She is in a "gray" area.

[itgirl]

Hi,

My gf is currently in a grey area.  She says her head says she must leave but her heart says to stay.     About two weeks ago she was triggered by an event that happened between her dad and her on holiday (I suspect).  After that I have been the dumping ground.  She has no real reason for leaving except that she feels empty and that I am the reason for it.  Blaming me.

She wants to move out but isn’t actively looking and still she does couple things.  So her actions and words do not match.  I am annoyed that we are living as a couple but we are not officially a couple and we are just in limbo. 

My T told me yesterday to call her bluff.   To tell her either we are working together towards a relationship or I will move out.    I was hesitant to say that after appointment and wanted to only address that today.  However last night she brought something up regarding an event we both were invited to.  The opportunity presented itself and I told her that.  I said:

If we are not working towards a relationship I feel I need to move out as its too painful to live in same house never mind sleep in the same bed.    It was a civil conversation where she stated she loves me but her head says we can’t work.  Last night she said I must not move out before weekend.  After much discussion she still didn’t give me an YES/NO answer so we went to bed.

This AM she let me know she made an T appointment for herself.  That rarely happens so good sign. 

Now I am torn between following through with my boundary or sticking it out and see what happens while I live at home.   What to do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

If you don't stick to a boundary it sets a precedent that they don't mean anything.

pwBPD are very good at fudging around them and moveing them back just a tiny bit, then just a tiny bit more

Hence be very selective about setting them. Along with what your definition of pass/fail are, and what your action will be in case it is transgressed.

What to do? Set a date whereby you need a decision, don't hold out for magic answers to be provided by T or any other source down the track... It is just putting it off. There will always be pending issues.

[jhkbuzz]

Hi,

My gf is currently in a grey area.  She says her head says she must leave but her heart says to stay.     About two weeks ago she was triggered by an event that happened between her dad and her on holiday (I suspect).  After that I have been the dumping ground.  She has no real reason for leaving except that she feels empty and that I am the reason for it.  Blaming me.

She wants to move out but isn’t actively looking and still she does couple things.  So her actions and words do not match.  I am annoyed that we are living as a couple but we are not officially a couple and we are just in limbo.  

My T told me yesterday to call her bluff.   To tell her either we are working together towards a relationship or I will move out.    I was hesitant to say that after appointment and wanted to only address that today.  However last night she brought something up regarding an event we both were invited to.  The opportunity presented itself and I told her that.  I said:

If we are not working towards a relationship I feel I need to move out as its too painful to live in same house never mind sleep in the same bed.    It was a civil conversation where she stated she loves me but her head says we can’t work.  Last night she said I must not move out before weekend.  After much discussion she still didn’t give me an YES/NO answer so we went to bed.

This AM she let me know she made an T appointment for herself.  That rarely happens so good sign.  

Now I am torn between following through with my boundary or sticking it out and see what happens while I live at home.   What to do?

I had the "we're in an unhealthy gray area" conversation with my gf several months before we broke up.  I had been unhappy in our r/s for a long time. When I look back on it, the strangest part was that I was waiting for HER to make a decision about our r/s. I am normally pretty decisive but I couldn't seem to decide to leave.

I think this is because I spent so much time attending to her needs that I stopped paying attention to my own.

[itgirl]

Hi- just an update.

I did give her a date that I need an answer by.  She said no she doesn't want to work on our relationship.  That in her head she knows we are over but her heart must still catch up.  I said OK that I will move out after the weekend as she is with her parents and I am looking after the dogs.

When she came home I had moved some clothes for two days and I am staying by my mother.  She was livid to come home to an empty house.  She says I did that to hurt her.  I am however not concerned about her anger right now.  I am trying to just stick to my decision and convincing myself its the right one.

Feeling pretty low today.  She is still very angry but after three recycles in the past I have to change something. 

[sweetheart]

itgirl well done in keeping your boundary, I imagine it was difficult for you given this is not what you want. I'm not surprised you are feeling low.

I love that you are paying attention to you and your well being and not taking on board your gf's anger and accusations. Good for you

Recycling sounds hard and the only person that can change that dynamic is you.

Take care of yourself.