Isolation of daughter from wider family

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi

I have been separated from my uBPD wife for over 2 and a half years now. Her GP has indicated that she has a Personality Disorder and "behavioural problems" but that's as far as a diagnosis goes. There is a UK Court Order in place setting out contact arrangements between me and my 7 year old daughter, who still lives with her mother. Recently, all contact has ceased due to my wife manipulating our daughter and alienating her against us, meaning that she does not see me or the rest of my family now.  I have also recently discovered that my daughter has been isolated from the rest of the family on her mother's side. Her maternal grandmother has not seen her for over 18 months and her mother does not return correspondence. The whole family is now united to do something, but we are struggling to know what to do as we are worried about my wife's reaction. I fear that she may become very unpredictable. She has refused to work with the local Family Worker and although Children's Services have been informed, their threshold for action is much higher. Clearly I can go back to court for the Court Order to be enforced, but I want to get the divorce out of the way first as I think that is the trigger for the current problems.

So, I am wondering if the family should write her a joint letter asking if they can see Ella and offering any help she may need to enable this to happen. Really not sure what else might be productive but worried it might all backfire. Hard to see how it could get any worse though... .

[davepi]

Hi

I have been separated from my uBPD wife for over 2 and a half years now. Her GP has indicated that she has a Personality Disorder and "behavioural problems" but that's as far as a diagnosis goes. There is a UK Court Order in place setting out contact arrangements between me and my 7 year old daughter, who still lives with her mother. Recently, all contact has ceased due to my wife manipulating our daughter and alienating her against us, meaning that she does not see me or the rest of my family now.  I have also recently discovered that my daughter has been isolated from the rest of the family on her mother's side. Her maternal grandmother has not seen her for over 18 months and her mother does not return correspondence. The whole family is now united to do something, but we are struggling to know what to do as we are worried about my wife's reaction. I fear that she may become very unpredictable. She has refused to work with the local Family Worker and although Children's Services have been informed, their threshold for action is much higher. Clearly I can go back to court for the Court Order to be enforced, but I want to get the divorce out of the way first as I think that is the trigger for the current problems.

So, I am wondering if the family should write her a joint letter asking if they can see Ella and offering any help she may need to enable this to happen. Really not sure what else might be productive but worried it might all backfire. Hard to see how it could get any worse though... .

[ForeverDad]

Hard to see how it could get any worse though... .

That's it in a nutshell.  Why walk on eggshells when the worst has happened and no one gets contact with the child.  (Okay, there are other terrible things, you and all the relatives could be accused of murder, assorted mayhem and child abuse, etc.)

Isolation is a common tactic/behavior with BPD and other acting-out Personality Disorders such as Borderline, Narcissistic, Antisocial, Histrionic and Paranoid.

I can't say whether to pursue the divorce before seeking contact.  Not knowing all the details of your situation, I would lean toward placing contact sooner than finishing the divorce.  Weigh the factors.  Delaying contact longer is not good for your daughter.  On the other hand, getting the divorce done first may remove some financial or other logistical uncertainties.

Will her family writing a letter to her make a difference?  Likely not.  BPD is a disorder marked by blaming and blame shifting.  She's not listening to you and not even to her own relatives.  Why?  She cannot listen because anything said or written is perceived with all the accompanying emotional baggage of the past relationships.  Though her perceptions are distorted, it's just too much to her to ignore.  Since you and her family have no impact on her, then you have to turn to The Only Real Authority, the courts.

One reason to seek resolution now is that if you seek majority time, decision making and/or custody, then it is much better to get that done now during the temporary order rather than wait for a divorce and then try to modify the final decree, especially if the issues being complained about were present even before the divorce was completed.

My thoughts... .Stand up for your daughter ASAP.  The longer you wait, the more concerned the court might be regarding you, wondering why you waited so long to enforce your parenting.  Might be.  I add that because my ex blocked my father-child contact for three months and when we appeared in court all the magistrate did was to confirm with mother that it was correct and then said, "I'll fix that" and reset the parenting features of the prior order that had been dismissed.  Nothing more, no finger wagging, no expression of displeasure, no consequences.

Short term goal - You should seek enforcement of any current parenting schedule in effect now.

Medium and Long term goals - You should seek more time, perhaps even custody and majority time, stating that you can share your child but your ex will not or cannot.  (Even if the court doesn't want to give you full custody - many decrees specify 'joint' custody - at least try to strengthen your involvement in decision making such as by at least having tie-breaker status.)  The good thing is that you have even her family on your side, though whether it will stay that way once the current issue is resolved is unknown.  So probably best not to delay, once they see the child again then they may not want the hassle of supporting you against her ire.  You probably need a Custody Evaluation or whatever it is called in your country.  I had a custody evaluator, a very perceptive one, a child psychologist, and he noted the blocking behaviors of my ex and the entire report could have been summarized in these three sentences: "Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can... .  Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody... .  If Shared Parenting is tried and fails then father should get custody... ."

[ForeverDad]

A 7 year old child does not have the choice whether to follow the ordered parenting schedule.  (However, 16 or 17 year old teens might since they can "vote with their feet".)

When you do take this to court, be prepared for horrid allegations of DV (Domestic Violence), child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment.  She will try anything to stay in control, whatever it takes to make you look worse than her.  In the end, though, the court is the real authority.  Whether the court will choose to stand up to her  and do more than just enforce the current order or let her stay in control largely depends upon your documentation.

To help you highlight her behaviors, read what Richard Warshak writes in his inexpensive book Divorce Poison.  He notes that it is common for the high conflict parent to (1) block contact with the children and (2) alienate them from the ex, ex's relatives and even others who might support ex.  He describes how professionals can detect whether children are influenced improperly when the children reject ALL ex's relatives as bad.  One or a few relatives might be rightly viewed as bad, but surely not all.  Same goes for the targeted parent, seldom is a parent rejected with cause by a child.  For example, a parent may be a drunk, a lazy bum, and children will still naturally love that parent.  Right now, with her just 7 years old, it's likely you're not rejected, just that your daughter is blocked and perhaps even pressured not to have contact with you.  Without contact it's hard to know how much she's been indoctrinated.  For that reason, while seeking contact again and additional responsibility in parenting, also get the court to order counseling for her with an experienced counselor, not one who can be fooled or manipulated by ex.

[Panda39]

I agree with ForeverDad you need to act.  Parental Alienation is no joke the longer your daughter is isolated and brainwashed by her mother the more damage is done.

My SO had this go on with his daughters to the point that they falsely accused him of being abusive.  His uBPDxw had him dragged in to court (she did not even bother to show up... .obviously she was greatly concerned... .NOT!). He was cleared by the court.

His younger daughter even recently during a discussion with him said she had thought he was abusive even though he is not and never has been and  she has never witnessed anything of the kind.  She just believed what her mother fed her.  My SO was awarded primary custody of his daughters and has good open relationships with both now but it took a couple of years to get it back to this place.  There was a lot of trust lost on both sides and it has taken time for all of them to regain trust of each other.

Parental Alienation can go much further than what I've illustrated above so fight for your daughter now don't wait.  Remember she is having to negotiate a BPD mother and her mothers behaviors by herself... .she needs you and the rest of her family.

[davepi]

Thanks ForeverDad and Panda39 so much for your thoughts.

I have nearly exhausted all other avenues, so it's definitely time to act. I am pretty sure that the recent problems are all to do with me pursuing divorce, and every time I back down, more damage has been done to my relationship with my daughter, but we are no further on. There will never be a good time to get the divorce through the courts though, so now is as good a time as any time. However, I also need to resolve the contact arrangements, and in the UK courts both financial matters and contact can be looked at in parallel as part of the divorce, so I think that is it what I will do: petition for a Divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and indicate that arrangements for contact need to be resolved. Thanks ever so much!

[david]

My ex alienated our two boys when she first left. It took some time to help them get over it and things are fine now.

I remember being afraid (walking of eggshells) from me ex's reactions to things I did. Once I figured things were not going to get better until I started acting instead of reacting things actually did improve.

[ForeverDad]

... .and every time I back down, more damage has been done to my relationship with my daughter, but we are no further on.

And every time you backed down it reinforced her perception that doing such things always worked on you.  While you may have tried to be reasonable and flexible she interpreted it as weakness and saw it as a signal she could do whatever her moods and feelings of the moment dictated.  Sorry, but neither you nor the court should expect reciprocity.  All your good behaviors will not give her incentive to behave well too.  Firm boundaries are required, even if it's not in your nature.  You're not being mean or unfair, you're just dealing with "What Is".

You will have to be that irresistible force to her brick wall.

You will have to be that brick wall to her irresistible force.

(Whichever works best.)

Doing it alone didn't work.  Doing it with her relatives didn't work.  Now's the time to go to the real authority, the court and perhaps some agencies too.

I remember being afraid (walking of eggshells) from me ex's reactions to things I did. Once I figured things were not going to get better until I started acting instead of reacting things actually did improve.

Playing defense only doesn't work in football or most other games.  We're not the sort to be overly aggressive or outright bad, there's a real need in high conflict cases to be very firm, decisive, assertive and resourceful.

There will never be a good time to get the divorce through the courts though, so now is as good a time as any time.

Reality.  Accept it.  Ponder your options and set up some strategies to get you to your goal, effective and empowered parenting.  Not all of them will work but most will.  It's okay to review the situation periodically and make adjustments to your strategies too.

[david]

Also, when I started acting, by doing what I thought best for our boys, ex didn't know what to do except to spew more anger. I realized it was simply a bully tactic. It may have gotten a little more intense from her but she really couldn't do anything to me except throw false allegations at me. The wilder the allegations the better things got because it exposed what she was doing to others around her. I used to have people she worked with come up to me in a public place and tell me I needed to stay away from ex because she had issues.

But you do need to take precautions. My ex eventually charged me with assault. I was found guilty of disorderly conduct and put in prison for two weeks. I lost my job too. I never laid a hand on her but I had no proof. She had a scrap on her hand or arm but I had nothing to do with that. I was just picking up our son because she threw him out of her place. I now have an audio recorder and a video recorder with me whenever ex is potentially near me. I made sure she knows it. That was in 2010. Since then I haven't had a single charge or protection order filed against me. Prior to that I had three protection orders and the assault charge against me. She has complained, through her atty, that I am not allowed to record things so I know she doesn't like it. I am fairly certain that if I didn't have them she would still be filing some kind of charges against me.