It's been a while.. My ex is in my class.

[CryWolf]

Hey BPD fam.. 

I took a long long long break from here to focus on myself and try to move on past my previous relationship/let go of my pwBPD.. I have been experiencing new things, living my best life, working on myself and my goals. I find myself here again, as this place was my solitude and family before.

Quick Recap: We dated for 3 years, discarded/broken up with near/on my BDAY end of 2017.

My first post when I joined: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321630.0;all

I tried numerous times to contact, get closure but nothing. I thought she was dating this guy, but they weren't.. Her friends were somewhat stalking me, and I found out she was bad mouthing me, playing victim..

Last semester, her friends became my friends, as she ghosted them and they saw nothing was wrong with me as we shared classes.

As time went on, I still missed her.. Sent some drunk messages I wish I didnt, but also to give myself "closure". She blocks and unblocks me on either facebook or imessage. She popped up searching my female friends LinkedIn account a few weeks ago. Me and this friend have a pic together on facebook and Im assuming she wanted to stalk her.

Although I never got a physical text/contact from her, I did from her trying to make me jealous on campus, popping up, searching up friends like this. Even though I continued to reach out, be civil, get my belongings back for school. It was all ignored.

Feelings are still there, as she was my first everything.But I am scared when I see her again, I will fall back down the rabbit hole.

My life has been amazing since we broke up. I learned more about myself and what I want in relationships. I do my best to not be codependent anymore. Continuing to see my school therapist. I have so many amazing friends now, and this is my last semester before I graduate!


However... I checked the class list. and there she was.. My heart dropped. I couldn't breathe. Our last semester, and she just had to be in my class. I see her tomorrow. I am afraid she will try to make me jealous by flirting with other guys, act loud and obnoxious to get under my skin. She knows all my buttons. I don't want to let her get the best of me and my obsessive thoughts ruminate over her again. I've been doing so good in my life. But deep down, I know I want a reaction from her, an apology, a text, a chat over coffee. I dont want to downplay this. I also want a sense of control over the situation, as I never did before. This is toxic I know but this is what I am feeling in this current moment.

I dont know how to proceed. I dont want this to affect my school and future, as it has before. Do I sit in the back and mind my business or be the class clown like I usually am? I dont want to let her bother me or get under my skin.

Thank you,

CryWolf

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi CryW-

Welcome back... I recall portions of your story and it sounds like you’ve done some good work.  Take pride in that.

Most importantly, remember that YOU control you.  She does NOT.  She canNOT “make” you feel anything.  Nothing.  And hold that belief close.  And repeat that to yourself.  She cannot MAKE you feel anything.

You have been down that rabbit hole and you understand what lies at the bottom.  It’s not a happy, light or healthy place for you.  Why consider going there? 

No CryW... No fear.  But... and this is something to consider... if you are really thrown off by having to see her each day in class, can you change to a different class?  Sometimes we need to do things to take care of ourselves.  And if I recall from my uni days, there is a drop/add period, right?  So do what YOU must to take care of YOU.  It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

This is your last semester and you have every right to enjoy it to the max.  And as far as “acting” any certain way in class?  Why?  And who cares anymore how she behaves, tries to draw attention to herself, tries to “make” you jealous, etc.?  By now, you understand manipulative behavior.  You ARE strong enough to hold yourself with high enough regard to be polite and dismiss her antics if you choose to stay in that class.  Let it go and respect yourself.  Enough of the direct pain, right?

And see if you can release yourself from the indirect monitoring of who she’s looking at on social media.  I know you still have feelings, but you’re hurting and punishing yourself.  It’s time you stop, don’t you think?

I see that you’re seeing a school T and I hope you’re being completely honest with your T about your feelings.  And your actions.  If not, ask your T for tips on how to “manage” the urges to watch who your ex is following on social media.

I know how difficult the detaching process is.  This pain runs deep and detaching is a journey.  Your process is prolonged because you are essentially forced to see her at school.  I seem to recall you questioning whether you would return to that university.  But you’ll be fine.  You’re stronger than you think.

Chin up, my friend.  And IF you find that changes are in order to manage your emotions and mindset, then make changes for you.

And please... keep posting to obtain the support you deserve, okay?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[ColdKnight]

Some people will tell you closure is not important. Well it may not be to them but some people need closure. I am a person who needs closure. Ask parents of missing children. Most of them just want closure.

So if you need closure you have to figure out how you do that without opening up old wounds.

Spending a whole semester in a class with her is only advisable if you honestly feel you are ready for it and have moved on. If you have to ask the question, have I moved on and can I handle this? Then I think you have your answers.

I tend to agree with Gemsforeyes. I would try and switch the class unless you are 100 percent confident you can handle the situation. It will be tough, very tough to spend a semester in class with her if you can’t.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi again-

I seemed to miss the part about “closure”.  This is a question for you, too ColdKnight.

Where you stand today, What would closure look like for you?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[CryWolf]

Thank you for your replies. As for switching classes, I can't. They're are a few classes and this class is in high demand. I have to deal with it. I also hope this may "give me closure" or reconnect something.. Not sure. I don't know what I want in this very moment.

I walked in class, and there she was. There were no seats so I sat 3 seats to the right of her. She saw me and started texting like crazy. I didnt pay her attention.. The class is dominantly girls, and I know a few girls in there. I tried not being too talkative today with the girls so she didnt think I was trying to make her jealous. I looked very sharp today 

a strange thing that I thought about, but I could be overthinking nothing into something.. So when we broke up she cut her hair off, dressed differently, got new glasses, etc. Today, her hair looked like how it was when we were together. She wore her old glasses and dress she wore on our first date.. Could mean nothing, and im probably hoping for a meaning but I should let it go.

Right when class ended, i called my school therapist and made an appt for immediately tomorrow  

Better safe than sorry.

This is your last semester and you have every right to enjoy it to the max.  And as far as “acting” any certain way in class?  Why?  And who cares anymore how she behaves, tries to draw attention to herself, tries to “make” you jealous, etc.?  By now, you understand manipulative behavior.  You ARE strong enough to hold yourself with high enough regard to be polite and dismiss her antics if you choose to stay in that class.  Let it go and respect yourself.  Enough of the direct pain, right?

And see if you can release yourself from the indirect monitoring of who she’s looking at on social media.  I know you still have feelings, but you’re hurting and punishing yourself.  It’s time you stop, don’t you think?


Chin up, my friend.  And IF you find that changes are in order to manage your emotions and mindset, then make changes for you.

And please... keep posting to obtain the support you deserve, okay?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Thank you for the kind words! I stopped looking her up on social media/monitoring her posts a while ago. I only search her on fb to see if im blocked, or if our pics were still up out of curiousity. but this is toxic and getting my "fix". I felt good today, me and a girl classmate/friend did hw after class. It feels good to know im not alone in there.

[Skip]

I love this avatar...



I have a practical suggestion. Don't sit in places where you can sneak peaks of her... because you will and she will catch you and it will be drama.  Maybe sit up front.

We know we are detached when we can function with our ex in the room. Look at this as conditioning. Take on a little at a time. By mid semester, you should be cool.

If you catch eyes, what will you do?

What do you do when you catch eyes with others?

[ColdKnight]

@skip re: avatar. I felt it very fitting. That’s how I felt with my
uBPDxgf.

@gemsforeyes: where we stand today. After two weeks of silent treatment from her I reached out and she told me she had met someone. I needed to distance myself from her. I needed to never have the urge to contact her and the same from her. I needed to close the door and dynamite the mine.

I sent her a very scathing text regarding her behavior over the last year. Her lies, her stonewalling, silent treatment hot and cold behavior. Basically all of the worst parts of the relationship. I told her she needed help and needed serious self reflection. I also told her that I would avoid her and I expected her to avoid me and that I would never contact her again. It was an email so harsh that I do not believe the relationship can ever recover from.

That is the closure I needed. Burn it down and never look back...that is the only way I could do it. I cannot handle the lingering thought of “maybe she will text me in a week or a month”

I miss her but I know I will not contact her and she won’t contact me.

[CryWolf]

I love this avatar...



I have a practical suggestion. Don't sit in places where you can sneak peaks of her... because you will and she will catch you and it will be drama.  Maybe sit up front.

We know we are detached when we can function with our ex in the room. Look at this as conditioning. Take on a little at a time. By mid semester, you should be cool.

If you catch eyes, what will you do?

What do you do when you catch eyes with others?

I can function more, I’m just scared I’m not or won’t be able to. This whole weekend I’ve been thinking about her and the situation and her missing me and perhaps feelings coming back and we talk again and work things out and go out on a date. This is my hopes.

However, I don’t know. I sit to the side of her same row so I won’t be able to stare.

I do have some female friends in the class who want to Be my partner, however this could make her jealous. Not sure if in my favor or against. I want to be in the best possible situation for her to contact me if she’s does.

ANd if we lock eyes, I’m not sure. I’ve thought about this. Do I smile and walk away, do I say hey? Do I look past her like she doesn’t exist like she has to me?

[JNChell]

Do I smile and walk away, do I say hey? Do I look past her like she doesn’t exist like she has to me?

Finish your education. Then evaluate the girls that are hitting on you. Finish your education! Think about yourself first.

  any smile. Go your own way. When you need to, look at the situation that you’re in now. and compare it. 40,000 feet, Brother.

You strike me as a guy that doesn’t like to be alone and might possibly have some abandonment issues. Have you ever read on the PSI (parent, sibling, in-law) board?

[valet]

However... I checked the class list. and there she was.. My heart dropped. I couldn't breathe. Our last semester, and she just had to be in my class. I see her tomorrow. I am afraid she will try to make me jealous by flirting with other guys, act loud and obnoxious to get under my skin. She knows all my buttons. I don't want to let her get the best of me and my obsessive thoughts ruminate over her again. I've been doing so good in my life. But deep down, I know I want a reaction from her, an apology, a text, a chat over coffee. I dont want to downplay this. I also want a sense of control over the situation, as I never did before. This is toxic I know but this is what I am feeling in this current moment.

well, there you go. you already laid down a blueprint of her behaviors and your reaction to them. so, if its too late to switch classes or you are particularly set on this one for academic reasons, think about more productive and healthy ways to act when she tries to get your attention.

it will be hard, but part of getting back to baseline is learning new ways to cope in situations that make us uncomfortable or reactive. think of it as practice. if your ex is really who you think she is, being amongst people without her characteristics will be a cakewalk if you can learn how focus your attention on what will make you happy in the long run.

sometimes i think we have a tendency to sell ourselves short. but that doesn't mean we shouldn't every now and again make a concerted effort to figure out and change the things that keep us emotionally invested in people that can't give us what we need.

acknowledging that we're hurt is a good step. i'd suggest talking about it more with the people you trust, or just going to a therapist to get advice if you don't feel comfortable discussing it around your friends. it will help if you're honest. until then, check out the workshops board and practice integrating those skills into your days. at some point we have to say that we are more or less are in control of our behaviors. you know what the problems are. teach yourself to address them, and consider it an investment in yourself

[once removed]

Do I smile and walk away, do I say hey? Do I look past her like she doesn’t exist like she has to me?

i would echo this question:

What do you do when you catch eyes with others?

[CryWolf]

Hey all. Thank you for the feedback. I cant leave the class as there are no other classes open.

I noticed I get anxious leading up the going to class, but in class im not so anxious. I have acouple female friends in the class. today we decided to sit together, and my ex sat alone behind us 2 rows behind me. I could tell she was getting a bit jealous. We have class twice in one day, both for same class. before our second meeting, she saw me sitting with a girl classmate before class on the opposite side of the class. then before class, i was walking alone and she was behindme. i opened the door for her and she said thank you. I was surprised. I didnt know what to say so i didnt say anything.

During class, we almost bumped into another. and then later I caught her staring at me, and she quickly moved her gaze. she looked sad or lost look in her eyes a few times i glanced over.. Im in a group with girls and they are pretty funny and outgoing. so all the attention is on me or the group. when class ends, I noticed my ex staring at her phone smiling and they quickly left. I am probably making something of nothing but her default to get my attention was always go on her phone and smile and make it look like shes flirting with someone. this would cause me to chase.

I feel like I sound crazy but Im trying to be more in tune with my gut.

I dont know if this should be moved to the bettering section, as I want to engage in contact with my ex again. But since the breakup, ive texted her once every 4 -5 months. with no response back. to get my belongings back or ask to see hows she doing. I worked on my codependency and im not sure if me posting all this, is a sign it is coming back. I would like for my ex to make the first move but I dont know the best possible way here.

sorry for my ramblig.

[ColdKnight]

Those all sound like good signs from her but try not to read to much into them. I tended to ready way too much into things like this.

If you want her back you need her to see you as the man she was initially attracted to. You need to get her to re-idolize you.

My advice would be to keep doing what you are doing. Look at the end game. Don’t rush it.

I would not text her or reach out to her. There is a good possibility that she is trying to see if she still has you on the hook. Once she knows she has you she could very well go back to ignoring you.

You have your power back now. Don’t lose it.

Even if you do get her back there is a good chance this will all happen again.

You can’t think of her as the sweet, loving, kind person that you fell for. That is part of her but a small part. You always have to be wary of her motivations.

That’s just how I would handle it. You could do everything “textbook” and it still might not work.

You have to continue your life around her not being outcome focused. If you focus too much on how you are trying to appear she will see right through you.

Be you, be happy, enjoy life and try not to let her affect you.

[CryWolf]

Thank you ColdKnight.

My anxiety has been through the roof today. I’ve managed my anxiety and have been doing great these past couple months to year. But once I saw my ex, these feelings are coming harder and harder.

Today I was Late to class and grabbed a seat next to her. Took out a snack that she introduced me to and started eating it during class. I wanted to say hey after class but her lab partner started talking to her and I got jealous of him. I’m not the jealous type but here I am being jealous..

Since then, I feel like I need this strategy or “plan” to reintroduce contact with her. Grab coffeee or something. But I don’t know how and I am driving myself crazy replaying things. One moment I’m thinking she is done with me and I’m being delusional. The next I’m holding on to hope for dear life.

My friend saw her social media and told me she was posting about mental illnesses and bpd and It’s no excuse to abuse people, etc. it seems like she is growing.


Everyone, it’s been so hard for me lately. I feel like a hollow shell lost in thoughts. I broke down yesterday crying. I thought I moved on.. I stopped thinking about my ex for soo long. But here I am. I can’t let go.

[Cromwell]

I have acouple female friends in the class. today we decided to sit together, and my ex sat alone behind us 2 rows behind me. I could tell she was getting a bit jealous.

Jealous about what, and how could you tell?

[CryWolf]

Jealous about what, and how could you tell?

She has this look on her face when she’s mad or annoyed and taps/moves her leg

[Cromwell]

Maybe she felt stress because she picked up that you keep glancing at her, sitting next to her. If you were 2 rows in front, how would you notice her so called jealousy if she is two rows behind without having to turn around and look at her?

[CryWolf]

Maybe she felt stress because she picked up that you keep glancing at her, sitting next to her. If you were 2 rows in front, how would you notice her so called jealousy if she is two rows behind without having to turn around and look at her?

I didn’t look back more than once this day.

[Cromwell]

I didn’t look back more than once this day.

The thoughts, that lead to assumptions. I found these really got me into a spiral CryWolf. It really helped to stop at a point I knew I was overanalysing and say to myself - you really dont have enough information to be making these conclusions, so just leave it as it is - "unknown" until such point that something factual comes along.

Anti-anxiety medication on the days that were overwhelming made a massive difference too. I know you said before you did not want to go this route that "she made you this ill you had to", but I strongly in your situation ask you to re-think this and re-consider it. Otherwise, id be giving her a wide berth as possible and practical; for both of your sakes.

She will be stressed too and if she has BPD like my ex, being stared at or even just her perceiving someone to stare at her even if they were not really - was enough for her to dysregulate.

I know it is difficult now but it has been a week of getting to find out what has worked and what could be adapted. Refine this as you go along. If the goal here is the potential of a conversation over coffee - I really dont believe that making her angry, jealous, stressed or otherwise uncomfortable will help.

Keep things cordial, professional, like she held the door open for you. After all, the relationship you had, is over. this is a form of work relationship, not sure if you have to do lab work, group work whatever, but regardless try for the meantime to not see her as an ex you still have feelings to pursue. I think it is not working for you healthwise, it is too much but who knows if can get a long without these vibes and pressures there could be more of a chance later on to get that talk with her that you wish.

[ColdKnight]

I agree with Cromwell. You can’t keep trying to read into her actions. You will drive yourself insane trying to figure out what she is thinking. If she truly has BPD then she doesn’t know what she is thinking.

My advice...and this is just what I would do. I would ignore her. Act like she isn’t even there. If she talks to you then answer like you would answer a stranger. You have to stop looking at this as a situation where you can get her back. It’s not. Go completely grey rock on her.

It sounds like you brought that snack in hoping she would comment on it. You have to stop doing that. Stop worrying about what your wearing for her.

You have to do whatever it takes to get through this class to graduate and move on. You can’t worry about her feelings. She obviously isn’t worried about yours.

Sit somewhere where she can’t see you or you can’t see her. Avoid her if you can. Find a way to split her black like she split you.

The more you try to get her back the less it is going to work. Granted if you ignore her and go grey rock on her she will probably think you still care and that may give her “supply” or satisfaction but at this point who cares. This is not about ego anymore. This is about your survival in this class and moving on so you never have to see this woman again.

As I said...this is just what I would do. This woman is tearing you apart brother.

[clvrnn]

I agree with Cromwell. You can’t keep trying to read into her actions. You will drive yourself insane trying to figure out what she is thinking. If she truly has BPD then she doesn’t know what she is thinking.

My advice...and this is just what I would do. I would ignore her. Act like she isn’t even there. If she talks to you then answer like you would answer a stranger. You have to stop looking at this as a situation where you can get her back. It’s not. Go completely grey rock on her.

It sounds like you brought that snack in hoping she would comment on it. You have to stop doing that. Stop worrying about what your wearing for her.

You have to do whatever it takes to get through this class to graduate and move on. You can’t worry about her feelings. She obviously isn’t worried about yours.

Sit somewhere where she can’t see you or you can’t see her. Avoid her if you can. Find a way to split her black like she split you.

The more you try to get her back the less it is going to work. Granted if you ignore her and go grey rock on her she will probably think you still care and that may give her “supply” or satisfaction but at this point who cares. This is not about ego anymore. This is about your survival in this class and moving on so you never have to see this woman again.

As I said...this is just what I would do. This woman is tearing you apart brother.

This is good advice. As someone in the same situation, I am worried about a lot of the same things, and have to keep reminding myself that I am at university for one reason only; to graduate.

I think too, Cry, that you should try your hardest to focus on yourself, and not where she's sitting/what she's doing - just put your energy into studying, and talking to others. It's hard I know, but sometimes other people don't care about our feelings in the way we need/want them to.

[CryWolf]

THank you all. I am focusing on my studies and have a great group of friends who keep telling me to focus when I’m not. I got an A on my exam this previous week!

For medication wise, I am take anti anxiety meds. My anxiety gets heightened when my ex is involved as the situation means so much to me. However, I’m doing my best to put myself first. Although I’m still wondering about her and how she’s feeling.

I would love if me and my ex reestablish contact. It’s what I’ve been wanting since the break up. Since we are in class now my anxiety/nervousness has heightened as I feel this is my last chance.

Me posting here, is hoping you all can guide me and give me the best solution for this scenario to hopefully happen.

However. I would love if contact was reestablished by her. But I keep giving her bpd an excuse and that “i” have to do it because of her “fear of rejection”.

 Although she did say thank you for me opening the door, answer I didn’t say anything I’m not sure if this will be an issue. And I am Not trying to make her jealous in anyway or shape. I am not petty.

And I agree, I want to do me and let her fall in love with the guy she originally did. But I’m questioning it because doesn’t that mean us having to be in contact?

[ColdKnight]

Here’s the thing brother,

If you reach out to her she MAY be open to getting back together. I reached out to mine a year after she dumped me. She was open to getting back together. Now after a short four months it’s over...again

You have to ask yourself “am I truly capable of losing this woman again?” Because it will happen I guarantee it. You will lose her again. Are you willing to risk that?

On the flip side...If she reaches out to you then it is her idea. She is looking to you. She wants YOU. It may be just your attention she want’s but at least she wants something from you and not the other way around.

Patience is the strongest virtue you can play in this game. And yes it IS a game with these type of women. Anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves. “Life is pain. Anyone who says different is selling something” -The Princess Bride -

Stop marking excuses for her BPD. I know it is hard. I have made so many excuses for mine. Bottom line is if she REALLY wanted you (or mine wanted me) they would/will reach out. If you reach out you will never truly know if she really wanted you or not.

Regarding the last sentence in your most recent post.
Yes, there is always the question about being in contact. But  you ARE in contact. You are in the best possible position for this. You ARE in contact. You see her in class every day. You don’t have to reach out. She sees you each day. Be you in class! Do NOT FEAR what she thinks. Trust me, the MOST powerful tool you have is INDIFFERENCE at this point.

The hottest women I have ever been with in my life was always because I didn’t give a sh**. As soon as I found a woman that I truly cared about I lost this attitude and it all came crashing down.

It sucks that you have to play these “games” but you do. You are not dealing with a normal, rational female. You are dealing with someone who has mental heath issues. It will NEVER be normal. Are you prepared for that?

I say all this to say this...I am right there with you brother...very similar situation. If she called tonight I would like to say I would ignore the call but I don’t know if I can. If she does I might be asking you for advice...

PS
A buddy of mine is married to a super hot chick who is bi polar, she told me “women hate being chased, they detest it”

To attractive women, even moderately attractive women, men are a known quantity. You have to set yourself outside that norm...
 

[ABC123987]

What do you want from a relationship with her?

You have a lot of emotions, anxiety especially. Anxiety isn't love, it's a sign of an insecure self. I know, because that was me for the past number of decades.

You are both 'cooked' in that your emotional reactions are automatic and were formed in childhood, from the environment and attachment or lack of attachment that you experiences then. Those automatic emotional reactions aren't going to change because you were broken up for a while and now get back together. It's probable that the same dynamics you experienced before will repeat.

So until you've done the work to trace back the anxiety and other emotions that are arising back to where they originated and resolved that it's hard to change those dynamics. You're attracted to her partly because you're repeating those things from your childhood.

I know that sounds negative: what I'm really saying is work on yourself to resolve what happened to you, and build a strong self. I am speaking from some long, hard experiences of hurt and anxiety that came from sources long ago.

That she is still pretending to be talking to other guys on her phone in order to get your attention or make you jealous says that those psychological behaviors are still there in her.

[once removed]

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