Don't know what to do

[raytamtay3]

I've said it before and I'm going to continue saying it. I don't know what I would do without this forum! You all have a way of making me see things for what they truly are. Yes while I am in no way a control freak, it IS hard giving up control over the situation with my DD even though it's what I've been aiming at accomplishing by giving some control to a place to get her the help that I could not provide solely. And yes, our children have such heightened emotions that it's hard to remember that what they are feeling may not really be what someone without a disorder would feel to such a degree. And that she ISthere for a reason. We HAVE dealt with the same behaviors at home which is why she is in an RTC to begin with.

I do have concerns. And they will be addressed tomorrow. But I have to keep reminding myself that what DD tells me are half truths from her distorted perception. I have to trust, albeit with a bit of a guard up, that the RTC knows what they are doing. And I have to stop letting my ex to get in to my head.

Thank you everyone. For making me wake the hell up!  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

I'm relieved and satisfied with how the meeting went this morning and got all of my concerns and questions addressed satisfactorily. DD will remain where she is.

She's playing everyone against each other. Manipulating everyone. And once again I almost fell for it.  I was amazed to hear everyone out and just shook my head understandingly because every single thing they said is happening is exactly what I've deal with for years with her.  Damn... .

[Rapt Reader]

raytamtay3... . You did great!

I'm so glad you didn't impulsively react to your daughter and Ex, and that you gave the situation the time and clarity it deserved.

Was your Ex there, too? Just curious if he was, and if he agrees with your decision to keep your daughter there.

She's playing everyone against each other. Manipulating everyone. And once again I almost fell for it.  I was amazed to hear everyone out and just shook my head understandingly because every single thing they said is happening is exactly what I've deal with for years with her.  Damn... .

Very good insights, raytamtay 

[raytamtay3]

raytamtay3... . You did great!

I'm so glad you didn't impulsively react to your daughter and Ex, and that you gave the situation the time and clarity it deserved.

Was your Ex there, too? Just curious if he was, and if he agrees with your decision to keep your daughter there.

She's playing everyone against each other. Manipulating everyone. And once again I almost fell for it.  I was amazed to hear everyone out and just shook my head understandingly because every single thing they said is happening is exactly what I've deal with for years with her.  :)amn... .

Very good insights, raytamtay  

Thanks. Even dh said he could see the relief in my face (he came).  No, ex wasn't there. He will be attending the treatment plan meeting next week. I will have to attend that one via conference call.  I did send him an email simply stating "I just wanted to let you know that I addressed the concerns I had relative to Vision Quest and am happy with the answers and feedback I received. So I decided to have T stay there.  Hopefully next week you will feel the same amount of confidence I have for the place at the treatment plan meeting and can use that opportunity to bring up the concerns you have as well".

[Rapt Reader]

Your note to your Ex sounds very good!

In normal life (   ) a note like that would do the trick to calm a concerned father down, and to allay his fears.

I hope he reacts well, and things go smoothly from now on (Okay... . wishful thinking?   )

[maxen]

that's great news raytam. it would have been an awful stress arranging for another placement. very happy for you.

[raytamtay3]

Thanks Maxen.

Our district CM attended the meeting today. She is wonderful. She truly is an advocate for DD and she spoke up about the concerns she had and they were duly noted by the head honcho. However, not only was she planning on going on maternity leave in August, but she informed me today that she may be leaving the organization she's with very shortly due to her being given an additional county to work in. She currently works in our county and in addition works at an RTC for adults. So her plate was already full.  I'm so sad to hear that she will be leaving. She told me that we will be in good hands should she do so. But I don't like change. Duh. .  So to think someone else is now going to have to be schooled on DD's situation is a little scary. But whatcha gonna do?

Now that I have a moment to give more details, I am.  :)D and a few other girls were suspended from school last week for leaving class and running around the halls. So she was written up AGAIN which will delay her getting out of the P1 which will delay home visits. The therapist said that DD tells her how she is suppose to conduct therapy. Demands calls. They said that all of the children are permitted one 15 minute call and it's usually after therapy but that if a child is being downright disrespectful, that right is taken away. I do agree with this. My DD is very bosy and feels like they should be catering to her. Acts like she is the boss. They said the girl she is having issues with has wanted to "cease fire" but DD is refusing to do so (that's because she's painted this girl black).  :)D told me that her therapist wasn't real therapist. That she had tons of tattoos and peircings. She has one nose ring... . There is an investigation going on about the incidents that have occurred between DD and the girl she has problems with. DD was told that due to it being an investigation, she not permitted to talk to anyone (other than me) about it. But DD has been talking about to other youths. Tons of problems at school as the teacher is painted black. Not participating in therapy as the therapist is painted black. Same old same old. I truly believe DD will need to be here the full 9 to 12 months at this point because she clearly is not taking any responsibility, is blaming everyone else and still doing whatever she wants to do. However, it ha only been two weeks.

I was informed that cameras are actually in the process of being installed. DCM (":)istrict CM"addressed the use of undo force when a staff member physically remived DD's hat from her head in school when DD refused and pulled her hair as a result. Head honcho made note and said it will be addressed with staff member and did not seemed pleased.   :)CM advised that a rumor was going around school that DD was doing sexual favors for boys. Head honcho was livid it was not brought to his attention and is investigating. Today was the first day I heard of this one. RTC CM confirmed this and said she thought nothing of it. Have feeling she's gonna get reprimanded for it... .

[raytamtay3]

I'm sure this topic is going to be maxed out and I appologize for the constant posts. Believe it or not, you all are pretty much the only objective support I have at this time.

I mentioned to my exh via text message that I thought it best if he and I took turns going to visit with DD every other weekend. I didn't tell him why, but the reason for that is because DD openly tried to start trouble between the two of us last weekend by making comments to me about why I don't tell him anything in addition to asking me questions about my personal business that I know were fueled by him and which made me feel uncomfortable. It was so obvious what she was doing. Not to mention the glances they made at each other. I just don't want to expose myself to the abuse anymore.  :'( Plain and simple. It takes over an hour and twenty minutes to drive up there and I'll be damned if I'm going to torure myself like that again.  His response "I'm going every weekend"... . So I decided I am not going tomorrow. Let him break the news to her that "I'm making her stay". Because that is sure to set her off and I have my son anyway and refuse to subject him and myself any longer to her harsh words and actions. Do I feel guilty about not going? Hell yeah I do. Will I beat myself up over not going? Yup. But I am in self-preservation mode right now. I'm just so sick and tired of being made the villan.

[jellibeans]

Ray

taking time for yourself is the best thing you can do right now... use this time to recoup and recover... . don't feel guilty... . your dd is where she needs to be and getting help. Putting boundaries in place with your ex is good... . try to keep out of the power struggle with him... . no one wins it that kind of situation. Have a great weekend!

[pessim-optimist]

I think you are making a very wise decision, raytamtay. 

... . I have my son anyway and refuse to subject him and myself any longer to her harsh words and actions. Do I feel guilty about not going? Hell yeah I do. Will I beat myself up over not going? Yup. But I am in self-preservation mode right now. I'm just so sick and tired of being made the villan.

I have perhaps a couple of uncomfortable introspective questions for you (no need to answer if you don't feel like it), or maybe just something to think about:

What is it that makes you feel guilty for doing what's wise, and healthy?

What do you think you will regret, that will result in you beating yourself up over it?

[raytamtay3]

Typing from phone.To answer ur question, quite frankly its my history. For whatever reason Im the type of person who riddles themselves with guilt. Be it something i said out of anger or did out of spite, it literally will cunsume me. The guilt that is. Lately i do think ive gotten better. But as far as dd is concerned, i guess its a sense of obligation. Hmmm. As i type this i now see what the FOG is all about. Im ok this morning. I feel a little bad not going but glad at least dad is.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

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