hot and then cold

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

My ex has BPD.  We were engaged but she broke up with me around April/May.  Moved to another city 1400 km away.  We did no contact for a while and she moved on with another person.  I was and am taking the breakup very badly.  I just love her so much and the way things ended left me bewildered and in total shock.  Her leaving me was very very unexpected. 

Fast forward till October and all of a sudden she starts contacting me again and are really nice and actually owns up to all the things she did that was wrong.    I knew I was playing with fire letting her back into my life but if you love a person that is what happens.

We decided to take a holiday together over xmas.  We were very excited and could not wait.  The next day when I was about the pay the flights she stops all communication.  I just sent her two texts saying that there is no pressure from me and I hope she is ok.  That is it.

What I want to know is what is that?  Is that splitting?  And what can I do to not make things worse? 

please help as I am really at a loss.

[itgirl]

Hi,

My ex has BPD.  We were engaged but she broke up with me around April/May.  Moved to another city 1400 km away.  We did no contact for a while and she moved on with another person.  I was and am taking the breakup very badly.  I just love her so much and the way things ended left me bewildered and in total shock.  Her leaving me was very very unexpected. 

Fast forward till October and all of a sudden she starts contacting me again and are really nice and actually owns up to all the things she did that was wrong.    I knew I was playing with fire letting her back into my life but if you love a person that is what happens.

We decided to take a holiday together over xmas.  We were very excited and could not wait.  The next day when I was about the pay the flights she stops all communication.  I just sent her two texts saying that there is no pressure from me and I hope she is ok.  That is it.

What I want to know is what is that?  Is that splitting?  And what can I do to not make things worse? 

please help as I am really at a loss.

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear this, itgirl! 

This is another round of push/pull I guess. Holidays on xmas is something special - could be easily a trigger. The moment you are paying the flights is someway fixed, decided. That's the moment when she is pulling back. Its part of the interpersonal illness.

Right now you cannot do much more beside deep breathing and posting here.

Are you familiar a bit with Validation?

[itgirl]

I am clueless when it comes to BPD.  All I know is that it leaves destruction behind. 

What do you mean by validation?  My take on this is maybe now that she knows I still love her and wanted to see her and have her in her life she doesn't need me anymore. 

Any insight would be much appreciated.  I want to understand this for myself. 

[itgirl]

crying and all this hurt.  how can one person hurt another so much.  telling me on sunday how lovely our holiday will be and then boom come Monday no contact.  just total silence.

I think I should seek some help for myself.

[123Phoebe]

Hi itgirl,

So saddened to hear of the hurt you're experiencing

It is not uncommon for pwBPD to become overwhelmed by the mere thought of intimacy/closeness.

You asked about Splitting and Validation; here are a couple of links touching on these issues:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

A lot of members have found comfort and direction by talking with a therapist; helping to better understand ourselves and what it is that draws us to this dynamic.

There are a lot of links on all of the home boards that can help explain just about anything that pop into our minds.  If you need help navigating or would like a little better clarification, please feel free to ask.  We're all in this together, learning along the way... .

For now, please try to eat, sleep, exercise and be as good and gentle with yourself as you can muster. 

It's good to have you here

[EdR]

crying and all this hurt.  how can one person hurt another so much.  telling me on sunday how lovely our holiday will be and then boom come Monday no contact.  just total silence.



I think I should seek some help for myself.

Hi there! I am really sorry to hear all this. It must be extremely hard. :-(

Just try to remain collected, as these kinds of things can and will drive you nuts. Try and read some of the posts on this forum. You'll often read about this sudden Silent Treatment. Not every member here seems to have experienced it to the same degree, but a lot have.

It's not you. It's the sad, confusing and hurtful way they seem to be wired. As soon as you'll come too close (emotionally speaking), they just short-circuit. I've been given the Silent Treatment a lot tbh... and it is EXTREMELY painful.

So hang in there :-)

P.S. I normally post in the 'leaving' subsection. I hope it's no problem I posted here just for once

[Surnia]

  itgirl

I want apologize, I was a bit short in my answer to you. (I was at work, sometimes not wise.)

Thank you Phoebe to clarify with the right resources and EdR too. (no prob about posting here too.)

The sudden changes are one of the big challenges in relationships with SO with BPD. The lack of interpersonal consistence makes it so hurtful.

Please keep in mind: It has nothing to do with you. Not you are causing it. 

[itgirl]

@Phoebe - Thank you so much for the links.  It is very difficult to understand how she could be overwhelmed by the thought of intimacy but I have read a lot of stuff on the board and it makes sence. 

@EdR  Thank you for your words.  Silent treatment is the worst.  The not knowing.  I saw she posted on Facebook so at least she is alive and I dont have to worry that she is in trouble. 

Surnia  No apology needed.  You helped alot by your explanation regarding that xmas is special and that might have been the trigger. 

What I now fear as that she will feel so ashamed by her actions that she will not contact me or even look at the text message I sent her.

There is not anything I can do as I dont want to contact her and freak her out even more.  All I can do is wait for her to calm down and reach out.  Best is that I move on with my life and not sit around and let my mind be consumed of thoughts of her. 

I am going to go to therapy as I can't deal with this on my own any longer.  My family and friends are so fed up with her that I am not allowed to talk about her and they would not be happy to hear actually invited and payed for her flight to come visit over xmas. 

I know there is no pill for BPD but she stopped taking her anti-depressants around three weeks ago.  I take it this could also have an effect on her behavour.

Thanks for listening guys.  It really helps to get it all out.  Even to a bunch of strangers.

[connect]

Hi Itgirl,

Yes the silent treatment is all too common and I personally find it almost unbearable. I am getting better at handling it now though with the help of these boards and not taking it so personally. "Ride the storm" is now my motto as long term these silent teatments really dont always stick (however much they feel like they will at the time)

The more you read on here the more it will help you. If you click on my posts you can read about my experiences of it and what happened. (I am still with my guy)

Therapy for you is GREAT! I can recommend cbt as it's a very practical type of therapy. More about the here and now rather than the past. More to help you cope right at this moment in time.

My friends also dont want to talk about my r/s anymore with me and thats another can of woms in itself. Again - the boards help as we DO understand here.

Try to look long term - the option of a holiday is most certainly in her head - let her deal with that option for now - sometimes they do need some space to process things - esp involving closeness. 

[connect]

btw - when my bf came off his antidepressants his behaviour most certainly became more challenging. I really noticed it - so I think it could have something to do with it. I hope she will settle down as she gets used to not being on them 

[itgirl]

@connect 

thank you for your post.  I have heard about CBT and will ask my doctor about it.  I will try and look long term and focus on myself and exercise.   Like you mention it is the 'not taking it personally' that is very hard for me.  But I know in my heart I did nothing wrong.  It was just so great to know we will spend xmas together and to have that thought ripped away also hurts.

I will read through your posts as I feel it helps me to see that I am not the only person dealing with this.

[Surnia]

There is not anything I can do as I dont want to contact her and freak her out even more.  All I can do is wait for her to calm down and reach out.  Best is that I move on with my life and not sit around and let my mind be consumed of thoughts of her. 

I am going to go to therapy as I can't deal with this on my own any longer. 

This is a great focus, moving on with your live and support of a good therapist. 

[itgirl]

Update:  It has been 14 days of silent treatment.  It has been very difficult but i have not contacted her.  I think that maybe she is just isolating herself and it actually has nothing to do with me.  But the result remains the same and I will continue to not go back to my old ways of being the care taker.

I am focussing on myself:

Going to gym 5 times a week

Doing CBT

Forcing myself to go out with friends

Whenever I think of her to let go of the thought and focus on something else.

The above works.  But some days I am just so anxious about the whole thing and feel I need to post here to get it out of my system. 

[connect]

You are handling this very well. Posting here is a great way to deal with your feelings too as we do all understand 

[Surnia]

The above works.  But some days I am just so anxious about the whole thing and feel I need to post here to get it out of my system. 

We are here for you.