Finding BPDex in bed with another woman

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Three and a half months ago I left and live in a flat round the corner. Initially I took the kids with me for a month, then gradually they started spending time with their dad and now its become that they sleep with me and him alternate nights.

I always do the school run in the morning. D11 had left her gym shoes our old house. I assumed he would be at work as it was 8am. Didnt notice the car. Went in with my key and he came out of the bedroom, looking a but sheepish I thought. I ran round looking for the shoes, picked up a silk scarf and black coat that was hanging over a chair, then turned to wards him, he said where are you going? He obviously didnt want me to go in the bedroom. I said I couldnt find the shoes and I left.

My first thought was great, he has met someone, now he wont be so lonely, it might make him more reasonable with me.

As the day wore on at work the horror hit me of another woman in the bed I had slept in for 10 years. Then realising she will have the best of him, the loving affectionate man I fell in love with, then I came home on my own from work to an empty flat, Friday night and the kids were with him. I sent him an email to say I had realised there was a woman there, not to worry I wont tell the kids and next time I will call the house first.

Last night he rang to speak to D11 and I answered, recently he has refused to speak to me. It ended in a tearful conversation about how could I abandon him, he couldnt live without the family, he would die in the house along with the goldfish, what I must have said to the kids to take them from him, I have destroyed his life accusing him of being a monster. I said I want him to learn to be happy and wish that he would recognise the problems we had and go to a new doctor who could help him.

This story could be in any broken relationship, only I know it is BPD. He says he is bipolar sometimes, but only in passing and has never been able tontalk about what it means ordeal with it. I have a list of so many strange things or hurtful things he did, or angry behaviour that I have to readto remind myself, but I am so drawn to this man, I too had felt secure for the first timein my life in a "family", even though we were always on eggshells.

Just very sad. I would like to hug him. I would like to turn the clock back. But I know in my heart that I cant trust him any more and I dont want to live in fear of another outburst.

[Cmjo]

Three and a half months ago I left and live in a flat round the corner. Initially I took the kids with me for a month, then gradually they started spending time with their dad and now its become that they sleep with me and him alternate nights.

I always do the school run in the morning. D11 had left her gym shoes our old house. I assumed he would be at work as it was 8am. Didnt notice the car. Went in with my key and he came out of the bedroom, looking a but sheepish I thought. I ran round looking for the shoes, picked up a silk scarf and black coat that was hanging over a chair, then turned to wards him, he said where are you going? He obviously didnt want me to go in the bedroom. I said I couldnt find the shoes and I left.

My first thought was great, he has met someone, now he wont be so lonely, it might make him more reasonable with me.

As the day wore on at work the horror hit me of another woman in the bed I had slept in for 10 years. Then realising she will have the best of him, the loving affectionate man I fell in love with, then I came home on my own from work to an empty flat, Friday night and the kids were with him. I sent him an email to say I had realised there was a woman there, not to worry I wont tell the kids and next time I will call the house first.

Last night he rang to speak to D11 and I answered, recently he has refused to speak to me. It ended in a tearful conversation about how could I abandon him, he couldnt live without the family, he would die in the house along with the goldfish, what I must have said to the kids to take them from him, I have destroyed his life accusing him of being a monster. I said I want him to learn to be happy and wish that he would recognise the problems we had and go to a new doctor who could help him.

This story could be in any broken relationship, only I know it is BPD. He says he is bipolar sometimes, but only in passing and has never been able tontalk about what it means ordeal with it. I have a list of so many strange things or hurtful things he did, or angry behaviour that I have to readto remind myself, but I am so drawn to this man, I too had felt secure for the first timein my life in a "family", even though we were always on eggshells.

Just very sad. I would like to hug him. I would like to turn the clock back. But I know in my heart that I cant trust him any more and I dont want to live in fear of another outburst.

[GreenMango]

cmjo this is hard.  It's one of those situations were the realization that things are changing can feel like a slap.

But please let me reassure you of one area where things haven't changed enough for this to be true:

Then realising she will have the best of him, the loving affectionate man I fell in love with

This man is a package deal with the good the bad also comes.  You left because the bad outweighed the good.  You are making positive steps in the right direction for you and the kids... .  know that this takes an amazing amount of courage.

Please take some time for you and be kind to yourself. 

[HarmKrakow]

Three and a half months ago I left and live in a flat round the corner. Initially I took the kids with me for a month, then gradually they started spending time with their dad and now its become that they sleep with me and him alternate nights.

I always do the school run in the morning. D11 had left her gym shoes our old house. I assumed he would be at work as it was 8am. Didnt notice the car. Went in with my key and he came out of the bedroom, looking a but sheepish I thought. I ran round looking for the shoes, picked up a silk scarf and black coat that was hanging over a chair, then turned to wards him, he said where are you going? He obviously didnt want me to go in the bedroom. I said I couldnt find the shoes and I left.

My first thought was great, he has met someone, now he wont be so lonely, it might make him more reasonable with me.

As the day wore on at work the horror hit me of another woman in the bed I had slept in for 10 years. Then realising she will have the best of him, the loving affectionate man I fell in love with, then I came home on my own from work to an empty flat, Friday night and the kids were with him. I sent him an email to say I had realised there was a woman there, not to worry I wont tell the kids and next time I will call the house first.

Last night he rang to speak to D11 and I answered, recently he has refused to speak to me. It ended in a tearful conversation about how could I abandon him, he couldnt live without the family, he would die in the house along with the goldfish, what I must have said to the kids to take them from him, I have destroyed his life accusing him of being a monster. I said I want him to learn to be happy and wish that he would recognise the problems we had and go to a new doctor who could help him.

This story could be in any broken relationship, only I know it is BPD. He says he is bipolar sometimes, but only in passing and has never been able tontalk about what it means ordeal with it. I have a list of so many strange things or hurtful things he did, or angry behaviour that I have to readto remind myself, but I am so drawn to this man, I too had felt secure for the first timein my life in a "family", even though we were always on eggshells.

Just very sad. I would like to hug him. I would like to turn the clock back. But I know in my heart that I cant trust him any more and I dont want to live in fear of another outburst.

I don't know how it is in regards of custody of the kids and such but i've read a few of your first posts when you came to this forum and my initial suggestion would be, try to move to another county with your kids, and go for a shrink visitation and tell them that their father is sick, because you don't want a parent with BPD to have a significant impact on their kid. Go and run!

Because otherwise, I feel the pain/recovery process for you might take a tad longer than you want to yourself. This is like a detachment process of 1 step forward, 2 steps backward 3 steps forward 4 steps backward.

[Curvy girl]

Cmjo

This is nothing like what happened to you but I felt the same emotions. I am only 9 days out with an attempt at limited contact.

My BPD exbf was calling me and begging me to come back. A few times he mentioned an old school friend he recently reconnected with on Facebook. She was introducing him to kite boarding and he was excited to be reconnecting with old friends. Then he started reposting the same statuses she did, almost everyday, ( I really should de friend him on Facebook).

I remember thinking " I wonder if they're together" ? Then immediately thinking that's great because then maybe he can get off my back. Then hours later feeling a horrible feeling at the pit of my stomach. Thinking that him being in therapy now he's in much better shape than when I met him.

I relate to the feelings of regret and slight jealousy but if anything feel sorry for this woman. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy.

Be happy you are out, take everyday you're not with him as a day you're investing in your own happiness and growth. Rather come home to an empty flat that to a home full of fear anger and walking on eggshells.

[Somewhere]

She will be getting the "bad" as soon as you stop taking it.

That will be good for you, and bad for her.

My bet would be that she will cut-and-run faster than you.

Get yourself clean and clear of this mess.

[joanlee]

Believe it or not, I divorced my BPDh a year and a half ago, and he has taken up with an old high school friend already. I was really taken back at my emotions. I thought I was done with him (married 36 years). I was blindsided by this, and it hurt. I never thought I would care. I mean, I left HIM, right? He has every right to do what he wants. I think what bothers me the most is that he can change gears so quickly... .  all the drama, including a suicide attempt when I left... .  he left it all behind sooner than I ever imagined. I am the one who is more miserable and trying to figure out how to move on. It seems so unfair that after all the damage he's done, he's moved from me to her so easily. Makes me realize he never cared about me so much, just a warm body so he won't be lonely.

[Sunshinegirl3275]

I'm two weeks out from my ex BPD bf and he called one of my co-workers saturday to ask her out. Of course she said "no". It's funny how we all feel the same range of emotions, we want these people to move on so we can be free of them - - but it hurts like hell.

Why most people with BPD are so vindictive and hurtful is really hard to comprehend sometimes, but it's ultimately what keeps me away. I have to keep reminding myself that he is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

He was going to eat me alive, if I didn't leave.

Stay true to yourself and don't try to rationalize his behavior. Be grateful that you are not the new woman that will have to find out the hard way that he is not such a wonderful guy! 

[joanlee]

Makes you wonder sometimes about who is the sicker one. They say these people are miserable and tortured, and have a lot of shame. But they seem happier and less bothered than the rest of us. They have such an inflated view of themselves, it works to their advantage. They can just carry on after 36 years of marriage, almost as if they hardly skipped a beat. Maybe a little bummed out at first, but able to switch off their emotions. They have a capacity to not see themselves. Maybe this is a good thing for them. They don't seem to be bothered by thinking too much.

[Cmjo]

He never replied to my email about her. In all the ranting on the phone yesterday SHE wasnt mentioned at all. I didnt see the point, he still doesnt understand why I left. He says I just abandoned the family because I prefer being by myself. What?

He wants the FAMILY because that makes his life seem acceptable, even though he was always miserable, spent all his spare time in bed with the laptop, spent six months digging upnthe garden manically build a ramp for the disabled at my complete horror, took oout a massive loan without telling me to buy an antique motorbike... .  why?

But I am totally enmeshed and ready to be sucked back in... .  he was my only long term relationship and father of my kids.  as the months are ticking by I wonder if I will get to the point of no return. But now I cont imagine him not being in my life forever. he will be, we have amazing kids together, but he wants either the whole family package or doesnt want to see me ever again.

The kids rang me to say goodnight tonight, I could hear him talking about their headlice shampoo in the background, a normal family evening conversation in our house, but I am not there! I saw on Facebook yesterday he climbed a mountain near the city we climbed together a few years ago. He put a video on of being at the top. As the camera swung round I wondered if SHE was there too! ha!

I wish he could say to me, I realise we had problems for a long time and I understand that you are fed up with it ... .  But he is ANGRY at me for leaving HIM.

I need constant reminding of why I am here, otherwise I rationalise his behaviour and think of all the positives about him and how we needed each other... .  

[HarmKrakow]

He never replied to my email about her. In all the ranting on the phone yesterday SHE wasnt mentioned at all. I didnt see the point, he still doesnt understand why I left. He says I just abandoned the family because I prefer being by myself. What?

He wants the FAMILY because that makes his life seem acceptable, even though he was always miserable, spent all his spare time in bed with the laptop, spent six months digging upnthe garden manically build a ramp for the disabled at my complete horror, took oout a massive loan without telling me to buy an antique motorbike... .  why?

But I am totally enmeshed and ready to be sucked back in... .  he was my only long term relationship and father of my kids.  as the months are ticking by I wonder if I will get to the point of no return. But now I cont imagine him not being in my life forever. he will be, we have amazing kids together, but he wants either the whole family package or doesnt want to see me ever again.

The kids rang me to say goodnight tonight, I could hear him talking about their headlice shampoo in the background, a normal family evening conversation in our house, but I am not there! I saw on Facebook yesterday he climbed a mountain near the city we climbed together a few years ago. He put a video on of being at the top. As the camera swung round I wondered if SHE was there too! ha!

I wish he could say to me, I realise we had problems for a long time and I understand that you are fed up with it ... .  But he is ANGRY at me for leaving HIM.

I need constant reminding of why I am here, otherwise I rationalise his behaviour and think of all the positives about him and how we needed each other... .  

I feel for you  .

You will however need to start your detachment program. Why? Because seeing him, through facebook, with a new girl in YOUR bed, is inflicting pain on yourself. That ... you do not want and ... above all is not necessary.

You think he shares the same pain? Tears? Cries? ... So why would you?

[Cmjo]

The accidental arrival at his house last Friday morning and surprising him may have helped unblock things. Last night I had to get a schoolbook for D 11. Went to his house. I just broke down I didnt want to go in the door and I just sobbed for an hour in the kitchen with him being calm civil and understanding for the first time in 3 months. I got a glimpse of him through the tears he has lost weight and looked good. but it was hard to look at him in the face. 12 years of thinking someone only has eyes for you. In my bed too. Then this morning when my son rang him, he was crying too. He does care, but his feelings go unpredictably from raging to insults to crying. I have written to ask if its a one night stand or he has started a new relationship. Just doesnt bear thinking about.

He also wrote me a civil email today saying he wants to rebuild things if I do. He had thought my decision was final (so making excuses for now having a fling). He said he would take my advice and go the the doctor I had suggested (a BPD specialist) - he still thinks I think he is bipolar, but I would like to try to get him a diagnosis. Shall I go with him? Or let her take him!

Detaching is hard, especially when we have children and two houses and every day we have to go back and forth to pick up stuff. I just cant cut off completely. But I am not optimistic about rebuilding anything. He has slept with someone else now... .  we cant turn the clock back ever.may e that will help us to move on and its the best thing to do. I havent yet, but would if I had half the chance. ... .  !

[HarmKrakow]

The accidental arrival at his house last Friday morning and surprising him may have helped unblock things. Last night I had to get a schoolbook for D 11. Went to his house. I just broke down I didnt want to go in the door and I just sobbed for an hour in the kitchen with him being calm civil and understanding for the first time in 3 months. I got a glimpse of him through the tears he has lost weight and looked good. but it was hard to look at him in the face. 12 years of thinking someone only has eyes for you. In my bed too. Then this morning when my son rang him, he was crying too. He does care, but his feelings go unpredictably from raging to insults to crying. I have written to ask if its a one night stand or he has started a new relationship. Just doesnt bear thinking about.

He also wrote me a civil email today saying he wants to rebuild things if I do. He had thought my decision was final (so making excuses for now having a fling). He said he would take my advice and go the the doctor I had suggested (a BPD specialist) - he still thinks I think he is bipolar, but I would like to try to get him a diagnosis. Shall I go with him? Or let her take him!

Detaching is hard, especially when we have children and two houses and every day we have to go back and forth to pick up stuff. I just cant cut off completely. But I am not optimistic about rebuilding anything. He has slept with someone else now... .  we cant turn the clock back ever.may e that will help us to move on and its the best thing to do. I havent yet, but would if I had half the chance. ... .  !

Be very careful... not just for yourself but also for your life! Why? ... you've been in an enormous amount of pain. Detachment is almost impossible due to the kids. You might get into another recycle with him.

The question would be ... are your boundaries strong enough to give him a second chance and if things break that he won't pull you down?

[Cmjo]

Thank you. Those are wise words.

I realise with the promiseof rebuilding the "family" it is very hard to resist being sucked back into a recyle, and not going back makes me feel incrddibly guilty and cruel to him and the kids, and maybe even myself as I am giving up something that I wanted so much to work, and these years of being a family WERE for many periods the happiest of my life. Howver I know that our family life was also violent, cruel, full of conflict and underlying was his terrible low self esteem, and my own pain from an unhappy childhood.

And I doubt my boundaries are strong enough to handle a THIRD repeat (i moved out twice last year). The thought of moving back into the house where in the last few months he has unleashed his raging and obsessions and seduced another woman makes me want to cry, not with happiness.

I leanr something important on this board yesterday

I have to learn to detach if I want to be kind to myself

I also have to learn the "staying" coping skills for the times when we have to meet because of the children.

[morningagain]

em, and my own pain from an unhappy childhood.

I leanr something important on this board yesterday

I have to learn to detach if I want to be kind to myself

I also have to learn the "staying" coping skills for the times when we have to meet because of the children.

detach, detach, detach.  stay, recycle, leave, leave again, reject the recycle, doesn't matter - just detach - detach from the wounds.  then heal. 

[Cmjo]

OK where on this board do I learn to detach?

According to the five stages on the right, I have moved up to step 4, but I havent moved on to the freedom stage yet.

[GreenMango]

OK where on this board do I learn to detach?

Million Dollar question.  It's a little different for everyone. 

For some it's rereading the 10 beliefs that keep you stuck over and over everyday.  For others it's working through the grief.

How has it been going up to this point?

[morningagain]

OK where on this board do I learn to detach?

According to the five stages on the right, I have moved up to step 4, but I havent moved on to the freedom stage yet.

read randi kreger's traits of a healthy relationship on the senior member lounge.  see if that defines what you would aspire to in a relationship.  and blossom from.

look up trauma bonds on google.

do the work here - (look to the right) - find out what you are clinging to.

remember and journal and post the events that were and are so painful in the relationship.

look up "subtly controlling behaviors"

look up "the art of seduction"

sit and dream and write and draw and paint what you dream about in a relationship.

think about your values - were they trampled on, did you sacrifice them for him/her? - did your relationship become more important than you values?

consider if you have hurt other people you love because of your relationship

what would it take for you to stand on your own?  And THEN enter into an s/o relationship.  Would you sacrifice then your strength, independence, well being, relationship with others - all for the sake of someone you loved?  For someone you loved but could not return empathy or support or love when you were at your weakest?

look hard and critically - even brutally at yourself.  put someone else in your shoes that you care dearly for.  put someone else in your shoes you dislike.  would you wish your BPD r/s upon either of them?

study, consider, reach out, break the silence, put yourself in your family member's shoe or best friends shoes - someone who you know loves and cares about you that has some, many, most or all of your values - then imagine they are asking YOU for advice.

go out doing nothing but being free to do as you please without questions or interrogations.  do something, nothing that is benign or positive.  would your friends or family question, interrogate and accuse?  if they would, do you like it?

would you love, i mean LOVE to do something, free of angst and free of planning your responses to accusations, to go have fun with a friend of your gender and then return to a kind, warm, loving s/o ?  Would you want that for your children or best friend?  do you have that now?

detach.  learn your values.  stand by them because you know it is the right thing to do - no matter what swomeone else may think or do and no matter how much you feel for them.  if your values are valid, you will stand by them in a fierce storm, for yourself and EVERYONE you care about. regardless of what the world or strangers or your love might say - or else those values are unworthy.  :)o you have worthy values?  If so, hold on to them FOR your love and OVER their objections or taunts.

Where do you go to detach?  Inside you.

[Cmjo]

Thanks, that really gives me some food for thought for the weekend... .  

I will write it all down, will let you know.

[almost789]

Hi Cmjo, I'm just now reading you post. The title seemed a bit scary to me, so I didn't read at first. But If I read it correctly. You caught your husband in your bed with another woman? I don't blame you for moving out. I think the separation would be good for him and you and the kids. I see he's open to treatment. That's good. It's just my opinion that I would stay out and yes, detach as best you can. If he gets to treatment and does better, you can always decide later if you want to reconsider the marriage or move on. I just think it's good to stay out if your already out because he'll probably be more open to treatment that way.

And mine did the same thing. I think he cheated, so I left. Then he says "you ended it!" Duh... .  they don't even SEE that THEY caused it.

[morningagain]

Hi again cmjo  

Man do I wish detaching had a straight line, A->B->C... .  path.  Healing and emotional health can get as complex as the drama and destruction we were enmeshed in.

Presently, "the Three Faces of Victim" article by Lynne Forrest is helping me quite a bit.  As you can determine from the long list I gave you earlier, there are many potentially helpful things we can do or stuff we can read and contemplate.  It can be bewildering and feel like an impossible mountain to scale - I suppose much like our BPD's feel about things

Looking at the article anew, it is very cool because it isn’t about DSM diagnosing of disorders – the BPD label becomes quite a hindrance to me in that it leads me to assigning responsibility to the pain, torture, and destruction primarily on my dBPD wife.  This perspective "It's her fault!" - even though it may be true from certain contexts or situations - gets me stuck on blame and pain.

This article is about the interactions and the roles.  Being labeled ‘victim’ is sucky – but once I get past that and see that responsibility is placed equally on each person, each 1-1 interaction, and the interaction between all three, it frees up my mind somewhat.

It may even be possible to present this to a BPD BECAUSE it is equal responsibility in nature and does not smack them between the eyes with the BPD-label which usually ignites their very disorder.  Well, I can cringe and act up at labels too.

It is a little frustrating at times – there is so much black and white thinking on the bpdfamily boards from us 'nons'.  “Not my fault”  “You cannot help them”  “Work on yourself”  “Stay NC – run away” – all of these statements and more are frequently accurate and helpful, but in different contexts they become excuses we use to absolve ourselves just like we see our PD’s do.

Right now, I am pretty happy to have something a little more concrete to contemplate while examining my navel – the article and my role in the disaster.  Actually is far more peaceful to consider that I played an equal part – at least within some important contexts.  :)oes not mean there will be a recycle or reconciliation, but it 'feels' healthier to think of it this way.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0

One last thought - I was bewildered intensely for so long.  Everything spun out of control during and after the separation, and it felt like I had no control over the situation, the relationship, myself, or my life - because I pretty much didn't.  The beautiful thing about finding my role, my 'faults' even, is THAT gives me something to work on that I CAN change - it restores control - healthy control - to me in a previously out-of-control world.  And that just feels darn good.



Michael

[gina louise]

CMjo,

for me studying the Drama Triangle helped.

I used to look at it as a silly diagram, and I used it to label my HUSBAND and see what HE was doing. It was not until someone else pointed out that WE are on that triangle too- that I took a HARD look at my behavior<GULP> God that was so hard. I was a "good person"-never did anything wrong... .  right?

I typically started out as Victim, moved quickly to Rescuer as I found a person I could "fix" who was hurting or troubled too-and then Persecutor when they didn't live up to their end of the deal. My deal. Which was MY FOO past r/s drama. I wanted to MATTER in my FOO, and if I was rescuing someone they HAD to notice me, value me and let me MATTER to them. If they didn't-I went into critical mode and gradually withdrew my formerly supportive self. But nicely, quietly. Nobody knew! Naturally that triggered my H's victim actions.(anger attacking, BLAME) and off we went.

Now I see the drama triangle as a TOOL, and a really amazing one. it shows me how I act, react and move like musical chairs through the patterns I unconsciously settled into.

In short, I stopped looking for HIS patterns... .  and started examining MINE on the Triangle.

That's my advice. Don't look at your H. What he's doing will typically be ALL over the map. Just like always. Look for yourself. Look at your FOO, and who resembles your H-in there.

Then look at how your moves on the triangle copied what you typically DID in your FOO.

You are a strong person, and one of my heros on these boards. 

keep going. Eat that elephant in tiny bits. You can DO this. Detach with compassion for his struggle. It doesn't need to be Love. In my mind, Love is two way. But compassion can be one way.

GL

[Sunshinegirl3275]

I feel your pain and it took me three years to figure out how to detach "the healthy way". We went through 4 recycles and each one left me weaker for quite sometime.

Whenever I'm feeling weak now (I'm 3 weeks out) and I need to remind myself that detaching is best for me, I try to feel the pain he has caused me and let the anger come through in writing in my journal and crying to my best friend. I don't want to feel that punched in the gut feeling from him ever again and it's ultimately what keeps me away.

My BPD guy said all the right things -- like he loved me with all his heart and soul. He still sends me a text message daily asking for me to come back and work on things because "I am his world". He did love me more than any other man in the world --- his love may have tasted sweet -- but it was pure poision for me.

I can't imagine having children with this man and this must be so terribly difficult for you. Please keep in mind that even if this man loves you with all his heart... .  he may not be good for you. Be true to yourself and listen to the little voice in your head.