Yesterday was my birthday. It didn't turn out like most of the happy birthdays in my memory.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Yesterday was my birthday. As you can imagine being with a pwBPD it didn't turn out like most of the happy birthdays in my memory. But I would like to believe that she tried.

I came across a quote and spent part of my day doing some writing.

I am trying to understand.

__________________

Monsters are real,

Ghosts are real too.

They live inside us,

and sometimes they win

- Stephen King

________________________



Him:

A sexless relationship feels like what I would imagine hell on earth would feel like.

It is a constant pain. Constant nagging aching pain that never goes away. That is never off your mind.

It is like having your head held underwater and not being able to breathe. And only having your head allowed to be extended above water for a brief second, just long enough to gasp a quick breath. But not a full and soothing breath. Nope, only a split second gasp of air. A gasp half full of water, and while still coughing your head is quickly shoved back under the water again. And not knowing when the person holding your head under will allow the next brief breath.

All you do and can think about is air. How wonderful and meaningful and life giving and freedom of beautiful relaxing air and breathing normally and frequently. And taking your next breath and the next in freedom. And hoping and praying to God that the next breath may be joyous and wonderful and full. And this torment will finally end. Yet the next breath comes only after considerable pain and struggle and thrashing against the person holding you down and, realizing that you may expire, this person relents and lets you have another gasp of half air, half water gasp. And then it is only brief and fleeting. And the cycle continues……

On and on.  Month after month.   Year after year.     

And once in a great while, when a longer breath is finally allowed,

You try your best to explain your need for air but all the person holding you down can say is;   

           "Air is over rated!

                Is that all you can think about is air!

                      You are some kind of air crazed maniac!

                           I don't think about air at all.

                       I don't desire air at all, air does nothing for me!

                  Every time I let you up all you think about is air

         Is that all you think I am good for is air?"

And then the person shoves your head back down under the the water.  No air for you!

And the person who is holding your head under that water causing this unending cycle is the very person you love the most in all the world and want to be with for the rest of your life.   

This is what a near sexless relationship feels like. And I'm terrified.



Her:

There is a dark closet where HE is hiding. Somewhere inside my head where the spiders and snakes slither, this closet looms. I try not to look at it. I do my best to avoid thinking about it. But I can't help myself. I keep looking at the door.

HIS red eyes pierce my body and sometimes cause me to shake uncontrollably. I can smell HIM. I hold my breath and try to hold the door shut. But trying to stop HIM is futile. HE has always overpowered me. HE infiltrates my dreams. Invades my waking moments. HE is everywhere in everything I see.

In my bed is horror and pain. The man I love is waiting there for me. But HE is lurking there too.

When I was a child I didn't understand what HE wanted or why HE wanted to hurt me.

I try to lie next to the man but HE wont let me. The man wants to touch me. This morning he made that clear and a creeping cloud of sickness has pervaded my thoughts ever since.

There are other doors inside my head. I don't know what is behind them or if they are safe. But when things become unbearable I have to open one and hide behind it. Sometimes I find myself in an open meadow with flowers blooming under a warm breeze. Other times I find myself in a different closet. A worse one. A scarier one.

The mans hands are on me. It's feels like burning fire and freezing ice all at the same time. I close my eyes and try to endure it for as long as I can. The man climbs on top of me and I feel panic welling. I want to give myself to him but HE is here. I run and hide behind another door.

I try to stay there but I can't. All the doors are opening and slamming in rapid succession. It hurts.  I push the man I love off of me.  He doesn't understand.

Worms are crawling under my skin, I get up to go sleep on the couch. I find comfort being alone. But I'm never alone. HE is always there waiting behind the closet door where the snakes slither.

[Seeks]

Yesterday was my birthday. As you can imagine being with a pwBPD it didn't turn out like most of the happy birthdays in my memory. But I would like to believe that she tried.

I came across a quote and spent part of my day doing some writing.

I am trying to understand.

__________________

Monsters are real,

Ghosts are real too.

They live inside us,

and sometimes they win

- Stephen King

________________________



Him:

A sexless relationship feels like what I would imagine hell on earth would feel like.

It is a constant pain. Constant nagging aching pain that never goes away. That is never off your mind.

It is like having your head held underwater and not being able to breathe. And only having your head allowed to be extended above water for a brief second, just long enough to gasp a quick breath. But not a full and soothing breath. Nope, only a split second gasp of air. A gasp half full of water, and while still coughing your head is quickly shoved back under the water again. And not knowing when the person holding your head under will allow the next brief breath.

All you do and can think about is air. How wonderful and meaningful and life giving and freedom of beautiful relaxing air and breathing normally and frequently. And taking your next breath and the next in freedom. And hoping and praying to God that the next breath may be joyous and wonderful and full. And this torment will finally end. Yet the next breath comes only after considerable pain and struggle and thrashing against the person holding you down and, realizing that you may expire, this person relents and lets you have another gasp of half air, half water gasp. And then it is only brief and fleeting. And the cycle continues……

On and on.  Month after month.   Year after year.     

And once in a great while, when a longer breath is finally allowed,

You try your best to explain your need for air but all the person holding you down can say is;   

           "Air is over rated!

                Is that all you can think about is air!

                      You are some kind of air crazed maniac!

                           I don't think about air at all.

                       I don't desire air at all, air does nothing for me!

                  Every time I let you up all you think about is air

         Is that all you think I am good for is air?"

And then the person shoves your head back down under the the water.  No air for you!

And the person who is holding your head under that water causing this unending cycle is the very person you love the most in all the world and want to be with for the rest of your life.   

This is what a near sexless relationship feels like. And I'm terrified.



Her:

There is a dark closet where HE is hiding. Somewhere inside my head where the spiders and snakes slither, this closet looms. I try not to look at it. I do my best to avoid thinking about it. But I can't help myself. I keep looking at the door.

HIS red eyes pierce my body and sometimes cause me to shake uncontrollably. I can smell HIM. I hold my breath and try to hold the door shut. But trying to stop HIM is futile. HE has always overpowered me. HE infiltrates my dreams. Invades my waking moments. HE is everywhere in everything I see.

In my bed is horror and pain. The man I love is waiting there for me. But HE is lurking there too.

When I was a child I didn't understand what HE wanted or why HE wanted to hurt me.

I try to lie next to the man but HE wont let me. The man wants to touch me. This morning he made that clear and a creeping cloud of sickness has pervaded my thoughts ever since.

There are other doors inside my head. I don't know what is behind them or if they are safe. But when things become unbearable I have to open one and hide behind it. Sometimes I find myself in an open meadow with flowers blooming under a warm breeze. Other times I find myself in a different closet. A worse one. A scarier one.

The mans hands are on me. It's feels like burning fire and freezing ice all at the same time. I close my eyes and try to endure it for as long as I can. The man climbs on top of me and I feel panic welling. I want to give myself to him but HE is here. I run and hide behind another door.

I try to stay there but I can't. All the doors are opening and slamming in rapid succession. It hurts.  I push the man I love off of me.  He doesn't understand.

Worms are crawling under my skin, I get up to go sleep on the couch. I find comfort being alone. But I'm never alone. HE is always there waiting behind the closet door where the snakes slither.

[Grey Kitty]

I think this is a very good way of describing two points of view.

Is this all your perspective and your guesses as to what your partner is feeling?

Has she told you any of "HER side"?

Have you been able to have a conversation like this with her?

[JohnLove]

Are you sure you're not Stephen King? 

I just felt like I experienced a horror movie.

My heart goes out to you.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Seeks, What is your status with your SO?  How long have you been in a r/s together?  Why do you stay in a "near sexless relationship"?  What's the point?  Fill us in a little, when you can.

LuckyJim

[SurfNTurf]

IDK but after being on this site for a while now and reading many posts, I tend to think pwBPD have primarily sexless - or reduced sex- relationships, and I think it is one of the many behaviors they exhibit. I'm not a therapist, but this is what I'm seeing on this site.

In my situation, I go months at a time without sex, primarily because my BPDhusb won't bathe. I think too highly of myself to jump in the rack with a pig. The body odor, dirty hair odor is a major turn off. His anger (because he is BPD and is angry all the time) is no aphrodisiac either. When he is dysregulating, as he is currently, he doesn't bathe 'at me', sulks, pouts, rages, rants, complains, and then blames me b/c he isn't having sex. In a calm voice, I say, "All you have to do, is take a shower." But he won't. By the time he works thru whatever his most recent - and increasingly frequent - problem is, he eventually will shower and shave and then he thinks I ought to just hoo-rah tear my clothes off oh baby baby. By then, I'm just servicing him to shut him up. Then he turns all honeymoon phase for awhile, showers daily, behaves kindly (for him) and after awhile I can actually relax a little and actually enjoy sex again. Til he throws another tantrum, blames me for everything, and the cycle starts again.

[Seeks]

Grey Kitty-  This is written from my perspective. She has talked with me about her sexual abuse from age 6-12 some but has been vague in details, most of which I think she struggles to recollect clearly. I have witnessed her fears and disassociation first hand, along with night tremors and hyper-vigilance. When we are in bed together she is not comfortable if I face her, puts a pillow in between us so I don't look at her or breath on her, and even when she is in a deep sleep she throws my hand off if I try to put my arm on her. She is most comfortable if we sleep back to back. She rarely lasts more than a few hours in bed with me before retreating to sleep on her tiny love seat. Many nights she refuses to even go to bed. She does not sleep well and has nightmares that affect her perspective on the real world when she wakes. She is 35 years old, afraid of the dark and can't sleep unless the light is on.

When we do have sex her eyes are closed and her head is turned. She does achieve release but does not actively participate. It is like she is in another place where i am nowhere near.

Lucky Jim- we have been together over 5 years and for the first couple of years our sex life was the complete opposite of what it is now. I stay because I'm codependent and even though I see the reality of the situation, something inside me believes it can get better. Other than the sex and intimacy issues our relationship is quite a bit better than a lot of what I read here.

She is currently 3 months pregnant and her ptsd is flaring. I believe she is associating me with her abusers. Instead of being with me she is secretly masturbating to beastiality and cartoon porn 1 - 2 times per week and it is bringing great shame to her. I am currently trying to decide how to talk to her about the dysfunction. She is a wonderful writer and I was considering giving her the above story to read as a way of opening a line of communication.

Bad idea?

[Lifewriter16]

A brilliant piece of writing Seeks. I've been in your pwBPD's position and I've now been in a position where that fear is no longer there and I can function normally in the sexual realm.

If it were me, I would give the writing to her. It sounds like you've nothing much left to lose. However, be prepared for a possible shock - you may look like her abuser, or smile like him or have the same build or wear the same glasses or perhaps it's simply the look of desire in your eyes that triggers her. You may be such a trigger that she can't be with you when it finally comes to it. I'm not saying that's definitely going to be the case, but I have found myself drawn to and equally repelled by men who remind me of 'HIM' and so I'm constantly in a state of low grade fear. You could be onto a non-starter with her and yet she can't walk away because you embody her need for healing.

Thank you for your perspective. I had never realised what it would be like to be in your shoes.

Love Lifewriter

[Grey Kitty]

Giving her this story would be risky; It could trigger all sorts of shame and guilt on her part. I'm not an expert, but I'd call it a bad risk.

If she doesn't deal with these issues, it is hard for me to see how this relationship can work, but that isn't my choice to make.

I think the best/safest way to deal with her childhood sexual abuse would be professional help for her, starting with individual therapy from somebody trained in recovery from childhood sexual abuse. If she is willing to do that, I would suggest that you back off and let her and her therapist drive the healing and recovery process.

I'd only consider sharing this with her if she is unwilling to get therapy. ... .and I would still consider different options, like explaining that you don't blame her for her inability to enjoy/share sex with you, you are willing to be very patient about it, and you need her to work on it for you to be able to stay with her.

[Seeks]

Lifewriter - I appreciate your response. It is hard to put yourself in another's position and view things from that perspective. Try as I might, I realize I will never fully understand. It helps to hear from someone that has been to and made it back from the other side.

Grey Kitty - Thus far I have not been successful in getting her to seek professional help, but I am not giving up on that possibility. I am to a point where I feel I must actively take a stand and do something. I am not in the ideal position to be attempting to help her with her issues without outside assistance, so I am treading lightly and with great caution.

Yesterday she had a texting meltdown. I had asked her how she was feeling today and she opened both barrels at me. (She has been suffering extreme morning sickness all day for weeks) I used SET and ended positively with that she had eaten more that morning than I had seen her do in weeks and maybe there was light at the end of the tunnel.

She twisted that last remark to me being interested in one thing and one thing only. And then went on a long tirade of how I only want her well so we can get naughty, and everything I do for her comes with that price. I make her feel obligated, and I remind her of a small dog humping on her leg.

I have not brought up or implied sex for quite some time. I had to exit the conversation until this morning.

I have implemented some changes. I have removed my focus from BPD and instead for the past several weeks have been reading up on childhood sexual abuse and more specifically PTSD. The few times in the past we have talked about BPD have gone less than well however, she has been receptive to the fact that she suffers from PTSD. With the stigma and shame surrounding BPD I can understand that. BPD is something that is wrong with you. PTSD is something that has happened to you. A minor change in labeling but it's a start.

I have been leaving my tablet open and available for her to peruse with the hope that she would investigate my internet history and see what I have been up to. And she did. I received a reply text from her this morning with a snide remark asking if I learned that on the PTSD Forum I am now on.

I have now gathered that viewing my internet history is where her anti sexual remarks towards me came from yesterday.

So the ball is in motion.

I let her know I have been learning and trying to understand things better and I'm not hiding that from her. I invited her to spend the weekend at my place (which she has not done in six months) without the expectation of sex and with no obligations. I gave her a list of fun things we could do together and told her I was writing a fictional short story that pertained to two people in a relationship struggling with PTSD. I invited her to also write a short story on the same matter that we could exchange and talk about. In the past we occasionally have had short story write offs. Invariably she wins. She loves writing and is very good at it.

I am cautiously hopeful and waiting for a response.

[lbjnltx]

I have to say that I am glad your gfriend has someone so patient and kind to look after her in this world.

She has experienced trauma.  Trauma has far reaching affects on a person's psyche as you have experienced.

It can be a dangerous thing to unlock that closed door without knowing how to handle what walks through it.

I can see that you only want what is best for your girl.  Please do continue to do what you can to get her in to work with a professional and also look after your own needs.

lbj

[HurtinNW]

I'm someone who experienced sexual abuse starting at age four until I was twelve. I'm going to wager a guess that when your wife appears tuned out during sex she is engaging in fantasies that both shame and arouse her. Probably her way of achieving orgasm is linked to the fantasies/thoughts she was conditioned to have. This can be tremendously shaming.

The hard part of recovering from sexual abuse, in my opinion, is not realizing it was wrong. It is coming to terms with how it shaped and impacted our sexuality. It is getting past shame into a place of acceptance. In my case it took years of therapy and my own hard work. I finally got to a place where I didn't feel ashamed of how my sexuality had developed. In fact I came to see that the fantasies were my way of taking control of what had happened to me. Over time I saw that there is nothing wrong with my sexuality. I now fully enjoy sex and think it is fantastic. I don't shame myself for feeling pleasure or engaging in fantasy when it happens. I don't shame myself for past behaviors. I do keep a mindful eye on my sexuality and support myself. For instance, monogamy is critical to me. I do not sleep around. I do not have sex with someone unless I can be present, with my entire heart and mind and being.

I have come to see the silver lining in my abuse. I have tremendous insights into sexual abuse and in fact have a day job that works with both victims and offenders.

My two cents is sharing this might be shaming to your wife given where she is. Her looking at porn, the secrecy and dissociation she is engaging in... .those are behaviors of someone mired in shame. Your best bet is to be empathetic and supportive but I want to underline this: do not treat her like a helpless victim. Don't focus on the sex piece so much you aren't validating all the other fantastic parts of who she is. Spend time doing lots of fun non-sexual things. If she isn't open to therapy would she consider going to a group? Or online help? Don't make this such an issue that she gets negative attention for it. That will just reinforce her view she is dirty, worthless and shamed.

The bottom line is she is going to have to decide for herself to get better. I don't know if she has a BPD diagnosis but you looking at PTSD is a good idea. I have PTSD and while I have some challenges that might look like BPD it is a completely different thing. I am capable of great empathy, caring, and have maturity and kindness. I think of others and don't engage in black and white thinking, or triangulating. If your wife was sexually abused over a long time she probably does have PTSD. If you can encourage her to get help for the PTSD it will work its way to the sexual abuse.

I do think it would be appropriate for you to decide what sort of timeline you are willing to accept in terms of her dealing with this. As they say in DBT, what happened to her was not her fault. But it is her job to fix it.

Hugs to you for being such a caring partner! 

[Grey Kitty]

I'm concerned about a writing exchange with her about a relationship with PTSD. Especially if you write about a relationship with PTSD from sexual abuse as is in your relationship with her.

If she's not comfortable talking with you very much about it... .trying to do an end-around doesn't seem like a good idea... .and if she wants to talk with you about it, you don't need something like this to bring it up.

I'd also suggest that between her PTSD issues, and what can happen to sexual desire during pregnancy and post-childbirth / nursing a baby (Pregnancy changes desire, can go in either direction. Most often I believe a new baby kinda shuts it down or distracts from it), you should think about how long you can go with very limited or non-existant sex with her, as it seems likely for another year, or several years.

[Turkish]

If it's where you are, the YWCA may be able to help. My impression given my brief contact with them last year was that they deal with recent abuse, but they might also have support groups, or know of some.

The hardest thing, of course, is supporting without triggering her shame. Though there is not one thing wrong that justifies the shame, this is a common feeling with victims. My BPD mother has struggled with it life long. It finally came out that something was done to my ex by a relative when she was a child (I always suspected it, but she denied it the one time I asked previously).

[patientandclear]

I'm not coming from the point of view that there is no point in a sexless marriage. I love sex, but would have stayed with my BPDex, a sexual abuse survivor, despite his deep shame and fear about sex (I think he felt that someone (me) would only want to get close to him to get sex, and that fear made him very suspicious of acts and professions of love and caring).

Obviously it would be great if you see some change on this, but my guess is it may involve her gaining some trust that you will stay and love her even if there is no sex. That is a tough road for many. And--I think Hurt is right to remind that while it was not her fault she was abused, it is her job to attempt healing. She will be a better partner to you if she takes that on. But pushing her seems likely to backfire. Maybe a simple statement one time of what you want and that it matters to you, and why (trying not to be dramatic and equating sex with air). Then leave it. She heard it. Let her make the attempt on her own, when she can.

That said ... .I would NOT give her the beautifully written story you composed, for a different reason than those listed above. My guess is that if you have not landed EXACTLY on what she is feeling, it may feel yucky to her that you are assuming what she feels. And yucky that you got it wrong.

[ArleighBurke]

My BPDw sounds the same - childhood abuse, PTSD and BPD. She has a very strange relationship with sex. Mostly she avoids sex. But she "knows" we have to have sex for the relationship.

It's the strangest prediciment I am in - I want sex, and need it to feel close to her, but I can't push her for it, can't talk about, can't create ANY "pressure" (and she feels pressure if I suggest it, or mention it, or even plan a nice romantic evening and she *thinks* I want sex) - yet for her to be in the mood I must show her that I don't need sex - that I would be prepared to have a lifelong marriage without sex. So the only way she can be comfortable with having sex is if I can convince her that I don't want it! (But of course if I've convinced her I don't want it then where is her motivation... .?)

I don''t know what the answer is... .

[livednlearned]

Hi Seeks,

lbj wrote something very powerful:

It can be a dangerous thing to unlock that closed door without knowing how to handle what walks through it.

This is an insight that can zing by so I wanted to flag it and link it to your comment about being codependent:

I stay because I'm codependent and even though I see the reality of the situation, something inside me believes it can get better.

Do you mean that she can get better (on her own), or that you can make her better? People often mean different things when it comes to codependence. Can you share a little about what it means for you?

Are there codependent behaviors here? :

I have been leaving my tablet open and available for her to peruse with the hope that she would investigate my internet history and see what I have been up to. And she did. I received a reply text from her this morning with a snide remark asking if I learned that on the PTSD Forum I am now on.

I have now gathered that viewing my internet history is where her anti sexual remarks towards me came from yesterday.

So the ball is in motion.

If you let her know you have been learning and trying to understand things better and are not hiding that from her, why leave your tablet open so she will see your Internet history? (any chance she will discover you are here posting on bpdfamily, and if so, what will happen if she sees that you have a master plan?)

[Seeks]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful and insightful replies. I wish I had more time to write this morning but I am on a tight timeframe.

I decided to put on hold any writing exchange or letting her read what I wrote.

After reading what everyone wrote I started to wonder if what I was doing was a form of manipulation.  And if I did open that door would I even be equipped to handle what came through it. I came to the conclusion that her reading my views of what trauma feels like would do more harm than anything else.

I realize I can't make her better, it is a road that she is going to have to want to travel herself. But I can encourage her, and I will continue to look at different ways in which I can do that.

She declined my offer to come to my house for the weekend, stating she was not feeling well. I instead went to her place on Thursday evening helped her with some things she needed and spent the night there. She stayed in the same bed with me the whole night.

Friday evening I received another angry text barrage of blame over some some game disks her son had misplaced. I pretty much gave up on having a nice weekend with her.

Saturday morning she sent me a nice text out of the blue asking if she could come over.

She spent the whole weekend at my place, a huge milestone in my eyes.

This post originated about the lack of sexual intimacy within our relationship. The reality of the situation, there is a definite void in intimacy in general. 

This weekend there was a marked improvement in intimacy as a whole. It felt good to be close, to sit together and watch a movie and have her hand not retreat when I reached out to hold it.

It went so well I invited her to come back next weekend. I would like her to feel like she is safe when she comes here. Again I won't pressure her to come, but I am hopeful.

[Sunfl0wer]

You sound so insightful, it is hard to know what to add... .

So fwiw... .

Having triggered sex, is triggering and exacerbates the original trauma feeling like a whole new trauma to deal with on top of original trauma.

The good news is... .

Having sex untriggered, can be extremely healing and liberating.

It sounds like if your wife has a chance at working through this, if she is willing, that you would make an excellent partner for her to do this type of healing work with.

If she does decide to work on it... .

Or even in the meantime as you may try approaching her... .

Expect that her anxiety is related to control. 

She may need to find ways at first to be in control, before she can be more mutually engaged.

Approaching her in a way that gives her more control in some way may get more receptiveness.

However, atm, she sounds terribly traumatized and likely needs just relief of any pressure, any expectation or such. 

Motivation for this type of healing work somehow has to come from her.

[Sunfl0wer]

It went so well I invited her to come back next weekend. I would like her to feel like she is safe when she comes here. Again I won't pressure her to come, but I am hopeful.

This sounds nice.

[Grey Kitty]

Her PTSD really cuts into her ability to feel safe. As you said, you cannot do anything about this.

What you can do is choose to be safe around her, not to be reactive when she has difficult emotions. It isn't easy... .but it will help a lot in the long run.

This post originated about the lack of sexual intimacy within our relationship. The reality of the situation, there is a definite void in intimacy in general. 

This weekend there was a marked improvement in intimacy as a whole. It felt good to be close, to sit together and watch a movie and have her hand not retreat when I reached out to hold it.

I believe that these two issues do go hand in hand.

Women, more often than men find sexual intimacy without emotional intimacy unsatisfying or unpleasant, and I suspect she has a bit of that in her.

Again, being a safe person for her (and accepting her even when she isn't being easy or safe herself) will help. A lot. [Note: I don't mean you should accept abusive behavior aimed at you. There is a fine line there]

[Seeks]

First off, apparently I have violated a terms of service here or something?.This post was originally titled; "Sex and the monster in the closet" and has been changed.

I'm not sure if that was considered too graphic or maybe sensationalism? I received no notice from moderators to the change or why but I felt that title accurately depicted what the content of this post is about. Took me a bit to find my way back as I thought the post had been deleted.

Apologies if that was considered offensive.

Last week I inadvertently triggered her. I had to take a last minute unplanned 16 hour trip out of town and back for business. She had been texting me very negative things so I had stopped responding to her earlier that day (my boundary) and did not tell her I was leaving. On my way back I stopped at her place, delivered some needed items and told her about the trip. She was annoyed but things didn't get too out of hand.

Then she came back for a second weekend at my place.  This time however she slept on the couch both nights. She seemed distant and preoccupied. I didn't push her.

A couple of days later she progressively went downhill. She is convinced that I cheated on her with a casual female friend of mine. She has several guy friends that she talks to periodically and I don't balk at that. But the shoe does not fit well on the other foot.

I went alone on my trip and can produce records confirming my whereabouts. But feelings are facts and any sort of physical proof means nothing.

It has deteriorated to the point now where she has broken up with me and is confessing all the many times she has cheated on the other men she dated (dirtbags that deserved it) and details of the many times that she cheated on me (a dirtbag and playboy that deserves it also) throughout our 5 year relationship.

I stopped responding yesterday but the texts keep rolling in. She is on a mission to hurt me and though I believe a lot of what she is saying is not truth, I can't help but wonder how much of it is.

I almost feel like she is torpedoing this relationship so she can feel justified in getting an abortion. She has pulled all the stops on things a person can say to make the other person not love you anymore.

My current plan of action is to just lay low and let the dust settle. See what happens when she calms down.  

[Grey Kitty]

First off, if she's painted you black (sure looks like it!) she probably is doing everything she can to sabotage your relationship with her.

I'm not sure how self-aware she is, but the actions speak for themselves.

Are you willing to put up with this too, along with all the other things she's doing?

Is the confession of cheating on you anything new?

[Seeks]

Yes I am blacker than black right now and most any man would have abandoned ship with everything she called me and told me in the past 12 hours.

Once a couple of years ago she said she always sabotages her relationships and she doesn't know why. It may have just been a lucid moment but I tend to think she is aware when she is calm but chooses not to face it.

I have expressed to her many times the importance of monogamy in our relationship. Both to reassure her of my commitment and to set a ground rule fore the relationship.

I am not willing to be with someone that continually cheats. A transgression or two I could forgive, but not something that was ongoing.

She has never confessed to cheating before. I have suspected a few times but no proof has ever presented itself. Her admittance to cheating was not presented in a heartfelt I'm sorry I did that manner. It was more of a vindictive slash of venom thrown my way for the explicit reason of hurting me because she felt hurt and jealous. I do know that a couple of the guys she talked about cheating on me with was a lie. I'm hoping most if not all was, but I'm struggling with my optimistim.

I do not cheat. I won't even consider it. Getting her to trust and believe in that may be an impossible endeavor.

When she returns to baseline I am not sure how she will reproach this.

[Grey Kitty]

I have expressed to her many times the importance of monogamy in our relationship. Both to reassure her of my commitment and to set a ground rule fore the relationship.

I am not willing to be with someone that continually cheats. A transgression or two I could forgive, but not something that was ongoing.

First, it probably isn't very reassuring to her, especially since she has cheated a lot, at least with others, if not with you, and feels ashamed of it, and this is what that would bring up rather than reassurance. (And since she's ashamed of cheating / wanting to cheat, she can't deal with that in herself, so she projects that onto you and accuses you of cheating!)

Second, spend some more time thinking about this for yourself and your values--If monogamy really is that important to you, she's probably not a good match for you, as she will (at best) struggle with it for a long time. At worst she will go and cheat every time she paints you black, or paint you black every time she cheats. ... .or possibly do what you said you couldn't handle, have an ongoing relationship or series of relationships with somebody else.

[Seeks]

It has been a month since I last posted and things have taken a full 180 and I am very white again. Our lines of communication are open more now than they have been in a very long time.

Last month she had a melt down imagining that I had cheated on her with a casual female friend of mine when I had left town. My fiancé has several guy friends that she talks to but it was a hard pill for her to swallow when the role was reversed and I was texting another woman. Nothing inappropriate of course, but to my fiancé it was.

I later let her use my phone one evening and she sent some angry and vindictive texts to my friend. She then told me how inappropriate I was being for talking to another woman and that she had taken care of the problem. Instead of getting defensive or angry I validated her feelings and laughed and made light of what she had done. She has joined in with that and ribs me with a song she now sings about my long lost friend.

I did remind her that she does have guy friends. And shockingly she opened her Facebook and went through each guy that was on there and talked about who they were. In the process she deleted a few guys she felt shouldn't be there. She even apologized for sending angry texts to me :-o and for trying to hurt me by saying she had cheated.

This seems like it was a wake up call for her. The realization that I might talk to female friends seems to have created a turning point in our relationship. Both physical and emotional intimacy have been at a consistent high for nearly a month. She has been regularly tagging me on her Facebook (big deal for her) along with pictures of the two of us which has been nearly unheard of in the entirety of our relationship.

Right now we are a normal couple making plans for the future and enjoying each other's company. It's times like this that it is so easy to forget about BPD. I just wish it would stay away and never come back.

[Grey Kitty]

I later let her use my phone one evening and she sent some angry and vindictive texts to my friend. She then told me how inappropriate I was being for talking to another woman and that she had taken care of the problem. Instead of getting defensive or angry I validated her feelings and laughed and made light of what she had done. She has joined in with that and ribs me with a song she now sings about my long lost friend.

Did you really let her blow up/end your friendship with somebody else by sending nasty texts from your phone?

If you let her do that kind of thing, you won't have any friends at all when she paints you black next time, and disappears from you.

It is completely reasonable to validate her feelings of fear, anger, jealousy, etc. That was great work on your part. Agreeing that her reason to have those feelings (that you are doing something inappropriate with your friend, and need to stop) isn't validating. That's capitulating.

[Seeks]

No it was not a matter of me letting her send texts from my phone, it was something she just did without saying, and then deleted them when she was done. I had given her my phone and went to take a shower. She confessed to it later.

This is a first time occurance in our relationship. She has actually encouraged outside friendships and has not had a problem. Though my friends are all male. This female friend was long distance and very sporadic. I would classify her more of a pen pal than a actual friend. For me the trade off was worth it. I could have jaded and created a big blowup, but I chose to shuff it off and that resulted in a nice outcome. 

It has been a stellar month and a half. Intimacy on all levels had stayed fairly steady. That is until BPD reared its ugly head again a few days ago.

I had been helping her mother off and on this past year to fix up and sell her house after her divorce. Her mom called me last week to inspect a fixer upper house she was considering buying and recruited me to do the remodel. After working on plans she was ready to submit her offer. But upon hearing about it my fiancé blew a gasket.

My fiancé is very protective of her mother. But they have a typical BPD love/hate relationship. And she likes to believe she knows what is best for her mom. The past few house choices my fiancé has shot down, and her mom has consented.  This one however her mom did not want to tell her about until she was ready to place her offer.

So I am back in the dog house for a bit it seems.