Wedding Involvement

[tigers17]

Hi all..

My older sister has been diagnosed with BPD for a little bit, no progress has been made from her therapy. She continues to be unpredictable, cruel, high highs and low lows. One day I am sister of the year, the next breath I am public enemy number one.

I wasn't the target of her cruelty until about 3 or 4 years ago. I am 26 now, she is 30, so it wasn't until we both were in adulthood that I became the villain in her story depending on the season.

She always needs a target to blame for why her life is the way it is - I don't know if it is part of BPD or narcissistic tendencies all looped together.

It has me thinking of wedding planning and her involvement. She is my only sibling, we grew up together, and are a very tight extended, big family.

By default, she would be my maid of honor. She should be, people assume she will be, there is no reason not to assume that. I want her to be. At least I used to want that.
As I sit and write this today, if I am painfully honest, I don't think I want her involved at all. Not like this at least. When she is on and in reality, she is the best person in the world, the life of the party.
When she is emotional and wicked, it ruins everything.

So I'm stuck...between what is the lesser of two evils. It is always a lose-lose with her, and that is exhausting.

I want my sister involved, but I don't have the energy to comfort her. I don't have the energy to carry the guilt about getting married first, having friends I have kept in my life, finding joy when I know at her core she is lonely and sad.

The impossible puzzle continues...

If anyone else has navigated a wedding event or large life event, I'd love any insight. Or any stories in general on siblings with BPD. It's great to connect with you all with anything!

Cheers.

[Mommydoc]

Congratulations on your wedding. My younger sister has BPD but I had no idea when I got married. She was my maid of honor, and if I could go back ( many many years !) I wouldn’t have made that decision. There are always stressors at weddings and your maid of honor should have your back. She didn’t.

I don’t know what the right decision for you is, but this is your day and you deserve a maid of honor who will make your day special. If you don’t think your sister can do that, I would choose someone else.

It’s hard having a sibling with BPD. The cycle just keeps repeating itself, and the only thing you can do is accept that the only control you have is your own actions. You can change her.

[Mommydoc]

Oops, I meant you can’t change her!

[mama_katie]

I had my sister in law (w/BPD) as a bridesmaid back in 2011, and if I were to be getting married today, I don't think I would make that same decision. At the time, I primarily included her because it seemed like the "right" thing to do since I had my siblings in the wedding party and I did it for my husband as she is his only sibling. Although there fortunately was no major event at the wedding itself, she made things very uncomfortable for me during the planning and I don't think she really wanted to be a part of it. I think you have to kind of follow your gut and do what you feel is best for you and your spouse. Don't feel guilted or like there is a choice you "should" make. Best of luck and congrats!

[zachira]

You are far from alone in having to decide what to do about a sibling who could possibly ruin your wedding day. Past behaviors predicts future behaviors. The stories you are hearing/will hear from others with regrets about including a disordered person in their wedding are the most likely outcome when you have anybody invited to a wedding who intends to make the wedding about herself/himself and upstage the bride. We are to support you as you decide, and there is no right or wrong way to do this, just what feels right for you.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Not my sister.. but out of fear of an outburst and fight, I decided to prepare for my wedding with my BPD mother instead of my best friend.

I regret this decision, but I learned from it. I would have had a lot more fun with my best friend, who thankfully was not mad at me and understood, while my BPD mother spent the whole day making me feel bad for everyone else, promised to take care of others for whom I somehow became responsible for on MY wedding.

And there was still a fight and an outburst the next day.

so from my experience, the less your BPD sister does for you, the better.  It is YOUR day to enjoy.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi tigers17, 

The others have shared some helpful information from their own experiences. Another thought that we have often shared if you decide to to include her is to assign someone to stick like glue to her throughout the rehearsal and wedding. She can put her emotional energy into that person, but choose someone who is wise to BPD and your need to 'take care' of your sister. I'd also suggest not having her involved in any planning or helping except to be at the wedding, otherwise you'll go through a lot of unnecessary grief. Since a pwBPD has to be the center of attention, know that disruption will happen. Often it's not something they're aware of, but this is your special day and not hers.

 
Wools

[kells76]

Hi tigers17 and welcome;

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I was also 26 when I got married. The pwBPD in my life is my husband's kids' mom, so "lucky me" I did not invite her to the wedding 

That being said, it was still complicated to navigate. DH's kids were 7 & 5 at the time. 5 year old came to the wedding and had a good time, 7 year old felt loyal to Mom so didn't come. As much as I wish she could have been there, DH and I didn't push it. We purposefully kept the wedding small so that if/when either/both kids were there, we could focus on them and they would not feel "forgotten" in a big event. There were about 12 people there and it was in my parents' living room with my dad officiating. I didn't have any bridesmaids/maid of honor/etc and DH didn't have any best man/groomsmen/etc. My parents, sisters, and grandparents were there, plus one of my friends and a couple of DH's friends (he had family challenges at the time). We had a much bigger reception about a month later. It was tricky to not invite some family, but when we framed it as "keeping it small to focus on the kids, can't wait to see you at the reception", it was fine.

So that is just to say that a way around the "who to pick as maid of honor" dilemma is to not have any, if you feel comfortable with a "less traditional" wedding. From what little I remember of the day    the "vibes" I got from people were that everyone felt equally honored to be there, and it wasn't about making sure that other people knew who was "the most important friend/sibling". While going nontraditional can be challenging in some ways, it's very freeing in others. You can literally just do whatever you want that works the best for you (wore sneakers, didn't "do" my hair, had pie instead of cake, no songs/candles/speeches).

Hopefully this is one more piece of info that can help you navigate the situation with your sister -- so sorry there's so much stress around your day, and we'll be here for you to help you walk through what you want to do.

kells76

[WorkingThroughIt]

Oh wow, I totally could have wrote this .

I have the same age gap with my older BPD sister and she's been spiraling for months and is going into rehab next week. She's my only sibling, but she was abusive to me for the majority of our childhood and didn't start treating me like a sister until I was an adult and out of the house. Now she's almost obsessed with me and is super caught up on us being sisters.

My husband and I had to run off and get married on paper at the courthouse a few months ago because we were worried about a potential custody battle for my niece while my sister is out of control. Our actual wedding is at the end of this year and my sister is supposed to be one of my maids of honor.

I really didn't want her to be one when we initially got engaged pre-covid, I just wanted my SIL as my maid of honor, but my mom requested that I have both of them be maids of honor together to avoid the backlash. I was still on the fence about it, but my sister got me drunk and interrogated me about being my MOH and I ended up caving. Big mistake .

I found out right before dress shopping that she thinks I pressured my husband into marrying me because when we first got together (at 20/21) he didn't believe in marriage and he changed his mind as he got older. So the whole buildup to dress shopping made me more anxious than excited, just knowing that she was sitting there thinking that about me. She never asked me what I liked, kept trying to put me in dresses she'd wear that were not flattering on me, and got her feathers ruffled about my SIL taking lead since my SIL had asked me about my preferences before we went. Then like a month later, my sister blew up on me over text about how it was BS that I made her a "half" MOH and how uncomfortable she was at my dress appointment.

Having her involved has been nothing but stress so far, and I'm already stressed in advance about navigating a bachelorette party when she's about to go into rehab and obviously can't be surrounded by alcohol. I'm not even trying to have a big party, I just planned on going wine tasting with our moms involved . Obviously going to have to figure out how to stop her from drinking at the actual wedding at a winery too.

I highly recommend having a backup MOH who's aware of the situation with your sister. My SIL has been so reassuring so far in making sure things are about me and keeping me from stressing about the what-ifs with my sister. She's really strong, beat cancer twice and takes no nonsense, so I gave her full permission to keep my sister in line if worse comes to worst. And while I might give her some small MOH-like tasks to make her feel involved, she really wants to do a speech, she's not touching any of the big stuff.

Your wedding is YOUR day and you shouldn't have to feel like you're walking on eggshells to keep your sister from throwing a tantrum. Delegate whoever you can to help handle her so you can enjoy your day, and good luck with your wedding planning!
 

[beatricex]

My first wedding is kind of a blur.  I think it's common for people to describe "not remembering" parts of their actual wedding?  The ceremony, reception, etc.   I believe it has to do with adreneline and the high we feel.  I don't remember talking to people but there were pictures to prove I worked the room with my groom.    

What I do remember is my BPD mom did try to ruin my wedding, at every step of me planning it until the opening of presents and the honeymoon afterward.  With a lot of drama we had to move the date, she didn't come to my dress fitting, she asked me if I was even going to ask my Dad to walk me down the aisle (parents are agnostic/aethestic and I got married in a Church - gasp!).  She didn't want to come to my MILs to open presents afterward as is traditional, she "felt uncomfortable."  Guests had a great time dancing, videographer captured all that - Mom wouldn't watch the wedding tape with us when we returned from the honeymoon, too hurt.  The top of our cake got put in her freezer (not sure why), as is tradition, you are supposed to eat it on your 1 year anniversary?  She "accidentally" threw it out.

So, it was the emotional rollarcoaster of the planning and afterevents (not the actual wedding) I remember and in hindsight, if my first husband hadn't wanted the catholic wedding, I would have preferred we elope. 

Good luck, and I like the idea posed to get your sister a BPD-sitter.  Genius.  But you might need the sitter for the pre and post wedding activities too...
 
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