Return to parent

[Ourworld]

I’m wondering if my daughter (now 38) with silent BPD will ever contact me after 11 years of blocking?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  I have no advise but...i am so sorry....I am going on a year now of NO contact with my 24 y/o BPD daughter and find THAT unbelievable!  (she texts sometimes) AND my non BPD (or is it BPD, who the heck knows?) son cut off ties because he wants no contact with his daughter (my granddaughter) so, that has been 6 years!  at this point in my life, I feel like adults/family, in general, feel like people are disposable and that in itself, is a sad testament...again, I am very sorry you are going through this

[Maggie EF]

I have had no contact for 14 months with uD17, and we live in the same house! It is the worst, and my husband supports it.

[Ourworld]

Thanks for trying to help me, this site is wonderful and I’m glad I found it!
First I want to say that my daughter is a high-functioning, silent uBPD and did not show signs until she was 15-16, and at that time I thought it was because she was a teenager. But when she went off to college just before she turned 17 in October, she had back-to-back traumas that began immediately! She even got pregnant and gave up her baby for adoption.

Her father had completely abandoned us in 1997, then (I never told her because she did not seem to care) 3 years later I was told that he had died in a car accident.
I worked civil service and in 2010 I took a position with the AF in Germany. She had graduated from college and no longer required my financial support, so while over there I traveled in Germany and Europe extensively, I sent her gifts, postcards, and wrote her emails (but she never responded to anything). Apparently, someone helped me realize that she felt abandoned, so that when I came back at the end of 2012, that was when she told me she was completely cutting off all communication with me. She had married a guy with serious mental health issues (PTSD, depression, and Schizophrenia).

This is what I have decided: We were very close and I know how much she loved and respected me. I believe that as she saw herself sinking into this illness, that she was not only embarrassed, but also knew that it was not something she wanted me to have to deal with.
I say this because of how she and I had related and when she was giving up the baby (totally her choice), when I told her she did not have to, she said, “I need to complete school and it would not be fair to you”.

So, as much as I miss her, after reading about these dear parents dealing with so much suffering of their child, I see it as a blessing in disguise.

Her husband went into Psychosis last February and she finally left in July, and unbelievably he had the presence of mind to go to the ER and get taken to a VA psych ward in the nearby city and is receiving proper treatment! He and I still communicate, and he has told me some of the ways she acted. He has a brain injury now, but he is well-medicated and fairly clear-headed.
He said she had already been researching her issues, and told him that she was going to find herself again and no one was going to take that away (I know that she meant all the bad choices she made to be around people who abused her-not me).

I hope and believe that once she feels truly healed of being controlled by this illness, that she will contact me again.
She has maintained her job through all this, and my brother and SIL have helped her, with the initial move and financially (thank goodness!). She also has my Son-in-law’s military insurance available.

Thank you friends!

[Ourworld]

I meant that she went to college at age 17 and before she turned 18 on October 3rd, her first trauma had occurred when she was date-raped.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi ourworld-

I’ve just read through this post and as I’m understanding, you stated that your ex-husband abandoned you and your daughter in 1997, and then he sadly passed away 3 years later (in 2000).  You also state that you “never told your daughter”… of his passing.  When (at what age) did she learn that he had passed, and who told her?

It would seem that your daughter’s first impactful trauma likely took place when her father left.  Would she have been about 11-12 years old at the time?  And then 14-15 when her father passed?  I’m just wondering about the timing (and her behavior changes) because even with her dad’s leaving the home, she may have held out hope in her young mind that she would reunite with him in the future.  And upon learning that he was permanently gone, that hope would be gone forever. 

Then shortly thereafter your dear daughter faces the horrible sexual assault in college.  Then (not sure of the timing) - her unplanned pregnancy and putting up her child for adoption. 

All of these things individually all a lot.  Together these events would have an enormous impact on a young girl/very young adult.

I’m not sure what you mean when you refer to your D as “silent BD”.. can you please explain?  Does that mean she holds all her feelings and thoughts to herself?

It must have been very difficult for her to complete her education and then maintain stable employment, while caring for an emotionally unstable husband for so many years.  Your daughter does seem to have some level of very admirable internal strength, drive and will to succeed.

I obviously don’t know what efforts you’ve made over the last 11 years to initiate contact with your daughter.  You may have addressed those efforts in another post and I apologize if I missed that. 

However,  I’m wondering what steps you believe may be needed from your end to help her feel more comfortable to walk through the door toward you.  Do you believe that perhaps if you were to work with a therapist who understands BPD behavior, that she/he could possibly assist you in creating a more comfortable path toward you?

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Ourworld]

Hi Gems,

I truly appreciate your reply. My husband left when my daughter was 11, she was an honors student at a private school, but the school was predominately Assembly of God and we went to Baptist church. As she became a little older they began trying to push their religion on her, this upset her  so I ended up putting her in the public school system of our small town. We had also moved after my husband left from a large house to a small duplex.

She began behaving bad when we moved back to Texas to be near my mom and family hen she was 15 in the year 2000. I attributed her behavior to her age, her grades greatly declined and I never thought it had anything to do with the way her dad left. Yes, she held her feelings in and although I thought we were close, I have found out from her husband, who is now being treated through the VA, there were a lot of things she never told me.
He went into psychosis last year in February and she left him in July and has blocked him. We have no idea where she is at anymore, she has since moved from the place my brother moved and has contacted no one.

Before I at least had her address and would send her cards and notes of encouragement. I have no way to reach her anymore. I have at least tried to let my brother and sister know about her mental state, but they too have lost contact with her.

In September of 2003 she began college, went a party with someone from a sports team where she was date-raped at 17 ( her bday is October 3rd). She met her first true love and he walked with her through the process of getting the rapist removed from the university. Of course I supported her as much as possible, but was in different city. She moved in with this boyfriend in May of 2004, but he called her in November that year that he was bringing another girl home. She called me and I went to the town where she was right away where we went to a hotel. To complicate matters, she was in classes, fortunately she knew someone that could possibly help, so we met the parent and made arrangements for her stay there a few weeks to complete her classes. Then I went and got her to come back home with me, she had her own car.
By January of 2006 she said she was ok to go back to a different university, I went with her to stay in some apartments there. She became pregnant that May of 2006.

I had brought her back home with me, not knowing she was pregnant. She told me shortly after we got home; she said “I got pregnant by a guy I was giving a ride home after a party. I went to a clinic for verification and have decided to give the baby up for adoption so I can complete my degree.”

So, those were her back-to-back traumas that I spoke of.
After the baby was born and given up for adoption, she told me she needed some counseling. I arranged it and was even giving the copay each week, but I realize now that I am not sure she went.

She took some mostly online classes at the community college nearby to increase her GPA she said. Then she wanted to go to another university, where she did complete her degree with honors.
In this college town was when she married, in secret from all of her family and friends, while I was in Germany in 2011.

I agree that I should pursue some counseling to overcome all this.

Thank you so much for your help in helping me to possibly have an idea of what she may do in the future. It really hurts not even knowing where she’s at and imagining the worst (which I hope is not the case). I think that she may reconnect with her husband of 12 years before I ever hear from her again.
What do you think?

[Maggie EF]

I'm sorry about what you are going through. BPD is not easy. After reading a lot of posts it seems like the pwBPD in our lives don't come back to us. Not in the way we want. I can't advise because I don't know enough about this disease. I can tell you that we all have similar stories here and you are not alone.

One thing I hate about BPD is that it's hard to diagnose. There is no physical sign and much of the behavior looks like a normal teenager. After reading:

• Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents: A Complete Guide to Understanding and Coping When Your Adolescent has BPD
  By: Blaise Aguirre
  
  Stop Walking on Eggshells for Parents: How to Help Your Child (of Any Age) with Borderline Personality Disorder Without Losing Yourself
  By: Randi Kreger, Christine Adamec MBA, Daniel S. Lobel PhDStop Walking on Eggshells, Third Edition
  
  Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
  By: Paul T. Mason MS, Randi Kreger

I've concluded that my expectations need to change. My relationship with uD17 is never going to be like Gilmore Girls. While she is still with me (in my house), what I can do is create an environment where she can learn the skills she needs to cope as best she can. Then if one day she leaves and I don't have any access to her, I can always continue to turn to my higher power. 

I also work on self-care. Last night I went to a super nice farmers market in my town and bought some fancy herbal tea. I had a cup before bed and slept very soundly. Tonight I'm going to my local community college to see a play with a good friend. On Saturday, I will stay with uD17 while my husband gets to go and enjoy a college course he is taking in a subject he enjoys. I started a gratitude list. I am listening to one of the books I listed above in the background while I work. I don't do this enough but exercise is also a great self-care.

I know this isn't advice but I hope that my share at the very least helps you see that you are not alone.

[CC43]

Ourworld,

It seems to me that you and your daughter have had it very rough.  Your daughter lost her father, basically twice.  She was raped.  She had an unplanned pregnancy.  She gave up her baby.  You moved abroad for a time, and to a sensitive and/or unstable young lady, that probably felt like abandonment, especially as her father was out of the picture.  She moved in with a boyfriend (which I would never advise before marriage) and got dumped.  She married someone with serious problems.  Any one of these events might derail a young lady's life for months or even years.  But she faced them all in rapid succession.  If she weren't diagnosed with BPD, then she might have suffered from PTSD, anxiety and/or depression brought on by these circumstances.  And you have had it rough too, losing your husband and seeing your daughter suffer through this.  Sometimes the pain of others can affect us more than our own pain, maybe because we feel so helpless.

Will she ever contact you?  Maybe, maybe not.  What I have seen with the pwBPD in my life is that she blames her parents for ruining her life.  She also blames her parents for her own poor choices.  Why?  Because it's too hard and painful for her to take responsibility for her choices.  So she alternates between cutting off her mother and father.  Nevertheless, she always comes back when she needs money, which feels transactional and manipulative.  If your daughter is self-sufficient, then maybe the motive for reconnecting with you isn't strong enough.  And maybe engaging with you would stir up too many negative memories and emotions for her.

That your daughter is self-sufficient and has come to terms with her choices are reasons to be happy for her, in my opinion.  Despite the hard knocks, she's living her life, and she's a survivor.  It didn't sound like she was attempting suicide or abusing drugs, which are typical self-destructive BPD behaviors.  She even completed her degree.  Indeed she sounds like a high-functioning, "quiet" BPD type.  I'd say, at least she's not trying to make your life a living hell in "retribution" for the purported past "abuse" you inflicted on her, as seems to be the case with some daughters with BPD.

I bet you expected to have a close relationship with your daughter as adults, and it's understandable that you mourn that loss.  But my opinion is that relationships evolve over time.  Maybe your daughter just isn't ready to reconnect with you yet.  But that doesn't mean she'll never be ready.

I'm sure you did the best you could when life threw you curveballs.  Maybe your daughter hid her own problems from you precisely because she knew how hard you had it.  And maybe now she's doing the very best she can to get through the challenges, just like you did.  I think we all do the best we can with what we have at any given moment.   Nobody's perfect.  But despite our imperfections, if we keep on and carry on, and we don't cause others undue harm, then that's a blessing I think.

I'd say it's OK to mourn the lack of a relationship with your daughter.  But you'd honor yourself and her if you tried to live your best life.

[Maggie EF]

Great post CC. What you wrote resonates with me.

[Ourworld]

Hi Friends,
Thank you so very much for your honest help. I had pretty much figured the reason she cut me off was that I reminded her of a different time in her life, then (thankfully) she left her ‘husband’. And he told me about her behaviors that opened this can of worms of possible BPD and at least Multiple PTSD.

I am preparing to go overseas for long-term missionary work (although you come back to the states every 3 years or so for several months or sooner if your family needs you) either later this year or next, my heart is with hurting children and mothers and I will be taking a course on trauma healing this summer at an international university for missionaries in Dallas, Texas. I will probably be helping trauma victims with healing and learning about Jesus.

I really thank you and will just continue taking one day at a time, her husband no longer has anyone left that cares about him, so I mentor him (mostly about God, forgiveness, and comfort). If I can’t help my own daughter at least I can help him. He has a TBI on top of his schizophrenia (that causes bad hallucinations-at least they are not scary and he can decipher reality!), so I will be there for him.

I am also going to minister with a team in an incarcerated youth facility and a women’s prison this fall (as long as I’m still available).

So, I have my own life and I wanted to figure out if I needed to begin looking more into this disorder to be helpful before I get too busy.

I truly appreciate the things you have helped me understand, and I pray daily for y’all and other parents dealing with children still with them who deal with all of the effects. It truly breaks my heart.

I want to encourage you to never stop praying, for 11 years I prayed for my daughter to be healed even if she did not come back to me. God often has to bring hurting people to their knees before they listen and begin following a better path, so I knew (and prayed about) the first step would be for them to separate, I hated for her ‘marriage’ to come to an end, but I knew something wasn’t right.

She’s probably managing, and I trust that God will help her to get the treatment she needs. She got her MBA while she was with her ‘husband’, and of course I was shocked when she lived with that guy that broke her heart, but nothing I said mattered. She’s making her way, and supposedly trying to straighten her life out now (she’s 38).

The way I look at it, is that I am grateful the Lord gave her to me for the 25 years she was in my life!

You both seem to be handling your own lives well. And from a biblical perspective, this is all a part of the times we are in.

I wish you all many blessings, OurWorld

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

CC43, Thank you so very much for your encouragement, it meant the world to me and helps me let her go.

Take care and I wish you the best☝

[Ourworld]

Hello,

I don’t know if my daughter will ever re-connect with me again, and I am wondering if someone would recommend a book to help me deal with her estrangement.
I don’t  think that I will ever truly be able to overcome something like this, it would be good to have something to help me through it. I am not looking for anything specifically for BPD.

Thanks, OurWorld

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Ourworld-

I know that you are truly hurting about the estrangement from your beloved daughter.  Sadly, I don’t think that pain will ever leave you…it may dull a bit over time, but leave you?  Maybe not.  I’m so sorry.

Yes, leaving out any BPD topic, but I’m not so sure a book will do.  It seems some “non-religious” therapy may help a bit?  Please know, I do *not* intend to hurt or insult at all.  I just have a different perspective because of my experience.

First, I admire your dedication to your missionary work, although the focus of that upcoming work does raise some questions and concerns… especially as it relates to your daughter’s past traumatic experiences.  And how deeply personal that potentially may come to feel for you… without you seeing that potential impact in advance.  I really hope you will take care of your own emotional health, through “non-religious” therapy as you pursue your trauma training; and before you leave the country to work in the trenches.  And this type of therapy and understanding for you may ultimately serve to foster reconnection with your daughter.

I apologize if you’ve already addressed this, but I don’t know what type of therapy you’ve done to understand traumatic experiences, their effects on the brain and body, PTSD, how your daughter’s experiences may have played out in relation to how she responded or reacted to you, her mom, when she became an adult.  And… how she may view your working and being present for not only her husband, but total strangers when she *May* view you as having been largely “absent” from her emotionally.  I clearly don’t know whether this is how she sees this or not.

My friend, the ONLY reason I suggest this, the ONLY reason, is the “G-D” focus.  When you were trying to help your daughter as she went through her very painful experiences , when she said she needed therapy, when she suffered the violent SA in college; when her boyfriend horribly betrayed her; whatever the circumstances of her pregnancy were (that’s unclear and I pray it was consensual)… was the approach between mom and daughter “non-religious”?  Again, I hope I’m not being inappropriate.  That’s not my intention at all.  Please know that.  I approach this from a very personal experience and perspective.

As much as I trust and believe in GOD, and I do,  he leaves a LOT in our hands.  Sometimes it feels like too too much.  At least it did for me, not only in my younger years, but four years ago as well.  Hearing people close to me  “minimize” the things that happened to me by saying things like “G-D doesn’t give you anything more than you can handle” were devastating words to hear. It made me almost feel *targeted* by G-D himself…  I have a past diagnosis of complex-PTSD.  No amount of faith and prayer got me through that emotional devastation and healing.  Healing is a never ending process.

I’m so sorry.., I’ve used way too many words trying to ask you if you really understood and acknowledged with your beloved daughter the extent and depth of her feelings,  pain and traumas.  All of them.  And that G-D was not the sole answer and solution.  Because at times when that is presented to a person deep in suffering, that person can feel that the punishments and pain were somehow “deserved”.  They were NOT.

I truly believe your path toward reconnection with your daughter may one day be through conversations directly with her about HER experiences… and only those.  And how she perceived your responses, no matter how hurt you may feel in those moments she tells you. 

Finally, I’m wondering why you refer to your daughter’s husband by putting his name in quotation marks.  They are still married, correct?  I would use caution who in your family you tell that it’s a “good” thing she left the marriage for now, no matter how you feel about him or her current absence from the relationship.  You are kindly showing for him, which is a blessing.  So in the event that your daughter reinstates contact with her aunt and uncle, (and/or her husband) she may learn that you’ve spent time with her husband.  You may not want her or her husband to be hurt if they learn you wanted that marriage and relationship to end… even while you spent time with him.

Again, I’m sorry that this post is so long and jumbled.  I hope you can decipher what I’m trying to say.

Warmly,
Gems

[Ourworld]

Dear Gem,

I understand and appreciate what you are saying, and no, I do not push my Christian beliefs on anyone. The only thing I ever said to my daughter even close to religion once she left for college was every once in awhile I would simply ask if she was reading her Bible. There came a time when she told me she had stopped.

Missionary agencies have people meet with a psychiatrist to determine if there are any issues that need counseling before going overseas, so this is an evaluation I will be receiving. As far as the traumas she experienced 15 years ago, they do not affect my own thoughts. And I have accepted her estrangement of me, I just think of her often, that’s all. I’m really ok and confident that she’s living a good life and happy.

As far as my SIL the reason I communicate with him is because he does not have anymore family left here for support since he grew up in France. Over the years I have gone through grieving of her estrangement to include racking my brain to try and figure out what could have caused this, guilt, and even some anger that it happened, I had already come to the conclusion that it was most likely due to her mental state just from the traumas she experienced in college.

When he told me about some of her behaviors and distorted memories and beliefs of me and the family this was when I realized how much her father leaving when she was 11 had affected her. In learning more about BPD and even reading about other MH issues, I am sad to say that I feel that this has messed up her mind.
It breaks my heart for all kids to go through something like this, and I am hoping to learn some about trauma healing to help.

My daughter knows how much I help other kids and young people since I have been involved with a lot of incarcerated youth ministries and children of abused mothers.

I realize that she may be offended by my helping other hurting kids and her ex-husband, but I have to live my life.
The reason I put their marriage in quotes is because since it was quite unhealthy and she was ashamed of it (her husband told me this), I’m not sure how seriously she took it. He does take it seriously, and I have encouraged him that hopefully one day she will contact him and they can get reunited and have a better marriage. I have NEVER been happy about her marriage breaking up, I am only glad that he is now getting the treatment he needs and hopefully she is too.
I actually think as long as a relationship is healthy that two people with MH issues can be there for each other.

I did find a book on Amazon for the Kindle to read when I feel down about her leaving me for encouragement called “When Your Child Divorces You…Estrangement” by Jean Lash.

I have never been around or had any knowledge of MH issues, so no, I have never had any type of therapy. My pastor happens to be a professional counselor, and I have talked about things with him and even asked if he thinks I need any therapy and he has said that I do not. And he puts on his counselor hat, so his advice is not “religious”.

Again, I assure you, I do not throw the Bible over people’s head or expect people to share my beliefs necessarily, I just know the peace God and prayer can bring to our lives in these difficult times.

Take Care, OurWorld