This is a safe space.  You can be vulnerable.
 
I don't have any answers.

All i have are experiences.  My experience since separation of march last year, is learning how to stop making things worse; I didn't cause it; can't control it;and i can't cure it; learning self care; reading here; posting;not taking anything personally;finding a close mouth friend who will listen, to me venting, crying, upset, and not give advice; me stop asking advice frm friends and family--They just want me to feel better and give run messages; pausing; before any action like texting, emailing, calling, think, pause, ask on the board here, because my best actions got me in this quicksand.  All my thrashing about gets me in deeper... .

I just read here today that the one in the r/s who is going the slowest, has the most power.

I can't trust my instincts when it comes to him.
I want to run to him, tell him I love him, ask him to please stop ruining our relationship... .give us another chance!beg, plead, whatever it takes.

Again, my thinking cannot be trusted.  If i go begging, desperate, that will chase him away.

When I am able to get healthier, I find am more attractive to EVERYONE.  That includes him!  That includes me!  My low self esteem can be healed, little by little, sometimes leaps, sometimes step backward.

Healing, hope and help are here.  We may not have all the answers for right now; there are answers for the big picture, direction, about me being on course, strong in who i am. 

lastly, be kind and gentle to yourself.  Do something you enjoy.

With peace,  j

Hey Mutt,

she accused me of not knowing how to apologize and shifting blame onto her. When im pretty sure I didnt, and did my best to make her feel heard. And I was the one who felt unheard and even told her this. I told her I felt like I was walking around eggshells to her before and just for her to understand me. This was before the BPD diagnosis. I had no idea what the hell was going on for so long, and was just on a rollercoaster going with it and my mind was full of FOG.

For self care:
I go to the gym, have friends there. Majority of my friends Im close with, are out of state and across the country. Going out alone, trying to keep myself busy.

I read SWOE if that serves self care.

I get you.

I pray for a sign.


Don't know if you believe in a higher power, and you can definitely pray for a sign!

I was doing that today. 

Don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Sometimes it helps for me to write down all the positive things.  So much weight I put on negative. 

There are things that happen that are positive, and i want to make sure I remember those things... .

We are not are feelings, I believe.  Because thursday I felt so much different (better).  All that changed is my attitude.

I went and got some energy work, it helped me very much. 

Take good care, you are special, unique, wonderful,
loving, kind. 

j

Had another dream last night, where I receive a text from her. The text was confusing and o looked like a “accidental text” so I could respond with “wrong person” or something else so she could play it off. Is been the 3rd/4th dream this week I’ve had where she comes back. I’m probably going crazy

This is exactly how I feel. I feel stuck in Limbo. just waiting and waiting. wondering if she found someone new or alone and missing me but afraid to reach out. But whatever the case, we cant reach out since they left us.

In my case, my ex never got so close to someone, shared experiences with before until she met me. She never had someone make her laugh and smile like I did. Or be there for her always like I did. After reading fear of engulfment, this made me come to accept things and understand the situation more. Whether, she realized her internal feelings and come back? I dont know, and thats the hardest thing to endure. Its hard accepting you cant do anything and just wait.

Everyone says once you move on and stop caring, thats when they'll come back. I hear this and read this so much. But its difficult to let go when all you want to do is cling to anything. The more I move on, my anxieties become less and it scares me.

The last time I checked her blog was almost month ago where she wrote :
"it does not take much to destroy a relationship, and someone in their entirety. just a little bit of doubt here and there, is more than enough to get the job done" and then she wrote underneath it "its kinds of true... " She used to doubt our relationship, and I would even tell her you cant be negative going into a relationship but expect it to be amazing.

she posted "you cant break up with a man. he will stay insidiously inside you kicking like a petulant infant. chewing your thoughts. you can break up with a woman though. odds are you already did break her" She's probably missing me, but cant reach out. Her feelings are probably all over the place and she doesnt know what she wants. She was confused when we broke up, but I messed it up by begging and pleading. So the time and space has been damage control.

another post about about me where she says "my exes couldnt apologize correctly and would piss me off. an apology isnt supposed to be accusatory, its supposed to be "im sorry i hurt/did/etc... ." not "im sorry you felt/thought/etc... " When she says "my exes" she categorizes me with her ex that I hate. She knows I hate being compared to him and It makes me absolutely annoyed being compared to people, and I know shes talking about me as she knows I checked her blog at the moment. The funny thing is, she used to never call our "relationship" an actual relationship. She used to call us a "fling" or "whatever we are" because she knew it would hurt me and affect me by not calling us a relationship. It worked too. But now in most of posts she was calling me her ex or saying "in my last relationship"

another post "i didnt know I was lonely until i saw your face" She posted this right after we bumped into each other at school.

reading all these made me come to terms that a part of her misses me. Her feelings and emotions are stirred up because Im not chasing anymore. Her ex still badgers and stalks her and she was close to getting a restraining order on him. Im not doing that. Reading these last words I saw on her blog, allowed me to stop checking on her. It allowed me to accept she cares and loves me but she has her own things to go through.

This still doesn't indicate she will come back. But I have faith she will. The weird thing is, sometimes I ask myself if she does come back, will I take her back? On occasions I say I wont, but for the most part I do. Maybe this is just the grieving stage?

Im being strong and confident and showing she cant have power over me, like how she mentions she loves power on her blog. Im showing i'm different than anyone else. its so empowering to have control over yourself. Im learning and going with the flow everyday.

I had a weak moment this morning today but I didn't check her social media. I have to be strong for me.

I want to see changes and Ive done everything I could. Its so devastating not seeing changes, or progress. It gets discouraging as I want to see a sign or something.

Keep posting!

Must be something going on. No contact is supposed to gradually have you feeling better and detaching, but I feel like I’m so much more anxious now after no contact for 3 months. It sounds like you are getting to his point too... .like tension building.

I ran into him yesterday and he didn’t see me but my son went over to say hello and he just waved to him and returned to what he was doing. Like they were strangers and our relationship never happened. It’s so hard to deal with.

I didn’t mean to hyjack your post but I know how you feel. I think when they are distant and cold it might be because they still have feelings. If I text him he will text right back, but he won’t reach out. Maybe shame? Maybe others have an idea? If you want someone in your life wouldn’t  you be happy to keep in contact? I guess if he ran over to say hi to my son and texted me often and invited me to things it would make him my friend. He feels like he hurt me. I’m sure your gf feels like you were good for her, too.

Is this you talking,  or something she said to you?

My ex questioned my manhood on multiple occasions.

I'm beginning to realize that the daggers they throw at your confidence are absolutely intentional. It's about control. I'm glad that I have been journaling for a long time. I'm able to go back and see where we were eight years ago and catalog the abuse. Even her youngest adult daughter has told me to save myself and move on. You might try reading some of the articles at gettin better.com . The author has a Masters in phsycology and has worked extensively with BPD folks. I'm reading and rereading them daily. This isn't your fault. She'll keep destroying people until she gets real help. I know it's hard man, I know it makes no friggen sense at all but it's how they operate and they can't control it. Be good to yourself and stay strong, it's all we can do in the aftermath.

Hi there CryWolf,

Sorry you've been feeling like this. You've seem to have your hands full with having to deal with your anxiety while preparing for your exams as well. How are you doing right now since the last time you've posted?


It must really be so difficult for you to be fighting the urge to want to reach out. I've personally been on full NC for about 5 months and i know how it feels to want to reach out. I just want to let you know that we're here as a community to listen and offer support. Takeheart, Crywolf. Sending you a warm  . Keep the pace steady, and I know at least for now, your exams will pass.

Warmly,
Spero.

Hi CryWolf,

Do you think the anxiety of exams contributed to your wanting to soothe your emotions by reaching out to your ex? When stressed, we often want to reach out to someone/something familiar, even if that person/thing caused us pain.

Letting go is so hard.    Can you breathe through the feelings and sit with them? I find that when I allow myself to feel, the emotions seem to pass more quickly. It's not comfortable, but really worth practicing, in my experience.

heartandwhole

Thank you for the warm reply Spero. Today I’m doing a little bit better. Still anxious but Better than yesterday maybe because my exam is more on my mind than her at the current time.



Hey Insom! Thank you for your response 
 Yes I feel like I started to smother her like crazy towards the end of the relationship. She was also going through a lot with school, her mom in and out the hospital, and her mental health. However, she didn’t really discuss any of this with me and bottle everything in.

While being in limbo, I’m just thinking about her. Thinking about things I could have done better but I’m not blaming myself as I did before. I’m accepting. The negative thoughts have been a lot the past two days but I’m managing. Last night I went to this concert to see this musician she loves but I went alone. I have a music festival I’m going to with some friends next weekend, working, going to gym/ecercise, see school therapist once every 2 weeks, going out of state to Disney world with some old friends. Anything I can do to improve myself, and also show I’m making changes. My last exam is Tuesday!



Hey HeartandWhole   
I do think the anxiety of finals are contributing to it. Usually we spend finals together or talk to each other and comfort each other. I’m always there for her in at this time of the semester, giving her words of affirmation, pushing her to do work and get things done, bringing her food and surprising her. She gets really depressed this time of the semester.

Another thing I feel that contributes to it, is that every time the semester ends she breaks up with me. A t told me because pBPD become frightened not having a set schedule and when school is done and she has no job, it frightens her and disregulates. But yes, I feel that I may have some PTSD when it’s finals time. She has broken up with me every single time. However, this whole semester we weren’t together and it’s been the longest separation. My fight or flight expects something to happen. It sounds a bit crazy to say but I feel like something is going to happen soon or at least I’m preparing for that.

I’m wondering how she’s coping, how she’s doing. I did see her talk about suicide on her blog a few times and how she should stop joking about it last I checked. It seems like she is extremely depressed. And the last we spoke in february, she opened up to me and told me she’s failing all her classes. She’s a very smart girl and she never fails. So I don’t know what’s going on, but since we are separated it’s not really my business. She even told me “I’d like it if you stopped checking up on me”. So there’s that.

As for the feelings, I’ve been doing well asking myself “why do I feel this” and accept it and let it pass but this week has been a bit more difficult.



Thank you for your warm reply catlady 


Thank you to everyone that reached out and responded, I currently feel in a better place than I was when I first posted a few months ago. It truly means a lot having a wonderful support system here.

She did want to stay friends but not pursue a relationship and I couldnt handle that. I told her how I love Her too much to just Be friends and it would be unfair to both of us. She told me “I’m fine with whatever” and I know this upset her and most likely set rejection because before I was always okay with just having her in my life. We never set a title on our relationship because a she was afraid no of commitment and titles. She wasn’t ready. But for 3 years we acted like a couple and were monogomous to one other. She would get jealous of any female that would even text me. So I knew she was in love with me although she didn’t say it much. But I still had the burning feeling if she did or didn’t love me. She never spoke her feelings, it was rare. Looking back now and understanding BPD I can safely say she did love me.

I miss her so much. I would love to contact her but it would push her away. She has to come back on her terms. What do you guys think?

Thank you for helping me. Sunday’s are always the worst me.

Thank you so much stixx!

If I reach out on emotion if most likely will be ignored. She has been giving me the ST for a while now. Before she would respond right away, after a breakup. But each time I initiated and went after her, deep down I knew it wasn’t right. I lost dignity for myself little by little knowing I had to plead with her. It just wasn’t right always pleading someone after they left you.

You’re right she knows how to contact me, I left all lines of communication open for her. She knows I care, but it has to be up to her. She needs to learn to put her pride and ego aside.

another thing I would like to mention: so we had this shoebox full of memories. “Our adventure box” where we put receipts to places, tickets, flyers, brochures, Rose petals, save a piece of candy that would only release during holidays. All memories.  She used to tell me during our breakups, “throw that silly box away” or “I hope u throw it away this time”. Knowing it meant a lot to me. (I know it sounds cheesy ) but finally, I tossed it in the trash bin outside. I didn’t cry or feel anything. I still don’t feel anything about it. I did save her old letters, but that’s about it. If she does ever come back, maybe we can start a new box as it should be a new rs not picking up the old one. As much as I want her back, I think the best approach is to detach from the old relationship and learn from it.

Hey Austen, I would like to thank you for reaching out and giving me your kind words! 

The whole reason I would like to detach from the old relationship is to let go of the good and the bad that came with it. I still would love my exgf back, but if she did I must be in the best position I can be as a person myself, and you cant move forward if you still hold on to the past.

I strongly believe my ex never meant to destroy me. She was a very caring and compassionate person who didnt know how to show her emotions properly. My ex did so much for me, when i was stressed with school, job, etc. She cooked when she could, she made sure I ate (if i wasnt eating she would buy me food) & iwould do the same for her. When we used to sleep over at each others houses, she would hold me to sleep at times when i would be overthinking about school. We did have our fights, they were horrible, she did say messed up things to me which in that moment I couldnt understand why, but she genuinely cared for me the best she could looking back. She would buy my siblings, grandparents, parents gifts when she never had to. Her depression and BPD got the best of her, and I didnt know at the time. I wish i could have been more strong and patient in those moments. But Im learning now, and if she ever came back i would be in a better position. I am putting myself first and learning to love myself the best I can.

Im sorry about your situation, Austen. My exNonBPD in high school left me for her ex. almost got pregnant by him, then came back to me for support. then she strung me along, and got with someone else and then almost got pregnant by him, but told me he raped her when all my friends saw them having sex in the car. I can feel your pain in being lied to, and feeling used. Now shes with one of my old friends and they seem happy. The reason I mentioned this story, is because I would like to say that not all people with BPD are out to destroy you. Its easy to blame when we're upset or angry, but things can get messy if we say all "__ people" do this.

My ex knows shes not perfect in any shape, she seeks out therapy for her depression, and was diagnosed with BPD. I do agree at times, we had huge communication problems, and she expected a lot from me, but other times she was happy with me and knew we both were trying our best. We both didnt know the dynamics of BPD and brushed it off. (mistake). My ex has been with only one guy before me, and she will only have sex if she's in love. It took us about 3-4 months of dating to have sex.