Is it hopeless to get her back?

[CryWolf]

hey everyone this is part two to my original thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321630.50

I have copy and pasted my last post on the other thread, as well as inserted some new information.

Thank You to all those who have been helping me in my situation. You all have been my calm in the storm. To those going through similar situations, I hope my situation can prove that you are not alone in this battle.

I went on her blog today and she has multiple posts since last night with two diff guys names and she talks about. She mentions them in random posts posts about cats or shows. Then she had a post about “the ten forms of twisted thinking” and then she mentions both of them and then says “I love my boys, I know you know that”. Wtf.

She then has a post about how last night she had a conversation with someone taking their shoes off at their door.
Then she posted saying “I love touching people. Small intimate touches. Doesn’t have to be sexual”
she used to tell me all the time she’s wasnt an Intimate or affectionate person. She didn’t like to be touched at times because of her personality. So why is she saying all this NOW?
I lost it and called her. Went straight to voicemail and I’m still blocked. I ended up Facebook messaging her saying, “hey, I hope you’re doing well”

I’m a huge mess and I can not handle this anymore. I thought I was doing fine but I can’t breathe or even have a will to live at this time.

Update since last post:
I have written a letter, and am thinking of getting her something I wanted to surprise her with when we were together. I wasnt financially stable when we were together but I can afford it now. It is not to win her back or have her come back, but it is closure for me. Hopefully she paints me white again, but I honestly feel this will bring closure for me if I drop off of this gift/letter to her doorstep. What do you guys thing?

I think those two guys are her classmates Ive been seeing her with, and she may be using their company to get over me and satisfy her loneliness but I'm afraid she's going to fall in love quick and move on with one of them. I dont know. I cant focus on my own life at this point and am stuck looking on this forum and her blog.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

it isnt hopeless to get her back. in the big picture, nothing has changed.

looking at her blog is keeping you "in it", so to speak, and makes every moment feel increasingly desperate. i wont try to convince you not to, but you should be aware that it may be distorting your perspective on this.

Radical Acceptance: it is possible she will see someone else. none of the information you are presenting indicates to me that she is. if she does, of course it is going to hurt, but having been there myself, and being outside of your situation at the same time, i can tell you that it is not a long term threat to you, might even be a good thing in the long term.

remember what i said about going through pain to get to the other side. youre grieving a bit, CryWolf. its natural. it hurts like crazy, but believe me when i tell you that it will pass. but all of this stuff is not anything you need to know, or want to know, or has any real effect in the long term.

youre playing a long game. remember that. dont lose sight of it. dont get too caught up in what happens day to day.

and dont act on impulse. its all i wanted to do when i was going through it. to friends and family, i would make a case for how desperate everything was and how i needed to act. they would always talk me down. now, even several years later, im grateful for that.

avoid immediate gratification, or desperation. ride this out. keep doing what youre doing.

has she replied to the facebook message?

[Mutt]

Hi CryWolf,

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’s speculative with the other guys like once removed said but let’s entertain the idea for a moment. If you give a gift or try to message her etc she knows that she can have you at any time. I’d suggest to give her space don’t make yourself so available - make her want to have you.

[CryWolf]

Thank you for the encouraging words JoeBPD81. I feel like my generation is doomed for romantic relationships.

Nwish you mentioned "We want instant gratification. It’s hard to step away and let things run the course when you feel like your only chance is to play the game in order to keep a connection. I often wonder if he’s just waiting for me to beg for him back and he’s thinking I must not care if I’m silent. Sucky, everyday thinking this way is so painful. "

This is how it feels. I tell myself is she testing me? Is her BPD pushing me away and wants to see how much i can take? is she pushing me away because she's done or she doesn't want to hurt me anymore/hurt herself anymore? what is going on. It feels hopeless when you are not in control. I have been reading about the illusion of action.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to respond to my situation and give your insight. I hope you feel better.

Hey Wildboar  
Its shocking how we are both in a very similar position. You are right about not knowing what her posts are entitling. I hate not knowing. It is driving me crazy. I need answers or some closure. I need to know if she still cares or she doesn't and moved on. I could stop checking her blog but I keep checking for answers.

it isnt hopeless to get her back. in the big picture, nothing has changed.

Radical Acceptance: it is possible she will see someone else. none of the information you are presenting indicates to me that she is. if she does, of course it is going to hurt, but having been there myself, and being outside of your situation at the same time, i can tell you that it is not a long term threat to you, might even be a good thing in the long term.

and dont act on impulse. its all i wanted to do when i was going through it. to friends and family, i would make a case for how desperate everything was and how i needed to act. they would always talk me down. now, even several years later, im grateful for that.

avoid immediate gratification, or desperation. ride this out. keep doing what youre doing.

has she replied to the facebook message?

You still think i have a chance, after her telling me "Shes done with me" and not talking to me for three months now? I thought she would unblock me by now. Its very hard to be hopeful right now.

What makes me angry is she says "I love my boys" and "i hope you know I love you" regarding to these guys  shes only known this semester. Wtf? and she would hardly tell me she loved me for three years. And all these posts about intimacy and affection all of a sudden has to mean something. Especially when she said she was none of these things. What the heck?

Once removed, what makes you think she isn't seeing/talking to anyone now?

She has not looked at the message, and she will not open it or reply to it. I believe she will swipe to delete it.

I am suggesting she is angry at me for not wanting to be friends with her after she broke up with me and is blaming me for leaving her. Now she is trying to fill this void with these two guys. It is breaking my heart. she is bringing them over to the house, when she stopped bringing me over because her parents didnt like me due to my race.

Hi CryWolf,

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It’s speculative with the other guys like once removed said but let’s entertain the idea for a moment. If you give a gift or try to message her etc she knows that she can have you at any time. I’d suggest to give her space don’t make yourself so available - make her want to have you.

Thank you for the kind words, Mutt. You're right about this. But you dont think this will make her see I love her, and she starts painting me white? Im trying my very best to keep this policy intact. However, I am getting restless and desperate for some communication from her or some sign from her.

[once removed]

You still think i have a chance, after her telling me "Shes done with me" and not talking to me for three months now? I thought she would unblock me by now. Its very hard to be hopeful right now.

i think your chances havent changed, for the worse or for the better, significantly. your chances of being better equipped to deal with her as a romantic partner have gotten better, and thats good.

lets review: you were overpursuing. it was pushing her away. you stopped doing that. that stops the bleeding, stops making things worse. in the mean time, youve worked on yourself. these are positive developments. they wont force her to talk to you, but they do increase the odds.

i think your perspective is fogged up a bit here. i say that gently, because it stands to reason, this is hard stuff. this stuff is a lot easier for outsiders who are following your story to see more clearly. from my vantage point, she is just living her life, and you are living yours. youre torturing yourself in the process, though. thats distorting the picture.

Once removed, what makes you think she isn't seeing/talking to anyone now?

i dont think shes not seeing or talking to anyone. she may be. the evidence you are presenting that she is seeing anyone does not strike me as convincing, especially as it relates to the "two guys". in other words, its, to me, not enough to go on.

She has not looked at the message, and she will not open it or reply to it. I believe she will swipe to delete it.

you arent friends on this medium, is that correct? theres a very good chance she may never see it. im a moderator in a group on facebook, and occasionally have to PM someone about some kind of moderation issue, and its very rare that any of them see it.

I am getting restless and desperate for some communication from her or some sign from her.

long game, CryWolf. dont self sabotage here. its when we let that mindset control our decisions that we self sabotage.

[CryWolf]

i think your chances havent changed, for the worse or for the better, significantly. your chances of being better equipped to deal with her as a romantic partner have gotten better, and thats good.

lets review: you were overpursuing. it was pushing her away. you stopped doing that. that stops the bleeding, stops making things worse. in the mean time, youve worked on yourself. these are positive developments. they wont force her to talk to you, but they do increase the odds.

You're right I am learning everyday and becoming better equipped with the tools I need to make a relationship healthy and prospering. i am learning the mistakes that occured in the past, but how can she see this?

i think your perspective is fogged up a bit here. i say that gently, because it stands to reason, this is hard stuff. this stuff is a lot easier for outsiders who are following your story to see more clearly. from my vantage point, she is just living her life, and you are living yours. youre torturing yourself in the process, though. thats distorting the picture.

I see your point here! When I see other users posts on this forum and see their situation, i feel like I give concrete advice and know the tools to help. however in my situation im so tunnel-visioned that I lose sight by my fears and psyche.

i dont think shes not seeing or talking to anyone. she may be. the evidence you are presenting that she is seeing anyone does not strike me as convincing, especially as it relates to the "two guys". in other words, its, to me, not enough to go on.

you arent friends on this medium, is that correct? theres a very good chance she may never see it. im a moderator in a group on facebook, and occasionally have to PM someone about some kind of moderation issue, and its very rare that any of them see it.

long game, CryWolf. dont self sabotage here. its when we let that mindset control our decisions that we self sabotage.

The reason I'm assuming she is feeling something for these guys is because she had a post talking about twisted thinking, and how to stop thinking and finally talking about her BPD symptoms. And underneath she tags both of their names and then says "I love my boys" and "i hope you know that". I keep mentioning this because it has to mean something. Why is she now discussing her BPD and how does it involved these two guys? Ugh.

We are not friends on facebook. We have not been friends on facebook since 2016 when she deleted me for the second time because we got in a stupid argument and she wanted to end things. I wasnt going to add her again just to be deleted again. She would message me all the time on facebook and send me videos and memes, and jokes on facebook to things I would like. Looking back now, this was her way of showing me she loved me. I was a fool to not see this at first. Anyways, Im not sure if she gets the messages or not. The ones I sent 2 months ago, it was shown to me that she seen them.

One other thing that bothered me in the relationship was, that she never saved my number. She knew how much this bothered me and I would address it. Yet she never saved my number. She told me "that there was no point in saving it because she would just delete it again when we fight". Or "its just a phone number, get over it". Is there any meaning to this? Was I just a rebound for her past relationship until I was discarded?

[once removed]

but how can she see this?

she can see that you backed off. its a bigger start than you might think, and it makes people curious, its human nature. if she thinks about you, follows any online presence you have, or even just sees you, she will tend to see it as confirmation, ie "hes changed". this too, is human nature.

I see your point here! When I see other users posts on this forum and see their situation, i feel like I give concrete advice and know the tools to help. however in my situation im so tunnel-visioned that I lose sight by my fears and psyche.

thats why it helps to post, and its why we are here to walk you through it. weve been there too, we really have. i did all the same stuff with social media, i was plagued constantly by the urge to act or do something, anything. try to trust us. we may not always be "correct" about everything, but we wont steer you wrong.

The reason I'm assuming she is feeling something for these guys is because she had a post talking about twisted thinking, and how to stop thinking and finally talking about her BPD symptoms. And underneath she tags both of their names and then says "I love my boys" and "i hope you know that". I keep mentioning this because it has to mean something. Why is she now discussing her BPD and how does it involved these two guys? Ugh.

is she posting about "BPD" or is she posting general self help kind of stuff that you consider related to her BPD. the post about twisted thinking is popular self help material, in fact we have it and teach it here.

blogs are full of this stuff CryWolf. half of my friends on facebook post things like that constantly. its never been a serious indicator as to where they are in life or whats going on. "i love my boys" is the kind of thing one says about close friends. nothing about what youre describing is flirtatious or indicative of a romantic relationship.

She told me "that there was no point in saving it because she would just delete it again when we fight"

i think thats all there is to it CryWolf, no more, no less. i dont add numbers to my phone. why? im lazy.

[CryWolf]

she can see that you backed off. its a bigger start than you might think, and it makes people curious, its human nature. if she thinks about you, follows any online presence you have, or even just sees you, she will tend to see it as confirmation, ie "hes changed". this too, is human nature.

I havent posted anything on my instagram in a month or so to cause mystery. I know she used to stalk my instagram maybe I should post more. I recently picked up a nice camera to get into photography. It was something we shared together but didnt have a camera ourselves. Maybe this will show her something.

is she posting about "BPD" or is she posting general self help kind of stuff that you consider related to her BPD. the post about twisted thinking is popular self help material, in fact we have it and teach it here.

She did not mention BPD but I did see it on this group and read up on it and felt it correlated with it.

blogs are full of this stuff CryWolf. half of my friends on facebook post things like that constantly. its never been a serious indicator as to where they are in life or whats going on. "i love my boys" is the kind of thing one says about close friends. nothing about what youre describing is flirtatious or indicative of a romantic relationship.

i think thats all there is to it CryWolf, no more, no less. i dont add numbers to my phone. why? im lazy.

Your right. I am trying to prove something that may or not be there. I am looking for some closure or some proof or anything. i am driving myself crazy.

You wouldnt get mad or upset that after three years they still didn't save your number? Like you wouldn't feel like less important to them? Thats how I felt.

thats why it helps to post, and its why we are here to walk you through it. weve been there too, we really have. i did all the same stuff with social media, i was plagued constantly by the urge to act or do something, anything. try to trust us. we may not always be "correct" about everything, but we wont steer you wrong.

I appreciate you all. I dont know where I would be if i had not find this group. i was going crazy and thinking i was the one who had BPD. My ex was calling me abusive after i told her she was abusive. I was in a darker place than I am today. Its hard seeing her blog and she doesnt even acknowledge me or anything of the relationship. Its hard she doesnt even want to try or talk to me. Relationships are so hard, i dont think I can do this again.

[once removed]

I havent posted anything on my instagram in a month or so to cause mystery.

thats not a bad tack. however, at this point, neither is this:

I know she used to stalk my instagram maybe I should post more.

gotta work with what you have, because although she may be curious, the less she knows, the less she wonders, after a while. nothing wrong with posting the positive developments in your life on your social media.

She did not mention BPD but I did see it on this group and read up on it and felt it correlated with it.

okay. well, chances are she knows she has some issues, we all do. theyre the kinds of things people blog about. whether its particularly insightful or revealing though, is a whole other question. in this case, it doesnt sound like it is. its just frustrating you because it seems to contradict things shes said to you before.

I am looking for some closure or some proof or anything. i am driving myself crazy.

i understand. remember that we spoke about certain aspects of detaching. all of those aspects are things that you can do on your own, whereas acting on it, trying to force closure can be torturing or self sabotaging. it hurts to do. we often act because we believe it will decrease or shorten our pain, but quite often its a way to remain connected in a way that prolongs the pain, and/or causes us a lot of regret.

You wouldnt get mad or upset that after three years they still didn't save your number? Like you wouldn't feel like less important to them? Thats how I felt.

sure, i might. action or inaction from someone close to us always feels more personal. sitting where i am, i see the fact that you were close for three years, the explanation she gave you, and they speak for themselves. at worst, she didnt do it because she knew it bugged you (and thats pure speculation, not a theory. i can be that way myself sometimes).

[CryWolf]

Hey guys, so something very very strange happened tonight. I decided to go to this cafe and work on my clothing brand and clear my mind. I went, and then I see my exes male bestfriend come in the cafe.

Backstory: I met him when I first met my ex 3 years ago. At the time, my ex lied to me/split her ex and another person (both being the same person) and how she was talking to two diff guys and wanted her options open. He told me the truth, and how they were the same guy and I told him about something personal me and her did (sexual) and asked if he could keep a secret. I realized this was stupid and bestfriends talk. I thought "bro code" would work when i didnt even know the guy. Learned my lesson. He ended up telling her and was upset and then she was mad at me for telling him what me and her did and how it ruined her friendship. I never saw him again, but I never had any problems towards him. They were still friends however. 

Fast forward to today: I went up to him and said "hello" and he apologized for what he did to me and broke our secret of what I told him. he told me he was surprised I would even go up to him and thought I hated him. i told him no, and i never had any grudges to him. I asked how he was doing, and asked if they still talk. I didn't ask about her though. He said "yea here and there". He asked if we still talk and i told him,no we broke up three months ago and he said hes sorry to hear.
And then he invited me to play some card games with his friends and we had a good time. I got his number and told him if he ever wanted to hang out we should hang out. He told me how good it felt to clear all that off his chest and how sorry he was over text.

Im not sure what any of this means, but I feel like I took the high road here and I feel a bit better from before. I know this somehow will get back to her. 

[CryWolf]

After my previous post regarding seeing her best friend out of the blue:

Update since last night: So last night, I told myself Im going to check her blog one more time before I delete the app from my phone. This was causing more harm than anything. It felt good to know whats going on and still feeling connecting but it just kept hurting
me.

I saw her post something saying "Whether I end up with someone or not, i want to adopt kids. Every guy I talked to never wanted to adopt or was a last option for them." I told her I wanted to adopt when we got older, so idk what the hell she is saying. Then I realized all the posts she are saying are complete opposite or not true of who I am, and a lot of the things she has said about me she knows get under my skin so maybe thats why she is still doing it. And this typically leads to me defending myself and getting a rise out of me.

All my female friends, keep telling me she does this to spite me and that they have done similar things before. Im not 100% believing my ex is doing this but it makes sense as shes done this so many times before. And I see things through rose colored glasses when it comes to her.

Once again, I shouldn't try to read minds but it makes some sense. I ended up deleting the app and have not checked her blog all day. My anxiety is through the roof. . But its progress.

fast forward to today: I was feeling down all day. I put on the best outfit I had and went to school. Something ive never worn before and felt like a gq model . I had compliments left and right from strangers. This made me feel so good, because before this I was in bed until 4pm dwelling if I wanted to leave bed and just receive F's on my quizzes for the day.

I got out of class early and proceeded to wait outside my female friends class. My ex is in the same class, and to be honest I wanted her to see my outfit and see how amazing i looked so she can eat her heart out. Petty of me, I know.    My ex came out with this guy I know and he is some what of my friend. I called his name out, and they both turn around. My ex sees me and completely runs away. She just vanished. The guy came and we talked and walked together. We have been making plans all semester to hang out.

he asked me where did (exwBPD) go? and how he thought we knew each other because he has seen us together before and was surprised she didnt say anything to me. I told him thats my ex and we talked about the one time, in the very beginning of this semester where my ex tried making me jealous by being super flirtatious with him to spite me during a school conference/seminar. She was acting so friendly and out of character with him to get under my skin, which it did. Resulting me in asking her if they were together. She did all this right after she was friendly and talkative to me that and bringing up old memories as we were presenting something for the same club we are in.This is why I assume she is doing things to spite me.

He told me about that day and how she never ever acted like that before and he was completely surprised by it and thought she liked him out of nowhere and wasnt expecting it. Ive known him for a long time too and the girls he's interested in and talk to are completely different from my ex.

I have no idea why she keeps doing these things. Im the only being hurt here, has she not hurt me enough?

[once removed]

All my female friends, keep telling me she does this to spite me and that they have done similar things before.

keep in mind, that your friends may be projecting a bit in terms of themselves and their own experiences.

i had a female friend tell me that i was in denial, and that my ex probably wasnt even given me a second thought. not the most gentle of wording, and turns out it was untrue, but she was really reflecting her experience, not mine or my exs.

fast forward to today: I was feeling down all day. I put on the best outfit I had and went to school. Something ive never worn before and felt like a gq model . I had compliments left and right from strangers. This made me feel so good, because before this I was in bed until 4pm dwelling if I wanted to leave bed and just receive F's on my quizzes for the day.

thats the spirit. there will be moments, and there will be days. when we bounce back, they can seem very distant.

My ex sees me and completely runs away. She just vanished.

any thoughts as to why?

as to the meetups with your guy friends, tread lightly CryWolf. theres mutual discussion about her, and theres a likelihood of these things getting back to her. do you want that?

[CryWolf]

keep in mind, that your friends may be projecting a bit in terms of themselves and their own experiences.

i had a female friend tell me that i was in denial, and that my ex probably wasnt even given me a second thought. not the most gentle of wording, and turns out it was untrue, but she was really reflecting her experience, not mine or my exs.

I did not look at it that way Once removed. That makes a bunch more sense and my female friends are completely different people and have different personalities and are only speaking of their situations.

any thoughts as to why?

as to the meetups with your guy friends, tread lightly CryWolf. theres mutual discussion about her, and theres a likelihood of these things getting back to her. do you want that?

I really want to believe she walked off/ran off fast because she wasn’t ready to see me and maybe her feelings/emotions kicked in. It has been a month since we seen each other in any regards. But I don’t want to be full of myself or have hopeful thinking. Could also be that she got annoyed. Idk. :/

And yes, I’m not sure if you got the chance to read the post before the post you replied to (where I bumped into my exes best friend the night before at the cafe and him apologizing to me)but I am fully aware of being cautious.  

The person I talked with at my school, I asked If he could keep it between us, and he doesn’t seem the type to cause drama and all I told him about was that she’s my ex and we’re just not on speaking terms and that’s probably why she ran off when he asked about how he thought we knew each other.And he told me there are a million girls out there. The usual. And then we both talked about that moment when she was acting out of character and we laughed about it. But I didn’t say anything disrespectful or spiteful towards her as I know these situations.

[once removed]

I really want to believe she walked off/ran off fast because she wasn’t ready to see me and maybe her feelings/emotions kicked in. It has been a month since we seen each other in any regards. But I don’t want to be full of myself or have hopeful thinking. Could also be that she got annoyed. Idk. :/

well, you did address the friend, and not her. its also possible that she thought you didnt want to talk to her... .theres really no telling. i dont think its a bad thing necessarily.

The person I talked with at my school, I asked If he could keep it between us, and he doesn’t seem the type to cause drama and all I told him about was that she’s my ex and we’re just not on speaking terms and that’s probably why she ran off when he asked about how he thought we knew each other.And he told me there are a million girls out there. The usual. And then we both talked about that moment when she was acting out of character and we laughed about it. But I didn’t say anything disrespectful or spiteful towards her as I know these situations.

the reason i ask, is because a lot of us do this, if not subconsciously, in order to remain connected, but there can be numerous consequences. is there any of that going on, do you think?

[CryWolf]

well, you did address the friend, and not her. its also possible that she thought you didnt want to talk to her... .theres really no telling. i dont think its a bad thing necessarily

I love your perspective on things. I called the guys name to get her attention so she could see me. I did this because she was saying how I dress bad on her blog, even though multiple times she says she’s likes my outfits. Anyway I wanted her to see and start to see I’m making changes. I did not want to call her name because we all agreed on no contact and wait for her to come to me. Looking back now, if I did call her name it would have pushed her away probably. Idk. But I hope my actions for her to see me didn’t push her away either. Idk.

This is so difficult. I’m trying so hard now to miss things up or push her even more away. I’m trying so hard to for her to come back that I’m losing my sanity and am losing hope each day. It feels like each day is getting more and more hopeless. It’s been 3 months now since she left me and hasn’t came back. Why am I still trying to get her back and losing my mind and going crazy? Why do I love someone so much that i can’t get out my bed and want to cry and scream.

the reason i ask, is because a lot of us do this, if not subconsciously, in order to remain connected, but there can be numerous consequences. is there any of that going on, do you think?

Hey I know what you mean. I’ve only talked to two mutual people that know her and that was the last two days. I know not to ask about her or how she’s doing because it will get back to her. I don’t want her to think I’m still thinking about her. The guy from yesterday at my school, I just told him how we broke and she left me. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that? When we talked about that incident when she tried making me jealous I jokingly asked him “I didn’t know you guys were close like that” and he said “no man were just classmates and I was surprised she was even acting like that”
 And with her best friend I didn’t ask about her. I just asked if they still talk because their friendship was on again and off again and i haven’t seen him in 3 years. And All I did was tell him we broke up three months ago when he asked if we still talk. I did my best to not ask about her or show Any signs I was hung up on her or anything like that. I told him how I’m working on my clothing brand and school and he even said I looked good.

But yea both interactions I did my best to show I’m moving on and want this to get back to my ex. I hope her seeing me may have shed  some light on things. What do you guys think?

My anxiety is so high ever since I stopped checking her blog. It’s so hard for me now and I’m having constant memories I had with her. And blaming myself so much for becoming distant when I was so busy with school. I saw myself becoming more and more anxious and distant and impatient because she was always either in a pissed off mood, crisis mode and she would always be late to everything we planned. I’d be waiting 30-45 min extra waiting for her to meet me. I’m so guilty and hate myself.

Any response would be appreciated.

[CryWolf]

I highly think she is ever going to come back. Im having racing thoughts and anxiety right now at 3am. i hate feeling like this. Im in a constant battle against myself for someone who doesn't care about me. I gave in and checked her blog. No posts about me. Just posts about her friends (the two guys), and how no one wants to be in a relationship with her. She also has posts about self improvemnt and for her depression like little things to tell herself, and i told her about these when we were together but she now posted it with one of her male friends names. I also gave her grocery tips because she wouldnt like to get groceries before, now she posts it with his name as well. Its like nothing i suggested or did for her during our relationship even effing mattered but now since her friends are saying it she wants to consider it all. what the heck

[momtara]

Haven't read your part 1, but we often think that these people, once they leave us, will change for a new relationship. They only do for a time. Then the old behavior comes back and they hurt someone new. I know it's hard to realize, but the fact that she's saying the opposite of the truth, and everything else, is very hurtful. I know you remember the good times with her, but you deserve better than to be so hurt. I believe people can change but it's very difficult. Just don't want you to beat yourself up.

[once removed]

This is so difficult. I’m trying so hard now to miss things up or push her even more away. I’m trying so hard to for her to come back that I’m losing my sanity and am losing hope each day. It feels like each day is getting more and more hopeless. It’s been 3 months now since she left me and hasn’t came back. Why am I still trying to get her back and losing my mind and going crazy? Why do I love someone so much that i can’t get out my bed and want to cry and scream.

clinging to hope can do this.

i remember having a conversation with my mom about a month or so out of my relationship. at the time, i really needed to cling to hope. there was a part of me that didnt want to go back, and a part of me that did. my hope got a little fantastical, casablanca like scenarios. i wasnt ready to let go of the old relationship.

im not telling you to "give up hope". my mom told me to put it aside. to put it in the bottom of my heart. to not dwell on it, or live my life around it. id give you the same advice.

let go of the old relationship. mourn it. grieve it.

there likely will not be a scenario under which she realizes the error of her ways, makes it all up to you, and the two of you live happily ever after.

and i want to be clear, that doesnt mean there is no hope, or that the two of you wont get back together. but if it happens, it just likely wont look like youre expecting it to, or be on the timeline you want or are expecting. this is a long game. when i was in drivers ed, they taught me to keep my eyes well ahead of the spot i was driving in, and the odd thing is that when you do, you drive more smoothly, you take those turns more smoothly.

switch gears from rebuilding for her to rebuilding for you, and your future, with an openness to whatever it may bring or not bring.

i think that you will find that if you make this adjustment, with your eyes down the road, that your circumstances and your attitude will change for the better.

[CryWolf]

Thank you for the kind words momtara. All that I am thinking about is the good memories, and things she did for me and Im blaming myself. And I know i did so much for her.

let go of the old relationship. mourn it. grieve it.

there likely will not be a scenario under which she realizes the error of her ways, makes it all up to you, and the two of you live happily ever after.

and i want to be clear, that doesnt mean there is no hope, or that the two of you wont get back together. but if it happens, it just likely wont look like youre expecting it to, or be on the timeline you want or are expecting. this is a long game. when i was in drivers ed, they taught me to keep my eyes well ahead of the spot i was driving in, and the odd thing is that when you do, you drive more smoothly, you take those turns more smoothly.

switch gears from rebuilding for her to rebuilding for you, and your future, with an openness to whatever it may bring or not bring.

i think that you will find that if you make this adjustment, with your eyes down the road, that your circumstances and your attitude will change for the better.

Thank you for the beautiful advice from your mother, Once removed.  

I'm trying to let go. Im clinging on to memories and telling myself that she still loves me and has feelings for me, but it doesn't look like it. I cant fathom the thought I never meant anything to her.

Sadly, I have to accept the truth that she moved on. She is no longer in my life, and wants to date other people. I did everything for this girl. I was a strong and confident person when we met, but slowly turned into someone whose depressed and a doormat to her.  I need to forgive myself and tell myself I tried everything i possibly could. I apologized, i gave her and her brother a christmas gift, I over pursued after the break up and she was cold and heartless to me.

the positives of the breakup have caused me to meet so many new people and have created new experiences for me which I should be grateful for. Sadly, I wish she was still in my life so I can experience my growth with. But I have to let it go.

I need to know she feels something for me, or that I ever mattered to her. I want to know if she's hurting as much as i am or do i not matter due based on everything from her blog or is it just a front to get attention from me? I hate not knowing and over analyzing everything. i have to detach.

She is acting completely out of character on her blog. talking about these two guys like they are her bestfriends when she just met them this semester which she never even talked about her own friends she has known for years or even me?, her wanting affection, all of a sudden making posts thinking about "male genitilia" and putting the smirk emoji, and best of yet talking bad about me. She posted negative about my weight today, knowing i'm insecure about my weight yet during my relationship didnt want me to lose weight and how she loved me how I was, and would tell me "she loves me no matter how I look".

All these things are making me wonder is this her coping mechanism? Is she doing this for negative attention, which a lot of people are suggesting that she is? Am i being delusional thinking everything is about me when it isnt? Is she doing this because its how she really feels? My mind wants to know because it needs answers after being discarded. Answers I dont think I will ever get. I need to stop the need of feeling validated from her.

The funny thing is, for the last few months I wanted to break up with her. I wanted to leave her but couldn't. I knew I wasn't getting what i deserved and was treated like ___. Yet I still tried. I was still patient for her thinking she'd change. She would tell me things such as "you're expecting me to be that girl I was when we first met, but im not her anymore". And i would always tell her I loved her for her. which i did. She'd tell me things like "you're the only person I have, please don't leave" or "i miss you" to now me not meaning anything in her world.

I have been lurking the detaching section a lot lately, which I think should help.

For the time being, even though we aren't friends on facebook I blocked her. This honestly gave me some sense of self-power for the time being. She still has a picture of us on her profile. Not sure how long this will last. She has all my notes for a specific class which she knows I need back to study for a test this summer. So if she does care about me she would have to contact me to give my notes back. But knowing her, she'd use the excuse of me blocking her on facebook and say "its my fault that she couldnt contact me". She could unblock me on imessage or email me, but if she doesnt care about me and knowing how much I need my notes back, it'll show me a lot about she felt about me.

[Wildboar]

Hi Crywolf,

I understand how hard it must be to accept such a thing. Don't be so hard on yourself like being sure she never cared about you, I don't think it's true. I'm sure she truly loved you when she said so, she had no reason to lie to you. The relationship dynamics just didn't go well and made it too unstable, but it doesn't mean that she manipulated you during over 3 years! It just means it didn't work out. And it's a good thing to accept it, which I see you're determined to do 
It is good though to not hate yourself for what happened! I notice you're not releasing the guilt on yourself as much as before, which is a good reflex for situations like this I think.

She is acting completely out of character on her blog. talking about these two guys like they are her bestfriends when she just met them this semester which she never even talked about her own friends she has known for years or even me?, her wanting affection, all of a sudden making posts thinking about "male genitilia" and putting the smirk emoji, and best of yet talking bad about me. She posted negative about my weight today, knowing i'm insecure about my weight yet during my relationship didnt want me to lose weight and how she loved me how I was, and would tell me "she loves me no matter how I look".

All these things are making me wonder is this her coping mechanism? Is she doing this for negative attention, which a lot of people are suggesting that she is? Am i being delusional thinking everything is about me when it isnt? Is she doing this because its how she really feels? My mind wants to know because it needs answers after being discarded. Answers I dont think I will ever get. I need to stop the need of feeling validated from her.

Was she talking directly at you, like mentioning your name?
This behavior is pretty interesting, because it means she obviously didn't forget you.
My guess would be that either her BPD made her hate you so much that she needs to release that anger directly at you, or she's trying to make herself believe that you're a bad person to cope with the pain?
The second scenario seems more likely, the basic functioning of BPD, at least from my experience, is that the pwBPD has abandonment fears, so they reject the person as best they can before they can be rejected. It's a bit extreme to publicly post about it, but after all it seems like a way to cope with the act of dumping you, something that she didn't want to do but felt compelled to do because of her fears.
That's my guess at all of this, I'm sure the others have much more knowledge and will be able to give you a more precise/different explanation!

[CryWolf]

Was she talking directly at you, like mentioning your name?
This behavior is pretty interesting, because it means she obviously didn't forget you.
My guess would be that either her BPD made her hate you so much that she needs to release that anger directly at you, or she's trying to make herself believe that you're a bad person to cope with the pain?
The second scenario seems more likely, the basic functioning of BPD, at least from my experience, is that the pwBPD has abandonment fears, so they reject the person as best they can before they can be rejected. It's a bit extreme to publicly post about it, but after all it seems like a way to cope with the act of dumping you, something that she didn't want to do but felt compelled to do because of her fears.
That's my guess at all of this, I'm sure the others have much more knowledge and will be able to give you a more precise/different explanation!

Hey WIldboar,
Thank you for your response. Seeing that really helped my anxiety and made me calm down. I am trying to be better at radical acceptance at the moment and being open to everything.

She is not specifically mentioning my name but she says things like "all the guys I talked to before" or "my exes" etc. she's only been with two guys. Her abusive ex before me and myself. She knows I hate being compared to him because of how much he hurt her. This stopped for a long period of time. But when shes really really mad she would compare me to him and say things like "my ex was never as bad as you". And that would hurt me because, he hurt her, abused her emotionally, left her alone and forgot about her, serious traumatic things. And I'm someone who would hand her the world on a silver platter with a side of bbq sauce . You get the gist. She knows what gets under my skin, being ignored/silent treatment and being compared to people. I am my own individual and hate being compared like i'm an object. Yet this was her way of getting back at me.
But I have this gut feeling she is talking about me because the details are very specific and I have this intuition.

Hm, that puts things into a different perspective if we go with the second scenario. She has mentioned during one of our prior-breakups, along the lines of her "not being sure what she wants" and "she's scared that she will regret breaking up with me and she is making a huge mistake". 

[CryWolf]

I added a website blocker on my computer to block myself from checking her blog. As well as downloading an app to block it on my phone. Of course I could always just turn off the blocker and visit the site  but I will doing my best to control my fixation to check. It really does feel like a drug and needing a “fix”.

What’s been helping a lot these past few days is rereading the awesome replies from everyone. My emotions change so frequently it’s terrible. Have to keep reminding myself it’s a marathon not a sprint.

[once removed]

What’s been helping a lot these past few days is rereading the awesome replies from everyone. My emotions change so frequently it’s terrible. Have to keep reminding myself it’s a marathon not a sprint.

my emotions and particularly my anxiety were all over the place. its a wild ride. this is a good place to share, and get feedback, we can help you work through it.

She has all my notes for a specific class which she knows I need back to study for a test this summer. So if she does care about me she would have to contact me to give my notes back.

its a huge pain in the butt not to have your notes, but it is probably not at the forefront of her mind. are the notes something that you can write off?

[CryWolf]

my emotions and particularly my anxiety were all over the place. its a wild ride. this is a good place to share, and get feedback, we can help you work through it.

its a huge pain in the butt not to have your notes, but it is probably not at the forefront of her mind. are the notes something that you can write off?

Thank you for the kind words,
I honestly feel like I’m annoying the whole forum constantly posting the same thing over and over .

The Notes are something I need to study for an exam for grad school. She knows they mean a lot to me. And during one  of our “fights”, when I misplaced/lost my notes and asked if they were were possibly in her car, she said something along the lines of “if I do find your notes it’s mine forever, good luck getting it back”. I found my notes which weren’t with her. She knows they mean a lot to me so she Probably mentioned the notes to make me mad... Of course it was her emotions that caused that statement and I need to understand not to take things she says in those moments to heart. Anyway, I could retake the notes from the book which would probably help me retain the information again.

However, if she were to contact me again and break this “no contact” period it would most likely be due to her giving me the notes back. Or if she really doesn’t care about me then we have our answer and I wouldn’t get the notes back. I remember in one of the notebooks I drew a heart with our names in it . Not sure what she thinks of it.

[once removed]

I honestly feel like I’m annoying the whole forum constantly posting the same thing over and over .

this is a support group man weve been there, we get it, and a "Reversing a breakup" type situation is an especially intense one. 

“if I do find your notes it’s mine forever, good luck getting it back”. I found my notes which weren’t with her.
She knows they mean a lot to me so she Probably mentioned the notes to make me mad... Of course it was her emotions that caused that statement and I need to understand not to take things she says in those moments to heart.

i want to make a small distinction here: not taking things to heart is good. thats not the same thing as ignoring them or condoning them or making excuses for them. as an adult, shes responsible for her emotions, statements, actions. big picture, dont just accept disrespect, it invites more of it.

Anyway, I could retake the notes from the book which would probably help me retain the information again.

i would grit my teeth and do this. asking for them back would probably not be your best "in".

[CryWolf]

i want to make a small distinction here: not taking things to heart is good. thats not the same thing as ignoring them or condoning them or making excuses for them. as an adult, shes responsible for her emotions, statements, actions. big picture, dont just accept disrespect, it invites more of it.

i would grit my teeth and do this. asking for them back would probably not be your best "in".

During the relationship there was a lot of things I brushed off or ignored. And a lot of things I stood up for and told her no or walked away. These led to extreme fights and me constantly “proving” or explaining myself or love to her. At the same time I remember I had to do something and stand up for myself so she doesn’t think of me as a doormat or a “beta male”. This was all before her diagnosis of BPD or me knowing the tools on this site. I look back now and worry if she sees me as a door mat or can forgive our heated arguments and exchanges. I only cursed At her  one time  which I hated myself for because I couldn’t take it compared to her cursing at me all the time when she was mad. I’d try to have normal conversations and tell her I didn’t appreciate her cursing at me and that would make her go off. She would say things like “if you don’t like it then leave” and I’d try to talk about it instead of leaving. No way of getting to her.  I couldn’t walk away which I should have to create boundaries. I did walk away sometimes but I was afraid of losing her. Idk I’m trying not to hold myself accountable and be guilty now.

Yea I am going to redo the notes. I don’t want to contact her as she probably thinks/knows I’ll contact her for the notes. Once she sees I don’t contact her for them knowing I need them, perhaps it’ll make her wonder. Just a speculation.

Tuesday and Thursday’s are hard for me because I either see her or one of the guys she talks about on her blog on campus. I was going to go home and skip classes today but I need to face my fears and anxieties. I’m trying to avoid her at all costs.

[CryWolf]

So I walk to my class and the guy is sitting outside my class. There is another bench next to him so I decided to sit and pretend to study to see if my ex would come. My anxiety is upppppp. I should have skipped class. I really want to move or something.

Update: she didn’t come and he walked up to class. But I think he knows about me.

[CryWolf]

Question: So I'm reading other users stories on the site, and a lot of similarities. However, their partners either never came back, cheated, or found someone new right away. How do you guys keep these thoughts and worries away? I know not everyone is the same and every situation is different but not understanding the mental illness makes things scary. My ex would never ever cheat, however during a fight she told me she cheated on me, and then I blocked her and then she'd message me on every app possible telling me she's sorry and she never cheated and she was mad 5 minutes later. I know its not in her character, but after reading so many stories it gets to you. One time she did tell me, "she had the oppurtunity to cheat but didnt" I think this was to bring me closer since I was being distant and busy with school. Idk.

[once removed]

At the same time I remember I had to do something and stand up for myself so she doesn’t think of me as a doormat or a “beta male”.

this sounds like a power struggle. sometimes that can lead to over compensating one way or another. living our values and boundaries teaches others that we arent doormats. doing so builds confidence, which is attractive.

yes, its wise to choose our battles, and brush some things off. i think in any healthy relationship though, we cant let a fear of losing our partner rule us, or it can become the basis of the relationship.

Idk I’m trying not to hold myself accountable and be guilty now.

beating yourself up doesnt get you anywhere. learning from it does.

My anxiety is upppppp.

have you considered seeing a doctor or therapist about it? i know from experience it can be hard to see things clearly, make good decisions, or sometimes even function.

Question: So I'm reading other users stories on the site, and a lot of similarities. However, their partners either never came back, cheated, or found someone new right away.

well, those are three very different scenarios that i would say apply to literally everyone.

it can be very comforting to arrive here and realize we arent alone in our struggles with some very difficult people. it can be so comforting that we start to see all of these relationships as the same and apply it to our situation. every relationship is complex and unique. its easy to lose sight of, but if you read black and white, absolute, things that people with BPD traits "always do", id go ahead and filter that out.

as to how do deal with the thoughts? Radical Acceptance. the two of you arent currently together. the possibilities of her getting into a new relationship or not coming back are real possibilities; not comforting possibilities, but real possibilities. the key for me is reminding myself of that (reality testing) and accepting reality for what it is. it also includes me living my life in the same way. you deciding you dont want to be with her, and/or finding someone else is also a real possibility.

but i would remind you, if it helps, that i dont see any of that as a significant long term threat to you. if she flirts with or gets involved with someone (or vice versa) that doesnt necessarily mean the two of you wont find your way back to each other down the road, under better circumstances.

[CryWolf]

have you considered seeing a doctor or therapist about it? i know from experience it can be hard to see things clearly, make good decisions, or sometimes even function.

I been seeing a therapist at school. Although we've had about 2-3 sessions so far it has been helping me get to the roots of my anxieties. I just need to get my composure and take deep breathes when moments like this happen.

but i would remind you, if it helps, that i dont see any of that as a significant long term threat to you. if she flirts with or gets involved with someone (or vice versa) that doesnt necessarily mean the two of you wont find your way back to each other down the road, under better circumstances.

Thank you, thats very comforting to hear.

[CryWolf]

Tried finding a picture on my computer I just uploaded, and then all these pictures of me and her popped up from throughout the years. as well as cute pics of text messages we shared. These feelings hurt.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

I feel sick to my stomach. She wrote about me today. She said " Im sensitive, emotional, talkative, wild, adventerous. Been told all of this so i learn to be emotionless and apathetic. Stopped communicating properly. Still working on these. I have a hard time communicating my feelings. I can talk to my friends but not my significant other because im scared theyll raise their voice at me or dismiss my feelings. I got more support and validation from my friends than i ever did from the last two boyfriends combined. Ive been trying to work on it my most relationship but I kept getting shot down and always had things turned against me. Its so demoralizing"

I tried calling her after I read this. Im still blocked. I really want to do something, because I feel terrible I made her feel this way and did not understand her BPD or communicate. I was "jading" and making her feel invalidated, although I did try to listen and communicate with her and she would give me the silent treatment. I dont know what i can do without pushing her away.

I dont want to lose her. She is posting a lot about one of her male friends, and I feel like she may start to idealize him. She even mentions him in very similar posts and things we used to talk about but now writes his name under the posts. She also mentions that she is single and is learning to be happy with being single and there other things to focus on. Im assuming this guy is giving her this advice because she wrote his name under the post. 

Please help.

[CryWolf]

It's ironic, because everything she wrote is how I felt. She would criticize my music, taste in certain fashion, shows I watch, certain foods I eat, mostly everything. I would try to communicate during her "episodes" of rage and she would say "oh god here we go again" making me feel so ___ing devalued. She would tell me "woe is me" and I had a victim complex when I wanted to adress her actions and how they weren't right. Kicking me out of her house.  I became more and more distant to protect myself.

I gave her this space, and now she thinks I abandoned her and left her and she is a victim now.

[once removed]

she thinks I abandoned her and left her and she is a victim now.

CryWolf,

this is a hallmark of the disorder, and something of an inevitability.

im not saying you played no role or made no mistakes, we all did. but people with traits of this disorder see the world, themselves, others, in black and white, and tend to see themselves as victims, that bad things happen to them, and tend to discount responsibility. its not unique to BPD by any means, but it is, as i said, a hallmark of the disorder.

what im saying here, is dont personalize this too much. its where learning more about the disorder and the experiences of others can really help to depersonalize things, as hurtful as they are.

youre not doing the wrong thing by giving her space. trust us on this. sometimes clarity can take a little bit longer for someone with these traits, coping style, and world view.

more on a BPD belief system here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67059.msg644937#msg644937

[CryWolf]

Thank you Once removed,

I just bought the ebook "Stop walking on egg shells" to help me understand more. I know she cant take responsibility, but she is saying everything she did to me and how she made me feel  but I did it to her which I don't understand because I was patient and caring with her. I told her I was always there for her. Is this projection and shame for what she did to me? im not sure how projection really works. 

Sorry if im like a broken record, but how will more space during this time improve my situation if right now she says these things about me and how I "demoralized" her? Everything in my body wants to reach out. I wrote a letter to say thank you and apologize for my mistakes and thanked her for all the memories and etc. I also wrote a letter for her parents who hate me and just thanked them for letting me in the house and apologize for any disrespect I brought to them (even though I didnt). This may seem excessive, but I wrote it to let feelings out. I do want to send it but dont want to push her away, like what everyone is suggesting. It's just hearing those things make you feel the need that you "have to do something" to fix the situation.

I will check out the link now, thank you!

[once removed]

I told her I was always there for her. Is this projection and shame for what she did to me? im not sure how projection really works. 

projection is a way of denying something we are uncomfortable with about ourselves and putting it on somewhat else. it is often mistaken for "hypocrisy"; there is overlap, but they arent exactly the same thing. when i was in middle school i had some weird quirks. when i found out a buddy shared them, i teased him about how weird it was. it was hypocritical, yes, but i was trying to off put something about myself i felt shame over.

when we put ourselves in someone elses shoes, try to read their mind, or ascribe them motives, there is usually some form of projection going on. for example, if we have low self esteem, we are more likely to see others as against us or not liking us, or we may be more sensitive to perceived slights that arent necessarily there.

Sorry if im like a broken record, but how will more space during this time improve my situation if right now she says these things about me and how I "demoralized" her?

CryWolf, reread what was going on when you arrived here. you were overpursuing, and it was pushing her away. you have now heeded and respected her wishes. that, first and foremost, is a must.

additionally, reaching out to her and rehashing this stuff is not going to convince her otherwise, its going to reinforce her beliefs.

and lastly, the stages of grief are not linear, and what shes feeling is likely not permanent. i went through all sorts of stages with my ex. i hated her. i had revenge and "justice" fantasies. i felt like a victim. over time and through work and learning, i came to a lot more clarity and objectivity, and of course the raw feelings and nerves naturally dissipated. its important to let her go through this without trying to rescue or soothe her, and again, doing so will likely reinforce her beliefs.

It's just hearing those things make you feel the need that you "have to do something" to fix the situation.

i completely understand this. i lived it every day. CryWolf, i did stuff in high school that i STILL kick myself for. in my experience, acting on those urges has tended to work against me. it is desperate, and it tends to come off that way. whats been invaluable to me is to sit with and work through those feelings. remember, very little has changed, and things can feel more urgent than they are.

but furthermore, lets say you send those letters. wouldnt it be more of the same (overcompensating)? wouldnt it be validating her current thoughts and feelings about you and the relationship, a perspective you dont agree with, and feelings that by their nature, are subject to change anyway?

writing this stuff is a great exercise, as you said, it helps vent the feelings. if you want to reach out, i think a much lighter, more upbeat approach would be more likely to yield success.

[CryWolf]

CryWolf, reread what was going on when you arrived here. you were overpursuing, and it was pushing her away. you have now heeded and respected her wishes. that, first and foremost, is a must.

additionally, reaching out to her and rehashing this stuff is not going to convince her otherwise, its going to reinforce her beliefs.

When we first met she told me she didnt like space, and told me that if she got space from me she would move on and I shouldnt expect her to come back. This still resonates with me. And she does a good way of showing it. She is so stubborn and even told me one time, "even if im sorry and its my fault or miss you and I want to be with you, I wont come back due to my pride".

You're right. I dont want to push her away anymore. Her ex used to do all this when me and her were together. He would drop off candy and letters and flowers and etc. It only pushed her more towards me. However she did cry one time during one of his letters.

Another note, at times when she'd break up with me right before her bday or holiday. I still would give her a gift because I already bought it. Or she would give me a gift even though we broke up and it was her apologizing.  And we'd get back together. Still not a good approach to things.

and lastly, the stages of grief are not linear, and what shes feeling is likely not permanent. i went through all sorts of stages with my ex. i hated her. i had revenge and "justice" fantasies. i felt like a victim. over time and through work and learning, i came to a lot more clarity and objectivity, and of course the raw feelings and nerves naturally dissipated. its important to let her go through this without trying to rescue or soothe her, and again, doing so will likely reinforce her beliefs.
 

Youre right, everyone grieves differently and processes emotions differently. I guess Im scared because I dont know how people with BPD process things? She wont take responsibility, so how will she see her fault or see the good in me?

Ive always rescued or soothed her after a breakup. Always chased, begged, pleaded when she broke up with me. Every time. I never let her feelings process or give her space and time. Going back to the fear, that space would make her forget me and leave and her not liking space. Or when I would ask for space, she would tell me "dont expect me to be here" literally putting fear in me.

Another thing, she hates her ex. She despises him and hates him to this day. Maybe because he still stalks her and drives by her house at night and sends his family members to drive by as well... crazy right? Yet, she is comparing me to him and putting us in the same category. With BPD, how will she take me out of that same category with someone as despicable? Does the same process of time and space work for this?

but furthermore, lets say you send those letters. wouldnt it be more of the same (overcompensating)? wouldnt it be validating her current thoughts and feelings about you and the relationship, a perspective you dont agree with, and feelings that by their nature, are subject to change anyway?

writing this stuff is a great exercise, as you said, it helps vent the feelings. if you want to reach out, i think a much lighter, more upbeat approach would be more likely to yield success.

You're right it would be overcompensating. I sent her a christmas present for her and her brother and she never said thank you or messaged me.Nothing. When I gave her my notes, i included a small present for one of her hobbies. Didn't work.

The only way for me to reach out is through school email (which i have before) since im blocked on everything, and she never read my fb message from last week. I don't want to be desperate anymore.


Sidenote: I posted a picture on social media, and a pretty attractive girl commented on it and said "we should go hiking". me and my ex used to love hiking, but we stopped for a long time. I was going to delete the comment or not reply to it, because i'm worried if my ex saw it, it might make things worse. But i do want her to wander, like i wander about her.

[once removed]

When we first met she told me she didnt like space, and told me that if she got space from me she would move on and I shouldnt expect her to come back. This still resonates with me. And she does a good way of showing it. She is so stubborn and even told me one time, "even if im sorry and its my fault or miss you and I want to be with you, I wont come back due to my pride".

i take this to mean: in the confines of a relationship, if you get distant (abandon) on me, ill make you sorry. people with BPD traits tend to take our own need for space as punishment or rejection. for example, my ex would lose it on me, and id need some time to shake it off. she never understood. i once described my need for alone time, the sort that we all need. she interpreted that as my "need to get away from her".

i dont think this really applies to the situation now (if someone requests space i dont think we have much other option than to give it to them) and may have been "just talk". after all, youre reading her describe a lot of contradictory behavior, right? remember the impulsive nature of BPD: people with BPD have a way of making these sorts of declarations, that are subject to change.

Youre right, everyone grieves differently and processes emotions differently. I guess Im scared because I dont know how people with BPD process things? She wont take responsibility, so how will she see her fault or see the good in me?

keep reading and working the lessons to the right of the board. knowledge is power. remember what i said about when youre mad at someone and have a grudge, and then you recall them suddenly and cant even remember why youre mad. she doesnt have to take responsibility or fault for that to occur.

The only way for me to reach out is through school email (which i have before) since im blocked on everything, and she never read my fb message from last week. I don't want to be desperate anymore.

i think if you were going to reach out (im not sure now is the time), a light, upbeat, and brief message, like sharing a bit of news you think shed be interested in; something along those lines. as you say, thats not really an option right now. i dont think that matters too much. i think those kinds of opportunities have a way of presenting themselves. we dont know how or when, but they often do. i had an ex in high school with BPD traits. a few times, she cut me off. the first time she reached out after about three months. the second time took longer than that.

Sidenote: I posted a picture on social media, and a pretty attractive girl commented on it and said "we should go hiking". me and my ex used to love hiking, but we stopped for a long time. I was going to delete the comment or not reply to it, because i'm worried if my ex saw it, it might make things worse. But i do want her to wander, like i wander about her.

dont walk on eggshells. dont be ruled by fear. something like this is very unlikely to make things worse. live your life authentically and pursue opportunities. that will be mighty attractive.

[CryWolf]

Update: so I walked into a building and saw a classmate. I didn’t go to class and asked about the quiz I missed. Then we started talking and I initially met him with my family at a store he worked at. Small world. So we talk about classes and I see one of the guys my ex sat with right next to him. He keeps looking at his phone and I realize my ex is in their class. The guy gets up and starts walking around looking for her. I saw my ex go in the bathroom. I decided to stay a bit longer and conversate so my ex sees me looking well dressed and happy. And the classmate I’m talking to, I ask for his name because We never formally introduced and he said the name my ex was posting on her tumblr... .wow. Right? So I offered if he needed tutoring in his current class or if he wanted to study for our exam together. The other guy I think likes her or something cuz he was searching for her and constantly checking his phone. He didn’t even make eye contact with me.

Then they were going to class and I turned around to leave for my class and my ex walked right passed me. She knew I was there and  didn’t want to look up from her phone to avoid contact. She was smiling. Either she was smiling at her phone or me. And she did the same thing last time she saw me when I walked past her. And she’s smiled before when she’s walked past me so many times trying to ignore me throughout the relationship. I know I’m not being delusional.

I feel kind of hopeful that she misses me but I hope I’m not in denial.i also hope this didn’t ruin things.  Any thoughts?

[CryWolf]

I dont even think she misses me after today or even cares. its almost 4 months now. Why cant i get over this? Why do i still feel like im being punished and she moved on a long time ago and im still holding on to nothing.

Sorry im so down right now.

[once removed]

he said the name my ex was posting on her tumblr... .wow. Right?

so you were chatting with a guy she mentioned on tumblr, do i have that right?

I feel kind of hopeful that she misses me but I hope I’m not in denial.i also hope this didn’t ruin things.  Any thoughts?

its hard to say. its not a bad thing.

how are you feeling today CryWolf? any update?

[CryWolf]

so you were chatting with a guy she mentioned on tumblr, do i have that right?

its hard to say. its not a bad thing.

how are you feeling today CryWolf? any update?

Yes it was one of the guys she kept mentioning on her blog. He is in my class as well. Last night i was overthinking like crazy about if she liked him or not and having obsessive thoughts and i started comparing myself to him. Very bad i know. I tried radical acceptance for a while. As well as i think they might just be friends, and she knows i check her blog so its probably to make me anxious and have some power and attention. She did also make a post saying how she likes "power". I dont think the friends she has been posting on her blog even have a blog or follow her.  this whole situation and her actions are completely strange and idk what she wants.

 Today she made a post mentioning both the guys regarding men in abusive relationships and how they should know their partners history first before they get in a relationship. So this makes me think they are just friends.

A part of me wants to email her still. but i dont think it will be reciprocated at this time.
 i dont do well with space and time because I dont think things will end in my favor. its something I have to work on.

I had an appointment with my therapist today and it went well. Talked about BPD and how some of the things she is accusing me of like the "demoralizaton", is actually her feelings from childhood towards her parents and not a reflection of who I am. I also had dinner with my coworker and pretty good day. The more clarity i feel or some sort of control, i have on the situation, I feel like I am doing better and have better judgement. However this changed sporadically.

I have a casual date with a girl tomorrow night for fun to get my mind off things. And mostly just post on my social media to get my ex jealous. this is so childish and im not this type of person, and it honestly feels like a high school relationship when you read from an outside view.  

[CryWolf]

I feel selfish i put my needs and wants above what she could handle. I feel like i pushed her too much and hurt her and i wish i understood BPD during that time of our relationship. Im trying not to blame myself that much and hope she can see all the changes i have been making.

[once removed]

I have a casual date with a girl tomorrow night for fun to get my mind off things. And mostly just post on my social media to get my ex jealous. this is so childish and im not this type of person, and it honestly feels like a high school relationship when you read from an outside view.  

theres a fine line between posting on social media to make your ex jealous, and just living your life as you would. the tricky thing is, the more youre living your life for you, as opposed to your ex, the more likely everyone is to notice your changes, and the more likely they are to become ingrained.

[CryWolf]

you’re right I shouldn’t have to manipulate anything.  At this moment it feels that  everything I’m doing is not working and she’s just moving on day by day. I’m getting desperate and that’s the last thing that I should feel. I guess it’s a part of my own insecurities and being impatient. I want to have a “take it or leave it attitude in life”. I want things to flow organically but at the same time I want her to see all the changes I’m making. How i am improving, learning these tools and being her best option. How I love her and how much she loves me. It’s hard when all she can see is the space I finally gave her but I am trusting everyone’s judgement and advice here. You all have much more experience and knowledge in this. You guys are all amazing. 

I love this girl and want to be with her, I want to marry her One day and etc. But right now it’s this battle against myself and I feel like I was finally discarded. The questions that keep lingering are “did she find some one new? Did she move on? Is she going To come back?” Over and over. And I’m doing my best to stop dwelling and becoming that confident person I first was.

The weekends are the worst. We used to spend time together and the pain is so deep. I want her back and to love her again and for her to love me again and just start over. Different approach in the relationship. This is the longest we’ve been apart.

[CryWolf]

Went on the date last night, and the whole time I was thinking of my ex. Last night we went to get dinner in the city, and right around the corner were these stores me and my ex went and explored. I had no idea the stores were all there. Crazy... So many memories came back from being there with my ex. Walked in the same stores with this girl, and I didnt like her traits. I was comparing little things she did to my ex, and noticed how my ex was so much more caring and courteous. My ex was so much more polite. I miss her so damn much. We went to have dinner, and the  conversations was nice, just casual. I felt nothing, and rather have brought my ex. I want to message my ex and apologize for being selfish and not accepting what she wanted and trying to have her stay with me and not respecting her wishes. Man, I messed up.

[once removed]

dating early on can have that effect sometimes.

do you feel like its one of those cases where it will get more comfortable as you continue, or something youd prefer to set aside for now?

[CryWolf]

dating early on can have that effect sometimes.

do you feel like its one of those cases where it will get more comfortable as you continue, or something youd prefer to set aside for now?

I think we are both good as friends (girl i went on date with). She is hung up on some dude, and was asking for my advice so im not going to pursue that but she is cool to hang out with here and there. Nothing wrong with friendship and her mannerism isnt something i can tolerate. My ex set the bar high.

I saw my therapist today, and he told me to practice mindfulness. to stop trying to use logic and reasoning to answer everything but use emotions and feelings to answers my breakup. He said i can never find out why my ex does what she does or how she feels without her telling me. and everything else is assumptions. how social media is all what a person puts out. she could be sad and longing for you every second and not post about it. you never know. He told me that i need to live in the present. not focusing on what went wrong or when she'll come back. which i have been doing for the past 4 months. its been such a haze that i cant even recall what i did the past 4 months but read about BPD and be on here and try to use logic behind her posts on her blog.

i miss her so much. i wish i could give her an apology for jading her, withdrawing and not being a confident and strong person like i was. My absense hopefully will show her that i changed. but i dont know to be honest. and i have to accept it. i have to accept that i might be painted black forever now. and if i do reach out she might use it against me that i hound her and it feeds into her ego.

[CryWolf]

Update: Feelings of obsessive thoughts have subsided. I have more hopeful thinking. I start telling myself she misses me too and thinks of me too.

Today, went to class and that friend she mentioned on her blog is in my class. We spoke in the bathroom a bit, then after class walked and talked about random stuff. I dont think he is her type so i was probably overthinking for no reason. Havent checked her blog since Friday. This is the longest streak for me. Almost broke it last night, but Im happy I didnt.

I want to send her a lighthearted upbeat email but I dont know if this is a mistake. And i dont know what i would say without her thinking its some pathetic attempt for her attention.

I had positive dreams about her coming back in my life and being together, as opposed to her being with other people in my dreams last month.

[CryWolf]

Longing for her right now and just wishing to see her. I remember we were hanging out during the break up and we were making plans to go to Chicago and travel and have a good time. Now here we are. A week before the breakup she’s was telling me I was all she had. I miss her so damn ___ing much.

[CryWolf]

I texted her saying “I think I still have you’re notebook”

iMessage was sent as a a regular message so I know I’m still blocked. I thought she would unblock me by now.

I want to send her an email, and leave it at that. But im not sure what’s to say. I want to reestablish communication. 

 It’s funny because I opened my school email and read an email I sent her last year during 4/13/17 and when she read it she unblocked me that night. We got into a huge argument but made up after that email. Not saying this will get Me the same outcome but it’s the only form of communication left. In the email I sent last year, I mentioned how much I love her, saying goodbyes and thank you and reassuring her I neve cheated which she was blaming me for.

Thoughts?

[once removed]

so she didnt get the text about the notebook, do i have that right?

if you want to reach out, i would have some kind of light hearted news to share, or something that made you think of her. id post it here first, get some feedback.

but be advised this is the last resort card youve got to play, and theres little to nothing to be done if she doesnt respond.

[CryWolf]

so she didnt get the text about the notebook, do i have that right?

if you want to reach out, i would have some kind of light hearted news to share, or something that made you think of her. id post it here first, get some feedback.

but be advised this is the last resort card youve got to play, and theres little to nothing to be done if she doesnt respond.

Hey once removed! Yes the message took a while to "deliver" and wasnt sent as imessage so it means im still blocked.

uhhh, I just sent her an email about 10 minutes before your reply. I hope I didnt ruin things but i left the message as cheerful as I could and not be jading in any aspect or come off negative in anyway. I know her, and she knows when Im usually texting something random as some "desperate attempt" so I didnt want to message her about school, or how shes doing because she could read right through it. the message I sent, personally feel like it would better resonate with her in the long run. Looking back, during our hardest breakups, she wouuld block me on all structures and i would email as a last resort, around the same time of last year i also sent her a "final email" and it worked well with her to show i cared. Im not saying this will have the same effects but I wanted to show how i changed and i can make her feel validated.

What are your thoughts? I hope i did the right thing.

I said:

Dear ___,

I don’t expect a response back from you and that’s okay. I have accepted that you have moved on and I’m truly happy for you. I never had the chance to say this before, but I want to thank your parents for allowing me in their home even when it was against their liking. Thank you for standing up to them and involving me in your life. I have nothing but respect for them for doing their job as parents.

Furthermore, I want to thank you for all the memories we shared. I want to thank you for coming into my life and sharing this beautiful chapter together. They may not resonate with you at this time in your life but we truly had beautiful experiences that could never be replaced. You may paint me black and hate me. That’s something I understand and have come to terms with in my life. I hope you do remember the moments of happiness we entailed together. I hope you remember all the jokes and laugh’s we shared. In hindsight, we were two people that loved each other so much, and sadly couldn’t express it correctly that it inevitably pushed each other away. If you are ready to have me in your life, I am here. I understand if this will only hurt you and I know you have feelings which come first. I am okay with whichever you choose. Thank you for loving my siblings and being like a big sister to them. They ask about you and I tell them you are doing well. Finally, thank you for loving me, and thank you for allowing me to love you. As always, I am wishing you the best in everything you do in your life and I will be cheering you on from afar.


Love,
A___

ps (inserted an inside joke between us)

[once removed]

it sounds like you got things off your chest... .lets see what she does with it.

[CryWolf]

it sounds like you got things off your chest... .lets see what she does with it.

That does not sound good.  

I felt great sending it, and its been something ive been writing the past few days to ensure a positive vibe to it.
Now I am kicking myself in the head.

[once removed]

it was fine CryWolf. it was a "closure" message. its one you can feel good about if she doesnt respond. it leaves the ball in her court.

[CryWolf]

it was fine CryWolf. it was a "closure" message. its one you can feel good about if she doesnt respond. it leaves the ball in her court.

Thank you for the reassurance.     

The reason I mentioned "for her to choose" is because she likes to feel in control or have the power of the relationship on her terms. Been like this for 3 years. I wanted a relationship at first and she just wanted friendship. i agreed, then that night she wanted sex. then i wanted friendship and acted like a friend, she acted more like gf.
I also mentioned "painting me black" because she has been going to therapy and she mentioned it on her blog. and im sure by now she knows her BPD symptoms since she is diagnosed.

my message was to hopefully show her how ive been thinking about the mistakes made and how i have worked on myself and idk. I dont expect her to respond to be honest. and sending her an update over school email when everything else is blocked just may have been pathetic because me and her never do that.

[FaithfulInLove]

Dear Crywolf

I can relate to you so well, your story might be different from mine, but emotionally we're in the same place l guess.
I just wanna send you strength and best wishes. I hope things will work out for you, l wish l could give you some good advice.
I know how hard it is, but keep your head up. I think you've done everything you could've done to safe things. It's her turn now to get clear about her feelings and reach out to you. You made it clear that you won't push her away if he feels like letting her into your life again.

[CryWolf]

Dear Crywolf

I can relate to you so well, your story might be different from mine, but emotionally we're in the same place l guess.
I just wanna send you strength and best wishes. I hope things will work out for you, l wish l could give you some good advice.
I know how hard it is, but keep your head up. I think you've done everything you could've done to safe things. It's her turn now to get clear about her feelings and reach out to you. You made it clear that you won't push her away if he feels like letting her into your life again.

Thank you so much for this. i read this before having lunch with my family and it made me feel really warm on the inside and I have not felt like this in a while.

Im sorry about your situation and I hope things turn up for you. What works best for me is sharing! and reading other users situations and helping anyway I can. We are all here together and helping another up in our lowest points.

[isilme]

Hello,

I am locking this thread because it has reached its length limit. The post originator is welcomed to open a continuation thread on this topic.  Have a great day.