Found a letter she wrote me. In my feelings now.

[CryWolf]

I have this shoebox of memories of our relationship. I was going to throw it away, until I saw this letter she wrote during one of our breakups. About 2.5 years ago. Now Im stuck in my feelings. I am blaming myself for being weak and needy and begging.

She wrote:

Dear ___,

Despite what I have said to you over text, these past several months have been wonderful. You are such a great guy. It is a shame that I cannot call you mine. I doubt i am ready for a relationship and the same could be said for you. How can we love one another if we dont even love ourselves? Its impossible. We need to be whole first. Thats not to say that you cant find yourself another relationship. You can. And you could. Hopefully a better relationship than we have now.

You were always so insecure unlike the guy I first met. It didnt bother at first, your insecurities. I thought I could handle it and be strong for the both of us, but that was before. I realized how damaged I have become. I cant be strong for you if I can barely be support myself. I am sorry for some of the fights we had. You should have listened when I told you my ex called me crazy for a reason.

Anyways, this is the last letter I will probably write to you. So I might as well end it on a good note ___. you are such a great guy, you really are. I am surprised no one has jumped at the chance to be with you. You are smart (dont think otherwise). You are kind (since you dont like being called nice). You are tall, your body is perfect and dreamy. You always satisfy me. You are very caring and conscious about other peoples needs. you are overall perfect. Maybe too perfect for me, especially since I am not ready for that kind of relationship. It always broke my heart when you to mend things after all the hurtful things I have said. I am sorry for that. I know it must have not been easy for you. I hope you will fine someone who truly loves you and supports you. I apologize that i am not the one. May everything you wish and seek come true.

Much Love,
_____


UGHHHHH I became so anxious and needy in the relationship because of the breakups and having my guard up. I became weak and needy, and some one not who I truly am. I hate myself so much. I wish I could have been strong. I need her to see I am not weak and needy anymore. That I am strong and confident and have been working on myself.

During our last breakup, she told me not to beg or any pathetic attempts to get her back like I have done before. She told me I am better than that. I apologized for being needy and she said "its fine, you may not be needy but you were when it came to me"

I wish I could do something. How can I show her im not insecure like before? What can I do Im so desperate right now for answers. Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi CryWolf,

Sorry to hear you are struggling over a breakup! Do I understand correctly that she's been NC with you since the end of February? How long have your breakups typically lasted? Are you posting here on Bettering/Reversing because you think there is a chance to reverse things? Because I think I also noticed you discussing "moving on"? Do you think working on the Detaching board might be something that makes sense? I think that is a great place to work through the transitions one deals with post-breakup.

I know all too well how painful breakups can be. I can't stand breakups! I am thinking of two different particularly painful ones (with two different BPD traits partners) I've had. Although I still wanted the person after about a month, month and half of the breakups, it seemed clear to me, despite all their previous professions of "love" and wanting to be with me "forever", and how "wonderful" they thought I was, and then suddenly disappearing without a word, that... .it was over. Well, in one case. In the 2nd he came back and tried to reignite everything... .and he's been breaking up with me regularly ever since.

May I ask, if you are in NC, how you could possibly show her you "aren't insecure anymore"?  Maybe writing out some of the things you wish you could say to us on the boards, instead of her, and dealing on your feelings of insecurity with us, since she is not engaging, would be helpful?

wishing you the best, i know how hard it is! 

warmly, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Do I understand correctly that she's been NC with you since the end of February? How long have your breakups typically lasted? Are you posting here on Bettering/Reversing because you think there is a chance to reverse things? Because I think I also noticed you discussing "moving on"? Do you think working on the Detaching board might be something that makes sense? I think that is a great place to work through the transitions one deals with post-breakup.

Hey Pearl!
Thank you for your response,

Yes we broke up early December, and have not exchanged words since mid/end February. There are more details in my other posts, in which I saw her make some public posts about me on her blog after we made eye contact and she walked away. I stopped the chasing and pleading. Our breakups usually lasted either a few hours, few days, few weeks, then a whole month last year. It becomes intense during holiday seasons, or when school semester would end.  And finally I would love to make our relationship work. I believe letting go, will allow her to come back. But i'm not sure. All I know is I have to detach and let go of the old relationship in order to have a new one with her. Im lurking both sides of the sprectrum.

I know all too well how painful breakups can be. I can't stand breakups! I am thinking of two different particularly painful ones (with two different BPD traits partners) I've had. Although I still wanted the person after about a month, month and half of the breakups, it seemed clear to me, despite all their previous professions of "love" and wanting to be with me "forever", and how "wonderful" they thought I was, and then suddenly disappearing without a word, that... .it was over. Well, in one case. In the 2nd he came back and tried to reignite everything... .and he's been breaking up with me regularly ever since.

Yes breakups are devastating, what sucks in my case, is this is my first "real" relationship. First person I was romantically involved with and became close with. Each time we break up, it feels like "this is the last time" and my separation anxiety kicks in. More close than anyone I ever have in my life. Im sorry you're still dealing with the breakups. Luckily, we know its the mental illness and not them. What has helped me a lot to understand things is the fear of abandonment, and engulfment.

May I ask, if you are in NC, how you could possibly show her you "aren't insecure anymore"?  Maybe writing out some of the things you wish you could say to us on the boards, instead of her, and dealing on your feelings of insecurity with us, since she is not engaging, would be helpful?

If I could let her know, I would tell her how insecure I became in the r/s and wasnt true to myself. I became so fearful should would get mad or leave me constantly. (I believe I told her this before). I apologized for my anxiety before. I became a little pawn. Now im practicing self love, realizing my self worth and having my own self purpose and not making her the center of my universe.

I knew in the rs what I was doing was wrong and I would be mad when I wasnt true to my self and doing things just to deescalate. Although at times, I would stand up to myself and show she didnt have control over me like she used to but it would either cause jading or pushing each other way. I wish I knew more about these tools before. But I do now. I even told her about my anxious attachment style and her avoidment style, and how we both didnt know how to accommodate each others feelings and love languages. Of course, no response. I have exhausted everything to reach out to her.

The ironic thing is, I was the secure confident, mature one in the rs. (although I was insecure about weight and intelligence). she made me feel stupid at times over text and saying I had trouble reading and comprehending. We had huge communication problems and this only occurred with her... and id tell her that i didnt appreciate it. I felt like i was babysitting her at times, and she was very shy, insecure of everything about her and clingy and hated being "embarrassed"
Got a little off topic, but thank you for reading.

[pearlsw]

Hey Crywolf,

No problem! Get this stuff out! I remember once I had a friend who was going through a particularly tough breakup and I think I spent 5-6 hours talking on the phone with him about it, and I am not a fan of phones, and he repeated himself a lot.   But I really cherish the memory of that conversation... .helping him find his way after a very low period of life. I'd do it again any day!

I've had a lot of friends talk me through breakups in the past, they really saved me. But at some point they get tired of hearing it so... .then you are really stuck if you still need to talk! So, we're here!   We can go over and over stuff and help ya process... .and in time encourage you to grow from it. It sounds like you are already in that place! After reading this last note from you I really get the sense you are making some break throughs on this stuff and doing some really good self-work. I've found it's always good to bring the focus back to me, what can I control? What's out of my control? If I can't control it, let it go. Breathe it out and let it go, over and over and over. We don't know if she'll see you differently. We don't know if something will bring her back. So, when those thoughts come up, that worrying about what she thinks, keep letting it go. It'll go in time.

Insecure about intelligence? What? You sound pretty bright to me! What's that about? I have a personal rule, and I'm gonna loan it to ya: I don't beat myself up. I look at what I do, recognize I am doing the best I can at any given time, and I choose to like myself. Just something to consider. When you get those little voices in your head tearing yourself up, lay some positive tracks over those. Let yourself laugh and enjoy yourself, if ya can.

So the two of you are in college? Let me tell ya, if I had a time machine and could go back, one thing I would have done was date more in college. I was already settled down with my first boyfriend as an undergrad and man, okay, I really loved him, but... .dating in college seems like it could have been a lot of fun. Just putting that on your plate. Not pushing ya in one direction or another. I couldn't get a date to save my life in high school, but college... .that's the place to meet smart, dynamic, fun people if there ever is one! That's an oasis. Or it can be.  Time to read. Time to hang out. Other people who share your interests and are looking for what you are. Wow.

First relationship, eh? Ouch. That is a great big hurt. Well, let me tell ya, I was there. I thought (hand dramatically held at my forehead) I'd never fall in love again, things could never be so good, etc. But ya know what? I've met a lot of nice guys in my day. Better? No. Different? Yes.  In really, really wonderful ways. Super guys? Oh ya! One or two. But ya gotta take the risk... .so I hope you make the best of it.

I've had more breakups than I care to recall, but man, I've also had a lot of love, fun, and interesting life experiences. And here's the thing, if she does not want a relationship right now, and you do... .man, you've got a great opportunity here if you choose to see it that way. You can take some time, get yourself figured out a bit, do some self-work, and if you do meet another person you would have a whole lot to offer that person and hopefully vice versa. So that's great and if that is the legacy of her in your life, that's a plus.

And I'm telling ya this after... .and I remember my breakup with my first boyfriend... .oh geez. I took it hard. It was my choice, I had to make a change, but it was hard on me. I felt guilty. I felt hopeless. One day I hoped to myself a car would just run me over on my bike and the mental pain would end. But in time... .I worked my way through recovery. There are stages, it takes times, it is hard to imagine anyone being like the first person, or that any one else would ever want to be with you, or whatever thoughts your brain might be tossing at ya, those are the ones I heard in my hurting brain... .but they are just thoughts, clouds that will pass.

Oh gosh, and when they break up with you I think it may be even worse because your mind wants to fix things and make it better and it's even harder to let go if you didn't want this outcome and you still feel you could make things work. Our minds take time to compute that. Oh gosh, it hurts so much! And then, geez, I am now with someone who probably could take a gold medal in breakups if it were a sport. It sure feels like a sport with him sometimes.  Ay, ay, ay! He took my biggest pain in life and multiplied it by a hundred or so! But I'm gonna find my way out of this too, in time.

But I guess what I'm saying is... .let's take the focus back to you and let her go a bit more (if you'd like to try that on) and also let go trying to convince her you are awesome. Okay? She's gonna believe what she believes, but if you know you are awesome no one can take that away from you.

You do know how to be confident, secure and mature. I hear that. You've got this! Just be you. Just be you.

warmly, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Thank you for the long reply Pearl! It was very insightful 

I am doing my best to not talk about the breakup with friends and family. They don't know the dynamics of a rs with a pBPD and they seem to get annoyed or give terrible advice and I can tell they are tired. They tell me "dude its been 5 months, youre hopeless". So now I stop bringing anything about the rs to them and pretend to be happy or talk about matters I dont care for in the time being. You guys are all amazing here and make me feel validated and heard.

I thought I was going crazy for so long and had no idea what was going on in my rs. I am doing my best to let go of things that are not in my control, for example if shes thinking about me. Im sure she is, but i have no control of it. Or if she misses me, im sure she does but I cant do anything but give her space she wanted.

I was always insecure about intelligence, because I never felt validated as a child, and I received average grades. Im a bit lazy, but I do have a lot of people tell me how smart I am, even my ex tells me how smart I am, but then she calls me dumb when we fight. And before I know about the BPD behaviours, it was killing me. Now I know it wasnt her but the terrible illness saying those things. My therapist also told me Im too critical on myself, and it stems from childhood where my grandmother (might have a cluster b personaility) would call me names and belittle me but then praise me. So it all makes sense now. What ive been practicing is, I have no control of what others think of me, and if someone says im stupid even if its jokingly, i shouldnt get offended. I cant contorl every dynamic about my persona to others.

I also think, when my ex would call me dumb or stupid, they were probably self projections from herself. She used to have trouble writing email to professors, and i would write them for her, although her reading level is amazing, and mine is lacking, her writing is bad while mine is phenomenal. wierd isnt it?

Yes, ive had thoughts of a car hitting me, or etc to end all the pain. Its sad that we want to resort to that happening. The pain hurts. :/

As for dating, I went on a few dates since the breakup, but I didnt feel much and the whole time just thought of my ex and compared. Its normal, and at the time being, I feel like I am not attracting girls or able to even communicate. My mojo is whack. Also, I guess I need to work on dating, because I havent really been on any dates prior to my ex with other girls. Thats an avenue id like to work on.
My ex used to tell me, that if we ever broke up, I would be the first to find someone and move on before her because im so goodlooking and charming and she thinks shes ugly. All my friends and family even tell me, you look so much better than her, you could find someone so better looking. Im not sure why, but I felt the otherway around. I guess this is my insecurities, and having to learn to love myself which i have, and shes taught me to love myself. I am a bit husky , so thats something id like to work on. She didnt like me losing weight.

Breakups are terrible. And breakups with pBPD are a million times worseeeee! You feel emotions so much more, your head is all over the place. you bargain and reason. its crazy. Stages of grief are all over the place. Then you dont know if its for good or not. So many times i thought it was over for good, but id reach out and we back to it.

This time, however, I dont know. I have hopes she will reach out. But im also doubtful because shes never ignored and given me ST for soo long. Who knows. Summer is coming up, and she doesnt have many friends, and just work. I wonder if that will take play into her missing me. I know this semester she used classmates to fill the void to get over me. Who knows. and im learning to accept it. I would love to send a text saying "hey good luck on your finals" but I did during midterms and no response.  

Its crazy how you become so inseperable with somene. Become so close, we both have never been so close to anyone else but each other. Her ex and her werent as close as we were, although there rs was longer. She was so open with me, but then close off when it became too much. Yet, here we are now. We mean everything to each other, but in the time being we're both nothing.

[pearlsw]

Hey CryWolf,

Thanks for your big reply too!  

Yes, break ups can be pretty devastating, especially BPD ones - I agree! (But they've all been hard for me!) I remember after my first sudden out of nowhere break up with someone with a few BPD traits I was flattened. A mutual friend of ours died soon after, my BPD traits ex was much closer with the person that died than I was, but I went to the funeral too. Partially to pay my respects, partially in hopes of talking to my ex. It was sad and pathetic, but after all these years I can kinda laugh about myself.

It was a standout scene in the movie of my life where the heroine, me, needed to learn…when to move on. But I wasn’t quite ready. I got a bit humiliated, and humiliated myself a bit after this. It was just so hard to believe this person, who LOVED me soo much, and I were never gonna get back together. Well, after never wanting to talk to me, he did try to set up some more sex, but…he was not very cool towards me... .it cheapened what I thought we'd had.

At some point ya gotta take a long look in the mirror and ask, what am I doing? I like to remind myself there are billions of other people on the planet. There is surely more than one you could match with!

So, take your time, get your answers, guard your heart, and ask yourself what do you want? What makes the most sense? Though I didn’t wait long to date again, it took me three years to fully get over the shock of what happened, and we only dated 13 mo’s! I get how hard it can be for the logical mind!

And…take the time to focus on you, if ya like, and do some inner work to counter those negative comments you’ve heard! You have to spend a lot of time with you so it’s worth the effort to really, really like yourself. It can be work though!

wishing you peace, pearl.

[CryWolf]

Thank you for the kind words Pearl   

I dont mind dating right away for fun, I have been hanging out with girls more when I can. I flirt occasionally and dont hold back . I just know im not in the right place for a new r/s.

I want to be the best version of myself before I get with anyone again. I want to explore and be confident in myself and secure. I always would love my ex back, but I cant wait on hope. If she comes back, she comes back. I would love to chase after her but that wont do any good.


I found some more letters of hers. I chose not to read them but I will keep them for a day in the future. I did throw away a shoe box of memories that we shared. This was a big step forward for me.

I need to finish reading swoe.
I know there are so many better girls out there, and I see it at school and the gym. I know they are not comparable to my ex, and I know there probably is someone better out there. I guess in the meantime, Im going with the "flow" of things, and let things flow organically.

[juju2]

Hi wolf

You are on a good track.  Let things evolve organic ally.  You are worth it!

I guess what goes against me, is he has been the recipient of my co dependency behaviour, which is not my true self.  Oh well.  Change happens.

Keep evolving.  You are worthy, lovable, kind, unique, the star of your movie.  It's ok to
 Be all that.!

I think I really need to get in touch with how awesome I am.  The rest will sort itself out.

Blessings,  j