Your Perspective please.

[HappyChappy]

I’ve been ill with PTSD and NC for 6 months. I wanted to involve my sister in my recovery, but she said it was too painful for her, and doesn’t believe our mum is BPD  . I then asked her not to mention my BPD or N bro, as this triggers me. She kept to that until last week when she asked me and my kids to contribute to an album she’s putting together for our parents 50th wedding anniversary. This triggered my PTSD.  But I replied thanks but no thanks – it is a 50th after all. So my sis then approached my wife via facebook and asks her the same thing, but this time lays on the guilt and obligation on thickly. I think this is the first time she’s contact my wife.

My wife was furious  – as I had already responded to my sister by saying “We have discussed this as a family.” My BPD has only just stopped ignoring our boundaries, and this made me ill. As we see it, this shows a lack of respect or trust for me  . Something I’m not use to – in fact only in my BPD family do I get this.  Bearing in mind the last time we met, they accused my son and daughter of lying when they said my N bro had hit them. My bro responded “his behaviour was appalling, he deserved it.” – they weren’t lying and neither am I. It does trigger me to be accused in this way , it upsets me when boundaries are crossed and it triggers me to mention my BPDm.

Just need reassuring that this is unacceptable behaviour.  Also want to cool down before answering my sister.  *)She’s not BPD but she has displayed a lack of empathy and respect – and she thinks my BPD and N bro have no malice. She was the lost child, so didn’t get half the agro I got. Now I’m out of the picture – my BPDm has rediscovered her lost child and I imagine my sis is excited by this. My sis has been very isolated, never really any friends I’m aware of, and has often complained about feeling isolated. But that doesn’t help my family, and it doesn’t excuse her behaviour. How would you respond?  :light:Right now, I could probably reduce her to tears, if I spoke my mind (she’s very sensitive to criticism) and I’m livid with her. My wife has said she's going to write back to my sister from her prespetive, regardless of my repsonce. I think I need to as well, as  I can’t risk her aggravating my PTSD again and I done with people that can’t show respect – which in truth is only my BPD family members. How esle do we build our self worth ?

[lucyhoneychurch]

Chappy... . my dear... . oh wow... . yes... .

Uh... . let's see... . my only remaining sib ran back to the very awful stuff he had escaped for abt 7 yrs at the death of our mother - back to the hyper critical sib and enmeshed father. Okay, that's just how that went.

Do yourself this amazing favor and grasp that - your sister doing this very hurtful thing of insisting and pushing and bursting in at boundaries is only operating according to previously installed buttons. NOT making excuses, but letting you and your very loyal wife off the hook - if you didn't exist, your sister would still be jumping through this hoop of, "SEE, look how NORMAL we were, look at the usual happy family dynamics of celebrating an anniversary!"

If she was the lost child... . she's pathetically proving to those who could give a tinker's damn that she's loyal... . she's inside the bubble, she is going to demonstrate her loyalty, even at your expense.

Step out of it long enough to know this wasn't aimed at you. When I lost the very last sib I thought I'd have until the end of time to the late mother's consuming game - I had to step outside of it and know that there were forces at work much more powerful than the affection and support I had proven over the years.

It's not you.

It's not your wife.

It's pathetic cruel push/pull dynamics of being a child of a very heinously behaving "parent" who still expects the rainbow treatment on certain dates like birthdays or anniversaries.

Do they deserve them? pardon me, the bile is on the rise.

NO.

But your sister is trying to survive in her new found basking in the uBPD's light... .

It's simply more abuse if you will... . she is both wielding it and falling prey to it.

I'm so sorry.

I say, too, let your wife say what she needs to say - they pulled her in after all by including her after you said a very healthy, No, sorry, as a family we're not going for this.

Let 'er rip.     

[ThrowAwayChild]

Do yourself this amazing favor and grasp that - your sister doing this very hurtful thing of insisting and pushing and bursting in at boundaries is only operating according to previously installed buttons. Or not.  I think of BPD on a continuum.  Some seem to have it far worse than others and the ones with just aren't quite as harmful can be difficult to spot.  I am not saying your sister is BPD but as Lucy said "She is certainly ignoring boundaries. NOT making excuses, but letting you and your very loyal wife off the hook - if you didn't exist, your sister would still be jumping through this hoop of, "SEE, look how NORMAL we were, look at the usual happy family dynamics of celebrating an anniversary!"  Ah, yes indeed.  Let me pretend the family is normal and YOU have to, too.  Please!  Pretty please.  I need you to help me keep the normal picture and here is our chance. 



If she was the lost child... . she's pathetically proving to those who could give a tinker's damn that she's loyal... . she's inside the bubble, she is going to demonstrate her loyalty, even at your expense.

And that makes me mad for you.  It is at your expense and bubble or not she is hurting you when it sounds like you have clearly, very clearly, said "Ow, stop that.  It hurts."



But your sister is trying to survive in her new found basking in the uBPD's light... . Truer words may never have been spoken.



It's simply more abuse if you will... . she is both wielding it and falling prey to it.  Spot on.

I am sorry, too.  It feels awful to set boundaries and have them run over and just for the likes of abusive people.

I am kind of at a different place than you.  I think I am anyway.  If it were me I would have no trouble telling sis to jump off.  Explain to her that BPDs often have trouble with boundaries as SHE does.  That might start a war but at least you can define the sides.

Good luck.  What do you think you might do to protect you and your family/

[ThrowAwayChild]

Phooey.  I added comments and tried to make them stand out being in red.  It didn't work.  I am afraid I confused things by adding to Lucy's observations. 

[HappyChappy]

Chappy... . my dear... . oh wow... . yes... .

Do yourself this amazing favor and grasp that - your sister doing this very hurtful thing of insisting and pushing and bursting in at boundaries is only operating according to previously installed buttons.

You're right on the money as usualy Lucyhoneychurch. Funny how we can see this when other write, but kind of need to be told when it's about ourselves. It also got me thinking, that as my sister has been isolated her whole life, where do you get perspective from ? I guess that's exactly what the BPD want - no outside influences. Also got me wondering, that throughtout my life, my close friends and my partners have all been extreamly loyal. I used to be amazed when my friends would b___ up their partners or talk about being take advantage of. Luckly  this only ever happened in my BPD family. I think this is because I was lucky with my very first friendships, they taught me what to look for.

Explain to her that BPDs often have trouble with boundaries as SHE does.  That might start a war but at least you can define the sides.

Thanks for the support ThrowAwayChild. Like the name, you get disposable nappies, why not kids. And yes I will do that. My wife has written a short story, full of "how dare you". Kind of nice that she gets protective.

[StarStruck]

HappyChappy... .

You know what you need to do now, what your needs are today and likely for the future, you have given yourself permission to get well. This is your time now... . stick with what you know to be the truth and pursue it as if your life depends on it... . irrespective of what the doubters think. The doubters have their own journey to do, if they choose.

It may be hard to think of it this way but put yourself in the centre of it all together with your supporters and strive forward. YOU can do this!