Hi again Bakgwai73,
Hopefully others will join us here with their thoughts and insights, for now I wanted to share this about invalidating. I think that part is really important to review:
Words and phrases that are invalidating to others (not just those with BPD): Ordering them to feel differently- ":)on't be mad. Get over it."
Ordering them to look differently- "don't look so sad."
Denying their perception or defending - "that's not what I meant"
Making them feel guilty- "I tried to help you"
Trying to isolate them- "you are the only one who feels that way"
Minimizing their feeling- "you must be kidding"
Using reason- "you are not being rational"
Debating- "I don't always do that"
Judging and labeling them- "you're too sensitive"
Turning things around- "you're making a big deal out of nothing"
Trying to get them to question themselves- "why can't you just get over it?"
Telling them how they should feel- "you should be happy"
Defending the other person- "she didn't mean it that way"
Negating, denial, and confusion- "now you know that isn't true"
Sarcasm and mocking- "you poor baby"
Laying guilt trips- "don't you ever think of anyone else?"
Philosophizing and cliches- "time heals all wounds"
Talking about them when they can hear it- "you can't say anything to her"
Showing intolerance- "I am sick of hearing about it"
Trying to control how long someone feels about something- "you should be over that by now"
Explanation- "maybe it's because _____ "
It comes from here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0Oh man! Well, I hope you don't end up in a basement either!
Oh, I know what you mean about influences. I worry at times who my "h" is speaking to because it can really flip his thinking all around. I can imagine if your wife has people talking to her about divorcing that could shape her thoughts.
What are you hoping to have happen this weekend?
~pearl.