How has therapy helped YOU, I'm embarking on therapy

[Feeling Better]

Hi

It just crossed my mind that many of the posts here are about our kids, how they treat us, their behaviour and how it affects us. We are all doing our best to help our kids. We are parents so naturally our first concerns are going to be for our kids. But what about US?

I have just this week started therapy for myself, a big step (for me) that I have finally decided to take.

I would love to hear other parents’ thoughts and experiences with therapy and how it has helped them to deal with all the stresses of having a child/adult child with BPD x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Hi Feelingbetter, I have been in and out of therapy for the last 28 years, I have my own issues (go figure). I also am a counselor for chemical dependency. My BPD daughter has been in and out therapy too, back in intense right now. Speaking only for myself, therapy has saved my life, kept me focused on myself and helped me learn that self care is utmost at all times. No way is this easy, for me it takes a daily conscious thought. When I open my eyes in the morning the first thing I ask myself is how do I want the day to go. Yes there are days when I don't have the strength or courage to make the day what it needs to be. Oh my gosh sometimes I just get so worn out, worn down. But I know there will be tomorrow for me attempt my best again. I have been and still am  a single parent, therapy maintains my touchstone with reality. Other than this sight (which I just found) therapy was my only place for validation. If you're going keep going, please make sure your therapist is right for you. One of the hardest issues I have with daughter is boundaries. Mine are very strong, I keep them for my sanity. She doesn't have a clue what they are, how to get them, why we need them. She tells me constantly that I "keep rules" just to antagonize her. I feel like my boundaries are my foundation, it is the one constant I can count on for myself.
   I don't know how you are with boundaries, it's just my suggestion to find out about hem, work on them. Your therapy can help in this. Hope this way helpful to you. Maybe we will talk again Bluek9

[Scout206]

I have been looking for a therapist for myself for 6 weeks.   I finally think I have found someone - we'll see.   My first appointment will be next week.   I'm nervous but feeling hopeful.  I need to live my life without always feeling sad about my BPD30 daughter.  I love her so much but I need to rediscover how to love myself.  Wish my luck!   Scout

[livednlearned]

I have a wonderful therapist who has helped me do two things. One is to learn how to process my own sad feelings so that I'm not so quick to deny them in my son. For a long time, I would recognize his emotional distress and then reassure him because I wasn't sure how to sit with difficult feelings in myself, much less with his.

The other one is recognizing when my son is bamboozling me. That's my therapist's word for it.

My partner also has a bipolar/BPD D20 and she is a master bamboozler    so for a period of time we did couples counseling to try and work on our boundaries with D20.

I go see my therapist for tune-ups, like whenever I have a situation that stumps me. I think a lot of it comes down to distress tolerance so I'm not so emotional or triggered when dealing with upsetting situations, and then learning skilled ways to communicate my feelings and boundaries.

[Feeling Better]

bluek9

Thank you so much for sharing, your positivity shines through your post. I actually woke up this morning and thought about you and what you had written:

quote bluek9
When I open my eyes in the morning the first thing I ask myself is how do I want the day to go. Yes there are days when I don't have the strength or courage to make the day what it needs to be. Oh my gosh sometimes I just get so worn out, worn down. But I know there will be tomorrow for me attempt my best again.

You are right, the day is what you make it.

Boundaries! Yes, I need to do extra work on these, I am basically a people pleaser, I hate upsetting people. I am slowly learning to put myself first for a change. So thank you once again for your wonderful insight x

[Feeling Better]

Scout206

I so wish you luck, loads and loads, buckets full of luck! We need it don’t we? I hope that the therapy that we are both undertaking helps us both enormously.

quote
I'm nervous but feeling hopeful.  I need to live my life without always feeling sad about my BPD30 daughter.  I love her so much but I need to rediscover how to love myself. 

My sentiments exactly. We get so distracted caring for and worrying about our BPD kids that we don’t realise how it is affecting us, our own health, and then we wake up one day and wonder how on earth we ended up like this.

At my first session I was asked what I want to achieve from counselling. This is my answer:
I want to feel better about myself
I want to improve my self esteem
I want to rebuild my confidence
I want my sense of humour back

I have since thought of another goal, which is:
I want to be kinder to myself

Looking at what I’ve just listed, I think I’m going to have my work cut out but at least I am up for it!

Wishing you luck again Scout206. Keep sharing x

[Feeling Better]

livednlearned

Thank you also for your insight.

quote
I have a wonderful therapist who has helped me do two things. One is to learn how to process my own sad feelings so that I'm not so quick to deny them in my son. For a long time, I would recognize his emotional distress and then reassure him because I wasn't sure how to sit with difficult feelings in myself, much less with his.

I can relate to this, emotions can definitely be tricky. Personally, I am not the best at expressing emotions, in fact, I tend to avoid talking about myself, probably because my feelings of self worth are low and I have always put other people’s feelings before my own. Things are hopefully about to change!

You write about learning skilled ways to communicate emotions and boundaries, I think that is so important for all of us in all our relationships. Thank you so much x

[wendydarling]

Hi Feeling Better

This is a great topic, thanks for sharing, it's a big step for you, well done for doing it.  

At my first session I was asked what I want to achieve from counselling. This is my answer:
I want to feel better about myself
I want to improve my self esteem
I want to rebuild my confidence
I want my sense of humour back

I have since thought of another goal, which is:
I want to be kinder to myself

Looking at what I’ve just listed, I think I’m going to have my work cut out but at least I am up for it!

We often talk here about how important our self care and you are doing just that being kinder to yourself.    I relate to you wanting your sense of humour back, that's a great goal too.

My share is grief counselling in 2016.  My father passed in 2015 and within 2 months my 29DD hit crisis, hospitalised and diagnosed BPD unsurprisingly my anxiety was sky high and I focused 100% on my DD, living day by day anxious and fearful as you say Feeling Better we focus on our kids. I was aware I was grieving but I couldn't  separate out the two - my father and my DD as my anxiety over my DD's situation was winning the day. I often felt sad I did not have the time to be with my feelings for my father, I pushed them down, hoping for time another day. The day did come, when I realised I needed help to resolve this, I could'nt do it on my own.

Grief counselling provided me the space to leave my anxiety about my DD outside the counsellors door and focus on me. It allowed me to talk about my feelings for my father, to feel close to him, without BPD in the room. I found peace.

Feeling Better, Scout2 good luck, let us know how it goes.

WDx

[bluek9]

Feeling Better, I just read all the responses to your post. I'm happy to able to show you a perspective for the day. That's what works for me. Let me just repeat what others have said, boundaries are a great foundation for your sanity. I certainly know they help my sanity. Remember boundaries don't have or need to be 6 foot block walls. For me mot of the time my boundaries give me the time and space to think: what kind of impact is what this person's asking of me going to have on me? They can keep me from running myself ragged doing for others, they keep from being a door mat. And oh yes it definitely takes practice to say NO. My BPD D is very smooth at manipulating, over the years my boundaries have come into play a lot. One of the best things about them is that my D knows I will always be consistent in my responses, no matter what angel she uses to persuade me. Again this often makes her angry and she pouts sometimes for days. It helps me if I can find some kind of compromise or alternative to what she wants. Right now we are currently working on the concept of what is a need and what is a want. It's a real mind blower to her that there is a difference. Keep up your practice of boundaries, and the therapy. I'll eager to hear about any progress you make, please do share.

[Feeling Better]

Hi WD

Thanks for sharing your experience with grief counselling, I am so pleased to hear that it helped you to find peace.

quote
I often felt sad I did not have the time to be with my feelings for my father, I pushed them down, hoping for time another day. The day did come, when I realised I needed help to resolve this, I could'nt do it on my own.

Yes, we often struggle on, thinking we can manage on our own, I know I did, and then one day realisation kicks in and that is the day that we ask for help. I’m so glad that I made that decision x

[Feeling Better]

bluek9

quote
Let me just repeat what others have said, boundaries are a great foundation for your sanity. I certainly know they help my sanity. Remember boundaries don't have or need to be 6 foot block walls. For me mot of the time my boundaries give me the time and space to think: what kind of impact is what this person's asking of me going to have on me? They can keep me from running myself ragged doing for others, they keep from being a door mat.

Thanks bluek9, I have felt that I have been that doormat way too many times!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Thanks FB, I did find peace and wish the same for you.

Yes, we often struggle on, thinking we can manage on our own, I know I did, and then one day realisation kicks in and that is the day that we ask for help. I’m so glad that I made that decision x

That's why it's so important we are here supporting each other, finding solutions that work for us.

bluek9 you so eloquently describe boundaries what they are and what they are not and how they help you daily. You say you are currently working on the concept of what is a need and what is a want. It's a real mind blower to your daughter that there is a difference, many parents here are working on understanding boundaries thank you for sharing your learning.
 
WDx

[Meili]

One of the biggest things that I have learned from therapy was a sense of self-worth. It's still a work in progress, but I've come far.

We talk about boundaries quiet a lot on the various boards here, but I find that many struggle with defining and maintaining boundaries because of a poor sense of self-worth. We have to believe that we are important and worthy enough to have our boundaries no matter how another feels about them.

One of the other major benefits for me that came from therapy was a much greater ability to be Mindful and think with my Wise Mind. I am now better able to see when I've shifted too far toward emotional or logical thinking and I'm paying attention to the other side of my brain.

[wendydarling]

Hi WD

Yes, we often struggle on, thinking we can manage on our own, I know I did, and then one day realisation kicks in and that is the day that we ask for help. I’m so glad that I made that decision x

So very true FB, I'm glad you arrived to help yourself and by parent's here. It's a journey to be at that point to step over the fence. Well done you, be proud of you, I am proud of you FB, things do get better  

WDx

[wendydarling]

Scout 206 been wondering how your first appointment went for you?

Feeling Better, this is a great thread to keep going, bumped up for others to join the conversation, hope your sessions are progressing well.

WDx

[Feeling Better]

Hi WD

Thanks for bumping up my thread, with other distractions going on in my life right now I kinda let this slip.

Thank you for your kind words in your previous post, yes, you are right, I should be proud of myself and I need to keep reminding myself of that. I don’t normally do self praise but I guess there’s a first time for everything!

MEILI (sorry, I’m on iPad and it won’t do bold)
Thank you for your post, it means a lot.
Self worth, yes, I get that, that is something that I definitely need help with. Thanks for pointing out the connection between self worth and boundaries, I can clearly see now why I’ve struggled putting boundaries in place, too much a people pleaser, more concerned about other people’s feelings than my own, everybody more important than me.

How difficult was it to learn to be mindful? Or maybe I should rephrase that and ask, was it easy to become mindful? That is something that I would like to explore.

[Feeling Better]

WD, thanks for taking an interest in my sessions, all seems to be going well at the moment, but I do wonder if I’m the best candidate for therapy. I don’t open up very easily and often find it difficult to talk about feelings. I guess it’s all down to trust. I like my counsellor and I feel comfortable with her and she makes me feel safe.

I have had three sessions now, the first one was about me filling her in on what had brought me to therapy, so that one was ok.

The second session was quite emotional as there was a lot of talk about uBPD son, bringing up things that I’d put to the back of my mind and I thought I’d managed to get through it unscathed. I wasn’t really prepared for the after effects of processing what had been discussed, and I found myself almost back at square one. I became a complete emotional wreck again, I couldn’t believe it and would have gladly, at that point, never gone back to counselling ever again. H tried desperately to support me but he’s not very good with all things emotional and he ended up trying to apply logic to everything I said. I felt devastated again, thinking that it had taken me months to get to where I was pre counselling and that it would probably take me months to get back there again. Thankfully, it was short lived, but still too many days of suffering, if you know what I mean.

Third session she wanted to talk about my childhood, that’s when the cynic in me came to the fore. I thought ‘here we go, typical therapy, let’s delve into her childhood, blame it on her upbringing. What’s that got to do with the fact that my uBPD son trashed me, hurt my feelings more than anyone I’ve ever known, told me what a horrible person I am, left me feeling like a complete failure as a mother and with no feeling of self worth whatsoever’. If anyone can enlighten me as to why it is deemed necessary to explore childhood memories I would be really pleased to hear. I’ve never done therapy before, so if anyone can reassure me that we are going down the right track that would be great.

I will see what happens at my next session. I have lots to talk about, seeing as my mother decided to get her claws out, the day after my last session, and bring me down a peg or two. No concern for how I am or what I’m going through, oh no, she had to get things off her chest to make herself feel better!

SCOUT206, I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how your therapy is going. I hope you are doing alright. We are all here if you want to share, we are all on the same journey.

I hope that others out there are willing to share too. We can all learn from each other x

[wendydarling]

I think you are right FB it’s all down to trust, trusting the therapist to talk about difficult feelings, experiences – we are hesitant to open-up and feel. It sounds well, she makes you feel safe.
 
What you are experiencing emotionally following the session relates exactly to what my DD shared with me after her DBT weekly therapy session, emotionally exhausted it took her days to recover, ready for the next session, she kept going so yes, I know what you mean! And my DD also spoke of the days running up to the session were emotionally exhausting too, the dread, have you felt that?

“Third session she wanted to talk about my childhood, that’s when the cynic in me came to the fore. I thought ‘here we go, typical therapy, let’s delve into her childhood, blame it on her upbringing. What’s that got to do with the fact that my uBPD son trashed me, hurt my feelings more than anyone I’ve ever known, told me what a horrible person I am, left me feeling like a complete failure as a mother and with no feeling of self-worth whatsoever’. If anyone can enlighten me as to why it is deemed necessary to explore childhood memories I would be really pleased to hear. I’ve never done therapy before, so if anyone can reassure me that we are going down the right track that would be great.”

FB you’ve been through one of the worst experiences a mother, father could, at the moment your son has walked away from you in the most hurtful, destructive way and sometimes it’s hard to remember it’s prompted by disorder – the hurt is real and a symptom it’s kicked your self-worth and much more. Therapy works towards re-building self-worth, just like we do right here, step out of the drama and build healthy skills, behaviours and view of self. I’ve never considered therapy to apportion blame, though completely understand where you are coming from.  

"I have lots to talk about, seeing as my mother decided to get her claws out, the day after my last session, and bring me down a peg or two. No concern for how I am or what I’m going through, oh no, she had to get things off her chest to make herself feel better!"

I read your post about your mother on the parents/sibs board and I’m glad you’ve got lots to talk about – with all that happened over Christmas, this is a relationship web to unravel and the power your mother likely unwittingly holds over you. Sometimes our parents may with best intentions try to keep things together in situations – desperate to fix, get in neck deep without recognising how undermining, invalidating – may think they are helping their loved ones. You are taking the opportunity to understand dynamics of what is happening, to be able to stand back with clarity, see your truth and build your capacity to lead your family in a healthy and loving way, direction. I applaud you for that. If you feel prickly/distressed about issues raised in therapy, my DD practices (DBT skill distress tolerance) sits with those uncomfortable feelings, works through the emotional discomfort and comes through, acceptance.

BPD pushes us way off our centre (understatement), as can other relationships if we allow.

Continue forwards FB  , you are doing this for you, others will follow  

We are here for you.

WDx

[Judes]

Hi,
I started therapy by accident as it happened in August 2016. I am still having it on & off.  I try to attend group therapy workshops too with Ari Badaines an experienced Psychologist.  Therapy has most definitely saved my sanity. Although a slow and painful lesson,  I am learning that I matter in this. My needs do matter and I have a right and "duty" to care for myself. To recognise and to own my pain, so it can heal. To stop feeling guilty and really accept that nothing will EVER be enough to change my BPD daughter's behaviour... .only SHE can do that. She is high functioning and so fails to see her issues and fails to seek help.  Therapy is helping me to live MY life, but not in a selfish way. The better I feel about myself, the less I add to my daughter's pain... .in a funny way. It is so tough.

My advice is to be patient with yourself. Progress was slow for me... .there is no quick fix. I made lots of notes after each session, which is useful to look back on. Notes about my feelings, as well as incidents and my daughter's reactions. Keep up the therapy... .it will pay off... .x

[Judes]

Hi again

I want to say that I too recognise the link between self worth and boundaries. Therapy has helped me hugely with that. Each time I set a boundary I felt mean and guilty. I felt I was cruel and wrong and hurting my BPD... .now I see not setting boundaries hurts me, hurts my husband as I feel resentful that I am suffering... .plus hurts her in the long run as in not setting a boundary I teach her it is OK to abuse me.  It is tough as my daughter can cut contact for 6 months if I say, I am not going to continue listening if she chooses to be abusive... .or say not to more money.  I need to be more aware and stronger and yes- build my self esteem which I have started. Plus join activity groups where you can be validated for the lovely person you are.  All easy to write... .just gotta do it!

[Skip]

I would love to hear other parents’ thoughts and experiences with therapy and how it has helped them to deal with all the stresses of having a child/adult child with BPD x

Feeling Better, this is a great discussion

I also am a counselor for chemical dependency.

bluek9, now I know where you got you great support skills.  

I need to live my life without always feeling sad about my BPD30 daughter.  I love her so much but I need to rediscover how to love myself.  Wish my luck!  

Scout206, I wish you the best in this endeavor. Bring able to love her AND not feel so sad is an important goal for both of you.

I want to say that I too recognise the link between self worth and boundaries. Therapy has helped me hugely with that. Each time I set a boundary I felt mean and guilty.

Judes, your therapist sound good. This is an important point that many people miss. Its the values that we stand for and live that are the foundation of relationships with others... .when that is clear, the boundaries are more palatable to others that might see thing differently.

I don't know if you read our article on Boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I can easily say that there was more time invested and more people involved in conceptualizing this article than all the other articles on this site combined.

This is the life skill of openly communicating, asserting, and defending personal values.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[heartandwhole]

Hi Feeling Better,

Firstly, I want to commend you for taking the leap into therapy. It can be difficult to open up to a complete stranger and talk about things we really don't want to look at, never mind, discuss with someone else. That takes courage.  

I see therapy as an act of self-love/care.

I've been to a couple of therapists in my life. One for a few months, and the other for about a year. What I found very helpful was the different and objective perspectives that the therapists offered me. Another way of looking at situations that I hadn't seen. They were also both very supportive, so that helped me feel more confident that I could change my behavior. Sometimes we are so "in" a situation, that we just can't see the forest for the trees. I found therapy was a way to help me see things more clearly and opened my mind to other possibilities than the limits I'd set for myself in each situation I was dealing with.

You mentioned going into childhood stuff. Funny, maybe I was lucky, but both therapists I saw were not into digging into past stuff. They seemed much more into "what's going on now, and how can we learn to respond in new and better ways?" Now, naturally, things from childhood did come up here and there (especially to give background), but one therapist I had said straight out that it wasn't her plan to dig around for answers in my childhood. On the other hand, that seems to be what some people want and need.

Fortunately, there are so many different kinds of therapy, and some therapists mix it up in their practice, with bit of this and a bit of that. Hopefully the type you are having now will benefit you. Even though it feels uncomfortable and maybe counterintuitive, that doesn't necessarily mean it isn't a good fit.

Keep us posted. This is a great discussion to be having.

heartandwhole

[Harley Quinn]

Hi FeelingBetter,

What a great topic!  Thanks for posting this and sharing with us.  

Something Judes said really resonated with me.  I found that during my counselling sessions so many topics would just come up, that by the end I had forgotten a lot of what we talked about.  We seemed to cover so much ground.  At the outset my counsellor and I agreed we would stop before the end of each session to do a summary of what we'd spoken about, what was established, and any action points for me to take away.  I kept a notebook with me and also would write down powerful words or revelations that stood out to me during the session.  Then at the end I'd scribble down our summary for that week.  It allowed me to look back on this later, when the emotions had cleared, and gain perspective on how things were progressing.

I agree with you that it can be hard work emotionally and leave us feeling worse initially.  It's a bit like when I was little and a family member would put antiseptic cream on a cut.  It has to hurt to get better.  The fact that these emotions are coming up is a positive thing, although it doesn't feel like it at the time.  If they are in there they need to be expressed and therapy is the best place for that.  What I found was that as the weeks went on, after each session I began to feel like a huge weight had lifted for me as I released the thoughts and emotions I had been pushing down for so long.  I hope you too can reach that place, by sticking with it and continuing through the discomfort on this journey to self love.  

Be sure to be kind to yourself by allowing yourself a little leeway after the session to rest and recover.  I found this helped a great deal.  So don't pack your schedule for the next day or two at least and perhaps let your H help in other ways, by cooking you a meal or taking on an extra chore here and there to support you.  

As Heart says, different therapists will use different practices and I'm sure that you will find that your T will establish what is most effective and suited to your individual needs.  It's early days yet.  Try to hold out any judgement and be open to what comes.  

Aside from addressing issues within my sessions and making discoveries, one of the other things that I benefited from was simply having the sessions.  Making that commitment of putting aside regular time that was just about me was a big step.  This act of putting effort into yourself is a great start to building the ability to prioritise yourself in other ways.  Good luck with having great results from the therapy, and also in expanding this self commitment into other areas of your life  

Love and light x    

  

[zachira]

I have been in therapy for several years. It has helped me to develop the self confidence to develop better boundaries with my family and friends. The downside it that there are always new painful memories and events to face. Overall, I am happier, and able to deal more effectively with whatever comes my way.

[Feeling Better]

A big thank you to everyone who has offered such valuable input here.

WD - you say that your DD spoke of the dread she felt prior to her upcoming therapy, no I don’t feel any dread, there might be a slight apprehension but on the whole I look forward to each session. It’s good to know that there is someone there who understands what I am going through and who is not judgemental.

Thank you for your words of encouragement WD, they mean so much to me, I am committed to learning as much as I can and moving forward with my life to make it a better life

Judes - thank you for sharing your experiences, there is so much truth in what you write. I love that you say you have a ‘duty’ to look after yourself, I hadn’t looked at it in that respect before, probably because I’ve always put others feelings before my own, so I will remember that, thank you.
We all want a ‘quick fix’, I know I did, you are right, it is a slow process and no doubt there will be setbacks along the way. I hope you keep posting and sharing Judes as it does help us, it’s certainly helped me.

Skip - thank you so much for validating this thread I find it most encouraging.

heartandwhole - thanks for your words of wisdom, it is so true that we get wrapped up in what’s going on that we can’t see the woods for the trees and it is good to get someone else’s perspective.
The childhood thing, my counsellor said the last time I saw her that we need to go back to see how behaviour patterns were formed in childhood and once we know that, we can then go forward and change those behaviours that are unhealthy. She said that patterns of behaviour normally get passed down. I get that so I am now feeling more comfortable talking about past issues.
As you say, there are many different types of therapy out there, we just need to find the right one for us.

Harley Quin - thank you also for sharing and your words of encouragement. Yes, I can relate to not remembering what we’ve spoken about during the session. She likes to summarise the things that we’ve covered and asks for my input but I’m just rubbish at that. I don’t know why that is. I wonder if it’s because of the feeling of relief and the fact that my brain then considers it dealt with so it gets filed into the appropriate place (somewhere in my subconscious) and it doesn’t respond quick enough to bring it back into the conscious. Do you have any ideas? It makes me feel as though I’ve not been paying attention to what I’ve been talking about. Having a notebook handy sounds like a good idea.
My H and my daughters are always keen to find out how each session has gone, I know they are willing me on, it’s good to know that they are being supportive. We all need a good support system don’t we?
Yes, the ‘me’ time, I can go with that, for that short time I am the important one, I am the one that matters and I think that alone can do wonders for self esteem.

Zachira - I am so pleased for you that you recognise that even though you still may have new and painful memories to face, you do feel happier and stronger and more able to deal with them thanks to your therapy. Also I encourage you to keep posting and sharing here, many people understand what we are going through and knowing that can help to make us feel validated, make us feel worthy individuals. Keep strong x

[wendydarling]

How's it going FB, making progress?

POLL: Have you told your therapist about bpdfamily?

WDx

[Harley Quinn]

Harley Quin - thank you also for sharing and your words of encouragement. Yes, I can relate to not remembering what we’ve spoken about during the session. She likes to summarise the things that we’ve covered and asks for my input but I’m just rubbish at that. I don’t know why that is. I wonder if it’s because of the feeling of relief and the fact that my brain then considers it dealt with so it gets filed into the appropriate place (somewhere in my subconscious) and it doesn’t respond quick enough to bring it back into the conscious. Do you have any ideas? It makes me feel as though I’ve not been paying attention to what I’ve been talking about. Having a notebook handy sounds like a good idea.
My H and my daughters are always keen to find out how each session has gone, I know they are willing me on, it’s good to know that they are being supportive. We all need a good support system don’t we?
Yes, the ‘me’ time, I can go with that, for that short time I am the important one, I am the one that matters and I think that alone can do wonders for self esteem.

Hi FB,

I've had a little think and come up with something I kinda wish I'd thought of sooner!  My counselling now is with another lady at a different venue, and I don't think to take a notebook with me, so most often I'm the same as you and everything we've spoken about retreats to the dark depths of my mind.  Just now I've realised that I could ask her if she is OK that I record the session on my phone to listen back later.  Perhaps that is something you could consider?  There are lots of recording apps out there that can be downloaded.  I'd also like to know how you're getting on since you last posted on this.

Love and light x

[Hyacinth Bucket]

This is such a great thread. Thank you FB for starting it. I am so glad that you are finding therapy helpful.

I've been in therapy off and on my entire adult life. I am also medicated for OCD. I thought I had all of my "stuff" under control when we adopted my daughter. I knew her well and all of her background and issues, but I had never experienced living with someone with BPD. It wreaked havoc on me in ways I couldn't have anticipated. Feeling constant terror that something awful would happen to her, and constant dread at whatever the next crisis would be. I'd get panic attacks every time my phone rang. That still happens sometimes.

I've been seeing my current therapist for a bit over a year. I chose her because she used to specialize in treating BPD and doing DBT (she's currently taking a break from that). But she understands it better than anyone else I've met in person. She is always encouraging and reminding me that I'm doing a good job, which is so nice to hear from a professional, it's really encouraging. She's been helping me see how my OCD and worry about my daughter feed on each other and work through that.

She's the best therapist I've had. I've had a lot. Some were bad but seeing them still helped. I think the basic value of a therapist is having someone who is dedicated to caring just for you, and doesn't know anyone else in your life and so can be objective. Someone on this thread said they think of it as an act of self love/care. I couldn't agree more!

   to everyone

[Feeling Better]

WD

Thanks for asking, yes, I do feel like I am making progress, it has been a bit of a bumpy road, there’s been times when I thought I was ok only to find that my counsellor would pick up on something I’d said and the next thing I knew she would hand me the box of tissues again. Sometimes emotions just rise up from nowhere quite unexpectedly.

Harley Quinn

What a great idea to suggest that I ask if I could record during the session on my phone, I just wish I’d remembered to ask! What I have been doing though after each session and during the days following is writing my thoughts down in the notes app on my phone. I found that helped me if I forgot what I wanted to talk about during the session, and especially as I’m not the best person in the world to open up and talk about my feelings it was and is very useful.

hyacinth bucket

Thank you for your post, I am so glad for you that you now have a therapist who you can work with, as you say, that is really important. I think I know what you mean about good and bad therapists, I stuck with one when I had relationship counselling with my son, purely because my son liked her, and even though it went against my own gut feeling about her. As it turned out I think she might have made our relationship worse because she validated him a lot but she did tell me at the end of the counselling that she suspected he might have BPD.

I’m sorry to hear of the effect that your BPD daughter has had on your health and in particular your OCD, it must have been very difficult for you, but glad to hear that therapy is helping.

I too think of therapy as self care and I always look forward to each session