday, I asked her around 1pm if I was seeing her later tonight. She didn't respond till about 7pm, letting me know that she was busy and had to work overtime. I said that's no problem. On Friday, I didnt say anything till around 5pm, I asked her what was happening, as she said we could meet, and if everything was ok. She replied an hour later saying that she needed to be alone. On Saturday, she asked me if I had gone to collect something she had forgotten at the hotel, it was quite a distance, but I went to collect it for her. Then today, after radio silence, I asked her if there was any chance of us getting back together, and I was confused. She replied that she no longer loves me, and doesn't see me as father material after what I have done to her. She said that I have put her through hell, and her life is much better now that I am not in it. She said she did think about getting back together and it's not possible. She offered friendship, which I rejected.  She told me she was grieving an abortion that we had gone through together recently (something I don't think i had mentioned). I told her I am finding this difficult too. She told me to go to hell, and that she is blocking me for good, which she did.

So, in summary I didn't listen to advice I receieved her, from friends or family. I was given breadcrumbs of hope which I latched onto, only to be left broken and discarded far worse than before. I'm still in a state of shock and confusion, as i truly believed there was a chance to rebuild things, and start something new. I have become the perpetrator, and she has put all responsbility of what happened on me, the abuse was due to my actions, and she's not really an abusive person, I bring this out in her, therefore she is better with someone else.

I need some support regarding the guilt and grief this has led to, any advice would be much appreciated.

Many thanks

[jaded7]

Hi Pook,

I would like to share my experience over the past few weeks,

I got back in contact with my BPD(undiagnosed) ex. She had a lot of resentment towards me and sees me as the worst person in the world, however she asked me to see her. I had seen on her whatsapp profile picture that she is in a new relationship, she confirmed this. This was extremely difficult to deal with, nevertheless, she asked me to see her at her place. After being told not to touch her, there was some intimacy. I'm aware that I am enabling her to cheat on this new person. She told me she was unsure of this person, not that it justifies what happened. I stayed the night, and she regret what had happened. I had gone to see her several times over the past 2 weeks, and the same pattern would repeat itself which is as follows. We share a nice evening together as if we were friends, I stay the night, and in the morning, she lets me know that she cannot forgive me, and she we could be friends. I reject her proposal, leave, and a few hours later, she texts me telling me she didn't mean what she said, and she doesn't want me to move on. She's considering getting back together with me. I took her to an expensive hotel as a treat, I gave her money so she could fly back to France to see her parents during her upcoming holidays in Feb. Foolishy, she told me doing so would show I care.

I am ashamed to say this, but she made me contact my mother to tell her how much she hates her, calling her a b***h for how she had previously spoken to her. She said I would have to do this if we were to get back together, and in the case we do, I would have to make a choice between my family and her. I told her I would choose her.

The cycle ended tonight. On Wednesday, she told me that she is considering getting back together again, and shared some memories we had of a recent vacation. She asked if I could come over on Thursday or Friday, and for me to send her endearing messages throughout the work day. I did, and she did not respond. She didn't respond till about 8pm that evening, where she sent me a picture of some flowers she had bought for herself. On Thursday, I asked her around 1pm if I was seeing her later tonight. She didn't respond till about 7pm, letting me know that she was busy and had to work overtime. I said that's no problem. On Friday, I didnt say anything till around 5pm, I asked her what was happening, as she said we could meet, and if everything was ok. She replied an hour later saying that she needed to be alone. On Saturday, she asked me if I had gone to collect something she had forgotten at the hotel, it was quite a distance, but I went to collect it for her. Then today, after radio silence, I asked her if there was any chance of us getting back together, and I was confused. She replied that she no longer loves me, and doesn't see me as father material after what I have done to her. She said that I have put her through hell, and her life is much better now that I am not in it. She said she did think about getting back together and it's not possible. She offered friendship, which I rejected.  She told me she was grieving an abortion that we had gone through together recently (something I don't think i had mentioned). I told her I am finding this difficult too. She told me to go to hell, and that she is blocking me for good, which she did.

So, in summary I didn't listen to advice I receieved her, from friends or family. I was given breadcrumbs of hope which I latched onto, only to be left broken and discarded far worse than before. I'm still in a state of shock and confusion, as i truly believed there was a chance to rebuild things, and start something new. I have become the perpetrator, and she has put all responsbility of what happened on me, the abuse was due to my actions, and she's not really an abusive person, I bring this out in her, therefore she is better with someone else.

I need some support regarding the guilt and grief this has led to, any advice would be much appreciated.

Many thanks

Oh my gosh Forest. This is brutal, and so, so, so unfair to you.

They are very good at making us feel guilt, and making us feel like we caused them to treat us so badly, and therefore we are bad people. I know this all too well.

It's not true.

But we need to accept that we are good people, and this treatment is not acceptable. Especially the stringing along over the last few days. I know how painful it is to wonder what the heck is going on, going over and over again what she said was going to happen, and trying to see if you understood it right. Being afraid to text or call and getting in trouble when you have it 'wrong'.

She was actively manipulating you over the last few days and weeks. Testing you, for some reason. This is absolutely a horrible way to treat a fellow human being. You know that. Telling you that if you pay for a trip to France it will show you care? Outright manipulative abuse. Telling you to tell your Mom off? Outright manipulative abuse. Both are nearly sociopathic if you ask me.

I think they enjoy controlling others, and it makes them feel powerful. My ex yelled at me for 'canceling events and ruining an entire summer", which I didn't do. I attended every event she asked me to. She harasses me and called me a child, kept on me...so we made a shared Google calendar for the next summer, together. She cancelled the first and second events last second, not taking into consideration that I may have pushed off other important things to be free. The third even was a weekend at my place......she seemed to 'forget'. She was supposed to come over on Friday---it was on the calendar----didnt'. Didn't come over Saturday morning. Saturday night came over and watched a movie, then began to go home. I asked her why she's going home, it's on the calendar. She exploded at me. She first said "I didn't see it", which I pointed out was absurd since she lived by her Google calendar. Then she said "I thought it was only during the day", which is absurd since she never came over during the day Friday or Saturday. Then later, in great anger...

"I just wanted to see if you'd do it!!"

My point, I think they like to see if they can control us.

I'm sorry your feeling this tonight, I just wanted to make sure you didn't feel alone and someone is here who understands.

[Pook075]

So, in summary I didn't listen to advice I receieved her, from friends or family. I was given breadcrumbs of hope which I latched onto, only to be left broken and discarded far worse than before. I'm still in a state of shock and confusion, as i truly believed there was a chance to rebuild things, and start something new. I have become the perpetrator, and she has put all responsbility of what happened on me, the abuse was due to my actions, and she's not really an abusive person, I bring this out in her, therefore she is better with someone else.

I need some support regarding the guilt and grief this has led to, any advice would be much appreciated.

I'm so sorry, that's a brutal turn of events and I wish you would have updated us before spending all of that money.  I agree with Jaded that it was manipulation while she figured out what she wanted.  You didn't deserve that at all.

What can we do to help?

[Forest22]

I think they enjoy controlling others, and it makes them feel powerful. My ex yelled at me for 'canceling events and ruining an entire summer", which I didn't do. I attended every event she asked me to. She harasses me and called me a child, kept on me...so we made a shared Google calendar for the next summer, together. She cancelled the first and second events last second, not taking into consideration that I may have pushed off other important things to be free. The third even was a weekend at my place......she seemed to 'forget'. She was supposed to come over on Friday---it was on the calendar----didnt'. Didn't come over Saturday morning. Saturday night came over and watched a movie, then began to go home. I asked her why she's going home, it's on the calendar. She exploded at me. She first said "I didn't see it", which I pointed out was absurd since she lived by her Google calendar. Then she said "I thought it was only during the day", which is absurd since she never came over during the day Friday or Saturday. Then later, in great anger...

That sounds very similar to many things I have experienced with my ex in the past...
The thing is, I'm aware that going back into a relationship with my ex (seems impossible anyway) would have these cycles continue. Yet even now, I still wish to. When I read back what I posted, particularly regarding the money and the messages to my mom, I realise how low I have stooped. From an outside perspective, I would be shocked and mortified at hearing someone doing this. If i were to explain it, I would say it was from pure desperation. There have been instances in the past where she had asked me for money, and it had solved things. Perhaps this also played a role, as ridiculous as that sounds. And even now, I am hoping for a message from her that she has changed her mind, and didn't mean what she said regarding her feelings, offering me another chance...

The dynamic has completely shifted, as originally, I had broken up with her. She had cheated on me with her ex partner, and would continue to talk to other men when she felt she was deprived of love. This was very difficult, but I knew I had to end things. Now I yearn for her back.

What I would like to ask is. How did you eventually manage to detach from your ex? I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I had an appointment to see a therapist on Saturday, however I cancelled as I thought there was a possibility of meeting her. I also turned a blind eye to resources such as this and just put my efforts entirely into winning her back. I've looked into some resources and I find reading other stories helps when things become a bit too much. I'm commited this time to not contacting my ex, but if she were to contact me I want to answer.

Thank you for your responses as that helps more than anything. I just wanted to talk to someone, as it's difficult to talk about this with friends and family.

[Pook075]

What I would like to ask is. How did you eventually manage to detach from your ex?

For me, it was getting busy with life- despite feeling devastated inside.  I got back in church and I also volunteered for prison ministry, which has been eye opening and very rewarding.  I also travelled a decent bit at first visiting friends/family in other areas.  I even got in a 7-day cruise out of Miami with my best friend from childhood...and we felt like teenagers all over again

Did I do everything you're doing now?  Absolutely.  I begged.  I pleaded.  I made big romantic gestures.  But it was all for naught since she made up her mind and it was over.

I know how badly you want her back.  But you have to accept that this round of the relationship is over.  Maybe something else happens and you reconcile months or years down the road- who knows?  You won't be who you are right now though, you'll have healed and be able to see things more clearly.

Right now, it's time to be you again.  And trust me when I say this, you've been through so much trauma that you probably can't fully remember who the real you is. So get out there and do you, whatever that is.  If you can't figure that out right now, then focus on fitness and start walking trails or biking once the weather warms up.  For now, hit a gym and get in a good sweat- sweat/exercise has proven mental benefits as well as physical.

We're rooting for you, my friend!  Just keep talking this out and you'll get there!

[jaded7]

The dynamic has completely shifted, as originally, I had broken up with her. She had cheated on me with her ex partner, and would continue to talk to other men when she felt she was deprived of love. This was very difficult, but I knew I had to end things. Now I yearn for her back.

What I would like to ask is. How did you eventually manage to detach from your ex? I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I had an appointment to see a therapist on Saturday, however I cancelled as I thought there was a possibility of meeting her. I also turned a blind eye to resources such as this and just put my efforts entirely into winning her back. I've looked into some resources and I find reading other stories helps when things become a bit too much. I'm commited this time to not contacting my ex, but if she were to contact me I want to answer.

I know the feeling. Most here would say it's the trauma bond, please read up on that if you haven't. There are a number of pretty good, highly trained therapists online that talk about this.

I myself have a hard time understanding the trauma bond, but recognize the effects of it on me.

For me, the attachment is the thing. Deep, powerful attachment to her. That attachment has been shattered and it causes a great deal of pain. Our attachment is profoundly influenced by our upbringing and our relationships with our parents- how they loved (or didn't love) us, how safe we felt growing up, how seen/heard we felt.

I know in my case this is a huge part of my suffering and missing her.