Deep connection lost = depth of grief?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

For the last 7 months, this is the one place I know I won't feel alone, so I'm looking forward to your replies.

If there's one thing I know for sure about myself is that I need to fully understand certain things before I can move forward from it.  There's a scientist somewhere inside me for sure, .

Today I have more good days than bad, so I am grateful for the healing that I couldn't believe would ever show its light just months ago.  However, I do continue to struggle greatly with feeling completely alone.  I have a good job and decent friends at work.  I keep myself social and busy in lots of ways including volunteer work, friend outings, the gym, and even dating again here and there.  I have no siblings or children, and my one parent has been quite near the end of life for some time now.  I work very hard to keep the sadness at bay, but it follows me heavily.  Once my parent passes I know my grief will sink even deeper, especially since I don't really have a support system that is of the deep/intimate level I would like.  Many of the people I know are truly wonderful, but lean toward: surfacy conversations, self absorption, and act like if they shed or tear they would implode.  I realize that my biggest problem is not having a deep connection with another person, and I don't want to need to be in another relationship to have that void filled.  I'm working hard to be "okay" all on my own so I can be solid when the right person enters my hemisphere.  I've gotten over not having an "ICE" contact, but I do miss the daily check-ins and contact with someone who I believed thought about me all day and would be distraught without me in their world.  We all want and deserve to feel that important to someone.  It's tough to go through days and holidays and wonder if you would be missed if you were gone.  I felt treasured for some time in that illusion of a relationship.  I fully believe that I can and will feel treasure again, FOR REAL in the future…but for now I just want to be able to fully and completely treasure myself, all on my own, without needing someone to make me feel like life is worth living.

I DO NOT miss my uPDh.  I've expressed on many a thread here that I have only forgiveness and compassion for myself, not someone who has inflicted such sick cruelty upon my soul and callousness toward my pain.  I DO deeply grieve the loss of the deep connection I thought we had.  I deeply grieve the depth of humanity, consciousness, and empathy I know for certain now that he does NOT possess.  So here I am, quite alone and it SUCKS.  I've reached an absolute DO or DIE crossroads in my life.  I have spent my entire life fixated on the needs of others, refraining from bouts of joy in my own world in order to fulfill someone else's.  

So now I have no one else but me to take of and I can't believe how difficult that is to DO.

Can you relate?

[Hope0807]

For the last 7 months, this is the one place I know I won't feel alone, so I'm looking forward to your replies.

If there's one thing I know for sure about myself is that I need to fully understand certain things before I can move forward from it.  There's a scientist somewhere inside me for sure, .

Today I have more good days than bad, so I am grateful for the healing that I couldn't believe would ever show its light just months ago.  However, I do continue to struggle greatly with feeling completely alone.  I have a good job and decent friends at work.  I keep myself social and busy in lots of ways including volunteer work, friend outings, the gym, and even dating again here and there.  I have no siblings or children, and my one parent has been quite near the end of life for some time now.  I work very hard to keep the sadness at bay, but it follows me heavily.  Once my parent passes I know my grief will sink even deeper, especially since I don't really have a support system that is of the deep/intimate level I would like.  Many of the people I know are truly wonderful, but lean toward: surfacy conversations, self absorption, and act like if they shed or tear they would implode.  I realize that my biggest problem is not having a deep connection with another person, and I don't want to need to be in another relationship to have that void filled.  I'm working hard to be "okay" all on my own so I can be solid when the right person enters my hemisphere.  I've gotten over not having an "ICE" contact, but I do miss the daily check-ins and contact with someone who I believed thought about me all day and would be distraught without me in their world.  We all want and deserve to feel that important to someone.  It's tough to go through days and holidays and wonder if you would be missed if you were gone.  I felt treasured for some time in that illusion of a relationship.  I fully believe that I can and will feel treasure again, FOR REAL in the future…but for now I just want to be able to fully and completely treasure myself, all on my own, without needing someone to make me feel like life is worth living.

I DO NOT miss my uPDh.  I've expressed on many a thread here that I have only forgiveness and compassion for myself, not someone who has inflicted such sick cruelty upon my soul and callousness toward my pain.  I DO deeply grieve the loss of the deep connection I thought we had.  I deeply grieve the depth of humanity, consciousness, and empathy I know for certain now that he does NOT possess.  So here I am, quite alone and it SUCKS.  I've reached an absolute DO or DIE crossroads in my life.  I have spent my entire life fixated on the needs of others, refraining from bouts of joy in my own world in order to fulfill someone else's.  

So now I have no one else but me to take of and I can't believe how difficult that is to DO.

Can you relate?

[Mutt]

There's a scientist somewhere inside me for sure, .

You could very well be.

Have you taken the Myers-Briggs test?

Do you mean you're the caretaker type and not taking care of someone is triggering feelings of loneliness?

[Tibbles]

Hi Hope0807. I can relate to what you are saying. I have spent the last 4 months really working on "It's OK to be alone" and you are right, it sucks. But when I think of the alternative - going back with the ex, even though it's not an option,  I know being alone is better. I use a lot of positive affirmation stuff - I'll see an elderly couple walking hand in hand and that used to really tear me up but now I go - I would like that but I don't have it and that is OK. It's OK to be alone. Sometimes that sort of thinking helps and sometimes it doesn't but that's the sort of thinking I am trying to make a habit - positive thoughts rather than thoughts of loss and what I don't have. It's a work in progress, !

I get what you say about fixating on the needs of others. I'm only just starting to learn about my own needs and it feels weird and good at the same time. I am visiting my ill parents - I am also looking at loosing both my Mum and Dad in the near future - a horrible bridge to cross - and decided I wanted to watch my footy team play. It felt weird deciding that was important to me. I took myself and my Dad to the local RSL and watched the game on the big screen. My Dad left early as he is very weak and I stayed - again felt weird but good to do this for me. I decided I was going to have a good time and I did. I had a great time by myself, drank a few wines, cheered my team on. Helped I was on the other side of the country and NO-ONE I knew would see me. Having fun by myself feels weird and good at the same time.

I'm working hard on being "solid" as you put it, ( I liked the way you put it)  so when and if some one special comes along I can meet them as a whole person, content in their own skin who can be in a healthy relationship. But you are right it is hard. It is lonely and I am working on being OK with being lonely. Ironically one of the big issues I had with my ex was I was never alone, he worked from home, I had to spend every second of my time with him, it drove me insane. Now I sure have enough alone time. Funny how life turns out.

[Suzn]

Many of the people I know are truly wonderful, but lean toward: surfacy conversations, self absorption, and act like if they shed or tear they would implode.

Hope have you shown any vulnerability with any of these people? What would happen if you did?

[Left broken and confused]

I have a lot of people around me all the time but still have a deep loneliness. I work, have children and great friends but nothing fills the void I have. I spend a lot of time thinking both about the good times and the bad. I know my life is better off without him but I still miss him so much. Normal every day things I loved to do like cooking, cleaning and the gym are now hard for me to do. Everything seems to bring me back to him. I wish there was a memory eraser and I could forget the last 4 years.

[once removed]

ive always preferred to think of it as, "youre not alone, youre on your own." big difference 

[Hope0807]

Thanks Suzn,

Absolutely I have shown vulnerability.  My friends all have either or a combination of:  growing families, busy lives, and enough drama of their own.  Most glaring is that the vast majority of the people in my life do not themselves ever go to that place of vulnerability.  I have learned that once I have allowed myself to be vulnerable a few times and realize that person will not EVER share their own vulnerabilities…I shut it down on my end…the best relationships can be summed up with the 3-year old adage "show me yours, I'll show you mine"  ... .since and time and time again I have found people too often take great pride in siphoning other people's woes to make themselves feel stronger.  I think we all know people who seem genuine in a moment to ask what's going on in our lives, only to use a springboard back to themselves, not really caring about you, and definitely using whatever you just expressed as opportunity for them to somehow let you know in one way or another that their situation is so much better than yours.  And even some tend to talk about you, or view you secretly as either "too sensitive", "too emotional" or simply "feel so bad" for you.  I'm not a charity case and don't care to feel like one amongst people I consider friends but know darn well their lives are far from perfect and it wouldn't kill them to stop pretending so hard sometimes.

I am viewed as one of the strongest personalities in my professional setting and understand that a sense of time and place is crucial in life…but I do NOT feel that stoicism or a Honky-Dory smile in place of the wretched sadness inside always proves strength... .I believe that our vulnerability shows our depth of spirit and strength within that soul the very most.

Simply stated…others just don't go there.  I do.  I know people who will gossip about others or even celebrities for hours before they dare shed a tear or a tidbit about the reality in their worlds.  I guess I crave a deep connection that I know a lot of people who have daily/close ties with their families don't even have. 

Many of the people I know are truly wonderful, but lean toward: surfacy conversations, self absorption, and act like if they shed or tear they would implode.

Hope have you shown any vulnerability with any of these people? What would happen if you did?

[Hope0807]

 

ive always preferred to think of it as, "youre not alone, youre on your own." big difference 

[Hope0807]

Hey Mutt,

Yes, and kind of.  Recognizing my own single parent's uBPD just this past year, I've come to understand that I was forced into a caretaker role as a small child, long before I was ever able to fully explore my own core values and cultivate a pure sense of joy (as any child has a right to) within myself.  As a young person with no idea what was wrong with my ultra "odd" mother, I spent decades trying to have positive experiences and due to her intensely, constant negative pull…I wished she would just go away.  Literally, for years my self talk revolved around how much calmer and better my life would be without her.  It was exhausting, confusing, and a non-stop vortex.  Today, her BPD illness completely clear to me, as she lays bed bound and quite near death with other ailments, I spend countless hours with her, wishing she wouldn't go.  For now, she's all I have.  The irony is beyond painful.

So now, after the fallout of having spent 7 years with someone whose BPD/ASPD sucked me dry of every bit of what makes me whole…yes, I guess you can say that having no one else except for me to care for is helping to trigger my loneliness.  I spent years with my ex praying for peace, some spare time, another chance to explore the things that make my heart soar.

My greatest hope is that I will find a way to be triggered into peace and optimism about both my present state of alone and the possibility for the RIGHT companion in the future. 

Briggs test…nope.  Thanks for listening:)

There's a scientist somewhere inside me for sure, .

You could very well be.

Have you taken the Myers-Briggs test?

Do you mean you're the caretaker type and not taking care of someone is triggering feelings of loneliness?

[Hope0807]

Thanks LB&C,

I am must admit that I am VERY grateful to be far, far away from missing mine.  I remember those feelings well.  I thought they would never stop.  That "memory eraser" thing is another thing I think so many of us survivors share.  I guess the closest I've personally come to it is the insane amount of education I've given myself in understanding personality disorders…and especially the more dangerous ones.  For me, I've arrived at a place one year after the fallout... .where this time last year I had no idea how my life could continue without him…to now, knowing that my ex is beyond a mess that I could have NEVER fixed.  I tried to fix "OUR" world not knowing that HE was the cause of it being so messy in the first place.  I'll spare the gory details of cruelty and callousness, but in short, I no longer miss someone who was never capable of being a true partner in life, of helping me to celebrate the strength of spirit that makes me whole in this world.  I don't miss my ex, I miss the part of me I gave away and the years of dreams lost.  So for me, not yet fully erased, but much less visible and grateful as hell for that.  I don't miss anyone who doesn't miss me or whom I realized never treasured, just used me in the first place.

I have a lot of people around me all the time but still have a deep loneliness. I work, have children and great friends but nothing fills the void I have. I spend a lot of time thinking both about the good times and the bad. I know my life is better off without him but I still miss him so much. Normal every day things I loved to do like cooking, cleaning and the gym are now hard for me to do. Everything seems to bring me back to him. I wish there was a memory eraser and I could forget the last 4 years.

[billypilgrim]

 I have spent my entire life fixated on the needs of others, refraining from bouts of joy in my own world in order to fulfill someone else's.  

So now I have no one else but me to take of and I can't believe how difficult that is to DO.

Can you relate?

100%  For a while now I've been battling feelings of unworthiness and pointlessness.  So much of my self worth was wrapped up in taking care of her and providing her happiness that I felt completely lost when she just tossed me aside like I was nothing.  I know there's nothing healthy about either side of that dynamic - her side in needing me and my side of needing her to need me.  We danced that dance for 6 years and it became my norm.    

Just the other day I noticed how quiet my phone was at work.  She would text or call constantly throughout the day.  Now, it's crickets.  She doesn't need me anymore and I'm definitely happy about that, it's just a big a adjustment.  Like you, I don't miss my ex or want her back.  I want nothing to do with her.  I got nice a reminder of just how taxing and exhausting she can be on Monday of this week.  The final piece of our separation agreement is her getting her car out of my name.  This is been on her for 5 months and I'm not sure what but something prompted her to finally do something about it last week.  But regardless, on Thursday of last week, we agree on the notary location and such - Monday, 11:30, notary by my office.  I can't wait.  She is to drop off the title in the morning, I'll swing by and sign later and that's it.  :)one.  Monday rolls around and I have an e-mail in my inbox reminding me to sign.  I roll my eyes - thanks mom - and I don't respond.  11:30 rolls around and I go sign everything, done by 11:45.  I go to respond to her reminder e-mail and I have another e-mail waiting in my inbox asking if I had signed yet.  It's been 15 minutes since the appointment.  She waits 5 months to do this and 15 minutes isn't long enough for me to sign?  I roll my eyes again and just respond ":)one."  30 minutes later I get a text "Have you signed yet?" Third eye roll.  I respond, "I responded to your e-mail already."  Then nothing.  Quiet.  And I get the peace of mind knowing that there's nothing holding us together anymore aside from being officially divorced.  Peace.  This little episode set me back a bit, it reminded me of the dynamic in our relationship.  Her constant needing/nagging.  Her constant texting or calling, with an air of entitlement, as if it was expected of me to do everything she asked, always.  So I was triggered a bit in dealing with her.  But I think it was a good experience for me.  Getting reminded of just how difficult and exhausting something as simple as signing a piece of paper can be.

So I get what you are saying.  You don't want them back but yet you also feel empty.  Maybe even listless as you look around for a purpose.  You don't really know how to take care of yourself but you are sad that there's no one around to take care of you.  It's like you had this underlying or subconscious belief that just maybe, if you do your best to take care of this person, they might eventually return the favor. That never happened so you just adjusted and got self worth from making them happy.  And now they're gone.  And there's a huge void, which is probably why you feel like you are very empty but yet you don't want your ex back.  It's not about your ex anymore, it's about you.  I think the most important things you can do right now is be easy on yourself and listen to yourself.  What is it that you are trying to tell yourself?  Listen and see where you take you.  And don't be overly critical or self defeating with yourself, easier said than done I know but if you can find a way to lighten up on yourself, you'll start to feel a lot better about things.