Co Parent Counselor is biased toward BPD ex. WHat do I do?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have proof the co parenting counselor has been privately consulting my BPD ex.    I asked this counselor if I can get the same, and her response was - I cannot and it will not happen again.    Meanwhile, I have proof the counselor is biased.    I knew this all along but I have proof now.   At these meetings, my ex lies and ambushes me and the counselor enables it.    These meetings are an unhealthy waste of time.   

What do I do now?    Stop going?    Get my lawyer to show this so we need to get a new person?    Submit a formal complaint to the counselor?     Complain to a higher authority?   

[trappeddad]

I have proof the co parenting counselor has been privately consulting my BPD ex.    I asked this counselor if I can get the same, and her response was - I cannot and it will not happen again.    Meanwhile, I have proof the counselor is biased.    I knew this all along but I have proof now.   At these meetings, my ex lies and ambushes me and the counselor enables it.    These meetings are an unhealthy waste of time.   

What do I do now?    Stop going?    Get my lawyer to show this so we need to get a new person?    Submit a formal complaint to the counselor?     Complain to a higher authority?   

[ennie]

What is the risk?  Does the co-parenting counselor have any reporting capacity? Can she/he testify?

We had a similar situation.  DH and I (stepmom) were ordered (I was asked) to go to co-parenting counseling with BPDmom.  It started off totally awful.  It was not reporting, and the counselor made very clear she would not be testifying no matter what.  She also refused to look at any collateral information and refused to read the custody evaluation.

Here is what happened.  I chose not to attend about 5 sessions, as the counselor had decided to believe BPD mom's crazy stories about me.  She saw my compassion for mom as evidence I was lying about some of the dangerous and threatening things BPDmom had done. 

In my last session I decided it was worth it to show an example of how mom took info and turned it around on DH---the kids were with here 6 weeks out of 7 due to filed trip and holiday plans. She told the T the opposite was true, that she was not getting her fair share of time.  I went through all the calendar dates, BPD mom agreed with the dates, but could not agree with the conclusion.  I explained how hard it was to negotiate when there was a different perception of the information. 

That was my last session, but after that session, things changed. The counselor started to see the cognitive distortions and of course that triggered BPD mom's rage and she directed that at the counselor.

The end result was that eventually the counselor saw what was going on.  That was very empowering for DH, but ultimately, it did not really matter what the counselor thought. 

I guess my conclusion here is that if the counselor cannot testify, then she may eventually come around. 

[momtara]

What do you mean in terms of private consulting? Like, separate meetings where she gets advice? Seems unfair.

I'd consult your lawyer about how easy it will be to get a new one, and be armed with suggestions for who to switch to. Do you have a say in who you get? Maybe you could get someone with a good psych. background.

[rarsweet]

Even if they can't report on the sessions, whenever the pwBPD  has someone support them it sort of gives them an extra boost in their behavior, like " haha told you so". Its very frustrating

[livednlearned]

What do I do now?    Stop going?    Get my lawyer to show this so we need to get a new person?    Submit a formal complaint to the counselor?     Complain to a higher authority?   

I would take seriously any third-party professional who shows bias. Court takes their testimony seriously, from my experience.

At a minimum, I would ask your L to send a letter to the counselor.

"It is important in high-conflict custody cases for third-party professionals to be unbiased, professional, and ethical. We are concerned that there is an appearance of bias, making it difficult for co-parenting counseling to be effective. On day/date, event happened. My client then sent an email on day/date to ask x. Your response was y."

And then whatever action you think is best.

I refused to see the co-parenting counselor after meeting her because she could not guarantee my confidentiality, and my L was satisfied, saying that I had made a serious effort. I don't consider that a serious effort, but she said my concerns would be considered valid if she had to defend my decision in court.

Maybe the same for you?

[momtara]

LnL, but you did end up seeing one, right? Did you switch?

[livednlearned]

LnL, but you did end up seeing one, right? Did you switch?

I had a PC who got it, so I hung onto her like gold. Before the PC, N/BPDx's lawyer suggested coparenting counseling. I did a lot of research on her, and asked around to see if I could find out what her reputation was. Not good. And then I met her and the hairs on my arm stood up.

She could not guarantee confidentiality -- it was a condition of us working together that I signed a form waiving my confidentiality. And her office had a love seat only. I told her that sitting next to N/BPDx did not feel safe, and did she have another room with a different seating arrangement. She said no.

I expressed my concerns to my L, and my L said I had made a good enough effort, and that she could defend my decisions in court if the other side tried to use my reluctance against me.

[scraps66]

I like the idea of your L sending the counselor a stern letter.  In the long run coparent counseling with a BP is a tremendous waste of time if the mental illness is not also at the same time being treated or at least acknowledged.  I have gone through countless couples and no coparent counseling sessions that are, as you say, a tremendous waste of time.  Putting a non (the abusive target) in a room with a counselor (especially if an unskilled one) and the BP is an environment fertile for projection and blameshifting.

As far as the counselor's creditability, showing ANY level of favoritism or lack of equity between parties, and even if in the rare case of supporting the "sane" individual, is considered to be unethical in any type of counseling.  So your CP counselor is at least unethical and it sounds like incompetent.

Just search here and find the number of nons that will state that CP counseling is a tremendous waste of time.  The same number of people that say that mediation with a BP is a waste of time.

My advice, straighten out the unethical coparent counselor and if at all possible, eliminate coparent counseling.  A compromise would be to find another very credible counselor that is not a court appointed hack. 

What I have also noticed in my current, five years post separation and three years post divorce, court ordered coparent counselor, is that even a very skilled Dr. cannot make inroads with a BP and an ex in the room.  Due to the ethics, it will be incumbent upon the Dr. to make YOU comply and pick up the slack created from the BPs inability to deal rationally with the arrangement.  The counselor cannot sit there and berate the BP, no matter how appropriate that may be in response to the BPs behavior, while in the sessions.  The BPs behavior is to be tolerated and the rational ex-spouse is expected to tolerate and deal with all of the behaviors, even the ones that are counter to shared parenting.  This is why coparent counseling just does not work.

If anything, it should be called parallel parenting and the counselor should set up a scheme that allows both parents to operate in anonymity from the other due to the fact that BPs have no boundaries and abuse those of their ex spouse.   

[livednlearned]

If anything, it should be called parallel parenting and the counselor should set up a scheme that allows both parents to operate in anonymity from the other due to the fact that BPs have no boundaries and abuse those of their ex spouse.   

I think that's what parenting coordinators are supposed to be for -- they aren't in every state, though. And in states that have them, some of then have an extension of judicial duties, and some do not. And like coparenting counselors, some can be a trash can for cash and just make matters worse.