Most important pieces of evidence & witnesses/experts you had at trial?

[Aiming4Kindness]

I'm currently preparing for a trial setting conference to determine custody of our toddler.

For those of you who have been down this road (especially dads), what were:

• The most important pieces of evidence you used
• The most important witnesses and expoerts you had at trial

For those of you who had documented/journaled BPD-related events before and after the dissolution of your relationship, how did you and your lawyer use those materials? 

Thanks tons.

[ForeverDad]

While I did have trials, the Divorce Day trial never happened, when I arrived she was finally ready to settle.  Unknown to me at the time, her lawyer had told her she wouldn't win.  She had a favorable temp order where she had temp custody and majority time so she stretched it out as long as she could, nearly two years.

I noticed that the court and other professionals around the court, even the lawyers, tried their best to keep the bad stuff off the record.  They figure that normal parents are highly emotional during a divorce but calm down later so I got the impression they tried to handle the allegations and such while the court wasn't "on the record".  (Yeah, that approach doesn't work in the high conflict cases where the conflict doesn't end.)  It also allowed the judge to have the fullest discretion in rendering a decision.  After all, anything in testimony or submitted documents could be used later to support an Objection, Reconsideration or Appeal.  Once a decision has been made you can't add something saying, "But what about this other document I had in reserve?"

I'll tell about the last time we were in court, back in 2013.  I was already Legal Guardian but the GAL a couple years earlier had resisted granting me majority time, expecting ex to behave better with child support.  Yeah, like that was going to work.  I had several years of angry phone call recordings but was limited to the most recent 6 months before the motion was filed.  I narrowed them down to 10 calls.  In prior court visits no one wanted to deal with phone calls so I guess this time they decided it was time to see what was the real problem after several years.  I picked some that centered around exchanges.  In one series, it was the exchange before Independence Day.  I got off a couple hours early that day for the upcoming holiday so I called in advance asking to pick him up from summer daycare where she worked.  She of course said, No, my time didn't start until 6 pm.  So I went home, did some stuff and then went to the order's exchange location.  She never came.  Once the exchange window of 30 minutes had passed, I called again.  This time she said I had to pick him up at her location the daycare.  I said No, the location in the order where I was waiting.  I ended up calling the police to report a failed exchange.  This incident documented that she was playing games with me.  Other calls recorded her calling me names and cursing, all obviously within son's earshot of the conversation.  In the decision the magistrate noted "Mother's disdain for Father is ruling her mental state... .detrimental to the child." and "In the tapes Mother is often yelling so loudly that it is difficult to endure listening to her."

Yet that is not what got me majority time.  It was incidents at school.  Though I was Legal Guardian, we had equal time.  There was an overnight school field trip that started on my time but continued into hers.  Well, she arrived at the park's campground and demanded to get her son.  School teachers (a bit reluctantly) testified she was was creating a scene and did remove our son.  Those kids who didn't go on the field trip were to go to school the next day.  She didn't take him to school nor did she take him back to the camp, so he had an unexcused day out of school.

In addition, she had an assortment of tardies, I think 2 or 3 out of 19 were on my time, the rest were hers.  The tardies, incomplete homework and the school incident, documentation from professionals, were what the court based granting me majority time - but during the school year only.  Mother got "one more try" to keep equal time during the 11 week summers.

Overall, what I'm saying is that testimony from professionals and independent documents meant more to the court than what I reported I was going through.  That too may work for you.  I recall thinking that the tardies were minor and not that damning, but yes they were specifically mentioned in the decision.

Also understand that courts are often reluctant to make one parent the winner and the other the loser.  I think that's one reason I only got part of my motion and mother got to keep equal time in the summers.

[Nope]

I agree with FD. All testimony of independent third parties that have no agenda or stake in the outcome go the furthest. Our magistrate put in the finding that she gave the most weight to testimony of the teachers, police, and the GAL.

Speaking of the GAL, she was the person most interested in the events in our calendars and our documenting of the ongoing conflicts. We used our documenting to make easy to follow bulleted timelines of the visitation exchanges and what occurred at each exchange. I used another bulleted timelines to track address changes to show how many times the kids were moved into different schools systems. Using that approach really helped because it kept paperwork short, sweet, and to the point.

[livednlearned]

Third-party professionals involved in our case was the most impactful -- we live in a state where parenting coordinators have extension of judicial authority. Our PC was a child psychologist who trains PCs for the whole state. She testified in court that ex was the most difficult client she had ever worked with, that she requested to be removed from the case and recommended no further PCs be assigned so that the judge could oversee the degree of conflict. Basically, this crap is above my pay grade. The PC also had a collegial relationship with then S11's therapist, who had signed a waiver preventing her from being called to testify. The PC basically created a loophole and then testified that S11's therapist felt intimidated and bullied by n/BPDx, and that she was concerned for S11's well-being while in his dad's care.

The other evidence that was helpful was my ex's own emails and texts. I organized those into two big 3-ring binders and labeled them according to themes. Then my L brought those binders into our deposition (kind of as a prop) to communicate to the opposing L that his client had some problems. My ex is a former trial attorney should've known better than writing a boatload of incriminating emails. The deposition testimony was also helpful because it captured ex's own kooky thinking about things, plus admonitions and denials about his own substance abuse issue, sometimes both in the same sentence.

Psychiatric eval of n/BPDx was also good evidence.

And then, probably not applicable in your case, but amusing now (at least in retrospect). n/BPDx representing himself was a doozy. It let the judge see for himself what n/BPDx was about. There was no level-headed hired L to filter out n/BPDx's impulses and kooky ideas. Like having me read out loud on the witness stand an email that n/BPDx sent to me, then cross-examining me about whether or not the email said what it said.

My L's objection was something like, "Are we trying to confirm whether LnL can read, or whether n/BPDx can write."

 

[toast127]

I found that doing everything in writing is the key.  Using consistent BIFF language in any response is also import.

For my parenting time adjustment to 50/50 I had a mountain of information, including her public facebook posts about me and the kids, texts and emails that sunk any perceived argument she had against me.

[Aiming4Kindness]

Without going into depth, I want to thank each of you from the bottom of my heart.

Those of you who emphasized the helpfulness of having third party expertise led me to hire a PI to observe custody transitions this week.  Simultaneously, my ex (pwBPD) filed an ex parte to take our 23 month old out of the country for two weeks.  I'm not sure what our chances fighting against this would be had we not had a PI's video and written reports about how our child resists going back to her mom.

Court is tomorrow morning... .I'm cautiously optimistic.  At the least, I feel like I'm more prepared than I would have been otherwise because of your wisdom and experiences.  Thank you.

[ForeverDad]

About the travel motion, what is the purpose?  Is it to visit grandparents or some other family basis?  If so, that may be harder to counter.  One question would be whether the toddler had been out of the country before, if not then there should be no rush.

If it's to see the Eiffel Tower, Disneyworld, the Queen of England making an appearance, Taj Mahal, etc then the child wouldn't really benefit much if at all.  I usually give an example regarding my own history.  I could have taken my son when a toddler to Disneyworld.  Many say the kids need to get photos with the cartoon characters.  At $100 per day?  In my home area there's a large regional amusement park a half hour away with a $100 season pass including parking and it has cartoon characters too.  Huge financial difference.  What details would a toddler remember?  Very little.  All you need for the young kids is that they have a fun time, it will blend into a solid foundation for their future.  I hope my perspective makes sense.

Is there risk of the child not being returned?  Is the country one that cooperates with the Hague Convention for Child Abduction?  Understand that retrieving a child from another country is very expensive even in the best of countries.

[Aiming4Kindness]

The travel motion's purpose was allegedly to take our daughter to see her ailing grandfather before he died.

In court, the judge told my ex that she could take our daughter out of town, but I would then have our daughter for the same number of days upon their return.  The judge made it clear to my ex that if she didn't return after X days, she would be a fugitive.

So guess what happened... .No trip, and everybody is still alive.

[david]

My story starts in 2007. At first, the courts sided with ex since "moms are better at raising children than dads are ". Right out of the judges mouth. He is retired now.
 
I went back in 2010 with evidence. The biggest thing was copies of every homework for a year and a half. It was a big pile. The top sheet spelled it all out. Homework done at dads : total number and percentage ( over 95% ) even though mom had majority time.

I only communicate with ex through emails. Had the best of the best email attacks for the last 6 months showing unwillingness to compromise, discuss, anything positive, etc. Even resistance to following the court order which we had at that time.