How much "soothing" does he need? Or has it now become a habit?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi All,

Not on the boards much anymore. But I do like to check in from time to time to see how folks are doing.

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago about my exBPDbf.  We've been No Contact now for well over two years. However, in the thread I talked about how he had started watching several of my FB videos. Well, we've reached six weeks and he's still at it. On average - he hits them between ten and twelve times a day. One session early in the morning. Then one in the early evening. Watches each of them. Sometimes more than once per session.

Yes, I know it's him. Had it confirmed. So - how long does he need to continue to "self-soothe"? Or has this just become a habit now? I don't expect contact. I'm just curious why this behavior continues. I can't imagine what he's getting out of it. I don't mind that he's watching the videos - but come on - they're not that entertaining! 

I'm thinking perhaps he'll soon tire of it and find a new "hobby". But geez - six weeks now?

Your thoughts? Anyone have a similar experience? Is this one of the ways they keep their "connection" to us? Hiding in the bushes, so to speak?

Thanks as always!   

[lipstick]

Hi All,

Not on the boards much anymore. But I do like to check in from time to time to see how folks are doing.

I started a thread a couple of weeks ago about my exBPDbf.  We've been No Contact now for well over two years. However, in the thread I talked about how he had started watching several of my FB videos. Well, we've reached six weeks and he's still at it. On average - he hits them between ten and twelve times a day. One session early in the morning. Then one in the early evening. Watches each of them. Sometimes more than once per session.

Yes, I know it's him. Had it confirmed. So - how long does he need to continue to "self-soothe"? Or has this just become a habit now? I don't expect contact. I'm just curious why this behavior continues. I can't imagine what he's getting out of it. I don't mind that he's watching the videos - but come on - they're not that entertaining! 

I'm thinking perhaps he'll soon tire of it and find a new "hobby". But geez - six weeks now?

Your thoughts? Anyone have a similar experience? Is this one of the ways they keep their "connection" to us? Hiding in the bushes, so to speak?

Thanks as always!   

[once removed]

hi lipstick,

"Is this one of the ways they keep their "connection" to us?"

i think that about explains it. i suspect having an unstable sense of self would mean having an unstable sense of you, or even "you" with regard to how you relate to him, and some level of squaring that.

[apollotech]

Hi lipstick,

I believe that you're right on point, that is his way of maintaining the attachment. A very sad way of maintaining said attachment for all involved, but, in the end, they reap what they sow. I have read other accounts of this very same phenomenon. Everytime I gave my BPDexgf jewelry as a gift she always said that whenever she wore it she'd think of me. Nothing wrong with that, sounds completely normal. But for her, I believe when she said that it took on a whole new meaning. That jewelry was representative of me when I wasn't there. That jewelry represented me in the attachment. Instead of "us" they have video clips and jewelry, poor substitutes for true relationships with real people. Sad for all.

You might want to consider putting some new material out there for him. (I am not sure if I am joking or not about that.) I just bought the materials to build my BPDexgf three birdhouses. When I complete them, I'll ship them to her anonymously. I suspect she'll know who sent them. It's something that I want to do for her, so I have chosen to do it.

[lipstick]

Hi lipstick,

I believe that you're right on point, that is his way of maintaining the attachment. A very sad way of maintaining said attachment for all involved, but, in the end, they reap what they sow. I have read other accounts of this very same phenomenon. Everytime I gave my BPDexgf jewelry as a gift she always said that whenever she wore it she'd think of me. Nothing wrong with that, sounds completely normal. But for her, I believe when she said that it took on a whole new meaning. That jewelry was representative of me when I wasn't there. That jewelry represented me in the attachment. Instead of "us" they have video clips and jewelry, poor substitutes for true relationships with real people. Sad for all.

You might want to consider putting some new material out there for him. (I am not sure if I am joking or not about that.) I just bought the materials to build my BPDexgf three birdhouses. When I complete them, I'll ship them to her anonymously. I suspect she'll know who sent them. It's something that I want to do for her, so I have chosen to do it.

Hi apollotech,

The gift of the three birdhouses is a very nice thing to do.  I'm sure she'll appreciate the gesture. My ex treasures the few things that he has left from our relationship. One of the items he uses daily and I'm told no one is to use it besides him or look out! 

I recently made a new video for a friend of mine. Her son asked for something specific and I obliged. The ex was all over it like a rabid raccoon in a garbage can!  I did actually edit one of the posts for the video he seems particularly fond of. A very gentle greeting to him using his first and middle name. Will this scare him off? Maybe. Maybe not. Either way is fine. I'm trying to let him know that it's okay to come out of the shadows. I don't have feelings for him in "that way" any longer - but if he wants to be on the Facebook "friend" level - I'm okay with that. I just don't think he has the courage. Way too much shame over what he did to me.

We'll see if I freaked him out with my message. I'll check back in later.   

[lipstick]

So - guess I didn't freak him out. He's still watching. The "self-soothing" continues... .

Have a great weekend everyone! And for those that celebrate - Happy Easter !     

[raisins3142]

If this is an ongoing thing with you and making you think of him and bothering you, you can always take those videos down or change the privacy settings so that only a selected few people can see them.

Why are you keeping them up and tallying up how many views he gets?

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, we've reached six weeks and he's still at it. On average - he hits them between ten and twelve times a day. One session early in the morning. Then one in the early evening. Watches each of them. Sometimes more than once per session.

I can't imagine what he's getting out of it. I don't mind that he's watching the videos - but come on - they're not that entertaining!  

Just think lipstick, since the vids don't seem long and you say they're not that entertaining, what if he's 'augmented' them in his head, so now they're feature-length and Oscar-worthy?  Ok, pegged the creep meter, but still... .

I agree with raisins though, in that if you're starting to communicate with him through vids, where does that go?  At the least it keeps him in your head, and if you're strong enough now and don't care, no worries, although something to think about.

Your thoughts? Anyone have a similar experience? Is this one of the ways they keep their "connection" to us? Hiding in the bushes, so to speak?

I'd say it's a way to keep an attachment alive, but in my case I don't know.  I have stuff all over Facebook, YouTube and Vimeo and all of it's public, and it was really important to not block her on anything after I left because screw her, I was taking my power back and she no longer got to influence my life, but not a peep anywhere.  Interesting too, she communicated with me mostly by text in the relationship, her iPhone being her little hand-held attachment machine she could carry around all day, and boy did that thing get a workout, but as soon as I left her the texts stopped immediately, although the phone calls and emails continued.  And as is common, the real her didn't even remotely resemble the text-persona her; I liked the text one much better.  So there are a bunch of vids showing places we went together, shot after I left her, and if she gets a buzz from them, so be it, as long as I don't hear about it.  Take care of you!