Daughter using isolation and triangulation

[ShesARunner]

Our 33-year daughter struggles with BPD, bipolar, and substance abuse (alcohol, cannabis, kratom, that we know of). She is a single parent with two young children. She has wild mood swings: one day she might say that I’m her “rock” and thank me profusely for all the ways my retired husband and I have helped (enabled?) her, but then she turns on us, out of the clear blue, with name calling, rage, and fabricated accusations. She maintains that she is perfectly fine, and anyone who thinks she's not fine is the problem.

She has a full-time job, but she is currently on extended medical leave. When things are going okay, my husband and I care for her 3-year-old most days, plus several nights a week. However, when she gets angry, she uses her children as pawns and refuses to let us see them. Her fury usually passes in a week or so, because sooner or later she needs a free babysitter. Her latest “rule” (imposed during her latest bout of rage) is that I am not allowed to be with her children unless she is present, and the children are not allowed to spend the night with us.

But now there’s a new twist, and I’m wondering if anyone has had experience with their BPD adult child using isolation and triangulation to try and drive a wedge between parents? A few weeks ago, our daughter blocked me on her phone because she was suddenly mad at me; in “good” times, she and I text back and forth multiple times a day, sharing photos of her kids and info about what they’re doing, etc. But when she blocked me, she began sending texts only to my husband, saying all kinds of horrible things to him about me and then telling him not to tell me. (He did tell me, because we are trying to be on the same “team.”) She's accused me of emotional abuse, says she knows I hate her, and says I’ve made her life miserable. Ugh.
 
Then a couple of days ago, she unblocked me, but the isolation and triangulation have continued. She still hasn’t texted me, but instead she set up a new group text with my husband and our other daughter--excluding me--and she’s started sending messages and photos to both of them.

My husband and I agree that it’s important to keep in touch with our BPD daughter because of the grandkids, but he is frustrated with her sending text messages to him that are mostly complaints about how horrible I am. This puts him in an awkward position, but he is reluctant to call her out or tell her to knock it off because he doesn’t want to make her mad. At this point, he is still “allowed” to see our grandchildren, and he doesn’t want to jeopardize that, even though we both feel our daughter is trying to drive a wedge between us.

Any words of wisdom for handling this situation?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Any words of wisdom for handling this situation?

Hey Runner and welcome!  I'm sorry that you're going through this and unfortunately, it is a common problem.

I have a BPD ex and a BPD adult daughter (25).  The kid will call me to bash her mom, call her mom to bash me, then tell us both that she needs help and the other parent doesn't care about her at all.  Truthfully, it's comical because whenever she wants something, the ex and I are on a phone call comparing notes.

For the past three months, my daughter was mad at me and stayed away...but talked to her mom several times a day.  Before that, she called me several times a day and didn't talk to her mom at all.  About every three months, it flip-flops who's the good parent and who's the bad one.  We don't really care and neither of us pay too much attention to her bickering.

I shared that to point out a few things:

1) This is rarely permanent since their mood swings happen often.

2) Being out of the loop is actually pretty rewarding- none of the drama and zero blame.

3) No matter what she does, the important thing is your relationship with your husband.

Now, for the stuff with the grandkids, I'm in that boat too right now and it is super difficult.  But I keep telling myself that this is only for now, not forever.  If you react though and protest, it validates their manipulation tactic and can actually make things worse.  My advice would be to not give into her demands (for now).

I hope that helps!

[Ourworld]

Hello,
You are in such a difficult position and I’m sure it’s quite heartbreaking.
Your love and devotion to her and your precious grandchildren sure put you between a rock and a hard place.

I can only advise you to be in prayer for God to take the wheel and to guide you in everything you say and do, and to give you peace.

I advise this because my own daughter, who is 38, cut off all communication with me (a widow) eleven years ago. She is a high-functioning and quiet dBPD, fortunately her husband had testicular cancer so there are no grandchildren.

I have just come to realize, after reading about all these parents with such excruciating circumstances like yours, that it was actually for my best that she did this, so I don’t have to see the torment she is going through.
And she is trying to give her children the opportunity to have their grandparents in their life.

So, that brings me back to keeping peace in your soul, I don’t know your own beliefs in God, but that is all I can see as a possible way to endure this without it affecting you. The stress of this can have implications on your health in addition to your mindset (I just turned 65).

I wouldn’t imagine that you would just give up and let them go, so they don’t have a negative impact on your life.
I would say, to be thankful that she is not completely cutting off your family (you, your husband, and other daughter).
Be thankful you do get to spend time with your grandchildren (that is a blessing for them and for you).

Make the most of the situation, and try and let God take control and just live your life, do what you want to do, and when she connects if it does not interfere with your own life, be there. But don’t let her schedule your own life.

Prioritize your life with your husband, and NEVER give in to the things she says, for you must realize it is really this horrible disorder speaking, and hopefully she will eventually overcome. You did say that she has had flashes of times when she realizes and appreciates the things y’all do for her and her children.

I know this is long, but I hope it encourages you.

[Ourworld]

One other thing I just thought about is that I think the reason for any isolation from you and triangulation between you and your husband occurs when she is stressed, so DO NOT take these things seriously.

I am sure that she takes a lot of your attention which causes you distress when she acts out, so I urge both you and your husband to do things you want to do in your retirement years, such as any fun travel or cruises.

Focus more on your life. She is just a part, but it doesn’t sound like she relies on you as much as she lets on at times.

[Maggie EF]

I'm in the same boat, except my husband is not on my side or the same page.

[SwanOrnament]

Going through similar experiences but what I’m taking away from here and supportive, credible information is leave her to get on with her life, decisions, choices ( as long  as the children are ‘safe’ ) Start to rebuild your own life back up with friends,  family,  hobbies where ever you find enjoyment that makes you feel calm, comfortable, de stressed and at peace with yourself. Be it an hour, a day or even two …. build up you. She is part of your life not your whole life. That way you stay healthy for significant others, your husband and your grandchildren when you do see them. Health Granny is better than depressed stressed miserable Granny. You owe it to your self to be your best self and recover from all the trauma this dreadful illness causes.

[Ourworld]

Dear Swan,

Your last post about how you should deal with this situation is spot on!

When you do feel worried, hurt, or stressed music can also be quite soothing. I listen to a lot of Contemporary Christian on YouTube from my t.v. The positive lyrics of these songs are quite uplifting! (‘easy listening with positive lyrics!)

Take Care, OurWorld

[SwanOrnament]

Yes I wholeheartedly agree about music helping to sooth the nerves. Thank you  for the reminder !
I recently started listening to classical music on a popular radio channel here in the  UK.
The dulcet tones of the presenters and the calming classics they play, has for me, proved to be such a tranquil experience.
A welcome distraction from my busy overactive mind or a ‘recent upset’
A music therapy session ! Highly recommend !

[ShesARunner]

Thanks to everyone who has shared insights and encouragement! It feels a little less lonely to know that others understand how much the hateful words and baseless accusations hurt.

I'm trying to recalibrate and focus my thoughts elsewhere ("whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure") instead of ruminating on all the ugly things that have been said and done. I'm praying with all my heart that my kind and generous daughter is still "in there" somewhere--but right now she is afflicted with such tremendous emotional/mental pain that she can only rage.   

[SwanOrnament]

I'm in the same boat, except my husband is not on my side or the same page.

This is a very hard illness to fathom for ourselves and even harder to bring significant others along. I was in denial for years and while ever you’re sitting on the same rollercoaster as the ‘sufferer’  it’s hard to get off and take a good look at the up & down hill struggle of the ride you and your family are passenger on.
Researching & Understanding more of your own personal experiences  your  BPD’er.
How you cope and take care of your self & set healthy boundaries is far more important, in my opinion,  than looking for support from those who perhaps are still on the ride  & not quite ready to accept what has or is happening & why ?  Lead by example you need to sort out your own life jacket first before you can fix theirs.

[ShesARunner]

Thanks, Ourworld and Swan Ornament, for suggesting a dose (or many doses!) of uplifting music! I appreciate the suggestion!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SwanOrnament]

Thanks to everyone who has shared insights and encouragement! It feels a little less lonely to know that others understand how much the hateful words and baseless accusations hurt.

I'm trying to recalibrate and focus my thoughts elsewhere ("whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure") instead of ruminating on all the ugly things that have been said and done. I'm praying with all my heart that my kind and generous daughter is still "in there" somewhere--but right now she is afflicted with such tremendous emotional/mental pain that she can only rage.   

So true what you say about recalibration ! 

The rage I can so relate to it reminds me of the quote:
 
‘People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing’

Trouble is we are usually out with the tarmac & brushes trying to make sure of a smooth landing which never goes according to plan … because they don’t ever have one.

[CC43]

Runner,

You might have seen from other posts that I have a diagnosed stepdaughter who cuts one parent off and then the other like a game of sadistic ping-pong.  She used to rant and rage to her father about how horrible her mother was, and then to her mother about how horrible her father was.  She accused them of ruining her life, assault, neglect, abuse, and molestation, with the accusations getting more unbelievable and extreme over the years.  Then she started accusing extended family and friends of assault and abuse (siblings, aunt, roommates, etc.).  She hated everyone and everything, and she blamed everyone for all her problems, as she clung to victimhood status in a pit of despair.  The more she raged, the worse she seemed to get.  And daily use of cannabis certainly made her dysfunction and behavior much worse! 

I thought most of her rages were projections of self-hatred, or stories that she contrived in order to avoid taking responsibility for her own bad choices.  So if you see her words under that light, it's easier not to take anything personally.  I see the hateful messages as a red flag that she's emotionally destabilized (an "adult tantrum") and that she's in need of time and space to calm down (an "adult time out").  The "adult tantrums" typically coincide with increased stressors in her life, though sometimes I'd learn about the stressor weeks or months later.  So basically some sort of failure (quitting a job, loss of a friend, a disappointment, etc.) would trigger a hateful message blaming her parents or extended family for ruining her life.

Many experts recommend validation--to validate the ill feelings, but not the lies.  However, I'm not sure that validation is enough.  At some point, the pwBPD needs to learn that it is unacceptable to treat others in this way, no matter how "justified" they feel in seeking "retribution" for the "abuse" they believe they suffered.  After years of being on the receiving end of hateful texts, and when those hateful texts extended to siblings and aunts, my husband sat his daughter down (once she was in a calmer state) and explained that she couldn't continue to treat people that way, or she wouldn't have a relationship with family or have any friends.  I think she started to see how her behavior was inappropriate, though she refused to apologize.  My opinion is that if this behavior is tolerated, or if she sees it gets a rise out of you, it will continue.  Having a mental illness shouldn't be a free pass for bad behavior in my opinion.  But it might take a lot of practice to learn to handle emotions and communicate in a more positive way.

Maybe what you could do is text back that you won't reply anymore to messages that are mean or hateful towards your spouse, and that if she has a problem, she should take it up with your spouse directly.  That's what families and adults do.  You might have to repeat this message several times, but I bet eventually she'll hear it.

[Maggie EF]

Thanks, SwanOrnament, great advice. This is a great chain with lots of great tips.