Parent Teacher Conference

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Our son is in first grade.  The normal schedule for conferences is in early December, near the end of the first trimester.  His mom contacted the teacher for an early meeting. 

In the sense of getting an idea of how things are run in the class it was valuable to me.  All else was basically mollifying his mother's concerns.  He's at grade level in reading,  and is very smart in math.  His mom has always said he's a genius  (both kids,  actually,  which is statistically unlikely). She wanted him to skip kindergarten.  On the first day of preschool,  she talked about skipping then D3.5 into pre-K. Didn't happen.  I would have blocked it if she had tried (and I'm pretty sure it would have been impossible,  because of her birth date and state law on when kids can start kindergarten.  I started at 4. That isn't allowed now. 

S6 has had some minor social issues,  but nothing extreme. His mom keeps being focused on that.  The teacher talked about a couple of incidents,  but it sounded like she handled them well. My ex brought up the fact that we are having him evaluated for ASD (autism). The teacher told us that though she wasn't an expert,  if he was diagnosed,  she would do everything she could to work with a 504 plan.  Keep in mind that he's reading at grade level,  and several times she commented he was very smart in math.  He is even part of an advanced group she works with twice a week. 

Towards the end,  I said,  "you've been doing this a while.  Do you think S6 might be autistic?" She then described a few students she'd had who were,  and her descriptions were in line with that: kids who shut down due to external stimuli and kids who wouldn't look you in the eye.  Her personal impression of him is that he over thinks things,  is a perfectionist, and sometimes gets upset when things aren't just "so." Congratulations: she just described a future engineer.  He loves building things,  too.

As an aside,  we bought a door mounted speed bag for kids this past weekend.  I left the box lying around,  my priority not to assemble it.  That night, I walked into the room,  and he had opened the box,  assembling it.  He was reading the directions and the only time he asked for help was putting some screws in (these were hard for me,  too) because his hand was tired. He even corrected me on one assembly point, referring back to the directions by memory.  I have a good memory of my childhood,  but I'd never have done something like this in first grade.  He's a smart cookie. 

When I pulled up to the school earlier,  she saw me and stopped me to help her write questions. Afterwards,  she said,  "you didn't have any questions."

On the way out of the classroom, my ex admitted that she wanted to transfer him.  The teacher said she loved having him in the class.  My ex said that she felt better after the meeting,  and admitted that she learned some things,  like the principal telling her last year not to talk directly to the mother of the kid who was bullying S6, at least not on school grounds.  I witnessed a validation fest between my ex and the teacher tonight,  validating the "momma bear" mentality.  My ex left out the part where she threatened the other mother with a lawyer. Funny how that fact was left out. I was right there.  I heard it,  and didn't blame the mom at all for going to the principal about my ex. 

All in all,  this wasn't a bad meeting.  My ex's anxiety seemed soothed.  I'm not at the point of playing "triangulate the teacher, " but I certainly felt like saying that the school transfer and the autism diagnosis were all her,  not me. 

[Turkish]

Our son is in first grade.  The normal schedule for conferences is in early December, near the end of the first trimester.  His mom contacted the teacher for an early meeting. 

In the sense of getting an idea of how things are run in the class it was valuable to me.  All else was basically mollifying his mother's concerns.  He's at grade level in reading,  and is very smart in math.  His mom has always said he's a genius  (both kids,  actually,  which is statistically unlikely). She wanted him to skip kindergarten.  On the first day of preschool,  she talked about skipping then D3.5 into pre-K. Didn't happen.  I would have blocked it if she had tried (and I'm pretty sure it would have been impossible,  because of her birth date and state law on when kids can start kindergarten.  I started at 4. That isn't allowed now. 

S6 has had some minor social issues,  but nothing extreme. His mom keeps being focused on that.  The teacher talked about a couple of incidents,  but it sounded like she handled them well. My ex brought up the fact that we are having him evaluated for ASD (autism). The teacher told us that though she wasn't an expert,  if he was diagnosed,  she would do everything she could to work with a 504 plan.  Keep in mind that he's reading at grade level,  and several times she commented he was very smart in math.  He is even part of an advanced group she works with twice a week. 

Towards the end,  I said,  "you've been doing this a while.  Do you think S6 might be autistic?" She then described a few students she'd had who were,  and her descriptions were in line with that: kids who shut down due to external stimuli and kids who wouldn't look you in the eye.  Her personal impression of him is that he over thinks things,  is a perfectionist, and sometimes gets upset when things aren't just "so." Congratulations: she just described a future engineer.  He loves building things,  too.

As an aside,  we bought a door mounted speed bag for kids this past weekend.  I left the box lying around,  my priority not to assemble it.  That night, I walked into the room,  and he had opened the box,  assembling it.  He was reading the directions and the only time he asked for help was putting some screws in (these were hard for me,  too) because his hand was tired. He even corrected me on one assembly point, referring back to the directions by memory.  I have a good memory of my childhood,  but I'd never have done something like this in first grade.  He's a smart cookie. 

When I pulled up to the school earlier,  she saw me and stopped me to help her write questions. Afterwards,  she said,  "you didn't have any questions."

On the way out of the classroom, my ex admitted that she wanted to transfer him.  The teacher said she loved having him in the class.  My ex said that she felt better after the meeting,  and admitted that she learned some things,  like the principal telling her last year not to talk directly to the mother of the kid who was bullying S6, at least not on school grounds.  I witnessed a validation fest between my ex and the teacher tonight,  validating the "momma bear" mentality.  My ex left out the part where she threatened the other mother with a lawyer. Funny how that fact was left out. I was right there.  I heard it,  and didn't blame the mom at all for going to the principal about my ex. 

All in all,  this wasn't a bad meeting.  My ex's anxiety seemed soothed.  I'm not at the point of playing "triangulate the teacher, " but I certainly felt like saying that the school transfer and the autism diagnosis were all her,  not me. 

[david]

My ex is the same way. She insisted our youngest had a learning disability and had him tested in kindergarten. The results were ambiguous since they were designed for older kids. However, she convinced the school to give him an IEP. I was over ruled by everyone at the time. In second grade he had a teacher that questioned why he had an IEP. I let it all out there for everyone to see in a pleasant manner. I had him retested and he was put in the accelerated program. From that point on the school listened to me more.
I have separate conferences because nothing productive happens when we are both there. If I said something ex tried to one up me ? If I said nothing the meeting was a waste of time.  I tried for three years before I insisted on separate meetings. The school reluctantly agreed. After the first meeting they never had a problem with separate meetings.

[david]

I think BPD needs something to absolve them of any wrong doing so they need a diagnosis to remove them from the blame. That is in their mind only, of course.

[Turkish]

She has some credibility because of her work. She told the teacher that she works with young adults with disabilities and that if they had gotten help early, things would have been better for them.

What I really want to say is, "How come everybody close to you end up being sent to a therapist? Me, the kids, now your husband... .Who's the common denominator?"

Based upon last years incident, I think she may have kind of outed herself. I'm keeping a very close eye on this.

Regarding your situation, too, I wonder how much of it may be the mentality like "something's wrong with my kid, I'm going to rescue him in order to feel better about myself."

[ForeverDad]

My Ex refused to attend the same PT session, she had to have her own separate, not even end to end appointments.  Once he got older and I got custody, not sure which was the bigger factor, she hasn't been involved, says now it's my problem.  Oh well.

[Sluggo]

If it was up to my ex... .we would have 5 of our 7 kids our special needs.  At least that is what she tells people.  In reality we only have 2 physically disabled kids (wheelchairs). 

[david]

Next week is parent teacher meetings in our school district. I made an appointment weeks ago when it was officially announced. Ex sent me an email the other day asking if she could attend the meeting I made. I said I didn't think it was a good idea. Of course, she didn't like that and replied with a slight dig and also an attempt to guilt me since if we went together we would be on the same page. The only problem I have with our youngest is him not doing his homework when he is at his moms. He does everything when he is with me. That is what I will be discussing with his teachers. No reason to have ex there.

[Panda39]

"... .like the principal telling her last year not to talk directly to the mother of the kid who was bullying S6, at least not on school grounds."

At least your ex wants to duke it out with the parents of the kid, my SO's uBPDxw actually got into a verbal argument with a 13 year old kid! (Not sure why I was surprised the ex has the maturity of a 15 year old  )

My SO's ex pulled their older daughter out of school to home school her and do school on-line at her house back when she had primary custody.  Surprise! their daughter did nothing, mom made her do nothing, dad was unable to get either of them to do anything so their daughter failed her freshman year of High School.  Mom thought that daughter(now 20 - who is very smart, does very well in school and is on track to graduate college early) should have a 504 Plan just as an excuse for the blown year... .needless to say the 504 never happened.

Turkish it sounds like you've got a smart kid on your hands if not an engineer maybe another Tommy Silva from "This Old House" that can build and fix anything!

Panda39

[takingandsending]

Turkish,

I commend you on not jumping in when perhaps you really wanted to. I was at a PT conference for my S5 with uSTBxBPDw, and son's teacher was describing how ahead of his age he is at stepping into conflicts among his peers and trying to help them. My wife enthused about how "sensitive" son is and how often he says just the right thing to help her feel better. I was fighting back tears thinking of my poor son having been put into the role of care taking his mom at 5 years old. Thankfully, his teacher validated my wife and also expressed her concern that he not take on this role too often. She did a great SET, really. I readily agreed that we, as parents, need to help our children not feel they have to bear the burden of righting our world, that in fact, it is the other way around.

For now, I am just trying to have my S5 and S11's back, emotion coach them as often as I can, validate their experience and start to create a home for them separate from my uSTBxBPDw without making her wrong. She is who she is, and she is still their mom, love and harm together, inextricable.

[david]

Just to let everyone here know what happened. Ex did not show up at the parent teacher conference. She also never made an appointment for herself even though there were slots still open.
Basically the teachers said he was not doing his homework. I showed them a calendar with his homework and time with mom and dad. I explained that this has been an ongoing situation and that me getting involved with discussing this with his mom would be fruitless.
I emailed ex to tell her some things that were discussed. I suggested she get a tutor (she did that a few years ago and it worked) like she did in the past. She replied that she thought it was a good idea but she couldn't afford it. She asked if I was willing to help. I agreed to help by tutoring our son every Tuesday (her custodial time) for free. I am a school teacher so it isn't that far fetched. She did not reply as I suspected. I should have simply said I would take care of it and pick him up on Tuesday without saying I would be the tutor. This way, if she agreed in an email, she could not do much about it. Our court order states that all agreements in an email are considered part of the order and can only be changed by another email agreement or going back to court.

[Turkish]

Interesting this thread was resurrected since we had the first trimester conference last week. He's meeting or excelling at grade level. The teacher does notice that he has trouble switching activities sometimes, and she said more about him loving non-fiction/facts. He can watch a Nat Geo special on Youtube, say, and tell you all about whatever animal or subject it was on, and pretty much retain it. He does tend to obsess sometimes. At the end, I asked the teacher, "do you think he needs a 504 plan or anything like that?" She shook her head no, not at all, but then added that if he was diagnosed to share it with her and she would let her principal know and she would work with him. Of course she had to say that. One interesting thing was when my ex asked if our son had mentioned any problems at home. The teacher said no, turning to look at me.

Today was the ASD evaluation, the better part of the day. S6 was getting evaluated, and mom and I were getting interviewed. At one point, we got to watch him interact with another doctor from behind a one way mirror. I knew I should have coached him to make eye contact more, because that went against him. FWIW- when we went to get a very early dinner afterwards, I had S6 speak Spanish to the clerk at the food court vendor, and he did very well, made eye contact, thanked her and she was charmed. I only wish he had acted like that during the testing.

Long story short, they diagnosed him with Level 1 ASD "what used to be called Asperger's." I was actually kind of pissed, because if their mom, say, were tested at that age, she'd definitely be diagnosed. She didn't even talk until age 5, for example, and was angry from a very young age.

I guess the good thing is that while we have health insurance, this Dx opens up services for us. The Doc asked if we wanted a blood draw for genetic testing to see if there were any markers which might explain it "Broken X Syndrome" was one, which I haven't had time yet to look up. They will also contact us to have someone come to our homes to spend time with us as a family to give us tips on how to accommodate him. I actually don't have problems except for occasionally triggering him, and his tantrums don't last more than half an hour before he's back to baseline, He's gotten much better and I've approached it differently than I do his little sister.

They also gave him an intelligence test and said that on the portion which has to do with visual and spatial relations (I forget what it was called exactly) that he scored within the top 1% of the population. In the words of the Doc, "He'll have a great career here in The Valley." Silicon Valley, that is. I already knew that. I had gone over how good he was with reading directions on his own, building things, interested in robots and the like. This wasn't too much of a surprise. I guess with this data point, I can investigate GATE options at school. It depends upon how the whole IQ test came out. We should get the report within a couple of weeks. In the robotics camp we had him in last summer, there was only one other kid in his age cohort who "got it" (the lego robot model building), and the other kids were directed into simpler games.

[david]

Early testing has its' positive and negative points. Catching something early is great so it can be addressed asap. However, diagnosing and pigeonholing a child concerns me. Our youngest was given an IEP in kindergarten. The results of all the tests were inconclusive but my ex insisted he had an issue. His mom was the reason for him being tested.
 His teacher in second grade, she also saw him in kindergarten, contacted me and said that he wasn't the same boy she saw in kindergarten. I had the school retest him and he was placed in their accelerated program. He is doing fine and in middle school now. His mom raised a slight ruckus when they decided to put him in the program. I had already had discussions with the school and told them what would happen and how to handle his mom. I "stayed out" of all decision making and the school handled ex.