The Spell Has Been Broken

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am SO thankful to have found this site.  Ended it with UxBPDbf in December 2014.  Understood intellectually that I didn't want to be with him, couldn't be with him.  But emotionally was having a terrible time ending it inside.  It was so darn confusing.  I felt like I had been brainwashed.  I needed a context and understanding that would help me make sense of what the heck had happened.  I found this site yesterday and just about EVERYTHING in the first article I read resonated (unlike other sites on my quest for understanding). Now I know what was going on - BPD - and so the spell has been broken.  While I wish it had been different and/or had been the dream-come-true I thought it was, the REALITY remains that it wasn't, it isn't, and it never will be.  The fantasy is gone.  Wishful thinking is gone.  Hope is gone.  I've got my life back.  The spell has been broken. 

THANK YOU!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I am SO thankful to have found this site.  Ended it with UxBPDbf in December 2014.  Understood intellectually that I didn't want to be with him, couldn't be with him.  But emotionally was having a terrible time ending it inside.  It was so darn confusing.  I felt like I had been brainwashed.  I needed a context and understanding that would help me make sense of what the heck had happened.  I found this site yesterday and just about EVERYTHING in the first article I read resonated (unlike other sites on my quest for understanding). Now I know what was going on - BPD - and so the spell has been broken.  While I wish it had been different and/or had been the dream-come-true I thought it was, the REALITY remains that it wasn't, it isn't, and it never will be.  The fantasy is gone.  Wishful thinking is gone.  Hope is gone.  I've got my life back.  The spell has been broken. 

THANK YOU!

[Mutt]

Hi ReclaimingMyLife,



Good to hear!

I spent many years feeling confused, frustrated, feeling isolated because people in real life couldn't understand my exes distortions when I was trying to explain what I'm going through. It's mental illness and they weren't in it.

The context for me was finding out what's true, what is fact from fantasy and how my experience was not something unique.

It was borderline personality disorder.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thanks, Mutt! 

I am so relieved.  At this moment, I am not sad.  I am not mad.  It wasn't personal.  He was just doing what BPD people do.  Crummy though much of it was, that is the reality. 

Now, in hindsight, I have ENORMOUS empathy for a girlfriend who went through this for YEARS with her husband (still does as her xBPDh).  Her situation was so intense and was every darn day for so long.  I see how much damage my 8 month stint did with a bf who wasn't involved in every area of my life (never met my kids or family) so hard to imagine the impact of living with that all day every day for an extended period of time.  Her other friends and I were clueless as to the reality and the impact.  I am sure she felt very alone.  Seems like the question of "is this mental illness?" needs to become a standard question asked early on. 

[Mutt]

Seems like the question of "is this mental illness?" needs to become a standard question asked early on. 

I thought I was the problem when she would alter reality and mental illness didn't come to mind. My ex partner would change details often and say I wasn't sympathetic and listening.

What I know now is trust your instincts.

A person that changes reality often is a sign of mental illness.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

My ex GF often joked that her whole family was nuts and that she was mentally whacked.

Sometimes, when you least expect it, they will say something truthful

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Indeed, Mr. Downtrodden! 

Culturally, we do such a bad job with mental illness.  It just occurred to me that as I raise my children, I need to be educating them about issues of mental health.  Like, duh!  I talk to them about their own mental health and well being, but never once has it crossed my mind to talk to them about mental illness, what the different types are, what they look like, what to pay attention to and how to trust themselves when their internal reality isn't matching up with what their partner (friend/co-worker, etc) is saying or doing.  Instead of having good information about these issues in advance which would enable us to say "yeah, that is a problem and I am not going there," we inevitably question ourselves, think we are the problem and/or think we can move some mountain to make it better.

Kids need sex ed, dating ed, physical health and MENTAL HEALTH ED!  Does such a program already exist?

Seems like, duh, now that I think about it.  But I never have thought of this before!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Just had another thought... .that probably only kids who have to deal with mental illness in their family get much education about this (and not always then), but because it is such a taboo subject that then the kids feel alone with it, like they are the only one, or that it is their fault, or should be able to do something.  In a way that a kid would never think that a parent with cancer was their fault. 

Seems like serious education about mental illness would benefit all - those living in the midst of it and for the rest to know what to look out for.