What finally made me let go

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Well some of you may know my story, but quick recap will put things in order.  I broke up with my uxBPDgf mid October of last year when I finally caught her cheating.  I Told her to never contact me again, and we stayed NC until about Mid-December.  We work for the same airline and got paired on the same trip, she panicked and called off sick, but I had a feeling she would contact me soon.  A few days later I heard from her son who was in trouble and called me instead of talking to her or his own father.  Then she contacted me via text with a simple smilie face from her mother's phone.  I ended up calling her and left a message for her regarding her son being in trouble and needing a T. A week later her and I overlapped on a layover again, and she called my room and we talked for about 45 minutes.  She was very nervous and kept saying I must hate her.  I told her I forgave her so I could move on with my life, however, I will never forget what she did, and the consequences of her actions are that she will no longer have me in her life.  She told me she thinks about me and misses me, but wouldn't discuss about her and the replacement.  I saw her again just before she left the layover and we had coffee and it was clear that she was very nervous and kept saying that to me.  She even went out and bought me my favorite wine as a present.  She left and I assumed I wouldn't hear from again, but I was definitely triggered and went backwards and couldn't stop thinking about her.  She texted me on the 24th of December to wish me Merry Christmas, I wished her the same and told her I had a present for her and would get it to her when she returned from her trip.  I never heard from her for another month, and I maintained NC.  We ended up on a trip together at the end of January, and she started with idealizing me the entire trip and telling me she still loved me and the replacement has noticed that she is not over me, and now he is very insecure and doesn't trust her, however, they are still together.  She told me she misses me and thinks of me often, she is very jealous of me dating other women, and is in denial about her feelings towards me because they are a lot stronger than she thinks.  I was majorly triggered at this point and we broke contact several times after this trip.  She texted me on Valentines Day as an excuse to find out where I was and wwhom I was with.  I told her I had been out on a date, and it made her cry, she stated again how jealous it made her.  She owed me money and about a week later sent me the money after I left her two message about reminding her that she said she would pay me back within a week or so.  She finally sent the money with a very loving card and a picture of our first trip together in the Florida Keys.  Again this triggered me, but someone very close to me finally drove the point home that, it doesn't matter what she says, it matters how she acts.  The simple fact is that she is still with the replacement, and in fact there are strong indications that they are living together.  I was left really confused after this series of interactions, but finally realized that actions speak louder than words and I don't know the reason for her still thinking about me, or loving me, or missing me because in the end she is still with the replacement.  To top it off, it's her Birthday tomorrow, but I finally decided that I must close this door behind me to never open it again.  In the end we have to base our decision on two very important factors, one being that they are disordered and will treat every replacement the same way we were treated, and two, actions speak louder than words.  No matter what she says, watch her actions, and likely they will contradict her words.  This has finally helped me to close the door on her and not contact her on her birthday, and to maintain NC going forward.  My self worth has nothing to do with her cheating, she is disordered and the problem is with her, not me.  It also helped me to repeat that no matter how successful her relationship ends up with the replacement, in the end, she was toxic for me, and I need to be concerned with my well being.  I hope this helps others in letting go and finally closing the door.  I still get some nervousness in my legs from time to time when I think that it is finally over, but I also know that no matter what, the door is closed and will stay closed.  In fact I can now even say in my mind they should she ever approach me again, I can picture myself saying no going back to me, that ship has sailed!

I do wonder from time to time why she is living with another man and still thinking about me and missing me.  I guess the disorder perhaps triggers what she can't have, I don't know, I would love to hear the opinions of others on this issue.  This was what really triggered me initially because I taught she would leave him and earlier there was a part of me that wanted her back.  However, when I realized she can compartmentalize loving me, missing me, and thinking of me all the time as she said, yet live and screw another man, then she is really disordered and I want no part of this. 

Woke up ( door closed and looking at the wide open road.  Nervous but at peace)

[woke up]

Well some of you may know my story, but quick recap will put things in order.  I broke up with my uxBPDgf mid October of last year when I finally caught her cheating.  I Told her to never contact me again, and we stayed NC until about Mid-December.  We work for the same airline and got paired on the same trip, she panicked and called off sick, but I had a feeling she would contact me soon.  A few days later I heard from her son who was in trouble and called me instead of talking to her or his own father.  Then she contacted me via text with a simple smilie face from her mother's phone.  I ended up calling her and left a message for her regarding her son being in trouble and needing a T. A week later her and I overlapped on a layover again, and she called my room and we talked for about 45 minutes.  She was very nervous and kept saying I must hate her.  I told her I forgave her so I could move on with my life, however, I will never forget what she did, and the consequences of her actions are that she will no longer have me in her life.  She told me she thinks about me and misses me, but wouldn't discuss about her and the replacement.  I saw her again just before she left the layover and we had coffee and it was clear that she was very nervous and kept saying that to me.  She even went out and bought me my favorite wine as a present.  She left and I assumed I wouldn't hear from again, but I was definitely triggered and went backwards and couldn't stop thinking about her.  She texted me on the 24th of December to wish me Merry Christmas, I wished her the same and told her I had a present for her and would get it to her when she returned from her trip.  I never heard from her for another month, and I maintained NC.  We ended up on a trip together at the end of January, and she started with idealizing me the entire trip and telling me she still loved me and the replacement has noticed that she is not over me, and now he is very insecure and doesn't trust her, however, they are still together.  She told me she misses me and thinks of me often, she is very jealous of me dating other women, and is in denial about her feelings towards me because they are a lot stronger than she thinks.  I was majorly triggered at this point and we broke contact several times after this trip.  She texted me on Valentines Day as an excuse to find out where I was and wwhom I was with.  I told her I had been out on a date, and it made her cry, she stated again how jealous it made her.  She owed me money and about a week later sent me the money after I left her two message about reminding her that she said she would pay me back within a week or so.  She finally sent the money with a very loving card and a picture of our first trip together in the Florida Keys.  Again this triggered me, but someone very close to me finally drove the point home that, it doesn't matter what she says, it matters how she acts.  The simple fact is that she is still with the replacement, and in fact there are strong indications that they are living together.  I was left really confused after this series of interactions, but finally realized that actions speak louder than words and I don't know the reason for her still thinking about me, or loving me, or missing me because in the end she is still with the replacement.  To top it off, it's her Birthday tomorrow, but I finally decided that I must close this door behind me to never open it again.  In the end we have to base our decision on two very important factors, one being that they are disordered and will treat every replacement the same way we were treated, and two, actions speak louder than words.  No matter what she says, watch her actions, and likely they will contradict her words.  This has finally helped me to close the door on her and not contact her on her birthday, and to maintain NC going forward.  My self worth has nothing to do with her cheating, she is disordered and the problem is with her, not me.  It also helped me to repeat that no matter how successful her relationship ends up with the replacement, in the end, she was toxic for me, and I need to be concerned with my well being.  I hope this helps others in letting go and finally closing the door.  I still get some nervousness in my legs from time to time when I think that it is finally over, but I also know that no matter what, the door is closed and will stay closed.  In fact I can now even say in my mind they should she ever approach me again, I can picture myself saying no going back to me, that ship has sailed!

I do wonder from time to time why she is living with another man and still thinking about me and missing me.  I guess the disorder perhaps triggers what she can't have, I don't know, I would love to hear the opinions of others on this issue.  This was what really triggered me initially because I taught she would leave him and earlier there was a part of me that wanted her back.  However, when I realized she can compartmentalize loving me, missing me, and thinking of me all the time as she said, yet live and screw another man, then she is really disordered and I want no part of this. 

Woke up ( door closed and looking at the wide open road.  Nervous but at peace)

[LettingGo14]

Bravo. Amen.

I am following your lead.   I have given up hope (in the best possible way) that I could make a relationship work with my xBPDgf.   I can't.   In four months since discard, she has sent me "miss you" texts in the middle of the night, voicemails of "fear" that I am moving on, and then gone back into her turtle shell when I try to reconnect.

I'm done, done, done.

I lived in the FOG for 3 out of 4 years.  She's an eternal victim.

Congrats to you.

[woke up]

Great news Lettingo14, congrats to you as well.  Sometimes, we fight it and fight it, and then one day something just clicks and we wonder why we didn't do it earlier. 

[Happy1]

Hey Woke up,

Your story is familiar for a good many of us. You said something pretty profound that I think you should think about more as you heal. The statement you made at the end where you felt she "compartmentalized" the love for you and her (and others)…

I had this same issue rattling around in my head for the better part of 20 yrs. regarding my uexBPDgf too. For the life of me, I couldn't see how she could stay and marry this other guy when everything she did prior didn't work out and people had walked away from her, like I did. The question in my head was "Why this guy?" I mean forever, I thought, "What made him special?" and "Why did 'it' work with him." Then I read on another board one other poster's description of his wife and she really had trouble and would rage, etc. when he started asserting his needs within their relationship. In other words, for him, he said everything would run smoothly so long as he never asserted or brought forward "his" needs at all. This got me to my epiphany and hopefully something you'll get too as well. The answers to my questions had to do with the fact that all this woman has, was, and is ever looking for is "someone". Someone to be there so she's not having feelings of abandonment. Someone to be there to provide a "resemblance" of a normal life. Someone to commit to her. Someone to provide a paycheck. Etc., etc., etc. In reality, she DOES NOT and CANNOT "feel" the connection or feelings of love like non-BPDs do (some may argue with me about this, but this is only my opinion). Instead, she really NEEDS individuals (me and all of the others in her life) to meet her immediate and long term needs. As long as that happens, she's content and living the life she feels she deserves. I was (as is her husband now) about as useful as a toy object. I like to metaphorically refer to it as her playing doll house, just as most little girls do. I was the male doll figure that was suppose to do xxx, while mister husband is the doll that is suppose to yyy, as are her kids and pets. The epiphany is, we're all just OBJECTS to be placed where and how she wants us, without any dialog, needs, or objections. In the case of my BPD this person would do anything, say anything, to pull at my heart strings to me to believe otherwise and to provide her with what she NEEDED in the moment she need it. And, that was never to be reversed. It was literally an infinite one way deal in her eyes. As soon as I started talking about what I needed, she was off to greener pastures for the time being, without committing to letting me go either (classic push/pull dynamic ensued).

So, in your case, your BPD is likely fine in the moment-to-moment periods that she has someone (her new beau) near her or consuming her attention (as long as she getting what she wants, e.g. positive/negative attention) when she not, and possibly alone, she's scheming about how she can manipulate you to give her that little morsel of something she needs when she's running low of whatever THAT thing might be (attention, feelings of love, envy, etc.). This is commonly referred to as narcissistic supply. That's where the objectification and compartmentalization commonly happens for these people. Divorce your mind from the fact that she LOVES you in the same way you truly love her. That's their cover for appearing and sounding normal, but it's really just a ruse to draw you back again (charmed/Ho0vered). So, think of her expressed thoughts of deep feelings and emotions for you as simply expressing her simply just NEEDING you when she needs you (in whatever way that might be). Also, give yourself a ton of credit, because as you'll soon come to figure out and to understand about your part in this RS that you're really off the hook for anything you might have ever regretted doing to make yourself feel guilty or at "fault" for the demise of your relationship with her. Don't get to strung out about that, because as you said, it has way more to do with her actions TOWARDs you than any meaning you might hold for her.

I don't mean to sound rough, but she doesn't care about you (in the way you want or that you associate your feelings for her). You like me, and all the rest of us here, can easily be replaced by someone else (as they've all shown all of us is true, time and time again). However, the other thing to remember is, that goes for EVERYONE else too.

[woke up]

Happy2, thanks for the great insight and a well thought out post that is obviously based on years of experience with your XBPDGF.  You are right, I did start to exert my needs and I was not willing to play her games, so she went and found someone that is willing to put up with her.  The new beau is in The middle of a divorce and about 12 years older than her (56 years old).  I think he's between a rock and a hard place because his wife will likely take him to the cleaners financially, and what is left is insecure cause he thinks she still wants me.  I think at his age, he may put up with her crap for a very long time or perhaps a life time, but he just bought himself a miserable existence.  I put up with it for nearly 2 yrs before I woke up.  I don't necessarily feel bad for him though since he cheated on his wife and knew my exGF was living with me and played along anyway, so in a karmic way he is in for what he deserves, but I in no way wish him bad.  Thanks again for your insight, it helped close some holes.

[Tausk]

This was what really triggered me initially because I taught she would leave him and earlier there was a part of me that wanted her back.  However, when I realized she can compartmentalize loving me, missing me, and thinking of me all the time as she said, yet live and screw another man, then she is really disordered and I want no part of this.  

Woke up ( door closed and looking at the wide open road.  Nervous but at peace)

I'm glad you are finding peace today.  What you wrote about the ability to compartmentalize is really insightful.  It's why we can believe what they say when when they are telling us they love us.  It's because they believe it.  They are not lying, when they say that they be with us forever, and will do anything for us.  But in a flip of a switch, we are evil and forgotten.

It's the Disorder.  The Disorder requires participation and always wins.   The only thing left is accept we will lose to the Disorder, for example being cheated on, or we refuse to participate any more.

Have you finished participating?  :)id you find closure?

Have you considered that your interaction with you ex, triangulated her current boyfriend.  From an outside perspective, the lack of defined boundaries go both ways, and if I was her current boyfriend, I don't believe that I would feel any different than how I felt when I learned my ex was cultivating a r/s with her current husband while we were still living together.  

Because I know I felt pretty crappy when my ex was exchanging communication with my replacement during our last valentines day.  In fact, she painted me black that day, and cancelled.  I'm pretty sure she was with him, but won't ever be able to get an answer.  Hey, maybe it was you who she was talking to?

The worst part of the Disorder, in my opinion is the [url=https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0]Triangulation[/url].  Its just adds dimensions to the insanity and destruction.  It makes everyone a victim.  I cause us to do things that hurt our integrity and our soul.

All the best.

T

[woke up]

Tausk, the funny thing is I had no idea how she felt.  When I caught her cheating and broke up with her, I figured she got who she wants to be with and that's that.  Come to find out months later that now she's putting him through the same crap she put me through by thinking of me while with him.  I agree the cheating is the worst part of all this, however, in this case, I firmly believe in karma, and think Mr. Replacement is getting a little flavor of what I went through.  I don't wish him bad in anyway, but I don't feel sorry for him either.  He cheated on his wife with my ex, and was having an affair with my ex knowing she was living with me.  In the end however, it's not about him or her, it's about my health and well being, and in order to focus on me, I let go of her because I can't focus on me as long as she is in the picture.  In terms of closure, I got it through forgiving her, and she eventually apologized last month, not that I believe her apology is genuine, she probably said it because she sensed I wanted that.  It doesn't really matter because I forgave her and have moved on so that is my closure.  

[Tausk]

Tausk, the funny thing is I had no idea how she felt.  When I caught her cheating and broke up with her, I figured she got who she wants to be with and that's that.  Come to find out months later that now she's putting him through the same crap she put me through by thinking of me while with him.  I agree the cheating is the worst part of all this, however, in this case, I firmly believe in karma, and think Mr. Replacement is getting a little flavor of what I went through.  I don't wish him bad in anyway, but I don't feel sorry for him either.  He cheated on his wife with my ex, and was having an affair with my ex knowing she was living with me.  In the end however, it's not about him or her, it's about my health and well being, and in order to focus on me, I let go of her because I can't focus on me as long as she is in the picture.  In terms of closure, I got it through forgiving her, and she eventually apologized last month, not that I believe her apology is genuine, she probably said it because she sensed I wanted that.  It doesn't really matter because I forgave her and have moved on so that is my closure.  

There you go!  The only closure I found was the closure I gave myself.  And it seems you have done the same.  Yes, what's done is done.  And regardless of karma and who deserved what... . When I was the middle of the BPD triangle, everybody in the triangle was diminished. 

The Disorder needs participation.  The Disorder always wins.    I need to walk away.