I want my Gf back.

[CryWolf]

Hey everyone,

I met my ex-gf in college. She came out of a toxic relationship with her ex who was abusive, and still stalks her to this day. I did everything in the relationship to communicate and validate her. I did see myself withdrawing at times because I was afraid of being yelled at or cursed at. I am blaming myself for this as it may have caused the break up. I am constantly blaming myself and holding myself accountable. Anything I did was never good enough. I never knew when she would break things off with me again. I was walking on egg shells. We couldn't communicate and result in fights. I made the mistake of defending myself instead of listening at times. I did not understand BPD like I should have.

Signs she exhibited:
-break up and make up
-cursing and blaming
-accusing of absurd allegations
-memory loss
-gaslighting
-manipulation

She was diagnosed by a school counselor, and was seeing a counselor for a while and things seemed a lot better but I believe she stopped. We were together for almost three years until she was becoming more distant and started hanging out with her female best friend. She was blowing off plans to see me and I did get insecure. I felt like she lost interest because we hadn't had sex in months and she told me she wasn't an affectionate or sexual person but tried. However when i would try to kiss her or hold her hand towards the end of the relationship she would pull away. She was going through a lot with school and maybe this affected things. Im not sure.

i told her how I felt and how its like she doesnt want to see me anymore. She then went on attack mode and ignored me for the day. That night i sent her a message asking "do you still want to work on this relationship or are you done?"
she didnt reply until the next day when i saw her at school and she texted back "Leaving"... I was heartbroken and i responded with "i understand goodbye" Then she said "i meant i was leaving school... " and she went to blame me for assuming things and how im so needy and etc...

I tried talking things with her and it wasn't going anywhere. We argued and talked for another week or so. She wanted to be just friends and I told her I wanted intimacy and romance. She said she will never see me romantic again. We hung out on my birthday a few days later and things seemed really good. we still texted and then the next day she told me it was a mistake seeing me and how it gave me false hope. we then broke things off for sure and I told her i didnt want to be friends. I still tried to contact her but she stopped all contact with me and said "she needs to heal and she's human too."

I was devastated and felt discarded. how i gave this girl everything, was always there for her and yet she could just discard me like i did not exist. for three years she never wanted to commit, but we would have sex and act like a couple. she stayed getting jealous of any female friend i would have. Its like she wanted to be committed but didn't want the title. this bothered me because I was scared she would find another person and leave me. I do have anxiety and abandonment issues as my father left when I was 5.

I started seeing a therapist and tried instilling the no contact rule with her. I wanted her to miss me but I keep breaking it. I have reached out numerous occasions and no reply.

I saw her at school after no contact for a few weeks and she seemed happy to see me and was talkative and letting me touch her arm and she was bringing up old memories and then she tried making me jealous by talking to some other guy at this school event. I pretended not to care at first then got frustrated and asked her if they were talking. she said no. I felt like this may have fed her ego.

We stopped talking again, then i texted her asking if she wanted my notebook for a class and then we proceeded to talk for a few hours about school and work and then i gave her my notebook. She didnt say thank you and just seemed mad for even seeing me. I feel like she is hurt for me not wanting to remain friends. she then texted me a couple days asking about the notebook but then not replying.

Then i proceeded to text and call her but no reply. I see her at school and cant control myself and approach her. She either seems mad or happy to see me. I have a problem of letting her go and making her miss me. But i feel that with her BPD she will just find someone new and move on like i never existed. she wanted nothing to do with me now and all i can do is think about her and what i did wrong. I had to drop the club we both were in and dropped a class because this break up is killing me. I just want her back in my life and work on a healthy relationship together. Can someone please help me on how to approach this?

I check her tumblr and i think she knows i check it by having a google analytics which shows people visiting. She has been making all these posts about how she wants romance, and she love affection and intamacy. yet she told me she was never an affectionate person but tried with me. idk if she is either doing this to manipulate me and punish me or she found someone new. I have become an insecure and obsessive person due to this break up. Before i would be able to hold my composure but now i feel like a crazy ex trying to get attention.

We usually break up and make up, go no contact for a week or two or a month the most and make up. We broke up in early December and I feel like she wants nothing to do with me anymore. Sorry for ranting, I have been holding this in for so long.

Despite everything mentioned, she is an incredible person. She is full of love and compassion when she isnt like this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there

I see you are very confused and frustrated, every break up does that to us, with a person with a PD is even worse, because it's confusing even when we are together. I'm sorry for your pain, I know it shakes you to your very core.

For what I understand you want "all or nothing", and she wants the middle. You want to forget her or have her romanticaly in your life, and she wants to be just friends. You can't forget her, because you can't stay away, and you love her. But she doesn't give you what you want, and you don't give her what she (says she) wants.

I think you need to have a hard look at yourself, and find out what you want, regarless of what she does.

It seems to me that if you want to be with her, being friends gets you a bit closer to your goal, than saying no to that (and then not being able to help yourself to stay away). I understand it is a painful prospect, so I'm not saying it's what you must do. I know the feeling that even though we are so invested and changed for life for being in this relationship, it feels like they can leave us and not look back, find someone else, and move on. And it fells like it's our job not to let them forget us.

It's really hard to accept what we can't control. But we need to focus on what we can. You know you are doing things that hurt yourself, put your energy into stopping that.


Whether you get her back, or not, all the work you do to take care of yourself is not wasted.

Hang in there, I know it's very tough.

[CryWolf]

Thank You for your insight. 

And yes, throughout the relationship things were on her terms. She never wanted to fully commit but we act like we were a couple. But when she became insecure she would say things like “it’s okay if you’re sleeping with another girl, it’s not like  we’re together or anything” and I would proceed to tell her there is no one else and I love her. To soothe her anxiety and doubts.

After she broke things off with me she did ask me twice if I wanted to be friends and “to think about but she will never want to be with romantically again.” I said no to avoid the friend zone. And then a week later I said okay we can be friends So we stay close together and she probably only meant being friends in the moment as she was angry. However, she said no. I understand I hurt her by saying no to friendship but I was hurt she ended our relationship like that.

I contacted her apologizing for pushing her away, talking about love languages, attachment styles and how I didn’t understand BPD and I’m sorry for a lot of things. She’s given me no reply. She’s never ignored me this long. Usually a day or two. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point because I love this woman and I would walk through hell for her.

I’m waking up every night with nightmares because I feel so abondaned and all I can think is about her. I don’t want to reach out anymore because at this point I feel like I am making things worse.

[Wildboar]

Hi Crywolf and welcome to the forum!

   I'm so sorry to hear this, to hear that other people are in a similar situation as me... .Your case seems particularly difficult, as 3 years of your life with someone is hardly negligible and it's very hard/impossible to let that go.

   Although I guess my case is "easier" as my exwBPD is a bit more moderate and the relationship lasted less (only a year), I can definetly relate to your situation and the difficult to control dependency that you must feel right now.
   I don't have a big range of advice, since I'm pretty new to the whole BPD thing, but I think that you might need, like me, to work on yourself. Seeing a therapist is already a huge step forward, and I figure they're giving you some advice. In my case, a big problem after such a breakup was that I had abandoned a lot of friendships and stuff, and I felt very lonely afterwards. This is why I'm focusing on socializing as much as possible, meeting new people, etc. It seems really, really hard, I know. I wake up thinking of her, wanting to spend my day in bed... .But when I force myself to meet someone, either an old friend, or someone new; It helps. It distracts me, and I feel slightly better.
   Remember, you cannot have a healthy relationship without being independent and having a good life beside. It's what's attractive and what makes her envy you. Neediness is not only mentally unhealthy for you, but it also just pushes her away.
   Another thing I like to do is work out; it helps me distract myself and feel a bit more confident. Sure, it takes a while. But my goal is to feel independent and attractive.

   As for the friend-zone stuff, you can come see my thread and there's some advice on that. But to summarize, I know that a friendship might be daunting, but as JoeBPD81 said, it isn't such a far fetched idea. I like to consider that people with BPD tend to feel many different things, so as long as you don't become her brother, a friendship doesn't necessarily mean the end of any love.

   Anyway, my advice probably won't be too helpful, and others will hopefully have much more to say! But I understand your situation, it's tough. But I know that there's a way out, it'll just take a bit of time and motivation, as well as the right tools.

[CryWolf]

   Anyway, my advice probably won't be too helpful, and others will hopefully have much more to say! But I understand your situation, it's tough. But I know that there's a way out, it'll just take a bit of time and motivation, as well as the right tools.

Hey WildBoar,
Your advice was very helpful and much appreciated!

Every day is hard, I have moments of just crying or wallowing in sadness. I wake up in the morning angry, because of the situation I am in.
I am going to the gym, and starting to diet again. Usually when we break up I will contact her and we work things out, but this time its like things are set and official.(Funny how I always think its the last time). We couldn't communicate towards the end of the relationship and I am working very hard to work on that. I felt unheard during the relationship but I was not informed about all the information about BPD. So in a sense, it was my fault that I could not understand her during the breakup.

I don't know what to do right now for us to talk again and reconnect. It is all I can think about and it's gotten to the point that it is affecting my grades and work performance. I'm new to understanding BPD and really want to understand and make this work with my partner. I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record.

How can I reconnect with her? Do I just work on myself and wait for her until she's ready to contact me again? Do you guys think my situation is hopeless and move on?

[pearlsw]

Hi CryWolf,

When things are in this state the best possible thing you can do is to focus on yourself and be sure you have a strong support system around you. It is hard when we desire someone and yet somehow can't quite get things to work... .I'm married and yet I feel like I'm a temp worker in the relationship. There has never been a real future I can count on - it gets taken away weekly. It has really dragged me down, left me in a painful limbo like existence, at times it has even broken reality for me.

I'd take the time to read up on this stuff and learn it inside out. Keep reading and posting here as an alternative to contacting her when those urges strike is one idea. Be wary of patterns and doing stuff that just painfully repeats over and over. The better you understand yourself and can be disciplined with the tools here the better off you will be if you two do give things another try... .and if not you will still have great tools for another relationship.

take care, pearl.

[Wildboar]

Hi again!

   Wow, I'm amazed at how "predictable" in a sense a relationship involving BPD is. Everything you say applies to me, and I can totally relate to what you're saying. Towards the end, trust erodes, communication diminishes, and it's just more of a state of blind dependency than anything else. In my case, I almost admire my ex for her courage of finally deciding to cut things off, as it was killing us both from the inside.

   Now of course, things are hard after the breakup... .I've had very little motivation to get work done for example, so I can totally understand that, too. First things first, I try accepting my sorrow and grief. It means that if I need to cry, I sit down, grab some tissues, and let those tears out. If I'm mad, I'll try to release the anger on a punching bag or by doing some physical exercise. It's best to let the feelings through, and neglecting emotions is just a snooze button, a way to get hit by them again, this time harder.
   Then, before you start anything with her, you need to make yourself independent and self sufficient. You must put yourself into a mindset in which you want her but you can live without her, not in a mindset where you need her to live.
   You said you were going to the gym, and this is already a huge step that many people are either afraid to take, or don't have the willpower to do! Would you mind telling us a bit about your friends and family? What role do they play in your life at the moment?

    Do I just work on myself and wait for her until she's ready to contact me again? Do you guys think my situation is hopeless and move on?

   Well, you may of course keep contact if she answers. If you are able to, then maintaining a friendship is not a bad idea. I don't mean dive into a new unhealthy dependency. I also don't mean getting friendzoned or friendzoning her (For example talking about other girls, etc.). I mean talking from time to time, just to update her on your life, keep up to her life, make her laugh, etc. Your goal here is to make her confortable! For example, I shoot my ex up with a text every couple of days to ask her what's up, etc. and to have a little, shallow but fun talk.
   But the priority here is making yourself able to live alone. If you want to ever get back with her, you need to be able to also be rejected. I like to think of it as building an armor before going into battle, where the armor is your confidence, your ability to live alone.
   In any case, you gotta keep in mind that she has BPD. What she says now is in no way what she'll think in a week or a month. It's just how it is... .But confidence is pretty attractive, so you may have a way of influencing what she'll think in a month!

   Basically put, it's a bit ironic but the best way of getting her to come back is to be confident, to show her that she cannot bring you down. After all isn't that what she needs? Someone who won't break down? Someone who is able to stand her BPD that she can barely stand up against everyday.


   If it can reassure you I'm going through basically the same thing right now. The advice I'm trying to give is what I try to follow everyday, and so far it has helped quite a bit!
Of course, as pearl said, this forum is filled with great resources to manage a pwBPD, so dive right into it! And I also agree in that if you feel the need to talk about your pain, stress, anything really, think about coming here instead of telling her! I've learned the hard way that the ultimate way to screw up any progress you've made is by breaking down in front of her.

Take care,
Wildboar


P.S. Be easy on yourself. Ok, I admit I havn't really followed this advice myself because it's hard, but try not to blame yourself! I feel pretty guilty about many things in our relationship, but I know deep down it's not right. It's not your fault if she has BPD, if she's hard to manage. You signed up for a relationship at the beginning. You had no idea you were embarking on a ship that was bound to capsize during a storm were you? So how could you have known how to manage BPD.
It's a hard thing to accept, because I'm having trouble too, but ultimately noone's responsible. It's just how things are, and you have control only over yourself.

[CryWolf]

   You said you were going to the gym, and this is already a huge step that many people are either afraid to take, or don't have the willpower to do! Would you mind telling us a bit about your friends and family? What role do they play in your life at the moment?

Yes I am going to the gym but haven't gone in a week. Been a bit down, but I will again! For me basketball with people has been helping. The endorphins after working out running is what we all need I believe.

As for family and friend support. I have about two friends who help me when I need to talk but one lives out of state and the other is always busy. All my friends are back in California and I'm in Georgia so I don't have much of a social life. Im currently living with grandparents but we aren't close and Im planning on moving in with my parents and little siblings in a week. I think it'll be a lot better for me mentally.

   

   Basically put, it's a bit ironic but the best way of getting her to come back is to be confident, to show her that she cannot bring you down. After all isn't that what she needs? Someone who won't break down? Someone who is able to stand her BPD that she can barely stand up against everyday.

Yes, I am trying to be confident and understand as much as I can about BPD in case we do work things out. However, my anxiety is making me nervous and wondering if she found someone new or she cheated on me during the relationship. I have been reading a lot about partners whom cheat or move on and find someone new within a week or so on this site and its affecting me. This shouldn't affect me because I know not every person with BPD is the same. I guess its just my insecurities. I know my ex isn't like this and would never ever cheat but now we are broken up 2 months and I'm just afraid and scared she found someone new. I did so much for this girl. Like I literally showed her a "whole new world" like Aladdin 

You signed up for a relationship at the beginning. You had no idea you were embarking on a ship that was bound to capsize during a storm were you? So how could you have known how to manage BPD.
It's a hard thing to accept, because I'm having trouble too, but ultimately noone's responsible. It's just how things are, and you have control only over yourself.

Thank you so much for this. I have been blaming myself and feeling selfish and pushing her too much for my needs and reading this made me feel so much better.

Side note: I did go on her tumblr a while ago, and she has a separate tumblr (blog site) where she actually talks about her thoughts and emotions. I didn't think this was possible for BPD people but she goes in very depth and mentions things such as "I apologize for pushing you away, when all I ever wanted was to bring you closer". Of course she wont tell me these things in person but reading what she was feeling made me feel something I can't put to words.

[once removed]

hey CryWolf,

when was the last time the two of you spoke? when was the last time you tried to contact her and didnt hear back?

and are the two of you still going to school together?

[CryWolf]

hey CryWolf,

when was the last time the two of you spoke? when was the last time you tried to contact her and didnt hear back?

and are the two of you still going to school together?

Hey it’s kind of complicated...
a couple weeks ago I went to sit with her and she was annoyed to see me but let me sit with her and we both did our hw and didn’t talk much. She was being cold but she let me sit with her.

Then a week or so later  approached her while she was walking and I saw her give a little smile/smirk and we talked about the same club  we’re in and her grades and her new job. She really opened up to me and told me how she’s failing all her classes and etc.

Then that night. She deleted me off Snapchat during our breakup  but the new Snapchat allowed me to see her story. She was at a concert with her female friend and then I believe Snapchat alerted her that I replayed her snap story and she blocked me. My fault for this. Curiosity killed the cat .

I thought things were good with us and I felt great because she’s opened up to me that day. The next day I went to her while she was sitting down and doing her hw. I went and sat down and she told me to leave. I asked no if I can sit with her and she said “I blocked you for a reason”. Then she started packing her stuff and said “if you won’t  leave, I will” and I said “it’s fine I’ll leave.” And i asked, “are we ever going to talk again?”

And she said “no. You’re the one that didn’t want to be friends” and I said “because I wanted romance. And then I told you we can be friends Nd see where it goes” and she said “no. I gave you two chances”  then I said “okay I understand”

A week later, I went up to her and told her I like her haircut. And she said thanks. She seemed annoyed again seeing me or mad. I honestly was pushing it and I couldn’t control myself. I asked if I can sit with her and she said no. I asked her if I can borrow her physics notebook and she said she will look for it and Let me know. (She never let me know). I told her I was struggling in the class and she told me “I should have taken the professor she me” and I told my her “I forgot the name” and she said “I told you twice” and at that point I avoided an argument. I tried saying bye and I was going to class and she said “idc”.

I texted her about the notebook a few nights ago but she has me blocked on iphone. Then I finally started reading about BPD and watched YouTube videos about people who have BPD and what they go through. I sent her a message on fb with links to videos  and telling her how I know she doesn’t want to hear from me but I don’t want her to feel like she is alone and in know way I’m blaming our break up on her BPD and I just want her to know I’m here. She has not opened the messages yet. And looking back I honestly think I may be pushing her away.

Have not seen or spoke to her since I last saw her last Thursday. I really need to get a hold of myself and not approach her whenever I see her at school. My uni is too small so I always bump into her or see her car.

I ended up quitting the club. I was the president too but I couldn’t handle seeing her and some of the club officers were pretty toxic as well.

Thank you if you’ve read it this far.

[CryWolf]

Hey it’s kind of complicated...
a couple weeks ago I went to sit with her and she was annoyed to see me but let me sit with her and we both did our hw and didn’t talk much. She was being cold but she let me sit with her.

Then a week or so later  approached her while she was walking and I saw her give a little smile/smirk and we talked about the same club  we’re in and her grades and her new job. She really opened up to me and told me how she’s failing all her classes and etc.

Then that night. She deleted me off Snapchat during our breakup  but the new Snapchat allowed me to see her story. She was at a concert with her female friend and then I believe Snapchat alerted her that I replayed her snap story and she blocked me. My fault for this. Curiosity killed the cat .

I thought things were good with us and I felt great because she’s opened up to me that day. The next day I went to her while she was sitting down and doing her hw. I went and sat down and she told me to leave. I asked no if I can sit with her and she said “I blocked you for a reason”. Then she started packing her stuff and said “if you won’t  leave, I will” and I said “it’s fine I’ll leave.” And i asked, “are we ever going to talk again?”

And she said “no. You’re the one that didn’t want to be friends” and I said “because I wanted romance. And then I told you we can be friends Nd see where it goes” and she said “no. I gave you two chances”  then I said “okay I understand”

A week later, I went to buy some coffee in one of the buildings at our school and i saw her there. i went  up to her and told her I like her haircut. And she said thanks. She seemed annoyed again seeing me or mad. I honestly was pushing it and I couldn’t control myself. I asked if I can sit with her and she said no. I asked her if I can borrow her physics notebook and she said she will look for it and Let me know. (She never let me know). I told her I was struggling in the class and she told me “I should have taken the professor she me” and I told my her “I forgot the name” and she said “I told you twice” (this was months ago) and at that point I avoided an argument. I was sitting at a table next to hers studying and then I saw her look at her phone and start smiling. This got under my skin, she usually does this to get a rise out of me... I went up to her about 10 minutes later and asked if I can ask her something. And she said no. And i asked if i can just ask and i would leave and she sighed and said no. I tried saying bye and that I was going to class and she said “idc”. I can see i'm coming off as a pest now. I was so consumed by my anxiety that it clouded my judgement. Usually when shes like this it means for me to try harder but not now apparently.

I texted her about the notebook a few nights ago but she has me blocked on iphone. Then I finally started reading about BPD and watched YouTube videos about people who have BPD and what they go through. I started to blame myself because I really pushed her a lot for her affection and intimacy before I knew much about BPD... I sent her a message on fb with links to videos  and telling her how I know she doesn’t want to hear from me but I don’t want her to feel like she is alone and in no way am I blaming our break up on her BPD and I just want her to know I’m here and she shouldnt have to suffer and feel alone. She has not opened the messages yet. And looking back I honestly think I may be pushing her away. Idk why I keep reaching out. I keep thinking she'll respond this time. Usually it does.

I have not seen or spoke to her since I last saw herlast week. I really need to get a hold of myself and not approach her whenever I see her at school. My university is too small so I always bump into her or see her car.

I ended up quitting the club. I was the president too but I couldn’t handle seeing her and some of the club officers were pretty toxic as well.

Thank you if you’ve read it this far.

[CryWolf]

Sorry for the double post. I tried editting my last post, but it turned into two posts and i cant modify anymore to fix the issue.

[CryWolf]

Update:
I just seen her a few minutes ago sitting down with her classmate. Its midterms and they were studying, and she had a bag of pastries from my favorite place that she doesnt like. Idk why. Maybe she got it for him? Idk... I walked passed and didnt acknowledge her and she stopped her sentence when she looked at me.

I used the restroom and then walked back in that hallway, and she was walking towards my direction to the place that guy was sitting and she seemed like she was trying to hide her smile or something and I turned my head and just walked forward without eye contact. I feel so broken right now.i literally have two exams today and now i just want to cry.

Someone please help.

[once removed]

hey CryWolf,

sorry to hear youre feeling down. i have some hope for you.

its going to require you to look at the big picture. see this as more of a long term journey than day to day stuff, though i understand the days arent easy, and getting through means one day at a time.

for starters, you did the right thing. sometimes, in situations like this, it doesnt even take much for the other person to notice a change, and that gives us incentive to keep doing what works.

a lot of the approach up until today has been smothering and over pursuing. i say that gently, with the intent to help, because i have done an awful lot of smothering and over pursuing in my life when anxiety got the best of me. its hard. it took some time and practice to change, and it started to really click when i realized what i was doing was working against me, not getting the results i wanted, and that i could stop and shift gears. and some of the time, even when id already pushed some gals away, once i backed off and shifted gears, i started getting results.

it will take some time. shes going to have to first realize that you have backed off, and that its for good. that could take a number of incidents like today, for it to sink in for her. and then, most likely, shes going to feel relief. that may sound terrible, but its not, its natural, and it wont be forever. likely, after that, her emotions will start to thaw, and she will start to remember you fondly, the things she liked, and was attracted to about you. and at that point, you will have some room to work with. but i stress, again, that its going to take some time.

and taking that time is going to be painful. it was for me. all the times i didnt know what to do, but felt i had to do something, because i didnt want to lose that person, and then wound up doing something that worked against me, making things even more painful, and, frankly, prolonging my pain, because i was trying to hold on in some way. what i have learned, is that when i let go of the outcome, went through the pain, nursed my wounds, and worked on myself in the mean time, the best i could, i emerged far stronger and wiser; didnt even recognize my former self. and then everything got much brighter.

its going to take some time, and some pain, CryWolf. i know there has already been time and pain. dont run from it, and dont try to alleviate it, face it head on, because it is the way through. and there are great things on the other side, that will take you very far.

in the mean time, theres work to be done. have you had a chance to start learning the lessons and tools to the right of the board? do you have any questions about them? have you considered working with a therapist?

[CryWolf]

Thank you so much Once Removed,

Yes I know I had to walk past her and act like she meant nothing to me. I felt some power and felt better... However, I am not sure why she tried to hide a smile from seeing me though? or what even made her want to smile in the first place at me? She usually does this when we have broken up , and we walk past each other, make eye contact then interact and talk and then our relationship gets rekindled. Or she does this when she gets happy to see me or I tell her a joke at times.  I’m not sure why she felt this way towards me after all the cold encounters before. Maybe I’m overthinking it?
But as soon as I left, I started playing a million scenarios in my head. Of who this guy is and is he just a classmate or someone she likes now? Idk. I can’t take my mind off it. I ended up walking out my classroom about 30 min later and saw her with some more people, so maybe classmates? But idk.

I was seeing a therapist once every 2 weeks and that stopped but I’m starting to see the school counselor/psychologist tomorrow morning. And I have not been looking at the lessons and tools like I should have. Anywhere you recommend I start?

Thank you.

[Wildboar]

First of all, glad I could help you with my previous posts!

Also, Once removed has some good points! To sooth myself, I sometimes think "If I didn't feel sadness after a breakup, what would be the whole point of being in a relationship?".

Yes I know I had to walk past her and act like she meant nothing to me. I felt some power and felt better... However, I am not sure why she tried to hide a smile from seeing me though? or what even made her want to smile in the first place at me? She usually does this when we have broken up , and we walk past each other, make eye contact then interact and talk and then our relationship gets rekindled. Or she does this when she gets happy to see me or I tell her a joke at times.  I’m not sure why she felt this way towards me after all the cold encounters before. Maybe I’m overthinking it?
But as soon as I left, I started playing a million scenarios in my head. Of who this guy is and is he just a classmate or someone she likes now? Idk. I can’t take my mind off it. I ended up walking out my classroom about 30 min later and saw her with some more people, so maybe classmates? But idk.
Thank you.

It's hard to decode a smile, it could mean so many things. It could mean she was genuinely happy to see you, but tried to hide it as she realized that you weren't looking at her. But it might mean other things, it's hard for us to uncover her feelings from a simple facial expression.

   About the anxiety, the over-thinking; I'm a huge over-thinker, I analyze every text message in profound detail to the point of wasting all my time and exhausting myself. It's hard to master, and to be honest I haven't really learned to. I feel all kinds of anxiety when I see my ex talking to another guy. Hell, I even end up going on the map on Snapchat sometimes, to see where she is. I understand your pain, the overthinking, the scenarios, it sucks.
   Sadly I don't have much advice about it either, but what I do is try to fight negative thoughts, replace them with positive ones, and convice myself that my paranoid, anxious assumptions are usually irrational and outright false. For example, if I were to see my ex hanging out with other guys during a party, my anxious mind would think "What? She's already flirting with other dudes? How?" and boom the flow of negative thoughts, sadness, anger, deception. But I try to pause, say Wait wait wait. Is what I'm thinking logical at all?. I try to find counter examples, like the fact that I hang out with girls without flirting with them at all. Then, I try to tell myself that my fear is farfetched. The thing is, you can't simply discard anxiety; it's a part of your personality, at least in my case. So I can't just change my beliefs so easily. Instead, my way of dealing with it is telling myself Alright. I understand that her flirting with other guys is a possibility. However, I hangout with girls without flirting too, so I cannot be sure about it. I will come back to this belief that she's flirting later on, if I find more concrete proof.
   Btw, for other member, feel free to tell me if my method isn't as optimal. I know it can be improved, and it doesn't always work. But it should be better than drowning in sorrow as you convince yourself that your ex is with another guy when it's probably just a friend.


   Also, you asked me about the silent treatment on my thread. I honestly don't know. I havn't ever received it for over a day. It also depends on many factors; Sometimes the silent treatment could be a way of asking for attention, while sometimes it could be the exact opposite. It really depends on the situation I think.

[CryWolf]

Thank you for you for that WildBoar. I read that before work earlier today and really made me feel tremendously better. You and I share a lot of similar characteristics

I did my best today to not overthink or assume anything without concrete proof because it would just cause me to go insane if I obsessed over the intrusive thoughts. Plus while she was sitting with that guy, I was alone in a random classroom with a girl from my class studying.  So if my ex saw me with her I can see how it can also pan out in her perspective.

I have this positive feeling in my gut that my ex misses me and will reach out eventually. I’m not sure why I feel this way and I hope I’m not being delusional but I feel confident and I have not felt this way in quite some time. Its strange.

[once removed]

Anywhere you recommend I start?

do you see the links (tools and lessons) to the right? work your way down. id start here, with this article, and move down to the lessons and tools: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

how did the appointment with the counselor go?

[CryWolf]

do you see the links (tools and lessons) to the right? work your way down. id start here, with this article, and move down to the lessons and tools: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

how did the appointment with the counselor go?

Hey I have seen the links, and have been reading them a bit the past few days.

Appointment with the school therapist went well. He diagnosed me with adjustment anxiety. He told me it’s a bit rare but it doesn’t meet the general requirements to have anxiety. So I’m not sure. He told me I’m really compassionate towards this girl but I have to put myself first and he will help me get better. After the session I felt really good and a bit optimistic.

[CryWolf]

I cleaned out my room today and I found some stuff she gave me a while ago, like little presents for my siblings, or little notes she given me as well as some other cherished items. Im looking back now, and blaming myself a bit because she did love me in her own way and I was holding on to words more than actions. I know I didnt know about BPD before and I shouldnt blame myself but im starting to believe I did push her away by wanting more than she could give. She even mentioned this before.

I really want to get my ex a present and send it in the mail. I dont want to do it at this current moment, but maybe a month or two or three down the road. I want to get her this dslr camera that she's been wanting for a really long time. She loves photography and nature. And maybe give her a picture of us and on the back write something like "thank you for all the memories" or if thats too much a note saying "you deserve the world, so go capture it" like a lighthearted joke about taking pics. idk something cute.

I know a grand Jesture isnt going to fix things or bring her back but Looking back now I did hurt her and i feel guilty. In our last fight she told me “she really is trying with affection and intamacy, and I can’t see it.” Even though we weren’t intimate in months and she wasn’t as affectionate as she used to be and I was honestly fed up.  I was mad and I told her “she hasn’t been doing any of it and she can think what she wants”... I messed up. I truly feel like I pushed her and hurt her to the point she had to break up with me and heal. Our relationship got toxic because we couldn’t communicate and I withdrew and just became distant to protect myself.

I’m not expecting the present to bring her back but its something i always wanted to do for her. She is going through a lot and I believe she is starting to disassociate as well. But I also don’t want her to think she has all this power over me or push her away by getting her this present. I know I shouldn't think a month or two in advance but I would like advice in the meantime on this.

Any thoughts?

[CryWolf]

Im looking back now and I dont think we appreciated each other like we should have.

[CryWolf]

update: ex is talking bad about me on her social media.  

[JoeBPD81]

I'm sorry, that must feel like a knife in your back.

How are you holding up?

[CryWolf]

I'm sorry, that must feel like a knife in your back.

How are you holding up?

I’m okay. I was overthinking the message yesterday because it wasn’t true what she said about me so I’m not sure why she said it. Maybe it was to spite me and for me to reach out to her or she’s still upset about the situation. It’s childish on her part.

[once removed]

have you been avoiding contact with her?

remember what i said a week or so ago. it would not surprise me if initially, she feels some relief, anger, spite, that sort of thing, once you make it clear youre no longer pursuing her.

that wont last forever. it will take some time for emotions to thaw, but if you give her space, youre creating the space for that to happen.

[CryWolf]

have you been avoiding contact with her?

remember what i said a week or so ago. it would not surprise me if initially, she feels some relief, anger, spite, that sort of thing, once you make it clear youre no longer pursuing her.

that wont last forever. it will take some time for emotions to thaw, but if you give her space, youre creating the space for that to happen.

Hey Once removed,

I do remember what you said. I have been in no contact with her and allowing that space and time to happen. What I don't understand is why she is is angry towards me when this is what she wanted?

[once removed]

the short answer may be that without space, she hadnt had a chance to feel it. now that she does, she may be relishing it a bit.

i spent a lot of my relationship wanting to break up with my ex. then she dumped me and i was devastated and wanted her back. then i was angry and thought mean things about her and put her down in my mind. there was a phase where i aggressively sought out anything and everything i didnt feel i had the freedom to do in my relationship, and really relished it. and eventually i got to a more balanced outlook where i saw that we needed to end, but could think of her fondly.

feelings for others, especially significant others, can be complex and complicated, and subject to change. when someone walks away from us, we grieve at a certain level. we can be angry, happy, sad, everything in between, or even rapidly fluctuate.

shes just expressing an emotion that even she probably doesnt fully understand the meaning of. is she saying anything that could damage your character or reputation, smearing you?

[CryWolf]

the short answer may be that without space, she hadnt had a chance to feel it. now that she does, she may be relishing it a bit.

i spent a lot of my relationship wanting to break up with my ex. then she dumped me and i was devastated and wanted her back. then i was angry and thought mean things about her and put her down in my mind. there was a phase where i aggressively sought out anything and everything i didnt feel i had the freedom to do in my relationship, and really relished it. and eventually i got to a more balanced outlook where i saw that we needed to end, but could think of her fondly.

feelings for others, especially significant others, can be complex and complicated, and subject to change. when someone walks away from us, we grieve at a certain level. we can be angry, happy, sad, everything in between, or even rapidly fluctuate.

shes just expressing an emotion that even she probably doesnt fully understand the meaning of. is she saying anything that could damage your character or reputation, smearing you?

Hopefully she doesn't see we needed to end? I do want her back but I understand where you're coming from.

I feel like she may be mad at me like I abandoned her? not sure. As she did tell me during the initial break up that the breakup was going to be hard on her as well, and she still had feelings for me.

She isnt smearing me or anything, but she reposted something and then mentioned something about the size of my genitals, which me and her both know isn't true. She knows I look at her social media page occasionally because she has this ip tracker which tells her the location of the person who views her page, but I stopped searching her page on google and she isnt notified anymore. Its been about 2 weeks now that she isnt notified im checking up on her.

I think she wants to spite me so I can reach out and 'defend' myself and she knows she still has me? Im probably looking too much into this. I honestly don't know why she would post something that isn't true and to get a rise out of me? I know girls can be petty but she initiated the break up so why is she mad and wants to act childish?

[once removed]

this might be the understatement of the century, but BPD can be confusing.

you know about the fear of abandonment. but BPD can color so many things. in general, people with BPD are very emotional, and emotions rule the day. perceptions can be distorted. so many things can be taken very personally.

what you describe does sound like bait, and i think you are wise to stick to your guns and not engage. why would she do it? i can only guess, but i think you may be on the right track; you know her better than we do.

eventually, once you get a knack for the disorder, a lot of things, confusing as they may be, start to click and to make sense. you can learn a lot from this lesson and the links within it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187

[CryWolf]

this might be the understatement of the century, but BPD can be confusing.

you know about the fear of abandonment. but BPD can color so many things. in general, people with BPD are very emotional, and emotions rule the day. perceptions can be distorted. so many things can be taken very personally.

what you describe does sound like bait, and i think you are wise to stick to your guns and not engage. why would she do it? i can only guess, but i think you may be on the right track; you know her better than we do.

eventually, once you get a knack for the disorder, a lot of things, confusing as they may be, start to click and to make sense. you can learn a lot from this lesson and the links within it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187

Thank you for the informative link. Im only afraid that she is painting me as this bad person and forever will see me that way and wont ever see me as someone that loved her and she loved me. I know I pushed her for more than she can give and she did tell me she was doing her best and at the time i did tell her she was barely trying since we weren't intimate for a while. I have some regrets for not doing things better but i'm learning.

Whats your guess on why she might be doing it? I know her better than anyone else, but at the same time I feel like i don't know anything and i maybe in denial. I hate the feeling of uncertainty.