My girlfriend left me for her ex after 6 months

[whiteknight4152]

My girlfriend had been broken up with her ex for over a year. She was planning on being single the rest of her life. Then she met me. We shared EVERYTHING from qualities to things we loved and loved doing.  The love of my life decided to end our relationship due to all the overwhelming stress in her life after 6 months. Her ex would email her and contact her trying to say things to get her to come back to him but she would always tell him to buzz off. One morning she woke up from a dream crying because it was about him. I told her I trusted her to do whatever she needed to close that chapter in her life. She Appreciated my unconditional love and support so much when she had tough days. Then numerous things in her life were filling her plate and stressing her out so much causing her to have episodes. Then she broke up with me because she didn’t think it was fair to me. I made her promise me that if anything happened between us again organically, to let it happen. For her not to push me out because she thought she didn’t deserve my love or that she’d just drag me down. She promised. After weeks of trying to reconcile, she has blocked me on every platform including my number. I went to her house to talk to her and saw a side of her I’ve never seen. She has split me black for reasons unknown to me. She told me I make her feel unsafe in her own home, she can’t leave her doors unlocked anymore because she’s afraid. She can’t trust me. She never wants to see me again and she doesn’t owe me any answers. I was just a stepping stone. She never wants to see me again, but if I ever need anything she’s here for me/ help me? This is what she does, all she is is cold hearted and always runs. I know the things she was saying was just to push me away and hate her so it’d be easier for me to leave. But I love her no matter what. She is now back with her toxic ex WITHIN A WEEK who treated her badly but he was always “sorry for the things he did to her” and “had a good heart. They are both posting all over social media about how in love with him she is and they are doing things on our bucket list this year that WE HAD PLANNED on doing. It’s almost like she’s training him to be me.  I’m so hurt. I hope one day she realized she twisted my love into something it wasn’t. I hope she realizes she split me black for no reason and tries to reach out... .the last thing I said to her was “I’m sorry I woke you up this morning, you can block/unblock me from whatever, whenever you want to talk to me or need me you know where I am/how to get ahold of me. I hope you have a good day and I love you”
I just want her back no matter how many times I have to deal with this. I’m better equipped. But will she ever give me that chance, or will she idealize her ex for the rest of her life. Will she ever realize what she did to me was wrong?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[randomuser94]

The harsh truth is that this cycle will go on and on. No mater how strong and prepared you are, she will always take a small piece of you every time the cycle repeats. Sooner or later your soul will be to damaged to accept another recycle. The only true solution will be for her to accept and start treatment.
  I thought that I can do it as well, that i'm prepared and I will endure; that true love-our love will prevail. It never did. I had to see her leaving me for random guys, see her ruining our future marriage and slowly destroy me on the inside. The pain in my soul only grew bigger and bigger with every new sexual partner she had, every time right after she broke up with me... Breaking up with me because I came 5min late from work and going banging other guys is not normal, yet I tought that I deserve this... that's my fault.

  The moment she splited you black is the moment when she started having no feelings for you, it's the moment you became the reason your relation didn't worked and you are a monster in her view. The more you talk with her the more you keep her seeing you like this. Best solution whether you want her back or want to move on and heal is to go NoContact and start investing in you. Right now she is triangulating you. You are the abuser and the other guy is her 'white knight'.

  Her love for you wasn't love. No one will ever hurt you and treat you like this if they loved you. And the biggest quality she had was actually coming from you. That bond you had, where your dreams were the same, that you shared the same qualities... she was actually mirroring you. You will hear this from every member from this site. They were actually a copy of yourself. They do this with everyone. You will notice that now, with his exboyfriend her qualities and things she loved changed. Sadly the 2 best things  you found in her were lies-> her love and the things you thought you shared.

  It's not you who is in need of a chance right now, you need to realize that. She betrayed you and YOU are asking for a chance. I've been there myself. She cheated on me and I was begging for another chance.
  You look like you might have co-dependency traits. You should start there. Learn to understand yourself. Find out why you are accepting someone this toxic in your life and why you are willing to go back to such person.
   

[Harley Quinn]

I just want her back no matter how many times I have to deal with this. I’m better equipped. But will she ever give me that chance, or will she idealize her ex for the rest of her life. Will she ever realize what she did to me was wrong?

Hi WhiteKnight,

I'm sorry to hear that things have turned out this way for you.  Do you keep track of their social media?  Finding that they plan to do things you were planning must hurt a great deal.  I feel for you. 

Your last message to her left the door open and told her how you feel.  Are you planning to leave things like this now and let the ball be in her court?  It seems like a good time to think about how you might approach a chance of reconciliation.  What do you mean by being better equipped? 

Love and light x

[Insom]

Hello, whiteknight4152.   

It sounds like you put your heart on the line for this person and that you still have feelings for her.  Hugs.    I can relate to how confusing it feels to whip back and forth between feeling appreciated to being "split black."

The behaviors you've described - the intense swings of emotion and reactivity - are typical of BPD.

After weeks of trying to reconcile, she has blocked me on every platform including my number. I went to her house to talk to her and saw a side of her I’ve never seen. She has split me black for reasons unknown to me. She told me I make her feel unsafe in her own home, she can’t leave her doors unlocked anymore because she’s afraid. She can’t trust me. She never wants to see me again and she doesn’t owe me any answers. I was just a stepping stone.

Ouch, this must have hurt.  Could it be that she is struggling to cope with intense emotions, has asked for space but doesn't have great communication skills, and doesn't feel like you heard her?

I just want her back no matter how many times I have to deal with this. I’m better equipped. But will she ever give me that chance, or will she idealize her ex for the rest of her life. Will she ever realize what she did to me was wrong?

It sounds like you've got some time to think about this.  Have you had a chance to check out any of the links on the right side of this page?  There's a ton of good information there about how to have more successful interactions with people with BPD that I've found helpful that you may also find helpful.  For example, when you are feeling unfairly accused, don't JADE.

Check out this thread that explains why JADE is ineffective and what to do instead: Don't "JADE" (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

[JNChell]

 

Hi whiteknight4152. Welcome to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you’ve found us in the way that you had to, but glad that you did.

It sounds like your emotions are pretty raw right now. That is completely understandable given your situation. Do you have a line of support, i.e. friends/family that you can lean on right now?

I’d like to echo the advice given by Insom to utilize the other resources on this site. The posting boards are the meat and potatoes of this site, but it’s very helpful to ingrain the information provided here into your mind. It will help you understand the things you are feeling quicker. All of the members and staff here are in different stages of situations that are very similar to yours. You have access to experts here.

I know you’re hurting, and I know how intense it is. We empathize and we hear you.

[whiteknight4152]

Hi WhiteKnight,

I'm sorry to hear that things have turned out this way for you.  Do you keep track of their social media?  Finding that they plan to do things you were planning must hurt a great deal.  I feel for you. 

Your last message to her left the door open and told her how you feel.  Are you planning to leave things like this now and let the ball be in her court?  It seems like a good time to think about how you might approach a chance of reconciliation.  What do you mean by being better equipped? 

Love and light x

After we broke up, i started doing heavy research into BPD. After reading all this new material, I realized i had become codependent in the relationship. When we started dating, we were two independent growth minded individuals. We were open minded to everything. Sounds cheesy but, we had a deep connection and loved each others souls.  I lost myself by becoming comfortable in the relationship. She couldn't handle the constant smothering and love and would have to ask for a couple days of space because she's introverted. After a day, she would thank me and ask me to come home to her because she missed me. I realized, that I'm not the kind of person that needs that relationship that is 24/7 smothering love and affection. So a week after we broke up, i went and told her all of this. How there will be days when we do smother each other with love and affection and How there will be days when she needs space or i need space or days where i'll be busy, and days where she'll be busy. And that i just want her as my life partner. But now she's back with her ex. Doing all of the things we had planned on doing. i would like a certain hobby like cooking and she would say "i love how we share this together because my ex hated this kind of stuff." well now i see they're cooking together before i got blocked by her. I need to take this time for myself and build myself back up. But, is there any chance she comes back from splitting me black for no reason? or is is happily ever after with this guy? I hope she reaches out to me at some point in time.  Because as much as she wants to split me to justify her actions, she knows how genuine of a person i am. I hope she realizes that at some point and wants to reconcile and at least be cordial. I feel so empty without her in my life. would the reconciliation have to be on her part? i feel like if i reached out at this point it would just be worse since i'm painted black and that she's "in love with her ex" a week after me. We were each others light. I just want to talk to her again, but all she wants to do is push me in the back of her mind.

[whiteknight4152]

Hello, whiteknight4152.   

It sounds like you put your heart on the line for this person and that you still have feelings for her.  Hugs.    I can relate to how confusing it feels to whip back and forth between feeling appreciated to being "split black."

The behaviors you've described - the intense swings of emotion and reactivity - are typical of BPD.

Ouch, this must have hurt.  Could it be that she is struggling to cope with intense emotions, has asked for space but doesn't have great communication skills, and doesn't feel like you heard her?

It sounds like you've got some time to think about this. 

She definitely has trouble communicating. But has told me that i've been the most understanding with her and that she's been more open with me than anyone else she's been with. Because when she acted out, i never got angry with her or tore her down because of her empty words of hate or snappiness towards me. because i know it's nothing i did wrong. I think she also felt guilty that i was so understanding. meaning, she probably felt guilty that she was treating me this way when she thought "i deserved better".  that last day, she told me to respect her decision of breaking up. So i will. hopefully she sees that i respect her wishes and reach out to me one day. Is it possible she will reach out to me one day? i just don't see us having such a deep love and connection to one another, and then we never see each other again.

[Cromwell]

The harsh truth is that this cycle will go on and on. No mater how strong and prepared you are, she will always take a small piece of you every time the cycle repeats. Sooner or later your soul will be to damaged to accept another recycle. The only true solution will be for her to accept and start treatment.
  I thought that I can do it as well, that i'm prepared and I will endure; that true love-our love will prevail. It never did. I had to see her leaving me for random guys, see her ruining our future marriage and slowly destroy me on the inside. The pain in my soul only grew bigger and bigger with every new sexual partner she had, every time right after she broke up with me... Breaking up with me because I came 5min late from work and going banging other guys is not normal, yet I tought that I deserve this... that's my fault.

  The moment she splited you black is the moment when she started having no feelings for you, it's the moment you became the reason your relation didn't worked and you are a monster in her view. The more you talk with her the more you keep her seeing you like this. Best solution whether you want her back or want to move on and heal is to go NoContact and start investing in you. Right now she is triangulating you. You are the abuser and the other guy is her 'white knight'.

  Her love for you wasn't love. No one will ever hurt you and treat you like this if they loved you. And the biggest quality she had was actually coming from you. That bond you had, where your dreams were the same, that you shared the same qualities... she was actually mirroring you. You will hear this from every member from this site. They were actually a copy of yourself. They do this with everyone. You will notice that now, with his exboyfriend her qualities and things she loved changed. Sadly the 2 best things  you found in her were lies-> her love and the things you thought you shared.

  It's not you who is in need of a chance right now, you need to realize that. She betrayed you and YOU are asking for a chance. I've been there myself. She cheated on me and I was begging for another chance.
  You look like you might have co-dependency traits. You should start there. Learn to understand yourself. Find out why you are accepting someone this toxic in your life and why you are willing to go back to such person.
   

all the above is so crystal clear and true. the only strange thing happened when she tried to cheat and triangulate against me is that i broke it apart by insulting the guy she went with (factually), to the point she couldnt maintain her attempt to start idolising him. i was truthful and factual and also started to withdraw from her despite having already by that stage been very much in love.

i think besides their love for promiscuity and impulsiveness, it is a low self esteem issue that leads to the cheating, a way of feeling a bit of power in the relationship. you might think, what do you mean power? i did nothing but serve her every wish and was the nice guy? well, the power is something else, it is their fear of abandonment regardless of how much goodness you provide and the nicer you are, the harder it would be "if" you abandoned them as they fear the most this trauma feeling. it is harder to split you black the nicer you are aswell, this was the case with me.

maybe they think the cheating makes you desire them more, well for me it was all over from there, despite her doing everything to try and keep me. someone once said, BPD are interested in the chase, after they have you its too boring. i ruined the fun by basically discarding her straight away finding out. she probably expected me to crawl after her and i know now would have enjoyed the self esteem boost to feel so "in demand" and "wanted". I got her back and then got my own revenge and strangely she never had any issue with me but was enraged at the woman who went with me.

if you feel so strongly you want her back, i suggest showing her as little attention as possible, even hint that youve started to meet someone else even if you havent. but why would you want someone like that back? its same question I ask myself. they force you drop your own standards, i got the impression it is something along the mindset of "can I even cheat on you and you still wont leave me?" as if to keep pushing a boundary of how much are they really loved, how much can they get away with. I honestly dont believe that this game is ever winnable, it would go on forever. just what they would thrive on, perpetual chaos and drama. fine if you like that sort of thing, and this is where i think randomuser is accurate about the co-dependency aspect. i feel as if I was in a sado-masochist relationship just written by a different name. it culminated in me feeling happy when she broke down in tears, as if at last i had some form of display of emotion, of the veneer and facade being broken down. and i didnt feel right about that, nor what it was that i wanted in a relationship.

they do come back for a recycle, but this should not be seen on the surface as a sign of their weakness, it is a lure to get you back into the game and then punish you again for it. a game where you are forced to feel stupid for being frauded the second time around.

i swear the biggest revelation i made when it comes to BPD, they are the epitome of abject misery in themselves, what they want more than anything else is to see you become just as sad as they are. that is the only source of their true happiness. anything you do to show how upset you are, or want her back just adds fuel to this as she knows what she did to you worked as planned.

Cromwell

[whiteknight4152]

The harsh truth is that this cycle will go on and on. No mater how strong and prepared you are, she will always take a small piece of you every time the cycle repeats. Sooner or later your soul will be to damaged to accept another recycle. The only true solution will be for her to accept and start treatment.
  I thought that I can do it as well, that i'm prepared and I will endure; that true love-our love will prevail. It never did. I had to see her leaving me for random guys, see her ruining our future marriage and slowly destroy me on the inside. The pain in my soul only grew bigger and bigger with every new sexual partner she had, every time right after she broke up with me... Breaking up with me because I came 5min late from work and going banging other guys is not normal, yet I tought that I deserve this... that's my fault.

  The moment she splited you black is the moment when she started having no feelings for you, it's the moment you became the reason your relation didn't worked and you are a monster in her view. The more you talk with her the more you keep her seeing you like this. Best solution whether you want her back or want to move on and heal is to go NoContact and start investing in you. Right now she is triangulating you. You are the abuser and the other guy is her 'white knight'.
   

No matter what she did to me, I forgive her. Every night I pray that she that she finds peace. I'm the bigger person in the situation. I will stay No contact for the time being. Yes, I did become codependent during the relationship. I have to find myself again, because when we met, we were two independent driven people. I do not believe she was mirroring me. We met in college where our careers and interests intertwined. From there, we began to see we shared more interests and qualities than we first thought. Now, it seems she's trying to train her ex to be me. Going and doing all the things on OUR bucket list and posting about it. I hope she does reach out to me. I don't see her staying away from me considering she split me black for being a good person. She even said, "Yeah your intentions may have been pure and out of love, but i've split you anyways." When and if she comes back, she must be accepting of help; something she doesn't think she needs from anyone. Despite how she's treated me, she's still one of the kindest people i've ever met. She just forgets to be kind to herself. I've no malice towards her, just love.

[Radcliff]

whiteknight4152, can you tell us about your relationship timeline?  You said you met in college.  How old are you each now?  How long was she with her ex?  After six months with you, she's been back with her ex for a week or two, correct?

Can you tell us a little about what you mean with this statement:

When and if she comes back, she must be accepting of help

WW

[whiteknight4152]

whiteknight4152, can you tell us about your relationship timeline?  You said you met in college.  How old are you each now?  How long was she with her ex?  After six months with you, she's been back with her ex for a week or two, correct?

Can you tell us a little about what you mean with this statement:

WW

Yes we met in college.  She had been single for about a year after being in a 1 1/2 year relationship with her ex. She had planned on staying single for the foreseeable future, until she met me. I’m twenty and she’s twenty-five. Yes after 6 months with me, she’s back with him. He would try contacting her, but she would always shut him down or ignore him. She had even planned on having dinner with me (post breakup) until I “flipped a switch”. She’d tell me that the ex would always treat her poorly for acting certain ways  due to her borderline. He would tear her apart for the ways she acted during her episodes. I however, loved and accepted her for who she was no matter how she acted because I loved her and I know her anger wasn’t directed towards me. She likes to be independent and help others but doesn’t like others helping her even when she needs it. I’d help her with things all the time, and she’d feel guilty I helped her later. I realize now, that she needs to do things on her own and if she asks for help, then it’s okay. She also told me she was more open with me talking about things than anyone she’s ever been with. I think she appreciates  the support and help, but doesn’t feel like she deserves it.

[whiteknight4152]

whiteknight4152, can you tell us about your relationship timeline?  You said you met in college.  How old are you each now?  How long was she with her ex?  After six months with you, she's been back with her ex for a week or two, correct?

Can you tell us a little about what you mean with this statement:

WW

We met last year. She had dated her ex for 1-2 years. She finally broke up with him for the way he treated her. She was single after that for a year. She was planning on staying single for the foreseeable future until she met me. I am twenty and she is five years older than me. I loved her unconditionally and accepted her for who she was and loved her just as hard. Her attitudes and episodes never bothered me because i knew the anger and behavior wasn't rooted towards me. She would tell me her ex would tear her down for the way she acted when she had episodes or an attitude so she finally left him. Now they are back together.  So even when we had as deep of a connection as we did for six months, she can just fluctuate and flip a switch and idealize someone else. Is it because I was her “fairytale” and that she didn’t think she deserved it, that she thought it was too good to be true so she went back to what she was familiar with? That she had already been let down by this person before so she wouldn't be upset when he does it again, she'll expect it? About the help, i meant, she would feel guilty if anyone tried to help her with anything. She always was so thankful for me being so supportive and understanding with her but she didn't think she deserved it. She'd tell me that she's never been this open with anyone before as she was with me.  If i'd help her with anything she'd feel guilty. I realize now, that i can only help her if she asks me, not just force my help on her. All I want is to have her back no matter what she did to me, I forgive her. I love her, but will I ever get the chance to reconcile with her again? Or will she stay with this guy?

[Radcliff]

whiteknight4152,

There are two dynamics in pwBPD that may be at play here.  One is black and white thinking, and the other is the "push pull dynamic."  They are related.  

pwBPD tend to think of things in "all or nothing" terms.  For example, today is either wonderful, or it has been totally ruined.  That person is either totally wonderful, or totally monstrous.  We call this "painting white" or "painting black."  For example, she may have painted her ex black, and painted you white.  Reversals are common.  So at some point, she may have gone back to painting her ex white.  It may simply be that she had a break from all the bad stuff.  She may paint him black again.

pwBPD also can have fears of both abandonment, and of intimacy.  Sometimes they get fearful when they become too close to someone, and can push them away.  This may also correspond to a period of painting that person black.

Looking at your original post, she is saying that she is scared of you.  Now, first, I'll assume that you're doing all the right things, respecting her physical and communication boundaries, etc.  Paranoia can also be a factor with BPD.  In our membership here, it seems to vary from relationship to relationship, but it definitely appears in some.

Are you up for a little reading?  There are several good books about BPD, but the one I'm thinking might be a good place to start is "I Hate You Don't Leave Me."  It was the first book I read on BPD, and it really helped me to understand what was happening.

What is your current level of communication with her?  Any at all?  If so, by what methods and how often?

WW

[whiteknight4152]

whiteknight4152,

There are two dynamics in pwBPD that may be at play here.  One is black and white thinking, and the other is the "push pull dynamic."  They are related.  

pwBPD tend to think of things in "all or nothing" terms.  For example, today is either wonderful, or it has been totally ruined.  That person is either totally wonderful, or totally monstrous.  We call this "painting white" or "painting black."  For example, she may have painted her ex black, and painted you white.  Reversals are common.  So at some point, she may have gone back to painting her ex white.  It may simply be that she had a break from all the bad stuff.  She may paint him black again.

What is your current level of communication with her?  Any at all?  If so, by what methods and how often?

WW

There is no contact between us currently. She has blocked me on everything. The last thing I said to her was “you can unblock/block me on whatever, you know where to find me and how to get ahold of me if you need me. I’m sorry I stopped by unannounced, I hope you have a good day and I love you”
Is there any chance she will reach out to me at some point? Is it that I treated her so well, it scared her so she pushed me away? Then goes back to her ex because she knows he’s let her down before, so when he does it again it won’t be as hard for her to leave? Or will her ex stay painted white and I stay black?  All I did was love her unconditionally.
Yes I actually was going to read that book after I finish stop walking on eggshells!

[Radcliff]

It is impossible to predict what she will do.  Given the nature of the illness, it would not be surprising at all if she cycled away from her ex again.  Your best bet is to study up and be ready if that happens.

One thought for you -- your user name is "white knight."  Many of the members here are what is called "rescuers."  Some of us reformed, some not!  You cannot fix her.  No matter how brilliant you are, you will not be able to make this illness disappear.  As you've found out, you have less control that you wish, and even if you are successful in turning things into a long term relationship, some things will continue to happen that you wish didn't, and you will still find many things beyond your control.  You can become well informed, practice the tools, and become the best possible partner for a pwBPD, and it can help things be better.  It will be very important to stay in touch with who you are, what you want, and what your boundaries are.  Is the concept of boundaries a familiar one?

What has resonated with you so far in your reading of Eggshells?  Have you had moments where you felt it was describing what you experienced, or insights that might be helpful in the future?

WW

[whiteknight4152]

It is impossible to predict what she will do.  Given the nature of the illness, it would not be surprising at all if she cycled away from her ex again. 

 It will be very important to stay in touch with who you are, what you want, and what your boundaries are.  Is the concept of boundaries a familiar one?

What has resonated with you so far in your reading of Eggshells?  Have you had moments where you felt it was describing what you experienced, or insights that might be helpful in the future?

WW

I’ve learned so much more about what I want in a relationship, and how to have successful boundaries with her if she gives me that opportunity. We came into the relationship two independent growth minded people and we fell in love. Later in the relationship, I became codependent because I never had a relationship this serious and a love this deep. So she had trouble dealing with my love and affection all the time. I apologized for smothering all the time, I was going about our relationship wrong.  I told her I realized I didn’t need the constant love and affection. That there will be days when she’s busy or I’m busy, or she needs space and that’s fine. There will also be days when we do another each other with love. At the end of the day, I just want her as my life partner. I’ve put so much time into researching and reading about BPD. I know what I want out of a relationship and the boundaries would work for both her and I. Yes walking on eggshells has been very helpful along with these forums. I’m so grateful for the tools and support I receive here.

[Radcliff]

whiteknight,

It sounds like you have learned quite a bit!  While relationships with pwBPD can be frustrating, they can prompt us to learn so much about relationships in general.  If we come into a relationship with a pwBPD without much relationship experience ourselves, the results can be pretty dramatic.  It can be painful, but it can also teach us so much.  It sounds like you're going a great job of learning, and even if this relationship does not work out, you will be in much better shape for the next one.

Another book that you might be interested in is "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," by John Gottman and Nan Silver.  Don't worry, even if you are nowhere close to the marriage stage of your life, it's still an interesting book.  Gottman studied many successful relationships to see what made them tick.  I wish I'd read the book when I was your age!

Do you have friends in common with her?

WW

[whiteknight4152]

Another book that you might be interested in is "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," by John Gottman and Nan Silver.  Don't worry, even if you are nowhere close to the marriage stage of your life, it's still an interesting book.  Gottman studied many successful relationships to see what made them tick.  I wish I'd read the book when I was your age!

Do you have friends in common with her?

WW

Thank you for the support! Yes, i'm soaking up all the information I can to be a better partner to her, or somebody else. I'll definitely check that book out! I'm sort of stuffing my mind with books and knowledge to keep myself occupied. No friends in common, the friends she had all really liked me and would tell me how good I was for her. Her family really liked me as well telling me out of all the guys she'd dated, i'm the only one they liked. I just hope one day, she opens up to me and allows herself to be loved the way she deserves. I'm thinking of writing her a brief message next month before finals week to wish her luck and just to send her some good vibes. We have been NC for a month now. My intentions in this are genuine and I really hope she's doing well. I was just curious if I would make it worse for my image in her eyes since she previously devalued me/painted me black, and we are currently NoContact.  Also to let her know that I have no malice towards her and that I really hope she's doing good. I wouldn't expect a response, but at least she knows that her behavior towards me has not tainted her image in my mind. I forgive her, I love her, and I hope she finds peace. Yes, the hopeful side of me would love for her to re-initiate contact with me down the line.

[Radcliff]

whitenight,

If the content of the note is to wish her well before finals, say you're thinking about her and hope she's well -- general stuff that doesn't apply any pressure towards getting back together, that sounds pretty safe.  How would you deliver the note?  A physical note?  By e-mail?  Would you be able to deliver it in a way that didn't feel invasive?  Do you have her snail mail address?  An old fashioned card could work.

WW

[whiteknight4152]

whitenight,

If the content of the note is to wish her well before finals, say you're thinking about her and hope she's well -- general stuff that doesn't apply any pressure towards getting back together, that sounds pretty safe.  How would you deliver the note?  A physical note?  By e-mail?  Would you be able to deliver it in a way that didn't feel invasive?  Do you have her snail mail address?  An old fashioned card could work.

WW

Of course, yeah just a brief message sending her some good energy. Nothing about us. Just to let her know her image isn’t tainted in my mind. Probably by email, she has blocked me on everything. I’m not sure if she’s unblocked my number since we’ve been NC. I really am not even looking for a response out of her. As far as I know she’s still with the ex  and I don’t think I could be in contact with her right now as long as they’re together. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t care about her and love her. I just know us talking again while she’s in a relationship with him would tear me apart. Just want to wish her well and maybe once her mind is clear she’d be open to reaching out to me again.

[Radcliff]

A positive energy e-mail sounds great!

(I'm forgetting that for some these days, e-mail is "old fashioned."  Funny, to me, a generation older than you, that that new e-mail thing is considered a last resort  )

WW

[whiteknight4152]

A positive energy e-mail sounds great!

(I'm forgetting that for some these days, e-mail is "old fashioned."  Funny, to me, a generation older than you, that that new e-mail thing is considered a last resort  )

WW

Email is the last resort! Haha.
So that sounds like a okay idea even though she’s painted me black at the moment and she’s idealizing her ex?

[Radcliff]

So that sounds like a okay idea even though she’s painted me black at the moment and she’s idealizing her ex?

It's your call.  Doing nothing is the safest, but also doesn't have any upside.  Sending a short, positive note, seems pretty safe.  Especially if you read it several times and don't see anything there is for her to turn around and be negative about.  Might be good to bounce it off of someone if you like.  Even if she does react negatively, for all you know she'll reread the same carefully worded message sometime later, or remember it, and repaint it white.

WW

[whiteknight4152]

So I got on Pinterest this morning and she has deleted me from our boards. She also deleted herself from my board.   Is it each time she thinks of me, she tries to block me out more? what happens when she runs out of things to block/delete me from? Is she trying to push her emotions for me down more by trying to get me out of sight everywhere? Does she miss me/thinking about me and it hurts her so she tries to disconnect more?

[Radcliff]

So I got on Pinterest this morning and she has deleted me from our boards. She also deleted herself from my board.   Is it each time she thinks of me, she tries to block me out more? what happens when she runs out of things to block/delete me from? Is she trying to push her emotions for me down more by trying to get me out of sight everywhere? Does she miss me/thinking about me and it hurts her so she tries to disconnect more?

It means today, she moved farther away from you.  It doesn't guarantee what might happen tomorrow. 

I went back and re-read your thread, and it doesn't look like we've talked about what else you have going on in your life.  When we are separated from someone even if temporarily and with some uncertainty, it can be good to re-energize other parts of our life to fill the void.  Do you have friends you can hang out with?  Family you can reconnect with?  Hobbies that have fallen by the wayside?  Re-energizing these other areas does not necessarily mean we're shutting out the relationship forever, but can help us stay balanced as we process things and see if there might be another shot at the relationship.

WW

[whiteknight4152]

It means today, she moved farther away from you.  It doesn't guarantee what might happen tomorrow. 

I went back and re-read your thread, and it doesn't look like we've talked about what else you have going on in your life.  When we are separated from someone even if temporarily and with some uncertainty, it can be good to re-energize other parts of our life to fill the void.  Do you have friends you can hang out with?  Family you can reconnect with?  Hobbies that have fallen by the wayside?  Re-energizing these other areas does not necessarily mean we're shutting out the relationship forever, but can help us stay balanced as we process things and see if there might be another shot at the relationship.

WW

Is the idea of having her back at this point hopeless?
I'm currently still in school, so i'm trying to focus on that aspect. I have been hanging out with friends and family as much as I can. My anxiety is prohibiting me from doing a lot of things at the moment. I'm just trying to stay as focused as I can. I'm trying to get back to where i was before her, and learning to be happy on my own again. I just can't seem to fill the void where she was no matter what I do. I can't stop thinking about her, what she's doing, why she keeps erasing me from her life more, etc.

[Radcliff]

Is the idea of having her back at this point hopeless?
I'm currently still in school, so i'm trying to focus on that aspect. I have been hanging out with friends and family as much as I can. My anxiety is prohibiting me from doing a lot of things at the moment. I'm just trying to stay as focused as I can. I'm trying to get back to where i was before her, and learning to be happy on my own again. I just can't seem to fill the void where she was no matter what I do. I can't stop thinking about her, what she's doing, why she keeps erasing me from her life more, etc.

It is impossible to predict what will happen.  One way to look at it would be to allow for the possibility but not plan on it.

What you are going through is totally normal.  When we shape our life around a relationship and share nearly every experience with someone, either directly or by talking with them about it later, it is tremendously disorienting to lose that relationship.  There's no quick fix.  It takes time.  Progress is also not steady, sometimes it feels like things get better, then a little worse, then better.  This is all normal.

I know it's tough, but your plan to stay focused and get back to old activities, particularly focusing on school, is a good one.

Is the anxiety something that has been in your life previously, or is it new with the concerns over this relationship?

What are your summer plans?  Do you have off school?  Any jobs or changes of scenery to look forward to?

WW

[whiteknight4152]

Is the anxiety something that has been in your life previously, or is it new with the concerns over this relationship?

What are your summer plans?  Do you have off school?  Any jobs or changes of scenery to look forward to?

WW

I dealt with anxiety before meeting her, but has become much worse since the breakup. Summer plans are working and focusing on the gym! Hopefully it will keep me busy enough to where I’m not having anxiety attacks or thinking about her constantly. I’m probably at my lowest point at the moment, and I know I couldn’t be in a healthy relationship right now. I just want to get myself back to the point to where if she does come back, or someone else comes along, I’ll be able to be the partner that I was when I was with her.

[Radcliff]

I know I couldn’t be in a healthy relationship right now. I just want to get myself back to the point to where if she does come back, or someone else comes along, I’ll be able to be the partner that I was when I was with her.

Don't worry, you've got time.  I know when you're still in school, it seems like life is measured in months and you feel like you need to pop back up and be good as new in a few weeks.  For us folk who've been out of school for a while and measure time in years or decades, it feels to us like you've got all the time in the world!  Give yourself some time to heal.  No rush.

Have you had help for the anxiety?  Do you have self-soothing techniques for bad bouts of it?  Are there tried and true methods that you can use over time to keep things going better?

WW

[whiteknight4152]

Don't worry, you've got time.  I know when you're still in school, it seems like life is measured in months and you feel like you need to pop back up and be good as new in a few weeks.  For us folk who've been out of school for a while and measure time in years or decades, it feels to us like you've got all the time in the world!  Give yourself some time to heal.  No rush.

Have you had help for the anxiety?  Do you have self-soothing techniques for bad bouts of it?  Are there tried and true methods that you can use over time to keep things going better?

WW

Yes, i had to go to the doctor last week to get on medication because my attacks were happening very frequently and were crippling. I'm trying to focus on myself more and breath, take more walks, and focus on the gym. It's tough to think this whole time i'm torn to pieces my ex is in love again and is portraying herself as happy as ever. I just don't understand. Why would someone who meant everything to me, go to such great lengths to erase me from her life? then make me out to be the bad guy to justify her actions getting back with her ex. It hurts. She's all i think about.

[Radcliff]

Yes, i had to go to the doctor last week to get on medication because my attacks were happening very frequently and were crippling. I'm trying to focus on myself more and breath, take more walks, and focus on the gym.

I'm glad to hear you're getting a doctor's help, and are also exercising.  That's good 

It's tough to think this whole time i'm torn to pieces my ex is in love again and is portraying herself as happy as ever. I just don't understand. Why would someone who meant everything to me, go to such great lengths to erase me from her life? then make me out to be the bad guy to justify her actions getting back with her ex. It hurts. She's all i think about.

Remember, she is playing by an entirely different set of rules than us "nons."  With a non-BPD girlfriend, the relationship likely wouldn't have gotten so intense so quickly, and she likely would now be saying something more mild like "we started a little fast, maybe we should date around" and she also wouldn't have gotten back together with her ex so intensely and so quickly.  Our brains need things to make sense.  If they don't, it makes our brains hurt!  If we try to interpret BPD behavior using our "non" rules, it hurts!  Think about the idea of a "BPD translator."  What you feel like she is saying to you is "you are horrible, I wish we'd never happened, I'm deleting you and am totally in love with my awesome ex."  What she is actually saying in your language is, "wow, that got intense pretty fast.  I need a little space and might want to see other people for a bit."

Tell us a little bit about the anxiety.  This may sound like a silly question, but are you able to tell what you're anxious about?  What the root of it is?  What feelings about the situation or yourself are making you anxious?  It's not surprising that you are anxious, but there are a number of potential reasons.  It's a personal thing.  Figuring out the root of it is the key to making it better.

WW

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[whiteknight4152]

Tell us a little bit about the anxiety.  This may sound like a silly question, but are you able to tell what you're anxious about?  What the root of it is?  What feelings about the situation or yourself are making you anxious?  It's not surprising that you are anxious, but there are a number of potential reasons.  It's a personal thing.  Figuring out the root of it is the key to making it better.

WW

I had the anxiety before meeting her but I just tolerated it and kept it under control. When she left me, she said so many things that just tore me to piceces, when I knew they weren’t true, she was just trying to push me farther away. Then I started doubting myself and that I wasn’t enough for her, to where she had to go back to her ex who treated her poorly. She went from loving me deeply to splitting me black for only trying to love her the way she was meant to be. Now every time something reminds me of her, my heart just begins to race and I just get these anxious feelings. I start overthinking everything she is doing and has said to me and what I could’ve done differently to prevent this. If I had known more about BPD in the first place, I could’ve reacted differently. I start to think that I’ll never find what I found in her.

[randomuser94]

If I had known more about BPD in the first place, I could’ve reacted differently.

Well, I've found earlier about BPD. The best thing you can do is wait for to cycle to start and end and be strong enough to survive the things that come along with it. I was too scarred to accept another cycle and I've decided it's time to act, so I did my best to talk to her, explain to her why she has those mixed emotions, harsh reactions and feelings of emptiness. It just made thing worse in my case.
  Yes, you can better understand why she does certain things, but you will still be hurt by her actions. A lot actually. 

I start to think that I’ll never find what I found in her.

She was a mirror of yourself,your feelings, your aspirations. You saw yourself in her, she was just coping your image. It was a pretty illusion.
  If you liked what you say this much it means that you should love yourself more. You got the chance to see from different perspective how awesome you are.

[Radcliff]

I had the anxiety before meeting her but I just tolerated it and kept it under control.

What were some of your successful methods for keeping it under control?  What helps you with anxiety?

When she left me, she said so many things that just tore me to piceces, when I knew they weren’t true, she was just trying to push me farther away. Then I started doubting myself and that I wasn’t enough for her, to where she had to go back to her ex who treated her poorly. She went from loving me deeply to splitting me black for only trying to love her the way she was meant to be.

OK, this is important.  You are early in your "relationship career."  Still getting your feet under you, still trying to figure out who you are, what your strengths and weaknesses are, etc.  We learn from each relationship, and each person we are in a relationship with is a mirror that gives us a more complete image of who we are.  You happen to have fallen for someone with an emotional disability.  The mirror is warped, like one of those "fun house" mirrors where you appear strangely fat, skinny, tall, or short.

Do not look at your relationship with her as a reliable source of info about yourself and your value in a relationship.  Focus on keeping yourself healthy, having a good relationship with yourself, and on growing your successful relationships with classmates and other friends.

Now every time something reminds me of her, my heart just begins to race and I just get these anxious feelings.

This is totally natural.  Same thing happened to me when I broke up with a BPD girlfriend when I was your age.  I walked around campus and it seemed like every few minutes something made me think of her, or I wanted to share a thought with her.  It was unbearable.  Expect it, but work on filling the void with other sources of support and activities.  Give it time.

One way to interrupt runaway thoughts is a simple breathing exercise.  Inhale slowly for a count of five.  Hold your breath for a count of six.  Then exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of seven.  That will interrupt the thoughts, giving you time to get involved in another activity to distract you if necessary, or you can start meditating.

I start overthinking everything she is doing and has said to me and what I could’ve done differently to prevent this. If I had known more about BPD in the first place, I could’ve reacted differently.

You are being way too hard on yourself.  Folks with more life experience than you take years to get good at coping with BPD relationships.  Saying you should have or could have saved this is like saying you should be able to compete as an Olympic snowboarder with a couple of months of training.

As for what she is doing now, try to refocus your thoughts on what you are doing now.  Create satisfaction with a world you can control.  Clean your room, read a book, study, whatever things give you a sense of accomplishment, however small.

I start to think that I’ll never find what I found in her.

It is absolutely natural to think this.  You will never find exactly what you had with her.  That was unique.  Can you find a wonderful mate, someone to enjoy life with?  I believe you can!

WW