How did your exBPD end up after?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I often wonder what will become of my exBPD in years to come. Since the breakup is recent, I often think most of my true answers about her will not come until 5-20 years from now and being able to take a look at what her life consists of. Anyone else ever think like this? I should state ex is against therapy and probably will deny her issues for life. My guess assuming she never will go to therapy and continues to always live in denial:  she either stays single and never marries again, gets married and divorced again, or ends up with an equally chaotic partner as she is and that somehow works. I read on here somewhere even if she marries and stays married obviously that wouldnt neccesarily mean its a good marriage. Anyone got any interesting post exBPD stories of how yours ended up after blaming you for 100% of the problems when they were with you?

[Robbz]

I often wonder what will become of my exBPD in years to come. Since the breakup is recent, I often think most of my true answers about her will not come until 5-20 years from now and being able to take a look at what her life consists of. Anyone else ever think like this? I should state ex is against therapy and probably will deny her issues for life. My guess assuming she never will go to therapy and continues to always live in denial:  she either stays single and never marries again, gets married and divorced again, or ends up with an equally chaotic partner as she is and that somehow works. I read on here somewhere even if she marries and stays married obviously that wouldnt neccesarily mean its a good marriage. Anyone got any interesting post exBPD stories of how yours ended up after blaming you for 100% of the problems when they were with you?

[hithere]

I see my ex's new boyfriend is a member of a NPD survivors group and a high conflict divorce group, so I guess she found another shining knight like myself.  I am guessing it will be rinse and repeat ad nauseam forever.

[gettingoverit]

I see my ex's new boyfriend is a member of a NPD survivors group and a high conflict divorce group, so I guess she found another shining knight like myself.  I am guessing it will be rinse and repeat ad nauseam forever.

Agreed. My ex has been married to my replacement for about 5 months now... .  tick tick tick... .  I know because she is the silent rager waif that secretly her "soulmate" has let her down and she is starting to ever so slowly devalue my replacement. Sure a new car or house or whatever may push those feeling under the rug for her for a while, but eventually the BPD time bomb will go off. It always does. And my replacement will most likely be just as shell shocked as we all were who were with her. It will be mind blowing (no pun intended) I am sure. Tick... .  tick... .  tick.

[waitaminute]

My exBPDgf has a 2 year rs with a guy that has narcissistic tendencies ( and I'm not saying NPD because I don't know. But she described his narcissism to me several times.) He also has a bad case of PTSD from his country's internal war. He has alienated every member of his family (like she has) and lives on the edge of society. Although I think he's sober and wants to do no harm to others, he has no means to support her (except weekend musician work that buys basic food and stuff) and she complained that he tried to kill her a few times.

If they can -between them - figure out how to survive economically, they could be a match made in heaven. I hope so.

[Justadude]

My ex is a nightmare. She's dating this new guy. He's a real winner. He's dating a single mom long distance. I have zero respect for men like that. My ex also cheated on me with a guy who was long distance it's a dysfunctional habit of hers always dating people who live far away. I don't get it.

She's gotten worse over the years. Extreme anxiety. No emotion or too stimulated. Miss perfect Christian. Super uptight. One big train wreck I could have done without.

[charred]

I dated my exBPDgf in college, was crazy about her, planned to marry, have kids, and she had a brief spat with my dad... and dumped me abruptly without an explanation, I was devastated... then she took up with a neighbor and I saw her hanging on him and kissing him... and I was homicidal/suicidal... and decided to leave before I did something stupid. I left the city I grew up in, my family, the business I had started (that was making a lot of money)... and went 1500 miles away.

Years later I heard she had married a guy near where my folks had a big farm... .  and did something with raising pigs.

It took me 10 yrs at least to get over her... I had met another girl (who became my wife) and thought that was the end of it.

So another 12-15 yrs pass... I have a 9 yr old daughter, been together with my wife for 22 yrs, married almost 10... and I lost my job (it was 2009 50,000 people did where I had worked)... and I find out my wife has ran up lots of credit card debt ... .  again, for 3 rd time... and after 300 job apps I didn't have a single interview. So I read and they say join social networking sights, network with people going back a ways... talk to them all and you may find that person that gets you a job. So I got on FB and contacted college, then HS, then mid school, finally grade school friends...

And one day my exBPDgf contacted me... .  I wasn't interested, she said she needed to talk to me to tell me real reason she dumped me... .  I got on phone and all the feelings came back... 4 mos later I was divorcing my wife.

So... how did my exBPD end up...

After me, she dated an unknown number of guys (a lot) ... she was attractive, blonde and had big boobs and an effervescent personality... at first. She was engaged a total of 7 times (to people she didn't marry)... and actually married 2, annulled one, divorced one. She had a son with the second guy. Painting black isn't strong enough to describe her vitriol towards the guys. She said a lot of weird stuff, like she knew that she was going to be raising her son as a single mother... .  but decided to go ahead and get pregnant anyway.

She went back to college, got a masters degree, had trouble with bills and pills and saw a therapist that diagnosed her BPD... .  and who she thought was great at first, but concluded he should lose his license... .  and painted him black.

She and I dated starting about 4 yrs ago... she was around during my divorce (throwing gasoline on the issues at every possible opportunity)... and started being a hater when I drew the line at treating my soon to be exwife, the way she treated her ex. (Nasty bad.)... and the recyling started... .  we went through about 6-7 cycles. Were supposed to move in together, she didn't show, and wouldn't take calls, had blocked me on everything, so I went NC, and then after a week or so she started bombarding me with texts, emails, voicemails, I changed my number and ignored her. Week later she is on FB with a new boyfriend, pics of them kissing, happy, etc. First holiday, she has pics of her/him a few miles from my house... which is 3+ hrs from her... kissing. Xmas comes... they break up and this month she has been trying to get hold of me... wanting sympathy... she has an STD from him, and wants me back.

How is that for an update?

[atcrossroads]

You're ex may be filled with love and empathy for you.  He was genuine the whole time... .  i'm sure of.  Any hate was from fear of losing the connection.  He probably subconsciously pushed you away when all he wanted was to be near you.  He would give his life to have you in his arms.  I have a feeling.  He also probably has ALOT of shame and guilt over the things he said and did.  It sounds like he would make it up to you if you would let him.  He's a good guy that acts like an ass when insecure.

This response doesn't jive with what's I've learned about BPD.  I, too, am very worried (trying to let go of that worry!) about how my uBPD will react.  We are going through separation, getting ready to put house on market, and will likely be divorced by summer.  It's hell.  He told me this weekend he has grown to DESPISE me.  We are still in the same house.  And, yes, it is 100% MY FAULT... .  every bit of it.

He has lost tons of weight - 6' 5", 170 lbs or so, smokes like and chimney (and coughs!), drinks tons, doesn't eat, is haggard, angry, bitter, cruel. 

I hope he will pull himself together and get on with his life.  He has talked a lot about suicide but assures me he will not do it.  I don't know how my life came to this... .  we used to be so happy (really, we did).  I'm baffled, devastated, and scarred.

[AllyCat7]

My ex is a nightmare. She's dating this new guy. He's a real winner. He's dating a single mom long distance. I have zero respect for men like that. My ex also cheated on me with a guy who was long distance it's a dysfunctional habit of hers always dating people who live far away. I don't get it.

She's gotten worse over the years. Extreme anxiety. No emotion or too stimulated. Miss perfect Christian. Super uptight. One big train wreck I could have done without.

I feel for you. I bet she is most likely a waif/silent BPD. Most BPDs, especially the silent ones LOVE LDRs. I have  theory, based on my last boyfriend (who is uBPD waif), that he uses LDRs for his emotional needs and local "booty calls" for his physical needs. We were LDR for over a year, he was madly in love with me and vice versa, then he moves to be near me and ___ hits the fan and things devolved to the point where he began trying to use me as just a booty call. Thankfully, I didn't let that happen, but I was disgusted. I knew there were always other girls, too, but finally called him out on it two weeks ago, after which he shut down. I honestly don't even know why I'm in touch with him. The waifs are the WORST. 10X worse than the rager ones. I've dated both. Anyway, I have to figure out how to go NC or LC with this guy. He's no good.

To answer the main question, I do have another BPDexbf (the rager one) that technically ended two years ago. In that two years, he was basically obsessed and not letting go of me, even though I told him I was in another r'ship. He tried to break us up and even spread false allegations about me to my new guy (the waif) and some of my guy friends. He's pretty psychotic. Anyway, once he finally accepted the NC and left me alone, he met a girl long distance. After 6 months, she was supposed to visit him, but she backed out last minute, after which he sent me a nasty email cursing her, me, and all women. I told him he has issues and needs help and to stop blaming his misery on others. I sent him some mental health links, too, but he, of course, denied he needed help (even after I told him I was seeing a T). Anyway, he tried to invite me out this New Years, which I ignored. I wish I could fast forward 5 years to see where both of these guys will be. Should be interesting, but I do wish them both the best.

[AllyCat7]

Take a chance.  He misses you.  He's not obsessed or desperate just wants back and forth contact and honesty.  He PRAYS you won't hurt him because that's what he's been scared of all along.

Hi Patty,

Was this comment meant for me? And, if so, are you referring to the previous BPDbf or the current one? The previous one really tested my patience. He literally made my blood pressure rise 10-20 points whenever he wouldn't get what he wanted and start a fit. He also crossed some major lines after the breakup that I could NEVER look past. I mean I forgave him b/c of the BPD, but he never owned up to any of it. And I don't want someone who is capable of such destruction in my life. Total loose cannon. Not to mention, although he was very attractive, we didn't have physical chemistry--a big deal to me.

The one I'm dealing with now is also a lost cause. I have never been more loyal and patient with anyone in my life, but all it gets me is more silent treatment and more cheating. No thanks. I need a normal person   Or at least someone who is open to self-improvement.

Anyway, I am curious as to whether you suffer from BPD? I wish more pwBPD came to these boards to chime in. I sometimes go to PsychForums and it's always interesting to see the other side!

[goodguy]

Take a chance.  He misses you.  He's not obsessed or desperate just wants back and forth contact and honesty.  He PRAYS you won't hurt him because that's what he's been scared of all along.

If you've already left, I wouldn't take that chance. Take a look at the Nons on here who have reengaged. And honesty is usually something a BPD can't give

[GustheDog]

You're ex may be filled with love and empathy for you... .  He was genuine the whole time... .  i'm sure of... .  Any hate was from fear of losing the connection... .  He would give his life to have you in his arms... .  It sounds like he would make it up to you if you would let him... .  

No offense, pattylicious, but the reason most of us are here is because we've found these statements to be demonstrably false.  There are few things I'm more certain of than that my ex does not feel she has anything to "make up" to me and, in fact, believes that I am a villain who has done her wrong.

We're here because they *don't* miss us.

However, I will agree that they probably experience a lot of shame.

[goodguy]

You're ex may be filled with love and empathy for you... .  He was genuine the whole time... .  i'm sure of... .  Any hate was from fear of losing the connection... .  He would give his life to have you in his arms... .  It sounds like he would make it up to you if you would let him... .  

No offense, pattylicious, but the reason most of us are here is because we've found these statements to be demonstrably false.  There are few things I'm more certain of than that my ex does not feel she has anything to "make up" to me and, in fact, believes that I am a villain who has done her wrong.

We're here because they *don't* miss us.

However, I will agree that they probably experience a lot of shame.

And to be "honest", they should. The way many BPDs treat others is in fact shameful.

[AllyCat7]

If you want he said call or stop by anytime and he relayed it's not a booty call.  Maybe a cuddle.

No, he didn't say stop by anytime. I wish he did! . He goes silent on me for like a whole week then he'll re-engage me via text. I've only seen him at most 2 times per month since he's moved to my city in August. When I invite him out or try to hang out with him, he always declines. It's always when he wants to (except on two occasions) and it's always last minute invites. I expected so much more and he promised me so much more... .  oh well. I know I should be more patient with him, but it's hard. It's so demoralizing the way he treats me  I know the intimacy is a struggle for him, but he won't let us be friends either. It's all or nothing with him. I want to be there as a friend. I think he needs a good female friend, as I don't think he trusts females.

Anyway, thanks for providing your insight. Maybe there's some truth to what you are telling us. If nothing else, you are helping us to see their actions from different viewpoints. Have a good night

[nowwhatz]

My ex is a total disaster.

She seemed almost suicidal the last few times I saw her and said she would not be around after 2013.

I think she is trying to recycle the unrecycle guy now. She cannot be alone but is running out of options and burned a lot of bridges with her crazy behavior.  He ex husband still helps her... .  he is hooked through guilt trips she puts on him.

I don't feel much sadness for her or anything. Kind of numb... .  even though I am sorry to say I have little hope for her to every be happy as she refuses to do any type of therapy.

[benny2]

Pretty sure mine is recycling his exwife. He lines one up before I'm even out of the picture

[Whatwasthat]

I know what he did immediately - he entered a relationship with an ex gf.

But I have no idea what he's doing now because we have no friends in common.

For a long time the question of how things would turn out for him REALLY bothered me. I think it's a fairly natural question to keep asking yourself about someone who - in my case (like that of many here) - turned my life upside down with such speed and ease - and then disappeared without a backward glance.

I always knew that because he'd come along at a vulnerable time in my life that a lot of the pain and distress I experienced was about that - but some time in T helped to re-inforce my sense that he definitely had a part to play too.

But this nagging question of 'how is his life going to turn out?' has really diminished over time. I don't think he's going to 'end up' anywhere at all. That sounds slightly odd - but let me explain.

I had such a strong image of him the other day in my head - on some tireless, fevered quest for the rest of his days - and (even though I'm not really a believer in reincarnation) - I saw  this unsatisfying quest going on into the next lifetime - and maybe the one after that (when perhaps some resolution might be achieved)! As I say - it doesn't matter if you're Buddhist or not - I think the point is that I realised that this man was not really someone who was close to peace or resolution or 'ending up' anywhere in particular at all. Also that the issues he was tackling were potentially bigger than the span of what can be resolved in a human lifetime. So I could stop fretting over how things would turn out for him - the question really ceased to be relevant

Now the other thing to say is that I do believe we are all 'works in progress' throughout our lives. It's important to keep learning and growing and developing and we never achieve 'perfection' and it's a mistake in my view to think that we might. What matters is the direction of travel. So I too expect to keep on a journey for as long as I live (if not longer!). I just have some faith that - thankfully - I have the capacity to make this a more peaceful process than my ex is capable of.

So I suppose I'm saying I can really relate to the need to ask the question in the title of this thread - but I can offer some reassurance that with time, T and reflection it will cease to be such a nagging concern.

[happiness68]

pattlicious - what you write here is as if you've written it about my ex.  Would you say this is typical BPD who is trying to push away for fear of abandonment?

You're ex may be filled with love and empathy for you.  He was genuine the whole time... .  i'm sure of.  Any hate was from fear of losing the connection.  He probably subconsciously pushed you away when all he wanted was to be near you.  He would give his life to have you in his arms.  I have a feeling.  He also probably has ALOT of shame and guilt over the things he said and did.  It sounds like he would make it up to you if you would let him.  He's a good guy that acts like an ass when insecure.

[LuckyEscapee]

I know what he did immediately - he entered a relationship with an ex gf.

Me too. His bed hardly seems to get cold! He was engaged to his ex straight away, but he lied repeatedly about being so. He bought her trust back with a ring, then took her money and lied to her to pay me back a fraction of what he owed me. No doubt he expected me to refuse it, after financing his life and poor decisions for 18mths. I took it back and he turned on me like a T-Rex.

He was 'preparing' others on line too. He appears to require multiple attendants. He is still with my replacement, and still telling me that she will never come close to me, that I am his soulmate? Complete nonsense! I really feel for what she is living/will live through. Wash, rinse, repeat.

[HarmKrakow]

For me the only healthy question which submerges from the depth of my peanut brain on the question;  How did your exBPD end up after? ...

Why do we care?

It can only cause more pain by 1) looking up and thinking; oh      she might have an awesome life now! 2) we are wasting our energy on something who sucked the energy out of us! 

[jdcthunder14]

For me the only healthy question which submerges from the depth of my peanut brain on the question;  How did your exBPD end up after? ...

Why do we care?

It can only cause more pain by 1) looking up and thinking; oh      she might have an awesome life now! 2) we are wasting our energy on something who sucked the energy out of us! 

I am with you harm... .  wondering how they are now at its heart is questioning yourself asking "what did I do wrong." I can speak for myself only of course but I didn't do anything wrong. Certainly nothing that deserved being lied to and then replaced 6 weeks after moving in with her. I didn't cause her illness, it was there long before I was and more than likely will be there long after.

[AllyCat7]

For me the only healthy question which submerges from the depth of my peanut brain on the question;  How did your exBPD end up after? ...

Why do we care?

It can only cause more pain by 1) looking up and thinking; oh      she might have an awesome life now! 2) we are wasting our energy on something who sucked the energy out of us! 

I think Rob is asking a question many of us do care about for good reason. Since the fate of BPD relationships are said to be mostly predestined to fail (or, at the very least, be wrought with extreme turmoil), it does help us to truly "get" that if we see that their patterns are repeating (or have repeated in the past). Since most of us are probably too hard on ourselves and may take more blame for the end of the r'ship than we should, it does alleviate some of that anxiety to know that it was more likely than not the BPD and not our actions that caused it. And considering most of us probably did nothing wrong (in the usual sense), that is a big relief. It will also help us to move on more quickly.

Just simply learning about BPD while still in my last relationship took SOO much pressure and anxiety off of me. It helped me to emotionally detach from my BFs weird behavior and also gave me the strength to walk away or get some space at crucial moments. If I didn't know about BPD, I would have been wracking my brain in a cloud of confusion and a total mess. Not to say that I didn't do that at all, but much less than if I was ignorant. Knowledge is power and that's all we want. I feel so sorry for people in r'ships with BPDs who don't know what they are dealing with.

[HarmKrakow]

For me the only healthy question which submerges from the depth of my peanut brain on the question;  How did your exBPD end up after? ...

Why do we care?

It can only cause more pain by 1) looking up and thinking; oh      she might have an awesome life now! 2) we are wasting our energy on something who sucked the energy out of us! 

I think Rob is asking a question many of us do care about for good reason. Since the fate of BPD relationships are said to be mostly predestined to fail (or, at the very least, be wrought with extreme turmoil), it does help us to truly "get" that if we see that their patterns are repeating (or have repeated in the past). Since most of us are probably too hard on ourselves and may take more blame for the end of the r'ship than we should, it does alleviate some of that anxiety to know that it was more likely than not the BPD and not our actions that caused it. And considering most of us probably did nothing wrong (in the usual sense), that is a big relief. It will also help us to move on more quickly.

The problem is, how much of that information do you gather from one FB page? What does a -x- on a photo say? Or a "awwwwwwww" ... we in our emotional status when checking a BPDer his/hers FB can over-analyze everything. If you can get the information from FB that you can see the BPD repeating the same mistakes and therefore you can get closure that is good! However, i'm not so sure if you can get that information from social media, as you only get half the picture drawn and your emotions/brain will paint in the rest to your own liking. And if, at that point, your not feeling to well, you might put it back on you again!

There is a sensible story for both sides of the coin on this one

Just simply learning about BPD while still in my last relationship took SOO much pressure and anxiety off of me. It helped me to emotionally detach from my BFs weird behavior and also gave me the strength to walk away or get some space at crucial moments. If I didn't know about BPD, I would have been wracking my brain in a cloud of confusion and a total mess. Not to say that I didn't do that at all, but much less than if I was ignorant. Knowledge is power and that's all we want. I feel so sorry for people in r'ships with BPDs who don't know what they are dealing with.

Fully agree.

[Faded]

I can chime in on this one as its been 14 years since me and childs mother parted ways.

The person she left me for, so in effect was seeing him weeks before our relationship was physically or verbally ended. Lining herself up and getting comfortable.

within a month or 2 that r/s went badly wrong, and i do mean badly wrong.

Violence, property being smashed/vandalised and an overdose - all carried out by my replacement!

He ended up in a mental hospital and i dont know what happened after that with him.

Just after that whirlwind romance she tried to re-attach herself to me with the verbal intent of possibly working things out.

i was clearly suffering form the events and was in no way healthy enough or accepting of what happened( i didnt know this at the time as i was clutching to any straws i could, i was fighting for my families future)

By me comforting her during splitting up with replacement almost gave her the green card again to be dismissive of me, dismissive of my positiveness towards her, dismissive of the pain caused to me.

So another replacement was on the cards within 6 months, and to this day they are still together.

Have 2 children of their own and are married.

It really isnt my place to have any interest in their lives but having a child i get to hear a fair bit about them.

Like the £4000 debt they are in.

To combat the debt and the bad feeling that goes with being in debt, they have juist purchased a new car because the old one broke down and when that happened the ex broke down. Hence husband with a few days buying a new car probably worth around £7000.

In 3 weeks they go on holiday abroad and they have £100 saved for a family of 5 for a week!

Guess the credit card is going to get an hammering again!

Anyway, none of this is my problem so i dont have worry about, i only have to hear about it.

Im not dancing with glee in their misery and it doesnt really tickle me one way or the other.

They seem comfortable and committed but i think itll take a lot more than that as outside influences like debt will takes its toll.

Again that is their issue but if they fail all that will affect our child so i do hope they can manage themselves better for the future for the childrens sake.

If you want a personal insight into my ex BPD herself then check out a thread i started over a year ago titled something alone the lines of 'oops, think i found something i shouldnt of'

so with the knowledge we parted ways 14 years ogo, in 2011 the ex raged hard at me and i was painted black. She claims shes lonely, her husband is never there etc etc

Its a real good insight into the real mindset during a rage and with a person with a PD. She tries to expose others in the painting black but in reality they are showing the reality of who they are, a part of them that they cannot hide.


I still feel sad about what happened to us as a family but im long past the pain of her actions, she can own them actions and live with them. i will continue to live my life with integrity and with a much better perspective of the bigger picture.

[PrettyPlease]

I think Rob is asking a question many of us do care about for good reason. Since the fate of BPD relationships are said to be mostly predestined to fail (or, at the very least, be wrought with extreme turmoil), it does help us to truly "get" that if we see that their patterns are repeating (or have repeated in the past)

Agreed. About two years after my first BPD relationship ended, I ended up in conversation with her new partner, who was just about to call it quits.

It was a serious  moment for both of us, as we compared notes and not only did the overall pattern seem similar, but exact phrasings of what she had accused us of were identical; identical words. In both cases there were things about our intentions that we were accused of that we were fairly sure weren't true, but we were doubting ourselves. It clicked during that conversation: there's something seriously wrong with this person.

This was decades before I ever heard of BPD, and it was important to me in two things: not recycling fully again with that partner, and being able to set my boundaries earlier with the next two BPDs. 

Now, if I could have understood MYSELF better at that point, I wouldn't even have gotten into the next two r/s at all. But at least I had some knowledge about what patterns to look out for and not accept.

So I think knowing about the patterns, and how BPD people repeat them, is very valuable.

And so is knowing our own, and how we repeat them.   

This site seems like a goldmine to me, for both things.


PrettyPlease

[LuckyEscapee]

but exact phrasings of what she had accused us of were identical; identical words.

I once nearly walked in on a Skype session my pwBPDex was having with my soon to be replacement, and he was saying the exact same words to her (on various topics) as he said originally to me... .  exactly, in exactly the same tone even. It was like hearing a script. By this stage I was wanting out anyhow, and had already suspected as much. i made some noise and he cut her off and then totally lied about it being a friend. Honestly I think he must have thought me completely stupid at times. I had long ceased calling him out on his behaviour/lies as it always led to his continuous rages, where the only one who seemed to suffer was me. That never helped/ changed his behaviour.

I was dumbfounded (before I realised he was uBPD) why he didn't want a clean adult end, either dump me, or let me walk away. We should have been able to be friends, but instead he lied, he cheated, he harassed, and he very near broke me. Sorry, back to the point. His repeat exact behaviour and words was eery  

[PrettyPlease]

but exact phrasings of what she had accused us of were identical; identical words.

Sorry, back to the point. His repeat exact behaviour and words was eery  

I agree, eerie. Do you think it could be evidence of a serious mental disorder?   

And I think it's fair to post stories of this in this thread, since the OP asked for stories of what will happen later to the pwBPD. Evidently, not only more of the same, but maybe even exactly the same. It is strange.

Makes my mind churn with needing to understand. 

But I guess that's for another thread.

[AllyCat7]

For me the only healthy question which submerges from the depth of my peanut brain on the question;  How did your exBPD end up after? ...

Why do we care?

It can only cause more pain by 1) looking up and thinking; oh      she might have an awesome life now! 2) we are wasting our energy on something who sucked the energy out of us! 

I think Rob is asking a question many of us do care about for good reason. Since the fate of BPD relationships are said to be mostly predestined to fail (or, at the very least, be wrought with extreme turmoil), it does help us to truly "get" that if we see that their patterns are repeating (or have repeated in the past). Since most of us are probably too hard on ourselves and may take more blame for the end of the r'ship than we should, it does alleviate some of that anxiety to know that it was more likely than not the BPD and not our actions that caused it. And considering most of us probably did nothing wrong (in the usual sense), that is a big relief. It will also help us to move on more quickly.

The problem is, how much of that information do you gather from one FB page? What does a -x- on a photo say? Or a "awwwwwwww" ... we in our emotional status when checking a BPDer his/hers FB can over-analyze everything. If you can get the information from FB that you can see the BPD repeating the same mistakes and therefore you can get closure that is good! However, i'm not so sure if you can get that information from social media, as you only get half the picture drawn and your emotions/brain will paint in the rest to your own liking. And if, at that point, your not feeling to well, you might put it back on you again!

There is a sensible story for both sides of the coin on this one

Just simply learning about BPD while still in my last relationship took SOO much pressure and anxiety off of me. It helped me to emotionally detach from my BFs weird behavior and also gave me the strength to walk away or get some space at crucial moments. If I didn't know about BPD, I would have been wracking my brain in a cloud of confusion and a total mess. Not to say that I didn't do that at all, but much less than if I was ignorant. Knowledge is power and that's all we want. I feel so sorry for people in r'ships with BPDs who don't know what they are dealing with.

Fully agree.

Oh I didn't think he was referring to checking social media and assuming how they're doing, but asking people who actually knew how their exes were doing in real life. We hear so much about how their love lives are doomed. Would be interesting to know if it's actually true... .  just sayin 

Btw, this is not to say I hope my exes' love lives are doomed. I hope all of them find happiness. I loved them tremendously and the last two (the BPDers) I am very protective of and wish the best for. The thought of them never finding true love breaks my heart.

[charred]

When I mentioned what my exBPDgf was doing... it was based on real life... my last conversation with her was this afternoon (unfortunately.) She had a lot of negative things to say to me... but not being with her anymore... I feel better.

[nolisan]

Well my exBPD left town when I was away on a weekend intensive rehab.

We were together for almost a year. She had been divorced from her hub for 5 years. She had left him because he was a sex addict (internet affairs and porn) and abusive.

Early on I confessed that I also used porn - had since i was a teenager. She said "fine ... .  just don't ask me to view it together". She said I was different because I wasn't in denial.

As our intimacy grew I felt that my use of porn was not consistent with a committed relationship and decided to change. I started to go to SAA meetings and got clean of porn. Our intimacy felt SO much better until ... .  suddenly she said my admitting I was a sex addict traumatized her ... .  the love making stopped.

I asked "what happened? ... .  you were OK when I was "sick" ... .  now I'm clean. I did this for us ... .  for you, for me ... .  now I feel like I am being punished for doing something right". She agreed that was what is seemed like but would not discuss further.

When I came back from the weekend retreat feeling really good ... .  she was gone. She had moved back in with her abusive sex addict hubi. Turns out they were never divorced.

I actually feel for this guy. He never got over her AND then took her back in. They were together for 5 years so he knows what he is getting back into. Poor bugger ... .  but better him than me.

I won't be too surprised if I hear from her again when she starts to hate him again. She told me once that she believed that a marriage could have more than 2 people in it ... .  her, me and her hubi ?

Not in this lifetime!

[nolisan]

One thing that I read was that BPD symptoms and manifestations can intensify in a woman during menopause. My ex was 47 - I expect her condition to get worse as she goes through the life change.