HI Bobsgirlz
I'm glad you came here to share with us. Like Bluek9 mentions, there's a lot to contend with when our children are behaving in a destructive way that causes so much concern and grief, we are all hearing you and you are definitely not alone there.
I can completely understand you and your husband wanting to look forward to your retirement without feeling like it will be derailed by your daughter, and this is perfectly ok.
Her dad , my husband is fed up so bad we have been used and abused and he is done ,
I can so relate to this, before my husband and I were cut off by my DD27, I was wrung out with how much I gave to her and my GD1. When I tried to claw back a little of my life, the abuse started and we've been cut off. I felt exactly the same; used, abused and discarded. It is extremely hurtful.
I think as bluek9 mentions, it doesn't have to be one or the other, it's about loving her but how you engage moving forward by changing how you relate to her, allowing her to take responsibility, setting some boundaries about what you will and wont accept, and taking care to make sure that you and your husband are looking after each other.
It's very small steps of change, as I am learning here. Have you been able to avail yourself to the information on the right
Take care of yourself and keep sharing with us.
Merlot