Would love some help and advice please (first post)

[Parents! Get help here!]

Our 28 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD a few months ago. She is also struggling with depression, yet recently stopped taking her meds. Husband (her dad) and I relocated across country in march to live with daughter to support her both financially and emotionally. She is angry at both of us right now because we reached out to our daughter’s therapist since she isn’t on meds and isn’t doing the support groups and therapy regularly to get her mental health under control. We are also afraid she will harm herself (statements such as “not right for this world” are often). I fear she won’t do the hard work it takes to get her mental health under control and she will never be able to live independently. Help!

[Purple1417]

Our 28 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD a few months ago. She is also struggling with depression, yet recently stopped taking her meds. Husband (her dad) and I relocated across country in march to live with daughter to support her both financially and emotionally. She is angry at both of us right now because we reached out to our daughter’s therapist since she isn’t on meds and isn’t doing the support groups and therapy regularly to get her mental health under control. We are also afraid she will harm herself (statements such as “not right for this world” are often). I fear she won’t do the hard work it takes to get her mental health under control and she will never be able to live independently. Help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hi purple and welcome to the family.  I'm by no means an expert here, but I wanted to welcome you and share a little bit of my daughter's story with you. 

Unfortunately, my wife and oldest daughter have BPD, so your story is all too familiar.  My kid hates her meds because of how they make her feel.  Some have also made her gain weight, which damages her self esteem and makes her feel like the lesser of two evils is not to take any meds.  It stinks but it's a very common problem.

In terms of your daughter being mad at you, it is also very common to project blame- "My life would be perfect if you didn't do this or that."  We all hear that and we all accept it for what it is, projecting BPD onto someone else instead of accepting there is a genuine problem that has to be addresses within. 

Unfortunately for you, there's nothing you can do to "save" your daughter.  You can't force her into therapy and you can't do any of the work for her to find recovery.  She needs to want that for herself and take therapy seriously.  I was in the exact same boat asking therapist after therapist what I could personally do, and they all looked at me like I was an idiot.  I can't fix a mental disorder in someone else.

What you can do, however, is read through the sticky posts along the top of this site and learn everything you can about BPD.  My go-to source is a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition".  Great resource to put you in the right mindset to deal with your daughter's outbursts and understand what she's going through.  Your best tool is going to be learning how to communicate with your daughter and affirm the pain she feels, even when she's blaming you for something that's clearly her own fault.  There's tons of resources here to help you get better at stuff like that.

One final tidbit- please know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT!  You didn't cause this, and you can't fix this either.  only your daughter can do that through medication and/or therapy.  So keep your head up, gain some knowledge, and know that the community here is always ready to listen, share, and empathize with your journey.