where to begin...

[UpwardAndOnward]

I grew up with a mother with BPD. My whole life I knew something was off about her and had just deemed her "crazy" in my mind. She had battled substance abuse, so I just chalked it up to her being an addict. However, as I got older I realized that there was much more to it than being a active and/or recovering addict. I saw therapists throughout my childhood, mainly sent because of my mom's addiction or because of one of my three brothers who battled addiction. Yet whatever chaos was going on in my house, inevitably every therapy session would evolve into a vent session about my mom.

When I left for college, I started to see a therapist on my own. Someone who had never met or seen my mother. She is the first one who mentioned it sounded like my mom was a BPD. I looked up the disorder online and felt as though a huge weight was lifted from me. I FINALLY understood her craziness. It was as if I had a check mark next to each symptom associated to BPD's. I called my father, who is an extreme co-dependent/enabler of my mother. I mentioned this breakthrough I had uncovered... .  he of course, didnt want to discuss it much, and actually mentioned that one time a therapist had diagnosed my mom with this and my mother became angry and refused to return to the therapist. Consistent with the BPD, my mother changes therapists, doctors and friends on a monthly basis.

Five years ago, my brother died at age 24. Since then my moms craziness has had an exscuse. My dad has jumped further into Denial with her behavior. Those around me will tolerate her inappropriateness, and credit her with the excuse of losing a child. I am not undermining her pain, but I remember how she was before my brother died, and it wasn’t much different. Now five years later, we are still processing our grief and moving forward, but my mother still remains with her BPD and will credit her craziness to his death often, this has been one of the most frustrating aspects of it all.

Finally- my other brother married a woman who also is a BPD. Her any my mother go between being best friends, or sworn enemies. I feel sad for him and his three kids.

Hoping there is some people out there who can lend some support. My brothers get sick of my venting and my friends don’t get it….

[Surnia]

 

UpwardAndOnward

I feel with you, about the loss of your brother, about the very difficult relationship with your mother and also about the relief, when you have suddenly a name for all the craziness you had lived with! 

Great you reached out for support. Sharing, being supported is so important. And here are many members, the family is huge. 

Are you living in the same household with your parents?

I am looking forward to hear more from you!

Surnia

[UpwardAndOnward]

Hi Surnia,

Thanks for replying! Ive been involved with therapy my whole life but this online support is a first for me. As is directly reaching out about my mom.

Its amazing how many people are on here. I have already read experiences that I can relate to, when I read them I get feel in a way hard to describe…but its good! 

I no longer live at home (thankfully.) I ended up moving out after my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. His health took a plunge after we lost my brother. He had to have his prostate removed, and combined with rheumatoid arthritis he was very sick for a few months. I ended up having to run the house and “fill in” for him. Working full time and running a household at 23 was a stressful time. My mother couldn’t stand the attention being off of her while my dad was ill, and also was abusing pills at the time. After a near melt down I had to move out and find my own place. A blessing in disguise but difficult at the time.

Right now I am on the brink of getting engaged. My mom caught wind of it because my boyfriend asked my father for his blessing. Already ruining the surprise for me, she is trying to take my hypothetical wedding on as her ‘new project.’ Obsessively sending me stuff, and also being combative if I don’t agree with her. She is giving my boyfriend a hard time with ring plans,etc. Im stressed about getting engaged because of my MOM! Consistent with my life… anyway my boyfriend gets protective and upset. He wants me to “stand up for myself.” But he doesn’t understand that Im dealing with a sick person, I cant speak to her rationally, so as Ive done my whole life I just try to deal with it and tap dance around her. Im upset and feel like shes already on her way to ruining something that should be so exciting for me….

Who in your family has BPD?

[mlle24]

Right now I am on the brink of getting engaged. My mom caught wind of it because my boyfriend asked my father for his blessing. Already ruining the surprise for me, she is trying to take my hypothetical wedding on as her ‘new project.’ Obsessively sending me stuff, and also being combative if I don’t agree with her. She is giving my boyfriend a hard time with ring plans,etc. Im stressed about getting engaged because of my MOM! Consistent with my life… anyway my boyfriend gets protective and upset. He wants me to “stand up for myself.” But he doesn’t understand that Im dealing with a sick person, I cant speak to her rationally, so as Ive done my whole life I just try to deal with it and tap dance around her. Im upset and feel like shes already on her way to ruining something that should be so exciting for me….

Who in your family has BPD?

I cannot tell you how closely I relate to everything you've posted. Wow.  My mom's BPD has only gotten a "get out of jail free" card since my grandma died. People tell me that she's lost her mother and I can't begin to imagine how it feels... .  yadda yadda yadda. She's been like this since I can remember, it's not a new set of behaviors because her mother died.

My mother was a single parent, and I do not know my father; nor has she remarried.  I told my boyfriend once things got serious that under no circumstances should he plan on asking for permission to marry me from my mother.  Admittedly I'm slightly sentimental and would love the idea of him being close enough to her to do so; however my mom's BPD prevents this from being at all possible.  She would ruin the surprise, she cannot keep her mouth shut.  Plus, she's already tried in so many different ways to sabotage my relationship with him.  Some days telling me how wonderful he is and how happy she is I found someone; the next day telling me she doesn't trust him and thinks he's behind our "failing relationship" because she believes he "won't allow me to see her". ((RIDICULOUS accusations btw, not seeing her and limiting contact has been entirely my choice and I've been very clear to her that it has always been my choice))

I'm sorry she ruined the surprise for you.  I wrote a post about my fear on this subject not to long ago actually... .    I would tell her straightforwardly that with or without a ring on your finger you will be planning the wedding with (insert boyfriend/fiance's name here) and if you would like help you will specifically request it.  Until that time, you will not be reading emails/responding to calls/texts/conversations/facebook posts/etc about engagement/weddings/etc.

Your boyfriend is trying to look out for your well-being by telling you to "stand up for yourself". Sometimes people outside the situation just don't understand how to handle things and what's a likely method of action.  Sometimes "standing up for yourself" is done for us-- as children of parents with BPD-- by setting boundaries and sticking to the consequences we lay out if those boundaries are ignored.

I'm extremely sorry to hear that your brother passed away at such a young age. That's got to be so hard to handle.  I would tell you that this forum is a great place to look for advice, to vent, and to get the much needed support that often friends can't give you.  I have a few good friends who are capable now of seeing through her BPD bs and can get through to me that it's craziness, and I haven't done anything wrong.  If you don't have a good, straight-shooting friend who will listen without judgement... .  start here. I haven't been on this site lately but definitely intend on being around more. I am happy to listen and empathize. I unfortunately know what it's like.

I'm pretty sure the therapist i saw in high school told her she had BPD. (my mom and I went as though it were couple's therapy. One week I would go alone, the next week she'd go alone, and then the 3rd week we'd go together. Lather, rinse, repeat   .)  Until something happened--my mom wouldn't say what, but she stopped going to therapy. Told everyone we knew that "she wasn't the one who needed therapy".

I hope for your sake that your engagement is everything you hope it to be. I would recommend trying to use this site to its fullest potential. Check out the articles and read other people's posts. It'll make you realize that we're not alone. That the behaviors are oddly similar from BPD parent to BPD parent.

[UpwardAndOnward]

thanks so much for your reply. im still trying to figure this site out so I was unable to find old posts from you-- when I click on you it says "i cant search just anyones profile?" if you have help on that, do share!

your talk of how your mom is with your boyfriend is eerily similar. right now she is actually on an unusually long stretch of hating him. my brothers and I joke that this is his 'initiation' into my family. im the youngest of three boys in my family and my mom has ALWAYS had a severe overstepping of boundaries with me in particular. I think its because Im a girl, but she always would get this strange jealousy of any friends I brought around, and obviously my boyfriend has gotten it bad. From reading I have done, this behavior is more symptamtic of Narsiccistic PD... .  but from reading on here it seems that the two can actually be hand in hand with some people, and I think I just may be the lucky one to have a mom with that combo! 

I struggle with how to approach the wedding plans. she has a way of always throwing things in my face or 'dangling' it above my head... .  in this case it would be the financial aspect. my sister in law and best friend have even strongly suggested an island get away wedding for the sole reason of my mom. that makes me sad because should i really put my dream wedding aside to avoid the stress she will cause... .  or do i put up with her to have the wedding i always wanted? i cant imagine any wedding in the world would be worth the stress she will cause me. my father unfortunately lives in deep denial with this false illusion of the mom i dont have. he also has an illusion that we have this "mother-daughter relationship"... .  however sometimes (altho rare since my brother passed) i get a glimpse of reality from him. I may need to softly approach him with the dilemna because ultimately the finances will be from him. like you, I am sentimental- and now i wish that i had given a better warning and thought this through for my boyfriend ahead of time.

it drives me crazy that im this stressed and upset about my non engagement and hypothetical wedding

i already feel better on this site. my brother had gotten to the point that he said i was obsessive about my mom. every time i called him i had some outlandish mom story for him... .  i only would call him because i knew he was someone who actually understood, unbeknownst to me there is thousands that I can talk to now! sometimes my friends or people will ask me "why she does the things she does?" and my response is bc 'shes crazy!' at least on here i can use the actual term, and i likely wont have people asking me why... .  

im sorry to hear about your grandma passing too. my grandma died two years ago and my mom was estranged from her but took this as an opportunity to start drinking after she hadnt for 17 years. she would get disgustingly drunk for about a year and a half... .  now shes back to not drinking again-- and has already insisted as one of my wedding plans that i can only serve beer and wine. sigh... .  i will stop because I could probably go on forever! thats again for your response.

[GeekyGirl]

thanks so much for your reply. im still trying to figure this site out so I was unable to find old posts from you-- when I click on you it says "i cant search just anyones profile?" if you have help on that, do share!

Hi Upward,

There's a minimum post count to see other members' profiles. You should be there pretty soon.

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you. You'll see that you're not alone here--many of us have mothers with BPD and understand the stress that comes along with the territory.

As far as how to handle the wedding plans, that's a tough question for sure. If your parents are paying for the wedding, that does give them some power over you and your soon-to-be-fiance. Are you worried about having to compromise what you want wedding-wise, or are you worried about the possibility of your mother rescinding the offer to pay for the wedding if you do something she doesn't approve of? What does your gut instinct tell you to do?

[UpwardAndOnward]

hi geekygirl! another technical question, how do you c&p the blocks from the posts your replying to? ive looked on the help feature and q&a board but didnt see that one... .  

as for my mom and the wedding, she is just so overbearing. inserting herself and her wants into everything. she is also extremely combative and will fight with photographers, florists, venue owners... you name it. not right off the bat, but if they dont 'respond to her' or answer her call quick enough, they are done.

i held a fundraiser this past summer in honor of my late brother.(which she had nothing to do with me planning and was against it until i just went ahead and booked it) my mom over involved herself so much she ended up causing all sorts of issues. questioning everything I did, getting mad if i wasnt following her suggestions with it, causing an issue with one of the salons who donated for my raffle-- stirring up problems with friends of mine that worked there, saying that werent 'donating enough.' can you imagine how that sounds to non BPD people, or people not educated about it? she has an overwhelming sense of entitlement,  this will cause problems with the wedding too.

right now i cant think rationally on how to approach this. im angry that she is taking away a part of my life that shouldnt be anything but special... but im well aware anger will get me no where. i guess i just need to take a deep breath and go day by day. I will just hope and pray that everything will work itself out.

thanks for the warm welcome! 

[GeekyGirl]

hi geekygirl! another technical question, how do you c&p the blocks from the posts your replying to? ive looked on the help feature and q&a board but didnt see that one... .  

If you start a reply, you can see other posts in the thread below. You can look at any other post and there should be an option to "insert quote" on the right hand side just below the blue bar.

as for my mom and the wedding, she is just so overbearing. inserting herself and her wants into everything. she is also extremely combative and will fight with photographers, florists, venue owners... you name it. not right off the bat, but if they dont 'respond to her' or answer her call quick enough, they are done.

right now i cant think rationally on how to approach this. im angry that she is taking away a part of my life that shouldnt be anything but special... but im well aware anger will get me no where. i guess i just need to take a deep breath and go day by day. I will just hope and pray that everything will work itself out.

Well, there are a few ways you could handle this, and you'll need to decide what works best for you. In any case, it might be a good time to set some ground rules or boundaries with your mother. There's an article here to get you started: Boundaries Tools of Respect.

There are some communications tools that are highly recommended here that might help you get your needs and ideas across to your mother. SET (TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth) is great for validating your mother's feelings but also sharing your own.

You might want to think about (or list) what you're most passionate about and what you're willing to compromise on. For me (and DH), the location and the flowers were the most important aspects of our wedding, but I was able to work with my mother on other things that didn't matter as much to me or DH, such as the reception food and favors. Also, you could consider hiring a wedding planner to coordinate with your wedding vendors to "take the pressure" off your mother. Just food for thought.

The good thing is that you have some time to prep for your wedding and learn some tools to help you better understand your mother's behavior, which will help you long after your honeymoon.