We Split Up in December: Sort of a Reconciliation...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

In December of '13 she told me she wanted a break.  Opted to skip my graduation from grad school after dating for three years.  We lived a couple of hours apart, but often saw each other on the weekends.  We had talked about plans for marriage and yadayadayada... .   I was in love. 

Just before Christmas she dumped me.  She called it taking a break, but it was her attempt to split.  She told me that I was too suspicious of her and didn't trust her enough.  My fears with her stemmed from several incidents:  One year in I found facebook messages from a former student of hers, she used to teach high school art, talking about meeting for sex.  Later I would find messages on her phone from guys or saw that she was looking up information on former relationships.  She had been a teacher before I met her, but was terminated because she got caught sleeping with another male student and providing him and his friends with alcohol.  In the beginning I thought she was just distraught at that time in her life and had made a huge mistake, which she had paid the full price for.  By the time we split up she was blaming everyone else for her behavior rather than taking responsibility for it.  She has been living with her parents since losing her job five years ago, she is 43 years old, and has been divorced from a 13 year marriage for six. 

With that background I'll say that I reached out to her in February, seeking clossure.   We had been in a no contact state for several weeks and I was crushed.  When I reached out she took my words as an attempt to win her back.  This was in spite of the clear message that said I was only seeking closure.  When we talked she became very excited about my new job and that it put me 30 min. closer to her house, where she lives with her parents.  Eventually we began talking once a week and she kept asking for more and more of my time.  I began dating someone else and was pretty open, when asked, about this relationship.  Once when I asked if we could re-schedule one of our phone calls my exBPD blew up on me and said she never wanted to talk to me again.  She was upset because I was taking out my new gf for Valentine's Day.  After a couple of days my exBPD calmed down and began talking to me again.  Eventually the strain of my guilt for hurting my ex ruined my new relationship and I ended things, though thie new girl may have had some personality disorder issues too, seeing me in very black or white terms.  Eventually all of our communication led to us spending a weekend together when her parents were out of town.  We slept in the same bed, walked her dog, went to dinner, and even talked about the future.  I screwed up, or I feel like I did when I did this. 

So a couple of weeks ago my exBPD and I were discussing going to see Pearl Jam at a couple of shows here in the Mid-West.  Last July we saw them in Chicago at Wrigley and it was an incredible experience.  Concerts were kind of our thing so I thought this was a great chance for us to spend time together and enjoy something that means a lot to us both.  We planned  to see a show in Cincinnatti or St. Louis.  Eventually she called me to tell me she was going to go to a show in St. Paul, MN where he sister lives because her sister can pay for her travel and the ticket to the show.     I was heart broken.  I told her that I thought she was very selfish to use her sister to pay for everything and that she should be a grown up and support herself.  This led to one week of her not calling or texting me.  I finally reached out and asked what was going on.  She told me that since I didn't call her she figured I was mad at her and didn't want to get yelled at.  Later after asking her some questions I realized she was going to the Cincy show with another one of her sisters who lives in that areaa.  Again I was hurt.   When I asked if she was really going with her sister, if she had just met someone else she got irate and said I was being totally annoying with those types of questions.  We spoke for a few days in a row after that initial call, but now she is back to not talking to me today.  Her explanation for her behavior is that she feels bad that she lies to me and feels bad that she isn't going to the shows with me.  Obviously she hasn't told me this today, but it was what she had said about why we didn't tlak before I reached out again.  When I went to go see a baseball game last Sunday she was texting me the whole time, acting very interested.  The next day I asked her if she had made plans weith her sisters thes whole time and when she alluded to the fact she had I let out a very sad "Oh" to which she then wanted to end out call.  I told her that she paints me in black or white and it isn't fair.  She acknowledged she does this with her family as well, but she didn't want to own painting me as black. 

I think I've ranted enough here, I'd love some feedback from the community.  If I don't contact her I think she'll eventually move me into a state where she looks me up online and blames me for everything.  This experience coupled with starting a new job, managing a work relationship with an abusive trainer, and feeling totally alone in a new city with no friends is very challenging.  I'd love to hear from anyone out there.  Thank You. 

[SheAskedForaBreak]

In December of '13 she told me she wanted a break.  Opted to skip my graduation from grad school after dating for three years.  We lived a couple of hours apart, but often saw each other on the weekends.  We had talked about plans for marriage and yadayadayada... .   I was in love. 

Just before Christmas she dumped me.  She called it taking a break, but it was her attempt to split.  She told me that I was too suspicious of her and didn't trust her enough.  My fears with her stemmed from several incidents:  One year in I found facebook messages from a former student of hers, she used to teach high school art, talking about meeting for sex.  Later I would find messages on her phone from guys or saw that she was looking up information on former relationships.  She had been a teacher before I met her, but was terminated because she got caught sleeping with another male student and providing him and his friends with alcohol.  In the beginning I thought she was just distraught at that time in her life and had made a huge mistake, which she had paid the full price for.  By the time we split up she was blaming everyone else for her behavior rather than taking responsibility for it.  She has been living with her parents since losing her job five years ago, she is 43 years old, and has been divorced from a 13 year marriage for six. 

With that background I'll say that I reached out to her in February, seeking clossure.   We had been in a no contact state for several weeks and I was crushed.  When I reached out she took my words as an attempt to win her back.  This was in spite of the clear message that said I was only seeking closure.  When we talked she became very excited about my new job and that it put me 30 min. closer to her house, where she lives with her parents.  Eventually we began talking once a week and she kept asking for more and more of my time.  I began dating someone else and was pretty open, when asked, about this relationship.  Once when I asked if we could re-schedule one of our phone calls my exBPD blew up on me and said she never wanted to talk to me again.  She was upset because I was taking out my new gf for Valentine's Day.  After a couple of days my exBPD calmed down and began talking to me again.  Eventually the strain of my guilt for hurting my ex ruined my new relationship and I ended things, though thie new girl may have had some personality disorder issues too, seeing me in very black or white terms.  Eventually all of our communication led to us spending a weekend together when her parents were out of town.  We slept in the same bed, walked her dog, went to dinner, and even talked about the future.  I screwed up, or I feel like I did when I did this. 

So a couple of weeks ago my exBPD and I were discussing going to see Pearl Jam at a couple of shows here in the Mid-West.  Last July we saw them in Chicago at Wrigley and it was an incredible experience.  Concerts were kind of our thing so I thought this was a great chance for us to spend time together and enjoy something that means a lot to us both.  We planned  to see a show in Cincinnatti or St. Louis.  Eventually she called me to tell me she was going to go to a show in St. Paul, MN where he sister lives because her sister can pay for her travel and the ticket to the show.     I was heart broken.  I told her that I thought she was very selfish to use her sister to pay for everything and that she should be a grown up and support herself.  This led to one week of her not calling or texting me.  I finally reached out and asked what was going on.  She told me that since I didn't call her she figured I was mad at her and didn't want to get yelled at.  Later after asking her some questions I realized she was going to the Cincy show with another one of her sisters who lives in that areaa.  Again I was hurt.   When I asked if she was really going with her sister, if she had just met someone else she got irate and said I was being totally annoying with those types of questions.  We spoke for a few days in a row after that initial call, but now she is back to not talking to me today.  Her explanation for her behavior is that she feels bad that she lies to me and feels bad that she isn't going to the shows with me.  Obviously she hasn't told me this today, but it was what she had said about why we didn't tlak before I reached out again.  When I went to go see a baseball game last Sunday she was texting me the whole time, acting very interested.  The next day I asked her if she had made plans weith her sisters thes whole time and when she alluded to the fact she had I let out a very sad "Oh" to which she then wanted to end out call.  I told her that she paints me in black or white and it isn't fair.  She acknowledged she does this with her family as well, but she didn't want to own painting me as black. 

I think I've ranted enough here, I'd love some feedback from the community.  If I don't contact her I think she'll eventually move me into a state where she looks me up online and blames me for everything.  This experience coupled with starting a new job, managing a work relationship with an abusive trainer, and feeling totally alone in a new city with no friends is very challenging.  I'd love to hear from anyone out there.  Thank You. 

[OutOfEgypt]

Eventually the strain of my guilt for hurting my ex ruined my new relationship and I ended things, though thie new girl may have had some personality disorder issues too, seeing me in very black or white terms.

That guilt will keep you in her pocket forever.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  Breaking off a bad relationship and actually finding a NEW life for yourself is a GOOD thing, not a thing to feel guilty for.  You just feel like you are leaving her behind... . and you are, but for the good because she's not going to go with you into better.  And you are used to being manipulated by her tantrums and emotionalism.

She's pathological and will keep doing this to you.  The up and down, the push/pull/push, the demand for attention, and the sexual garbage behind the scenes.  She'll cast you off, or you'll leave, and then suddenly you're sucked back in again.  And you might even kid yourself about "Nah... . I'm not that sucked in."  Whatever .  That was and is my ex wife.  The quality of the remainder of your life literally depends on your ability to emotionally detach from her and her garbage, to stop taking the blame and guilt for things that you DO NOT need to feel guilty for, and to stop letting her lead you around like a puppy dog with her emotionalism and manipulation.

I was told 10 years ago, "She's pathological.  She's going to keep doing this to you."  The man who told me that was 100% right.  It was hell.

*You aren't going to get the validation and closure you seek from her, ever.  If she is constantly keeping tabs on old relationships, doesn't that tell you something?  She doesn't WANT you to have closure.  She wants to be able to leave you and then suck you back in on her terms and her time, whenever she wants.

*You aren't going to get explanations from her that make sense, ever.  She has reasons for what she does, and they feel real to her.  But they aren't.

*If you keep seeking it or living under the delusion that you can be "just friends", she's going to keep pulling on all those strings to keep you around for whenever she wants.  You have to decide what kind of life you want.  If you don't, she'll make that decision for you, and it will suck.

That's the bottom line.

[Fanie]

Look after yourself first

Don't get married

Don't have children

[WalrusGumboot]

She had been a teacher before I met her, but was terminated because she got caught sleeping with another male student and providing him and his friends with alcohol. 

This is the kind of thing you read about in the news. I think it would be wise to steer clear of this kind of woman. It would save you a lot of heartache and embarrassment.