Hi lukeyb,
sounds like she at the moment like a pumped up volcano ready to burst .
How are you validating her? The way you describe her validation would need to address/express very bleak moods and attitudes towards you and others? Those are not easy to express - you already able to do this?
It sounds a bit like she is at the brink of getting physical. Have you taken a look a the safety material e.g.
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf ?
Boundaries would help a lot now but introduction of boundaries also comes with a bit of conflict. And with the situation so volatiles you are in a bind. Still it is important to acknowledge you are abused and you deserve more respect than you get .
She has also banned my children from seeing their grandparents. (My parents for 1 month) for perceived valid reasons ( I don't see the reasons as clear cut as her but they didn't come to their 1st birthday but it was miles away as that's where she wanted it in her home town) as soon as I mention them or mentioned trying to reconcile ( I have a feeling my dad isn't very well) she goes into a rage where she verbally abuses me and my family.
This is not fair to the children. It is her right to be upset. Don't try to minimize that (would be invalidating). Don't try to reconcile (just would get you between two waring parties). But also don't let her isolate the children and yourself. Understand but that she is unbelievably upset and does not want to see your parents. That it may feel like a betrayal that kids see their grandparents. But they are two different things. It is ok for her to be super angry. It is ok for her not to come along... .