I walked out and said Good Bye tonight.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Have been agonizing about wanting to end this. Have been anxious and stressed to the hilt. Tonight I was at her apt and I was headed out in 0 degree weather to get her a slurpee and garbage bags. Before I leave, I told her I have a banquet I have to go to on sat and she went ballistic!  "You didn't ask me", "what if I went to a banquet without you" (and she has), I told her I would kiss her a__ like I always do. That felt good. She was going off. I said Goodbye! I walked out the door and called a friend thats been listening to me for the past 2 years destroy myself and I said I have to start my life today. He is justified in his skepticism and I am too, but I want to be done with this. I have felt no joy in 2 years and have not been able to just stop it. There are many that have helped me and especially in the past few weeks. I need the help now more than ever and I needed it bad before now. I want to stay away, NC!. There is her 5 yr old boy who calls me daddy and she will try to crush me with it. I don't want him feeling abandon, but I just can't be sucked in and continue that nightmare. Thank you all. I have no idea where my head would be if I didn't have you who have been through this and know what I'm talking about. To try to explain this to someone that has not been through it, they think I'm kidding them, and so many stories I read on here I could have wrote. I have had HUGE F.O.G and it has been twisting a knife in my back for 2 years. I just want to get on with my life. Thank you for your support in advance

[Consumed]

Have been agonizing about wanting to end this. Have been anxious and stressed to the hilt. Tonight I was at her apt and I was headed out in 0 degree weather to get her a slurpee and garbage bags. Before I leave, I told her I have a banquet I have to go to on sat and she went ballistic!  "You didn't ask me", "what if I went to a banquet without you" (and she has), I told her I would kiss her a__ like I always do. That felt good. She was going off. I said Goodbye! I walked out the door and called a friend thats been listening to me for the past 2 years destroy myself and I said I have to start my life today. He is justified in his skepticism and I am too, but I want to be done with this. I have felt no joy in 2 years and have not been able to just stop it. There are many that have helped me and especially in the past few weeks. I need the help now more than ever and I needed it bad before now. I want to stay away, NC!. There is her 5 yr old boy who calls me daddy and she will try to crush me with it. I don't want him feeling abandon, but I just can't be sucked in and continue that nightmare. Thank you all. I have no idea where my head would be if I didn't have you who have been through this and know what I'm talking about. To try to explain this to someone that has not been through it, they think I'm kidding them, and so many stories I read on here I could have wrote. I have had HUGE F.O.G and it has been twisting a knife in my back for 2 years. I just want to get on with my life. Thank you for your support in advance

[LuckyEscapee]

Congratulations, you have taken the first but hardest step, and you have found the knowledge and support here to help you.

Be kind to yourself, focus on yourself. Make yourself do stuff you like. Spend time with friends. Soon you will be hit by far stronger feelings of a) relief and b) awareness of how easy life is outside of the relationship. It's a revelation, and those feelings will carry you through.

[waitaminute]

Clancy,

Your first sentence was enough to remind me that I left after months of doubt, anxiety, and searching for a way out. Keep those memories. They will help you to maintain your resolve when you start feeling the pull from her.

[pinkpeony]

hi clancygt,

I'm just a few months from what I call the "last time", the "breakup"... .  with BPD it's not so clear if/when/how the relationship ends, so I know just what you mean when you walked out and said goodbye but are not sure what happens next. 

Yesterday I had an awful day thinking about him.  I posted in the morning that I was letting go (again, your emotions are so badgered and torn up, each day is something different!) and then felt miserable the rest of the day.  Not that I want him back, but missing him and the good times that held me there for two years. I want to let go emotionally, it is a process.

Yesterday's winning sobering thought:  When I would wake up and see him, I had to quickly judge his mood by his facial expression.  And IF he smiled... .  then I could smile and say good morning!  That minute was good to go! If he wasn't yelling or silent-treating me, I felt relief, "Yay!  Things are ok!"

My state of mind had become so dependent on his mercurial moods that I was grateful when he was not angry.  I had become used to tentative plans because anything could happen with him and things would change.  I figured if we had a good couple hours a day that was ok with me, our relationship was "good."  I remember driving home each night and anxiously turning the corner on my street and desperately hoping, praying, wishing that his car would be gone, and that he'd moved out.  I was anxious, miserable and terrified to ask him to go because of the destructive things he would say, what he would do to me, my pets, my career (since he'd threatened each of those at different times in the past.) 

This is no way to live.  You cannot save her little son and yes that is going to suck leaving him and hearing her blame you for whatever she comes up with there.  I have twisted this up every which way in my head to figure out how things can be saved, how we can do this, how we can get help, but it's years of wasted time.  I was basically wishing he could just be a different person, because the good times, the amazing sex, the happy moments were just a part of him and uglycrazydestructivemeanguy was always right there to follow up anything good we had.   

I can now answer my phone when it rings.  I can now stop at the mall on the way home.  I can now wear my hair differently and not be accused of sleeping around.  I can now hug my dogs without having to give him equal hug time.  I can now go to lunch with a girlfriend.  I can do lots of things that I was fearful of doing when I was with him.  I'm not apprehensive all the time and that is worth a million.

Hang in there, you can do this! 

pink

[hithere]

It sounds like you made a really good decision, now that hard part, sticking to it.  Try and stay no contact and fight through any pain and guilt you feel.  You can not save her, nor her child, only yourself.  I wasted 3 years of my life with my exBPD and I even moved out and back in... .  I regret all the time I wasted - stay busy and spend time with friends and family to help you stay no contact.

[Consumed]

I am having a trying morning. All your words are so comforting. I think I am going to needs these healing words for quite a long time. Pinkpeony: this statement you gave is exactly the way it have been happening. (quote) "Yesterday's winning sobering thought:  When I would wake up and see him, I had to quickly judge his mood by his facial expression.  And IF he smiled... .  then I could smile and say good morning!  That minute was good to go! If he wasn't yelling or silent-treating me, I felt relief, "Yay!  Things are ok!" )... .  I feel I have to monitor everyminute and every word that comes out of my mouth to have some type of (false) prediction on how she is feeling or how she is going to react to her day and to me. I feel a sense of a little calmness today. My blood pressure was down (yesterday I made an appointment for this morning with my doctor). It has been through the roof for the past few weeks. I really want to have no contact, I don't want to cave this time. I know what has needed to happen for a year and a half and I have beat myself down for not doing it. When I started this r/s 2 years ago. I was confident, easy-going, active, and social. I have cut everyone out of my life and have been ashamed and feel very isolated. And this was supposed to be called love? I have a lot of work to do on myself. For me not not take care of myself when I realize how bad this was for my health and life, and not get out of it shows me I have some severe things going on (anyone say co-dependent to the n'th degree). Knowing there are people that have been through this is amazing. You are all saving my life. Thank you.

[joanlee]

Thank God for my Al-anon group. Don't know where I'd be without them today. When I left my husband (in a huge fight, with him screaming at me and calling me a liar), I never went back. He always threw around the 'divorce' word throughout our 36-year marriage. I only said that word once on the day I left. I was a gypsy for two weeks before I finally found a place to live. I cried for months afterward. He sent me the most psychotic emails ever, and the family had to call 911 one night when went on a 4-day binger and threatened to shoot himself. Wandering around the house naked with a gun. I can't believe this is the person I married. I have had a hard time with this the past year and a half, but I'm finding comfort knowing he has an actual disorder. I can actually put a finger on what was wrong all those years. A friend of mine in my group kept saying to me, "Remember the facts"... .  any time I would try to relive the past. I knew the man I knew was gone. I have to keep remembering the facts, and I can keep my resolve.

Hope this helps Good Luck

[Changed4safety]

I am with Pink, sounds like we had something similiar in our relationships and are also feeling at about the same place.

My revelation last night was that if love alone, or trying harder, or reading books, or anything could have fixed it, it would have been fixed after four and a half years of trying.  Sometimes people bail too early on a relationship, but I know I didn't.  And in the last year, I know my ex did all he could, too.  It simply wasn't going to work, and more trying wasn't going to make it work. 

Clancygt, it does seem like something out of a made-for-TV movie, but it's real, and we know it is.   

[HarmKrakow]

Keep us up to date as we are here to help

[Consumed]

She called once earlier and then sent about 15 or 20 texts. I didn't read them. As I went to erase them all, I saw the last one that said Sorry, I love you. I did not respond or look at any. I was actually a little proud of myself for a few minutes, but I have caved in the past, I don't want to. I know that when I don't respond to her, it drives her out of her head and I don't want NC to play a game, I just want NC. She lives right down the street, but as of 2 weeks ago, she does not work with me anymore. It is a relief during the day, but when I have an hour left of work or so I have been getting extremely anxious knowing I was going to be seeing her within an hour. I'm am a little confused of how to write this stuff; in past tense: I was getting anxious when leaving work... .  or present tense: I have been or I am getting anxious when leaving work. Not sure if one would be more therapeutic than the other. Anyway, I always have fridays off and she will be getting out of work in about an hour. I am going to get out of the house and go do something. Thanks for all your help, I really need it. I have been a sad case. I will have my phone and can read these on there.

[Consumed]

It just turned into a very difficult night. I am thinking of her going to bed alone tonight. I'm thinking what was on the text messeges I erased earlier today. My head just took a weird turn. I just became flush and scared. This is the only life I have known for the past 2 years, I was in it deep and now it's gone. I was hated and needed. A huge feeling of lonliness just hit me in the head. I don't like this feeling. This is starting to be a white knuckle ride the first night. I came to the computer and started typing this. This is a beautiful woman that I put my heart and soul into and it was stomped on practically every weekend. I know I should be thinking I am free and I have a lot I can look forward to, but I feel left out to dry. She is going to get pissed because i haven't responded to her and she is going to put on her "public" face and start a new life. She just got a nice new job and she'll go on while I'm left in the wake. Wow this sound dramatic, it just feels so bad and confusing.

[Changed4safety]

I think a lot of us here can relate to how you describe your feelings.  It's the push-pull.  Tonight I am missing my ex terribly, he's started dating again, he's young and cute and has already proven through cheating he can draw the girls in effortlessly, and I'm female and 50.  Your revelation crashed in on you suddenly, but it sounds like you had a real moment of clarity.  It would be surprising if you DIDN'T feel this way.  *hugs* to you.  Do you have a friend you can call?

[pinkpeony]

hi clancygt,

I just got home from work and wanted to see how your day went.  I can soo relate to your emotions.  Just an FYI, I was NC since about Thanksgiving and he called last week and I answered the phone, just like that.  I was handling things OK but the thought of missing that call was painful.  As it turns out, it was pointless.  He told me he'd been out on a date, wished he'd never threatened to punch me (didn't say sorry-just wished he hadn't threatened) and he loves me still but overall the conversation was worthless and set me back for a few days. 

White knuckles! For the first month, I did not sleep but 1-2 hours a night.  I agonized and tossed and turned, cried like never before.  I was formerly the center of his world, cooking, planning and taking care of things for him and suddenly I was alone again.  I could hardly function at work, I was a mess.  I had a mserable day just yesterday.  It gets better at a snails pace, but you might be in for a bumpy ride.

I programmed his ringtone and texts as silent, so that even if he attempted contact, I didn't hear it.  I changed the picture to a Black Mamba, so I might recoil when I saw it, .  (Obviously that didn't work so well last week!)

Go easy on yourself; this is what you know, what you are used to.  Part of the difficulty is the change in your everyday routine, most people have trouble with fairly simple changes.  We are more worried thinking of them going to bed alone than ourselves.  And one last thing, to Changed4safety too, I don't feel anywhere near healthy or interested or capable enough to even think about going on any kind of date-but they are ready to start new lives and put on fresh faces, like nothing happened.  Doesn't that sound shallow and sad?

One minute at a time. 

Hugs!

pink

[morningagain]

Hey Clancy,

Hang tough, brother.

I want to thank you for your post.  It touches on the raw feelings I went through.  My wife called me a couple days ago saying she misses me and wants to get back together.  I managed to turn her down.

But now tonight - yeesh - cannot sleep.  I wish i could get her into in-patient therapy, but that would have to be her choice.  Getting back together would hurt everyone i love - again - and I have already done irreparable harm after 8 years of being with her.

I am almost at six months separation.  Been through unfathomable torture.  i deeply hurt everyone i love trying to placate her, make her happy.  i was the doormat and i got stomped on.

THere is no way i can hurt everyone again - and I do not think i could survive another spiral down into that hell - and the breakup hurts 100 times worse.  do it just once, brother - do it with as much dignity as you can hold onto.

if my wife ever asks me to help get her into a BPD treatment center, i will do that.  but reconciliation is off the table.  if she gets healthy?  sure - if she still wants me then.

anyway - just my advice from my own experience.  5 and a half months out, and i am doing 1000 times better than when we split up, but still a thousand times worse than when before we met.  i have a long way to go, but where i am now is a whole lot better than starting over... .  

[HarmKrakow]

Hey Clancy,

Hang tough, brother.

I want to thank you for your post.  It touches on the raw feelings I went through.  My wife called me a couple days ago saying she misses me and wants to get back together.  I managed to turn her down.

But now tonight - yeesh - cannot sleep.  I wish i could get her into in-patient therapy, but that would have to be her choice.  Getting back together would hurt everyone i love - again - and I have already done irreparable harm after 8 years of being with her.

I am almost at six months separation.  Been through unfathomable torture.  i deeply hurt everyone i love trying to placate her, make her happy.  i was the doormat and i got stomped on.

THere is no way i can hurt everyone again - and I do not think i could survive another spiral down into that hell - and the breakup hurts 100 times worse.  do it just once, brother - do it with as much dignity as you can hold onto.

if my wife ever asks me to help get her into a BPD treatment center, i will do that.  but reconciliation is off the table.  if she gets healthy?  sure - if she still wants me then.

anyway - just my advice from my own experience.  5 and a half months out, and i am doing 1000 times better than when we split up, but still a thousand times worse than when before we met.  i have a long way to go, but where i am now is a whole lot better than starting over... .  

Can you not tell her to fix her self for BPD treatment? And when she fixes herself you guys can go for a talk again ?

[morningagain]

"Can you not tell her to fix her self for BPD treatment? And when she fixes herself you guys can go for a talk again?"

--- i would donate my right arm for her to go get serious, expert, in-patient BPD treatment.

i have been mulling over how to bring it up with her.  it is not easy because how defensive she is.  has to be "just the right moment" and said in just the right way.  but i rarely speak with her.  i expect that it will come out wrong, and that she will reject the notion, so i simply hope say it well enough to plant the seed.  one day she might view the idea in a new light.  there is still the problem of will she stick with it?

oh well.

i have no illusions.  i have hope she will someday commit to treatment.  but even if that miracle happens, i do not hold out hope she will then want to be with me.  that would just be foolish of me.  i have let go of our relationship.  i have forgiven her for everything.  now i am still trying to recover myself.  still trying to forgive myself.  still trying to become a productive man again.

[HarmKrakow]

"Can you not tell her to fix her self for BPD treatment? And when she fixes herself you guys can go for a talk again?"

--- i would donate my right arm for her to go get serious, expert, in-patient BPD treatment.

i have been mulling over how to bring it up with her.  it is not easy because how defensive she is.  has to be "just the right moment" and said in just the right way.  but i rarely speak with her.  i expect that it will come out wrong, and that she will reject the notion, so i simply hope say it well enough to plant the seed.  one day she might view the idea in a new light.  there is still the problem of will she stick with it?

oh well.

i have no illusions.  i have hope she will someday commit to treatment.  but even if that miracle happens, i do not hold out hope she will then want to be with me.  that would just be foolish of me.  i have let go of our relationship.  i have forgiven her for everything.  now i am still trying to recover myself.  still trying to forgive myself.  still trying to become a productive man again.

Same here, so 

I would defo give loads to get my gf wBPD in treatment but i've been waiting for the right moment ... (for a very ... very ... long time).

I don't want her out of my life, however, everyone AROUND me, wants her out of my life ( ).

[Consumed]

She pounded at the door at 7:45 this morning for ten minutes. I did not answer the door. She got in my vehicle and found my spare house key and came in and upstairs to the bedroom. She also brought her son, "Hi daddy, I miss you". I didn't answer any of her calls or look at her texts yesterday, so I expected something like this morning. She was plain hysterical, blaming and did not want to hear anything. I wanted to know  one thing, what is she going to do about the anger, that's all I have ever wanted to know. And it's not even for me (in my welcome-mat way). I want her to feel good and be happy. I would like to get a benefit from that of being able to not walk on my tip-toes for the rest of my life, but I want her to be happy 1st. That's a sick statement, I guess I have learned that my happiness does not matter, or I base my happiness on whether she is happy. There were times this morning that I felt I wanted to say "it's ok honey, we'll be ok". It's the same thing all the time. She gets angry and mean, the next day she apologizes and I wait for the next one, which apparently in scheduled "soon". It's hard to let her walk out that door without a resolution. Everything in me wants to fix it by hugging her and saying we'll get through this and that's what I have done for 2 years. She is so masterful at manipulating me. Saying, ok I am going to go work on my anger and be happy and I'll see ya later, "you said it's over", "that's what you want". I think you all know the way she says that. The I feel I have to say, "no, that's not what I want, but". I feel guilty that she brought her boy over and had to hear that stuff. She has no boundries and I feel guilty for it. That is messed up. 

[HarmKrakow]

That is messed up. 

I'm sorry that you have to go through such manipulation!   

So the question on my lips is, what are you going to do about this? Because her showing up on your porch with the son and running in your bedroom is seriously going WAY TO FAR!

[waitaminute]

I really sense your despair Clancy. Please hold on to some hope while you look for a way out. Obviously you could get a retraining order. But I understand that she is using the child to keep you hooked. There must be a solution. Keep hoping and looking for it .

I understand your partial willingness to just be her doormat. We make incredible sacrifices for these people. But if she is true to the form of BPD, it won't be enough to make her happy. And when the doormat is completely worn down, she will leave you... .  Maybe saying that she loves you but ... .  (fill in some lame excuse)

If you want a complete break, the child will have to find another "daddy". If you want to sacrifice your life for the next few years, then maybe you can work out some visitation rights with the child. At least there would be a transition period for the boy. But she would have to be willing.

I know that the general consensus here is to give value to your life as more than a doormat. But people sacrifice their lives every day for less. So there is no dishonor in that choice. Just don't expect a reward for the sacrifice.

[LuckyEscapee]

Pink peony - wow you whizzed me back 18mths with your wise words. I remembered how far I have come, so thank you for that 

Clancy - stay strong good man. You know to your core that this isn't right, and you are indeed strong enough to follow your path. You need to be you, and that's not a lot to ask for

[Consumed]

I broke NC tonight. I texted her back and we got into a dicussion that led nowhere. Im feeling terrible that I responded, terrible. Blaming and justifying her anger. Why did I hit "send". She said "how can you walk away so easy". Holy Sh__. It's been one of the toughest things in my life. I have put myself through pure hell before I walked out 3 days ago. Why is this so hard to just stop and not do this to myself. I can't go back to that and I'm sure with me responding and texting tonight, she got the idea that I want it to be all better. I must love to beat myself up. All I had to do was not respond.

[Changed4safety]

It's hard to not respond.  It's hard not to check their FB, reread the emails sent, and so on.  I mean really, really hard.  I have been "breaking up" since early May, and tonight I caved and checked his FB. 

Fall down a thousand times, get up a thousand and one.  So you responded.  You backslid.  Start over, now.  This is a process.  Keep posting here.   

[DivDad]

I could have predicted she would use the child to get to you.  Don't fall for it.  Blines have no empathy... .  no emotions. 

Now that you have cut the cord... .  MAN UP... .  and do not engage her again.

Change the lock on your door.

Change your phone number.

You seem to be a rescuer.  Like most of us who engage with a borderline.  They seek out and prey on nice guy rescuers. 

Don't engage her.  Don't look back.

You have taken the biggest step of all.

Disconnecting.

Don't go back!

Borderlines are the best actors and manipulators of everything around them.

Her son is just a pawn.  Don't fall for it.

Again, now that you are out.

Stay out.

Be kind to yourself.   And think of where you want to be in a year.

Elimiate all contact with her.

Don't afford her the usual nicities that normal people are accustomed too.

Be rude.

Stay away.

Move forward.  Think forward.

By all means, don't let her pry back into your life one inch.  Not one inch.

Borderlines lies.  They are deceitful.

You are out... .  and stay out (of her life and everything around her.)

You are traveling at light speed away from the black hole.

Don't look back in the spaceship.

Or you will be sucked back in.

I've been there.  Two times... .  and now I'm in control of my life.

Be strong.  And begone.

[Consumed]

I want to pick up that phone really bad. I had to write on here (thank you for being here). She text today and asked if I would ride with them and watch the boy while she was in her psych appointment. I did it! Why? I was saying to myself, what are you doing? She wanted to talk afterward and got angry and superdramatic when she dropped me off. I was willing to talk, but I asked her to calm down and it was impossible. I can't believe I actually went with them. There is not a bit of logic in any of it. Now I'm sitting on the couch 4 hours later and typing on here so I don't text her or call her. I keep asking myself, when does the thought of saving my own life come into view. When does my heart stop beating out of my chest because I don't get mad and tell her to f-off. My doctor raised an antidepressent the other day to double what it was. Before I met her, the thought of being on an anti-depressent or any meds or getting a therapist would have never entered my mind. And now I take that and a sleeping pill. If 2 years ago, someone said my life would be where it's at now, I would say they were totally insane and they don't know me very well. Surprise!

[Changed4safety]

Good for you for writing here!  It sounds like things are really, really tough right now.  Most of us have been there.  I remember when I had to go on an anti-anxiety medication to simply continue to survive in the relationship.  My therapist was like "Changed--you are going on medication simply to stay with him!  Doesn't that send up a warning flag to you?"

You might not need to be on them forever, but if it helps you now, then accept it.  Take whatever life preservers you can.  I am back on my antidepressants (went on them when my father died last year, went off them for a while and am now back on) and it's lovely to feel  like myself instead of sobbing in bed and sleeping 12 hours and eating donuts and ice cream.  When things are calmer, you can discuss cutting back or getting off them.  Please, do NOT just quit them cold turkey if you want to go off them, that's really bad and will mess with you. 

Keep reading and typing.  I am reading 2010's posts... .  she is so wise, and there are a lot of them.  It keeps reinforcing my decision. 

[LuckyEscapee]

There is no right or wrong in handling these relationships in my eyes, as most of the time we find ourselves in survival mode. Feeling our way in the dark, worn wafer thin, not knowing which way is up! Although our brains say 'no' it takes the heart longer, if ever to catch up.

For me, I just physically/mentally couldnt take it anymore, and then I felt I was failing him, but it was mind torture and then something in me 'snapped', and I knew it had to stop. Then I got replaced anyhow, then the full out harassment/attacking started. i literally thought it would only end with one of us dead, likely me. Yet supposedly I am still the love of his life, his soulmate (I still don't understand it?) Afterwards it took me months of sleeping pills to get back to any normality.

I say this because perhaps you just haven't 'snapped' yet, perhaps your still looking for your rock bottom... .  and then the only way is up and out. Take good care Clancy 

[pinkpeony]

Hi clancygt,

It's ok!  You are struggling, and we get it.  Don't be so hard on yourself, you went because you've got a lot of emotion invested in her and her son and you wanted to help her out.   

When you were willing to talk and she got angry and superdramatic, how did that make you feel?  (And she just got out from her psych appointment... .  )  You've been torturing yourself trying to figure this out for days (weeks, months, years) and think all these thoughts and finally get a chance to MAYBE have a discussion and it just goes... .  bad.  Seems like we've all been there, ready to take responsibility, face the facts and get down to business but pwBPD live in their own reality and are basically not available as "normal".   When I'd come to a realization, prepare to have a gentle conversation, carefully planned my exact words and he still screamed in my face and paced the floor like a caged tiger, the defeat I felt was overwhelming. 

I'm on an antidepressant and sleeping aids too.  I gained 20 lbs from stress eating and ignored most of my friends for over a year.  I avoided social situations, changed my personality, stopped doing a lot of what I loved to avoid a confrontation and accusations.  I don't really understand my own behavior either, why did I let this person control these things in my life to the point of ME taking medication?   I'm struggling to understand the illness and it takes a conscious effort on my part to apply what I am learning to my thinking.  It's hard to accept that what I saw was not what was really going on.  It's confusing and it hurts.

This is hard, clancy.  Have a hug!

pink

[Consumed]

I kept busy tonight. She texted and called me when I was at work. She wanted me to come over tonight and talk. 10 seconds later she is screaming and crying on the phone saying how I was not a man because I am tearing her son's heart out. Saying it was easy for me to walk away, (she said that the other day too) , which is such a slap in the face, it has been so emotionaly draining and I have been trying to salvage this for 2 years. Easy to walk away from? I know she is not saying things with a rational mind, but my jaw dropped when she said that. The beating I have taken and put on myself has been daily for a long, long time. I told her she needed to get help. Boy, that helped, NOT! She continued to scream and I hung up. When we got back together about 5 months ago, she wanted me to spent time with them (her & 5 yr old son) and I wanted her to get help with her anger. I spent the past 5 months at her apt every night after work until bedtime during the week and all weekend. I helped her through every emotional problem and dealing with all the anger at least 3-4 days a week. She not only didn't do anything about her anger, she cancelled any appointment with her T (who she never would talk about her stuff anyway) for the whole 5 months. I didn't say anything and the anger escalated so much and it is at a level for the past couple weeks where I just have to be done, It is draning every part of me and I keep trying to do whatever I can to help her (ala,last night) Thank you all for listening.  This has been so hard and I am not sure what I would do without you all.

[HarmKrakow]

I kept busy tonight. She texted and called me when I was at work. She wanted me to come over tonight and talk. 10 seconds later she is screaming and crying on the phone saying how I was not a man because I am tearing her son's heart out. Saying it was easy for me to walk away, (she said that the other day too) , which is such a slap in the face, it has been so emotionaly draining and I have been trying to salvage this for 2 years. Easy to walk away from? I know she is not saying things with a rational mind, but my jaw dropped when she said that. The beating I have taken and put on myself has been daily for a long, long time. I told her she needed to get help. Boy, that helped, NOT! She continued to scream and I hung up. When we got back together about 5 months ago, she wanted me to spent time with them (her & 5 yr old son) and I wanted her to get help with her anger. I spent the past 5 months at her apt every night after work until bedtime during the week and all weekend. I helped her through every emotional problem and dealing with all the anger at least 3-4 days a week. She not only didn't do anything about her anger, she cancelled any appointment with her T (who she never would talk about her stuff anyway) for the whole 5 months. I didn't say anything and the anger escalated so much and it is at a level for the past couple weeks where I just have to be done, It is draning every part of me and I keep trying to do whatever I can to help her (ala,last night) Thank you all for listening.  This has been so hard and I am not sure what I would do without you all.

I wish you all the strength to fight this ill battle of hers and I hope that you will come stronger out of this!

[Changed4safety]

Hang in there, Clancy.  She is seeing her "source" heading away from her and is likely to pull out all the stops.   

[Consumed]

I haven't heard from her since tuesday and then she sends me a text today saying She will leave a bag out of my stuff and I can pick it up tomorrow when she is away. I know I don't have anything there except superficial stuff. I have been in this house for a few days writing on here and reading. I have felt a little less anxious until that text, then my heart started to pound. I did not respond and was proud of myself. I really want this to be all over and there is no way I would have gotten my thoughts together enough to think straight without this site. I own my life to this site. I know this aight over, there will be more contact from her, but I'm trying not to respond or contact her, plus it's only been a week and I have taken her back after a whole summer off. I mean she will be tearing me up at some point, because "Iam tearing her sons heart out". Iam not really sure what she will do, but I know this isn't over. It's hard to believe what state I was in just a week ago. All of you have helped me so much and I know I'm gonna need more for probably for quite a while. I know I have to get a therapist, I feel timid, and not sure of myself at all anymore. I'm sure there's ptsd there and not a little amount. goodnight all. I am so glad I can write on here.

[stoic83]

I haven't heard from her since tuesday and then she sends me a text today saying She will leave a bag out of my stuff and I can pick it up tomorrow when she is away. I know I don't have anything there except superficial stuff. I have been in this house for a few days writing on here and reading. I have felt a little less anxious until that text, then my heart started to pound. I did not respond and was proud of myself. I really want this to be all over and there is no way I would have gotten my thoughts together enough to think straight without this site. I own my life to this site. I know this aight over, there will be more contact from her, but I'm trying not to respond or contact her, plus it's only been a week and I have taken her back after a whole summer off. I mean she will be tearing me up at some point, because "Iam tearing her sons heart out". Iam not really sure what she will do, but I know this isn't over. It's hard to believe what state I was in just a week ago. All of you have helped me so much and I know I'm gonna need more for probably for quite a while. I know I have to get a therapist, I feel timid, and not sure of myself at all anymore. I'm sure there's ptsd there and not a little amount. goodnight all. I am so glad I can write on here.

Hey buddy.  I have been through these recycles a bunch and have no life anymore. That sucks she has a kid. I cant imagine how I would feel if my exwBPD had a son... .  that's tough. Try to limit your contact with her and then go NC forever... .  im in 30 days... .  i have read so many horror stories from people who keep in touch with their ex wBPD and it seems to drag them down at various times in their life. Sad to say but unless they get better I FEEL they are like parasites that feed on human emotion.

I feel that being afraid is a good thing here. It keeps me away from something that is toxic to my health... .  i feel like there are a lot of PDs where I live (orange county) but the weather is amazing... .  

Its kind of like a metaphor for a PD, this town... Beautiful and charming on the outside, but fake and shallow deep down.

Regards,

Stoic

[LuckyEscapee]

Good night Clancy, we'll be all here when you awake.

Wishing you peaceful dreams Zzzz

[Consumed]

Just got 2 messeges that I should have erased instead of looking at. Long ones blaming me and saying she doesn't respect a man that leaves a little boy and doesn't accept her for her. I never loved her because I don't return her calls and go hold her even when she's mad... .  and on and on. All I did was hold her and comfort her when she was mad and calling me all sorts of things. I have put my heart and soul and my life into that r/s. I know I should be erasing it and realize where it's coming from, but it just burns me that she blames for me not doing things that I did do around the clock. I was willing to accept her forever if she would just get help, which I would have (and have) gone through with her. Eventhough she is so illogical and mad, how can she look at the past 2 years and say these things. Today, I cleaned my house somemore and felt good that I didn't sit all day. I had thoughts all day, but they didn't consume me. Then I get these messeges. I have no problem admitting I'm wrong and letting go of messed up stuff to make sure she doesn't take it wrong or goes into some other rage. Then she writes that i think i'm perfect and don't do anything wrong and I say she's broken! by asking her to get help. I know these accusations are what they are, but they hurt so bad. Thanks for listening. I do feel terrible about her little boy who has been my "buddy" for 2 years. Everyone has told me I have to cut it off, even a couple single mothers I know. There is no good feeling with that.

[DivDad]

You need to avoid all contact with her.

When you said she wrote and I read the letter.

Don't open letters from her.

Don't open emails from her

Don't read text messages from her.

Delete. Delete.Delete.

As everyone has said, she is using the son to get to you.

She has no real feelings to anyone.   

CUT THE CORD.

She will find someone else... .  to prey on.

She is probabaly out right now looking for someone new.

Borderlines have overlapping relationships.

They don't want to be alone... .  and when they see you are disengaging... .  they

will immediately start looking to overlap with someone else.

I've been there.

It's all sad but true.

Delete delete delete.  Her messages, herself and her son from your life.

Be strong.

[Consumed]

Divdad. I blocked her number on my verizon account today so I won't get anything. That was a bigstep. I think that was the 1% i was holding back, thinking, well not sure what I was thinking. I was deleteing about 90% of texts , but would read one out of 20, just enough to get me anxious and my heart pounding. Thank you! This site and all of you are literally saving my life. I have a lot of healing to do and I am so glad I have all of you to bounce this stuff off of. I am feeling very anxious this morning. I have a feeling she may be at the house pounding on the door when she realizes I blocked her from my phone. I don't want to have police or anything like that involved, I really don't. It's just a real bummer she sees life that way. I feel all my efforts and love went for nothing. I am a little fearful that I will never trust a relationship again. I know that probably isn't true, and I try not to think about it, but I would like to connect with someone at that level someday. Thanks for listening.

[GreenMango]

Clancy have you read the white paper on how to leave?

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

It might help to do this and work in the strategies mentioned if ages likely to show up. 

The cops are always an option but you may have to knuckle down and just tell her this is too much and you need to focus on your health.  Make it about you. 

[Consumed]

Tonight I feel hollow. I know that blocking her from the phone is the right thing to do for me and it's the only way to start healing with a little peace. I feel I have let that little boy (5yr old) down so bad. We love eachother and now i'm gone. That seems so wrong! I explained to him this is not his fault and I always love him. I feel really damaged and scared. Just typing that seems like I'm talking about someone else. I was happy and confident. Now I am anxious, what seems all the time. I know I have to get a therapist, but a lot of therapists just scratch the surface with knowlege of BPD let alone a survivor of one. I know I'm thinking neg, I have to stop that. I just want to feel relaxed and treat myself well.  I'm feeling a lot of doom for the future right now. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer tonight. I just had to write. Does anyone feel damaged and broke from there r/s, like some BPD's talk of? I had a lot of love and I hope I can gather it back up in the healing and freely give it out again. Thank you

[waitaminute]

Tonight I feel hollow. I know that blocking her from the phone is the right thing to do for me and it's the only way to start healing with a little peace. I feel I have let that little boy (5yr old) down so bad. We love eachother and now i'm gone. That seems so wrong! I explained to him this is not his fault and I always love him. I feel really damaged and scared. Just typing that seems like I'm talking about someone else. I was happy and confident. Now I am anxious, what seems all the time. I know I have to get a therapist, but a lot of therapists just scratch the surface with knowlege of BPD let alone a survivor of one. I know I'm thinking neg, I have to stop that. I just want to feel relaxed and treat myself well.  I'm feeling a lot of doom for the future right now. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer tonight. I just had to write. Does anyone feel damaged and broke from there r/s, like some BPD's talk of? I had a lot of love and I hope I can gather it back up in the healing and freely give it out again. Thank you

All natural feelings Clancy. It takes time. The grieving process takes time. Hold on to knowledge that others have gone through this and that it gets better. Even if the T doesn't understand BPD, he/she should understand the feeling of us rescuers and how we must change ourselves. And they should he able to help you through the grieving process. Go.

[stoic83]

Hey clancy... .  you're like a month behind me buddy... .  

Just get through this man. Any way you can... .  don't feel ashamed for spending time alone and taking care of yourself. Don't worry about making any mistakes socially... .  for me it helps to get out there and if i act a little strange oh well. Normal people aren't usually as vicious as my exwBPD was about every little thing. I am oversensitive right now, and also blurt things out that are probably not socially acceptable... .  but oh well. If they are as open-minded, as we are, I am sure that they will be able to overlook strange behaviors... .  and if not that's okay too.

One of the reasons i got in to this was caring too much what other people think about me... .  it feels good to be validated, but the validation we got from our exwBPD when things were good is not realistic.

My Uncle, the child psychologist, tells me that sometimes we need to go through things to evolve. The "type of love" that we felt for our uBPDex is more of a puppy love or an idealized love... .  which in reality doesn't really exist. Just like santa claus, the tooth fairy, or anything else. While my ex idealized me, it made me idealize her... .  because during the good times she made me feel totally accepted... .  and the bad times were so frequent and confusing, that it made the good times stand out that much more... .  giving me cravings to get back to that place... .  even though neither I, nor my ex with a dysfunctional personality and limited left brain functioning could not consciously recreate.

The only way to recreate that experience is essentially to "play games"... .  indefinitely. I don't want to play games anymore in my romantic rs... .  it might have been fun to her, or a game, but to me it became russian roulette with my sanity.

I went from bf, to ex, to dear friend, to bf, to love of life, to friend, to ex, to dirtbag, to saint... .  all around we go.

I actually find myself acting out the bad things she said about me, or internalizing them. Like she said "my social skills suck" So i am trying to hard to be good socially. She said "youre an idiot." I am insecure with my intelligence right now. "She said your a baby" I feel needy and dependent. She said "your a crazy, psychotic, jerk"... .  this is how i have felt lately... .  she said "you think you are better than everyone else" well this is the only one that i have not internalized... .  I feel like i could idealize just about anybody who is kind to me right now... .  i feel "worse than everybody else"... .  why? I couldn't even get a mentally ill woman who i did so much for to love me, want to stay with me?

That is the problem with this thinking... it is exactly her mental illness that makes it so whe can not love me or want to stay with me... .  unfortunately, in her mind the more that i did for her... .  the weaker i was, if that makes sense. The less she loved me... .  the more she hated me.

I felt extremely loved when i feel she should have been more indifferent, and I felt extremely hated when I felt she should have been at her most loving and supportive. This is not typical human behavior and that is why you are feeling so shell shocked and confused... .  on top of your normal grief emotions of sadness, anger, depression... .  

I know you feel bad about the 5 year old boy... .  what helps me is to think about all the other little 5 yr old boys who dont have a good father figure in their life, or are with a neglectful single mother.

Maybe after this experience is done, you can become a big brother or something? I know that in the future i will be involved with charities to help the mentally ill... .  and so i am taking my feelings... .  depersonalizing the situation as much as possible, and taking my love and empathy... .  and decentralizing it on her (or her child in her case) and focusing on how this experience has led me to develop deeper feelings, and love... .  and that there are healthy places to put this and express myself... .  but not with my exwBPD, or my family, or girls that i might be unhealthily attracted to right now.

Take that love and sadness and realize that you will be able to help other people due to what you went though, are going through, this life changing experience.

But right now be selfish, dont criticize yourself, dont idealize her, dont devalue yourself, and dont feel guilty for being a loving and empathic human that doesn't know how to handle such other-worldly behaviors... .  

Even my dog got kind of spooked by her behaviors... .  he tried to sleep right on top of me to protect me... .  but he was very loving to her as well.

I picked up my dog at a rescue shelter, he had obviously been abused and neglected... .  now he is an empathic, gentle, loving creature... .  much more so than the dogs that i have been around for much of my life.

Well i can really look up to my dog in this situation... .  . He knows bad times, he knows pain, he knows abuse and confusing feedback from owners... .  and now that he knows what a more consistent - loving home is like he is probably much more grateful than he would be if he never went through such things.

Too bad, people wBPD aren't more like dogs... .  they are probably more like cats unfortunately, and you and I buddy... .  we are probably like dogs.

Dogs love their toys and bury them in the yard. Cats can love a toy for a while... .  but eventually get bored and never touch it again. Cat's bury their terds in a box so nobody can see them... .  dog's crap out in the open, that's humility sir. Our s*** does stink. Dog's are loyal and loving, cat's are fickle and narcissitic... .  they don't come to comfort you... .  they only come around when they want attention. Dog's are straightforward and love to play at any time, cat's are sneaky and slinky and only want to play when THEY WANT TO PLAY.

Cat's piss on your shoes when they are mad at you. Dog's feel like they did something wrong and hang their head in shame... .  Dog's are man's best friend. Cat's are just there to look at at take from you when they feel like it?

In any case... .  next woman i find is gonna be a total dog! 

haha... .  well this is probably an odd theory, but hey its helped me... .  not suggesting that all people wBPD are like cats, but hey that's just my experience.

Here's to the dog in all of us.

love you guys, hang tough clancy!

Stoic