hey everyone this is part two to my original thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321630.50

I have copy and pasted my last post on the other thread, as well as inserted some new information.

Thank You to all those who have been helping me in my situation. You all have been my calm in the storm. To those going through similar situations, I hope my situation can prove that you are not alone in this battle.

I went on her blog today and she has multiple posts since last night with two diff guys names and she talks about. She mentions them in random posts posts about cats or shows. Then she had a post about “the ten forms of twisted thinking” and then she mentions both of them and then says “I love my boys, I know you know that”. Wtf.

She then has a post about how last night she had a conversation with someone taking their shoes off at their door.
Then she posted saying “I love touching people. Small intimate touches. Doesn’t have to be sexual”
she used to tell me all the time she’s wasnt an Intimate or affectionate person. She didn’t like to be touched at times because of her personality. So why is she saying all this NOW?
I lost it and called her. Went straight to voicemail and I’m still blocked. I ended up Facebook messaging her saying, “hey, I hope you’re doing well”

I’m a huge mess and I can not handle this anymore. I thought I was doing fine but I can’t breathe or even have a will to live at this time.

Update since last post:
I have written a letter, and am thinking of getting her something I wanted to surprise her with when we were together. I wasnt financially stable when we were together but I can afford it now. It is not to win her back or have her come back, but it is closure for me. Hopefully she paints me white again, but I honestly feel this will bring closure for me if I drop off of this gift/letter to her doorstep. What do you guys thing?

I think those two guys are her classmates Ive been seeing her with, and she may be using their company to get over me and satisfy her loneliness but I'm afraid she's going to fall in love quick and move on with one of them. I dont know. I cant focus on my own life at this point and am stuck looking on this forum and her blog.

Hi CryWolf,

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’s speculative with the other guys like once removed said but let’s entertain the idea for a moment. If you give a gift or try to message her etc she knows that she can have you at any time. I’d suggest to give her space don’t make yourself so available - make her want to have you.

i think your chances havent changed, for the worse or for the better, significantly. your chances of being better equipped to deal with her as a romantic partner have gotten better, and thats good.

lets review: you were overpursuing. it was pushing her away. you stopped doing that. that stops the bleeding, stops making things worse. in the mean time, youve worked on yourself. these are positive developments. they wont force her to talk to you, but they do increase the odds.

i think your perspective is fogged up a bit here. i say that gently, because it stands to reason, this is hard stuff. this stuff is a lot easier for outsiders who are following your story to see more clearly. from my vantage point, she is just living her life, and you are living yours. youre torturing yourself in the process, though. thats distorting the picture.


i dont think shes not seeing or talking to anyone. she may be. the evidence you are presenting that she is seeing anyone does not strike me as convincing, especially as it relates to the "two guys". in other words, its, to me, not enough to go on.


you arent friends on this medium, is that correct? theres a very good chance she may never see it. im a moderator in a group on facebook, and occasionally have to PM someone about some kind of moderation issue, and its very rare that any of them see it.


long game, CryWolf. dont self sabotage here. its when we let that mindset control our decisions that we self sabotage.

she can see that you backed off. its a bigger start than you might think, and it makes people curious, its human nature. if she thinks about you, follows any online presence you have, or even just sees you, she will tend to see it as confirmation, ie "hes changed". this too, is human nature.


thats why it helps to post, and its why we are here to walk you through it. weve been there too, we really have. i did all the same stuff with social media, i was plagued constantly by the urge to act or do something, anything. try to trust us. we may not always be "correct" about everything, but we wont steer you wrong.


is she posting about "BPD" or is she posting general self help kind of stuff that you consider related to her BPD. the post about twisted thinking is popular self help material, in fact we have it and teach it here.

blogs are full of this stuff CryWolf. half of my friends on facebook post things like that constantly. its never been a serious indicator as to where they are in life or whats going on. "i love my boys" is the kind of thing one says about close friends. nothing about what youre describing is flirtatious or indicative of a romantic relationship.


i think thats all there is to it CryWolf, no more, no less. i dont add numbers to my phone. why? im lazy.

thats not a bad tack. however, at this point, neither is this:


gotta work with what you have, because although she may be curious, the less she knows, the less she wonders, after a while. nothing wrong with posting the positive developments in your life on your social media.


okay. well, chances are she knows she has some issues, we all do. theyre the kinds of things people blog about. whether its particularly insightful or revealing though, is a whole other question. in this case, it doesnt sound like it is. its just frustrating you because it seems to contradict things shes said to you before.


i understand. remember that we spoke about certain aspects of detaching. all of those aspects are things that you can do on your own, whereas acting on it, trying to force closure can be torturing or self sabotaging. it hurts to do. we often act because we believe it will decrease or shorten our pain, but quite often its a way to remain connected in a way that prolongs the pain, and/or causes us a lot of regret.


sure, i might. action or inaction from someone close to us always feels more personal. sitting where i am, i see the fact that you were close for three years, the explanation she gave you, and they speak for themselves. at worst, she didnt do it because she knew it bugged you (and thats pure speculation, not a theory. i can be that way myself sometimes).

After my previous post regarding seeing her best friend out of the blue:

Update since last night: So last night, I told myself Im going to check her blog one more time before I delete the app from my phone. This was causing more harm than anything. It felt good to know whats going on and still feeling connecting but it just kept hurting
me.

I saw her post something saying "Whether I end up with someone or not, i want to adopt kids. Every guy I talked to never wanted to adopt or was a last option for them." I told her I wanted to adopt when we got older, so idk what the hell she is saying. Then I realized all the posts she are saying are complete opposite or not true of who I am, and a lot of the things she has said about me she knows get under my skin so maybe thats why she is still doing it. And this typically leads to me defending myself and getting a rise out of me.

All my female friends, keep telling me she does this to spite me and that they have done similar things before. Im not 100% believing my ex is doing this but it makes sense as shes done this so many times before. And I see things through rose colored glasses when it comes to her.

Once again, I shouldn't try to read minds but it makes some sense. I ended up deleting the app and have not checked her blog all day. My anxiety is through the roof. . But its progress.

fast forward to today: I was feeling down all day. I put on the best outfit I had and went to school. Something ive never worn before and felt like a gq model . I had compliments left and right from strangers. This made me feel so good, because before this I was in bed until 4pm dwelling if I wanted to leave bed and just receive F's on my quizzes for the day.

I got out of class early and proceeded to wait outside my female friends class. My ex is in the same class, and to be honest I wanted her to see my outfit and see how amazing i looked so she can eat her heart out. Petty of me, I know.    My ex came out with this guy I know and he is some what of my friend. I called his name out, and they both turn around. My ex sees me and completely runs away. She just vanished. The guy came and we talked and walked together. We have been making plans all semester to hang out.

he asked me where did (exwBPD) go? and how he thought we knew each other because he has seen us together before and was surprised she didnt say anything to me. I told him thats my ex and we talked about the one time, in the very beginning of this semester where my ex tried making me jealous by being super flirtatious with him to spite me during a school conference/seminar. She was acting so friendly and out of character with him to get under my skin, which it did. Resulting me in asking her if they were together. She did all this right after she was friendly and talkative to me that and bringing up old memories as we were presenting something for the same club we are in.This is why I assume she is doing things to spite me.

He told me about that day and how she never ever acted like that before and he was completely surprised by it and thought she liked him out of nowhere and wasnt expecting it. Ive known him for a long time too and the girls he's interested in and talk to are completely different from my ex.

I have no idea why she keeps doing these things. Im the only being hurt here, has she not hurt me enough?

I did not look at it that way Once removed. That makes a bunch more sense and my female friends are completely different people and have different personalities and are only speaking of their situations.


I really want to believe she walked off/ran off fast because she wasn’t ready to see me and maybe her feelings/emotions kicked in. It has been a month since we seen each other in any regards. But I don’t want to be full of myself or have hopeful thinking. Could also be that she got annoyed. Idk. :/

And yes, I’m not sure if you got the chance to read the post before the post you replied to (where I bumped into my exes best friend the night before at the cafe and him apologizing to me)but I am fully aware of being cautious.  

The person I talked with at my school, I asked If he could keep it between us, and he doesn’t seem the type to cause drama and all I told him about was that she’s my ex and we’re just not on speaking terms and that’s probably why she ran off when he asked about how he thought we knew each other.And he told me there are a million girls out there. The usual. And then we both talked about that moment when she was acting out of character and we laughed about it. But I didn’t say anything disrespectful or spiteful towards her as I know these situations.

I love your perspective on things. I called the guys name to get her attention so she could see me. I did this because she was saying how I dress bad on her blog, even though multiple times she says she’s likes my outfits. Anyway I wanted her to see and start to see I’m making changes. I did not want to call her name because we all agreed on no contact and wait for her to come to me. Looking back now, if I did call her name it would have pushed her away probably. Idk. But I hope my actions for her to see me didn’t push her away either. Idk.

This is so difficult. I’m trying so hard now to miss things up or push her even more away. I’m trying so hard to for her to come back that I’m losing my sanity and am losing hope each day. It feels like each day is getting more and more hopeless. It’s been 3 months now since she left me and hasn’t came back. Why am I still trying to get her back and losing my mind and going crazy? Why do I love someone so much that i can’t get out my bed and want to cry and scream.


Hey I know what you mean. I’ve only talked to two mutual people that know her and that was the last two days. I know not to ask about her or how she’s doing because it will get back to her. I don’t want her to think I’m still thinking about her. The guy from yesterday at my school, I just told him how we broke and she left me. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that? When we talked about that incident when she tried making me jealous I jokingly asked him “I didn’t know you guys were close like that” and he said “no man were just classmates and I was surprised she was even acting like that”
 And with her best friend I didn’t ask about her. I just asked if they still talk because their friendship was on again and off again and i haven’t seen him in 3 years. And All I did was tell him we broke up three months ago when he asked if we still talk. I did my best to not ask about her or show Any signs I was hung up on her or anything like that. I told him how I’m working on my clothing brand and school and he even said I looked good.

But yea both interactions I did my best to show I’m moving on and want this to get back to my ex. I hope her seeing me may have shed  some light on things. What do you guys think?

My anxiety is so high ever since I stopped checking her blog. It’s so hard for me now and I’m having constant memories I had with her. And blaming myself so much for becoming distant when I was so busy with school. I saw myself becoming more and more anxious and distant and impatient because she was always either in a pissed off mood, crisis mode and she would always be late to everything we planned. I’d be waiting 30-45 min extra waiting for her to meet me. I’m so guilty and hate myself.

Any response would be appreciated.

Haven't read your part 1, but we often think that these people, once they leave us, will change for a new relationship. They only do for a time. Then the old behavior comes back and they hurt someone new. I know it's hard to realize, but the fact that she's saying the opposite of the truth, and everything else, is very hurtful. I know you remember the good times with her, but you deserve better than to be so hurt. I believe people can change but it's very difficult. Just don't want you to beat yourself up.

Thank you for the kind words momtara. All that I am thinking about is the good memories, and things she did for me and Im blaming myself. And I know i did so much for her.


Thank you for the beautiful advice from your mother, Once removed.  

I'm trying to let go. Im clinging on to memories and telling myself that she still loves me and has feelings for me, but it doesn't look like it. I cant fathom the thought I never meant anything to her.

Sadly, I have to accept the truth that she moved on. She is no longer in my life, and wants to date other people. I did everything for this girl. I was a strong and confident person when we met, but slowly turned into someone whose depressed and a doormat to her.  I need to forgive myself and tell myself I tried everything i possibly could. I apologized, i gave her and her brother a christmas gift, I over pursued after the break up and she was cold and heartless to me.

the positives of the breakup have caused me to meet so many new people and have created new experiences for me which I should be grateful for. Sadly, I wish she was still in my life so I can experience my growth with. But I have to let it go.

I need to know she feels something for me, or that I ever mattered to her. I want to know if she's hurting as much as i am or do i not matter due based on everything from her blog or is it just a front to get attention from me? I hate not knowing and over analyzing everything. i have to detach.

She is acting completely out of character on her blog. talking about these two guys like they are her bestfriends when she just met them this semester which she never even talked about her own friends she has known for years or even me?, her wanting affection, all of a sudden making posts thinking about "male genitilia" and putting the smirk emoji, and best of yet talking bad about me. She posted negative about my weight today, knowing i'm insecure about my weight yet during my relationship didnt want me to lose weight and how she loved me how I was, and would tell me "she loves me no matter how I look".

All these things are making me wonder is this her coping mechanism? Is she doing this for negative attention, which a lot of people are suggesting that she is? Am i being delusional thinking everything is about me when it isnt? Is she doing this because its how she really feels? My mind wants to know because it needs answers after being discarded. Answers I dont think I will ever get. I need to stop the need of feeling validated from her.

The funny thing is, for the last few months I wanted to break up with her. I wanted to leave her but couldn't. I knew I wasn't getting what i deserved and was treated like ___. Yet I still tried. I was still patient for her thinking she'd change. She would tell me things such as "you're expecting me to be that girl I was when we first met, but im not her anymore". And i would always tell her I loved her for her. which i did. She'd tell me things like "you're the only person I have, please don't leave" or "i miss you" to now me not meaning anything in her world.

I have been lurking the detaching section a lot lately, which I think should help.

For the time being, even though we aren't friends on facebook I blocked her. This honestly gave me some sense of self-power for the time being. She still has a picture of us on her profile. Not sure how long this will last. She has all my notes for a specific class which she knows I need back to study for a test this summer. So if she does care about me she would have to contact me to give my notes back. But knowing her, she'd use the excuse of me blocking her on facebook and say "its my fault that she couldnt contact me". She could unblock me on imessage or email me, but if she doesnt care about me and knowing how much I need my notes back, it'll show me a lot about she felt about me.

Hey WIldboar,
Thank you for your response. Seeing that really helped my anxiety and made me calm down. I am trying to be better at radical acceptance at the moment and being open to everything.

She is not specifically mentioning my name but she says things like "all the guys I talked to before" or "my exes" etc. she's only been with two guys. Her abusive ex before me and myself. She knows I hate being compared to him because of how much he hurt her. This stopped for a long period of time. But when shes really really mad she would compare me to him and say things like "my ex was never as bad as you". And that would hurt me because, he hurt her, abused her emotionally, left her alone and forgot about her, serious traumatic things. And I'm someone who would hand her the world on a silver platter with a side of bbq sauce . You get the gist. She knows what gets under my skin, being ignored/silent treatment and being compared to people. I am my own individual and hate being compared like i'm an object. Yet this was her way of getting back at me.
But I have this gut feeling she is talking about me because the details are very specific and I have this intuition.

Hm, that puts things into a different perspective if we go with the second scenario. She has mentioned during one of our prior-breakups, along the lines of her "not being sure what she wants" and "she's scared that she will regret breaking up with me and she is making a huge mistake". 

my emotions and particularly my anxiety were all over the place. its a wild ride. this is a good place to share, and get feedback, we can help you work through it.


its a huge pain in the butt not to have your notes, but it is probably not at the forefront of her mind. are the notes something that you can write off?

this is a support group man weve been there, we get it, and a "Reversing a breakup" type situation is an especially intense one. 


i want to make a small distinction here: not taking things to heart is good. thats not the same thing as ignoring them or condoning them or making excuses for them. as an adult, shes responsible for her emotions, statements, actions. big picture, dont just accept disrespect, it invites more of it.


i would grit my teeth and do this. asking for them back would probably not be your best "in".

So I walk to my class and the guy is sitting outside my class. There is another bench next to him so I decided to sit and pretend to study to see if my ex would come. My anxiety is upppppp. I should have skipped class. I really want to move or something.

Update: she didn’t come and he walked up to class. But I think he knows about me.

this sounds like a power struggle. sometimes that can lead to over compensating one way or another. living our values and boundaries teaches others that we arent doormats. doing so builds confidence, which is attractive.

yes, its wise to choose our battles, and brush some things off. i think in any healthy relationship though, we cant let a fear of losing our partner rule us, or it can become the basis of the relationship.


beating yourself up doesnt get you anywhere. learning from it does.


have you considered seeing a doctor or therapist about it? i know from experience it can be hard to see things clearly, make good decisions, or sometimes even function.


well, those are three very different scenarios that i would say apply to literally everyone.

it can be very comforting to arrive here and realize we arent alone in our struggles with some very difficult people. it can be so comforting that we start to see all of these relationships as the same and apply it to our situation. every relationship is complex and unique. its easy to lose sight of, but if you read black and white, absolute, things that people with BPD traits "always do", id go ahead and filter that out.

as to how do deal with the thoughts? Radical Acceptance. the two of you arent currently together. the possibilities of her getting into a new relationship or not coming back are real possibilities; not comforting possibilities, but real possibilities. the key for me is reminding myself of that (reality testing) and accepting reality for what it is. it also includes me living my life in the same way. you deciding you dont want to be with her, and/or finding someone else is also a real possibility.

but i would remind you, if it helps, that i dont see any of that as a significant long term threat to you. if she flirts with or gets involved with someone (or vice versa) that doesnt necessarily mean the two of you wont find your way back to each other down the road, under better circumstances.