Accused of being selfish... advice needed.

[Zoaron]

Meh.  I'm ok.  I more feel bad cause yesterday was her birthday and when she continued her rage the day before, I told her I wouldn't be talking to her on her birthday and I hoped she'd have a happy birthday.  I am a little glad that I at least wished it, even if it was the day before. 

When I go to block her, I have to block her in several places, not just on the phone.  I have to on Facebook, skype, etc... .and I can't put my phone on airplane mode because its both my work and home phone in one.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gumiho]

Glad you're fine ^^ keep going

When I go to block her, I have to block her in several places, not just on the phone.  I have to on Facebook, skype, etc... .and I can't put my phone on airplane mode because its both my work and home phone in one.

She's that persistent? Ouch. Well I was referring to -reading messages to make it appear as if blocking-, like activate ap mode to quickly read, then turn it off again. Of course you don't want to leave that on  ... that mode cuts all connections to prevent signal jamming at take-off/inflight/landing.

[Zoaron]

So it's the third day since I've last talked to her. I want to touch base with her so bad, yet if I do, it would be going against the last thing I said to her cause I told her to message me when she's calm. But I don't want to message too soon and setting her off again.  I wish I knew what to do. 

[Gumiho]

... .I want to touch base with her so bad ... .

Me too. me too... what are you waiting for?

But I don't want to message too soon and setting her off again.

I've seen you writing aboout that in another post. What did you mean by "too soon and it didn't go well".?
I mean, what is too soon to you and what happened?

[lostandconfused6]

So it's the third day since I've last talked to her. I want to touch base with her so bad, yet if I do, it would be going against the last thing I said to her cause I told her to message me when she's calm. But I don't want to message too soon and setting her off again.  I wish I knew what to do. 

That's the toughest part me and my BPDbf used to get into it and a few hours later it would be fine then recently the last 3 months it would be a week or a little longer without speaking i wouldn't give in and talk to him and like clock work he would text and say i dont even want to talk about what happened, and it would go back to how it was. Not sure if this was good or not.

Now that he is actually considering help and accepting that he is BPD things seem to go back quicker i think that's partly due to how i've changed when it comes to handling him.

Not sure how yours is when it comes to this but i would give it a week (i know it's hard) and see how it plays out if nothing i would send her a text or and email letting her know youre thinking of her

[Zoaron]

Me too. me too... what are you waiting for?

I've seen you writing aboout that in another post. What did you mean by "too soon and it didn't go well".?
I mean, what is too soon to you and what happened?

It's not what I'm waiting for, it's more that I don't want to message her and have her immediately twist my words again. There was two times that was too soon cause I sent her a message a couple days after a rage and her first words were 'What do you want?' And it went downhill from there.   And then the second time was the most recent when I got a call from her home phone the day after a rage and I wasn't able to answer it, so I sent her a message saying I wasnt able to get the call but then she went off saying she never called. And started saying that I was calling her a liar and laughed at how I was trying to wiggle back into her life.

Strangely enough the only thing that has ever brought her out of her rage was when I thanked her for showing me how my ex-wife was better than the way she was treating me. 

[Zoaron]

So an update.  We are talking.  More than that, we are joking and laughing.  AND she's learning about BPD now.  We're kind of starting over again as friends, but I'm ok with that cause our original intention when we first met was to be best friends and things just kind of happened.  And we always swore that no matter what happens, we will be best friends.  I'm just proud of her for learning about herself.  We each sent a long message to each other, she was first because she called my phone right when I wasn't beside it to answer.  So I got a big message from her, which got me all teary halfway through cause she thought I hated her and didn't think I'd read all her message.  But, of course, I would read it.  Then I sent her my message with my feelings on everything that's happened.  We decided we both need to talk about somethings that we said to each other in our long messages.  Unfortunately, it will have to wait now till after the weekend cause she's off camping where she has no service.

This feels different from every other pull that's happened.  This one has hope attached to it.

[Gumiho]

Glad to hear things are getting better between yous~!
Wish I could say the same ^^

[Zoaron]

Glad to hear things are getting better between yous~!
Wish I could say the same ^^

I wish things were better. Today it just hit me that I can't pretend to be just friends. I'm an emotional person in general, and I fell hard for her.  Through all the ups and downs, I still love her with everything I am.  I can't go through a moment without thinking of her. And it's driving me crazy that I can't express my feelings to her.  I'm getting torn apart from the inside out and there's nothing I can do about it.  But I know if I push the envelope about it, it'll set her off again and/or push her away.  I know some people will just say tell her, but there are other complications that I can't say within a public forum.  

I just feel that I can't pretend anymore. 

[Zoaron]

Major update.  We're back.   We had a big conversation, I've had some big revelations during some strong emotional struggles which her and I have actually talked about and we've come to an understanding.  I'm so very proud of her.  She's doing everything in her power now to learn about her BPD and she wants to help others who struggle at the same time.  We've decided that we're going to go through this together, and we agreed that she may get triggered once and a while, but after the trigger, we still love each other.  She also wants me to message her every day, even when she's in her rage state cause she knows eventually it will pass.  She truly is an amazing woman and I'm lucky to even know her.

[Gumiho]

So glad to read that.   

Hope I can write something similar soon~

[lostandconfused6]

Major update.  We're back.   We had a big conversation, I've had some big revelations during some strong emotional struggles which her and I have actually talked about and we've come to an understanding.  I'm so very proud of her.  She's doing everything in her power now to learn about her BPD and she wants to help others who struggle at the same time.  We've decided that we're going to go through this together, and we agreed that she may get triggered once and a while, but after the trigger, we still love each other.  She also wants me to message her every day, even when she's in her rage state cause she knows eventually it will pass.  She truly is an amazing woman and I'm lucky to even know her.

I am so happy to hear that! Best of luck to ya'll! My BF and I are doing a very similar thing right now 2 weeks strong a minior rage here and there but has very quckly snapped out of it and no threats of leaving me which was my biggest thing!

[Zoaron]

I am so happy to hear that! Best of luck to ya'll! My BF and I are doing a very similar thing right now 2 weeks strong a minior rage here and there but has very quckly snapped out of it and no threats of leaving me which was my biggest thing!

Congratulations yourself.  I love hearing stories like this.

[Pedro]

So, she messages me today.   I lost her.  She doesn't want me anymore, though she says she loves me.

I'm so lost... .

Sorry to hear that Zoaron. My ex gf BPD has said exactly the same. Keep positive. Focus on yourself. It is so frustrating, I truly understand where you are coming from and feeling.

[Zoaron]

Sorry to hear that Zoaron. My ex gf BPD has said exactly the same. Keep positive. Focus on yourself. It is so frustrating, I truly understand where you are coming from and feeling.

Thanks.  However, if you see the progress of everything through my thread, my GF and I are back on track.  We've had a long talk about her BPD and have an understanding.  And she's doing some amazing things right now to manage her BPD that makes me so proud of her.

[Pedro]

Well done her and YOU.
Keep up the great work.

Pedro

[Zoaron]

And here we go.  She's started painting me black again I think.  She was playing a game so I said she can message me afterward.  When she did, I asked how the game was, she said "Fine" (which is my first indication that she's starting to go there), and then I asked if she won, and she said it's not about winning.  I said, I know, as long as you have fun and she said, "Could've fooled me."  She then started watching a movie and said talk later. So, I told her to enjoy her movie and haven't heard from her since.

Not looking forward to the next 12 hours.  I can hope for the best, but I'm going to emotionally prepare myself for the worst, just in case.  I am going to say though, that this has been the longest we've gone in a couple months without going down that road.  Maybe they'll get farther and farther apart?  I can hope for that too.

[Gumiho]

She didn't rage though, did she?

Sounds more like she was annoyed.
I remember well my gf twice snapped before, when I said things like "have fun" or "have a nice evening" ... she told me she understood "have-fun-I-don't-want-to-talk-to-you" (maybe it was the tone I said it in, or w/e, idk)

Also what happened to the long convo you guys had a few days ago?

[Zoaron]

She didn't rage though, did she?

Sounds more like she was annoyed.
I remember well my gf twice snapped before, when I said things like "have fun" or "have a nice evening" ... she told me she understood "have-fun-I-don't-want-to-talk-to-you" (maybe it was the tone I said it in, or w/e, idk)

Also what happened to the long convo you guys had a few days ago?

No she didn't, but this is usually how it starts.   And our long conversation included the times when she does start to tip. We've both decided to not let go and to hold on. Even when she's in her crisis.

[Gumiho]

We've both decided to not let go and to hold on.

So you better not worry.
And don't block her anymore ^^
Be strong 

[Zoaron]

So you better not worry.
And don't block her anymore ^^
Be strong 

Thanks.  We do already have an understanding about the blocking as well. We both admitted that when we block, it's only for a couple hours.  And then the block is taken down. We use it as a tool to stop the arguing so we can both cool down. Her because of her BPD, and me because my heart is always on my sleeve.  And when the silent treatment is happening, she still wants me to message her once a day to show her that I'm still here for her. Which I will do.