The Best "Leaving" advice for others: please help.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I think the best advice is "do no harm" and I really tried to leave with love.  It doesn't matter if the person you are leaving (or who is leaving you) has a mental illness or not because at the end of the day everyone deserves kindness.  I would also say don't second guess yourself and try to make it work (one more time). 

When self esteem has been shattered the first step in picking up the pieces is being true to ourselves. Shine your love and kindness inward.  Reach out to family and friends and don't isolate yourself.  Allow yourself to remember the joy without making excuses for the abuse.  And most importantly, give yourself permission to grieve.  Grieve for what is lost, what will never be, and for what never really was.  Seek your own truth and have the courage to make changes that may be painful.  Leave for you... .  do it for you. 

tailspin

Tailspin, your words absolutely spoke to my core tonight.  My husband is watching the Super Bowl with friends, and I just came from my parents.  I intend to stay there permanently, starting Tuesday night.  We have no children, thankfully, but we have been married over a decade, so this has been brutally hard on me.  I have moved a few things there a little at a time.  When I was driving home tonight, although I feel much stronger than I did four weeks ago, I began to have lots of pangs and sadness... .  for all that will be lost, the dismantling of our lives, leaving the cottage and gorgeous gardens that I love so much.  I am going to print your words and keep them close.  I needed to hear them.  Thank you.

[atcrossroads]

I think the best advice is "do no harm" and I really tried to leave with love.  It doesn't matter if the person you are leaving (or who is leaving you) has a mental illness or not because at the end of the day everyone deserves kindness.  I would also say don't second guess yourself and try to make it work (one more time). 

When self esteem has been shattered the first step in picking up the pieces is being true to ourselves. Shine your love and kindness inward.  Reach out to family and friends and don't isolate yourself.  Allow yourself to remember the joy without making excuses for the abuse.  And most importantly, give yourself permission to grieve.  Grieve for what is lost, what will never be, and for what never really was.  Seek your own truth and have the courage to make changes that may be painful.  Leave for you... .  do it for you. 

tailspin

Tailspin, your words absolutely spoke to my core tonight.  My husband is watching the Super Bowl with friends, and I just came from my parents.  I intend to stay there permanently, starting Tuesday night.  We have no children, thankfully, but we have been married over a decade, so this has been brutally hard on me.  I have moved a few things there a little at a time.  When I was driving home tonight, although I feel much stronger than I did four weeks ago, I began to have lots of pangs and sadness... .  for all that will be lost, the dismantling of our lives, leaving the cottage and gorgeous gardens that I love so much.  I am going to print your words and keep them close.  I needed to hear them.  Thank you.

[JDoe]

Each responder has shared something wise!  What I would add is that nobody will leave the relationship until they are strong enough and have learned that they are.

For me, it was 20 years of mental, emotional, and verbal abuse.  But when I left, I walked out knowing that I had done every thing that I could possibly do.  He was broken and I could not help him.  One of my bosses likened our marriage to a double-drowning.  BPDXH was drowning in his illness (and addictions that he used to numb his feelings).  If I stayed, I would drown as well.  It was best for us both for me to disengage (not easily done, until I saw how very sick he was) and to save myself.

People who do summon up the strength and courage to leave, especially from a long-term relationship, need to have a good support system and to speak about their abuse.  It loses power when it is brought out in to the light. 

If I had not found this website, a true God-send, and spoken/written about what my life was like, I might still be there.  I felt like nobody in my life would believe how bad it was, or would give me empty advice, as they had not been there and didn't understand.

Lastly, if you are going to leave, go!  Don't threaten or warn them.  If your mind is made up, don't allow them to confuse or FOG you, or to physically stop you (my XH took my keys and purse and phone, more than once, to keep me from leaving).  Get your important documents together and go!  Nothing is worth suffering for the rest of your life.  The BPD sufferer, outside of counseling and being invested in getting better, cannot love you since they do not love themself.

For me, thinking about what my life would be like if I spent another 20 years with XH was enough to keep me gone.

[morningagain]

if you are going to leave, go!  :)on't threaten or warn them.  If your mind is made up, don't allow them to confuse or FOG you, or to physically stop you

Amen to this advice.  Each situation is different, but this was absolutely true for me.  Previously, she had tried to stop me physically and with FOG, and when I left in her presence, she ended up O.D.-ing on prescription meds.  Prior to that the FOG was intense if I showed any intent to leave (in reality or her perception).  Another time earlier in the relationship with no threat of my leaving - when our relationship still seemed strong - she had O.D.'d.  In the last year of being together (8 yrs together total) I had even packed and started driving a couple times, unbeknownst to her, and all it took was a kind phone call and I turned around.  We each have to prepare as best we can and find the right moment.  Leaving with a "mutual understanding" is just not possible or probable in some of our relationships.  Sometimes the attempt to do so in a mutually mature fashion can trigger the worst possible outcome.  In my case, I saw staying had the greatest potential of catalyzing a serious suicide attempt by her, and even though I understood my act of leaving could trigger the worst, I made the best and only decision I could make at the time given the state of the relationship and its inexorable progression to new and uncharted, mind-breaking lows, her present state, my present state (both of our states reflected the state and direction of the relationship).  She was with other people - perhaps her boyfriend - but in any event she was not alone.  My belief was that she was probably with her boyfriend, and that belief was one of many that helped propel me and kept me driving.

Prepare as best you can muster.  But by all means, leave when you can.  Staying is no solution or preventative measure for anything and is helpful to nobody if YOU are that compromised or if the relationship is that compromised.

[TeaAmongRoses]

My ex was probably on the NPD side of the spectrum and also verbally abusive. He therefore did not want to leave and "refused" multiple attempts to break up.

Therefore, for me to get out of the relationship once and for all, I found that I had to stop providing "narcissitic supply" if that's the right terminology. I was in therapy and was learning to get in touch with my own needs and stand my ground. He found my newfound independence quite problemmatic and when I finally got to the end of my rope, he left willingly after I told him I couldn't do it anymore.

After he left he found the book "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" and self-diagnosed as BPD. I found out about it on the internet and discovered "no contact" as the best approach to breaking up and shortly thereafter we went no contact. It has been eight years of that and it has gone well.

However, after separating, I went into an emotional tailspin of depression and generally being a nervous wreck. Not having someone to "fix" or the chaos of the relationship left me without solid footing. Also, the relationship had lasted 12 years and started when I was 19 and therefore it was all I knew for my adult life. Also, I believe my mom has a personality disorder, so I had lived masked and as a pleaser most my childhood as well.

What finally helped me most to recover from the relationship and get back onto solid ground personally was, in this order: 1. a support group for women in abusive relationships 2. Get treatment for post traumatic stress disorer (EMDR) 3. Get personal therapy where it was advised I get into another relationship to heal my attachment issues. 4. Fin a suitable partner who helped me feel safe and secure with my own family, home, etc 5. Learn about being a Highly Sensitive Person and how to accept myslef with my limitations and vulnerabilities. 

[WillyD]

A BIT OF HISTORY…...

I’m exactly one month into NC after a highly dysfunctional 3-year r/s with an udBPDxgf. I knew there was something wrong right at the start but she was so intelligent, funny, sexy and attentive to me (at times) that I overlooked the negatives. As things progressed her behaviors became more and more egregious (being devalued, blamed for everything, stalked, hit, spat on, house broken into, gifts returned destroyed, witnessing rage and self-harm etc…) but I “normalized” these behaviors over time. I convinced myself that I could easily detach when I eventually wanted to and even pushed her away at times by dating others. But I ALWAYS came back to her.

What I didn’t realize was that I had become so enmeshed in this r/s that I couldn’t leave her. I was hooked, trauma bonded, co-dependent, Stockholm syndrome victim …… whatever you want to call it!

ADVICE FOR DETACHING …...

For me the “real” detachment process was enabled by seeing a good therapist. The r/s had become so toxic (we were both sleeping with other people but coming back to each other and her self-harm was now occurring on a regular basis) that I knew I needed outside professional help.

Fortunately for me, my T had treated BPD before and in the first session he informed me that it sounded like I had a BPD partner. I had never heard of it before. I told her this and she denied it vehemently saying I was the one who was nuts.

The second step was to inform myself. I read 2 of Randi’s books and “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” and found bpdfamily.com.

The third step was to talk to my family and friends and start doing things with them again. They were very supportive with me. Also I am taking my T’s advice and staying out of any other romantic relationships for now. This I intend on sticking with until I feel normal and healthy again. It could take many months?

As a sanity check, I took the unusual step of contacting my udBPDxgf’s ex-husband via email. He was painted to me as an abusive monster by her. I had never met or spoken with him in the past and he lived far away. He called me back and we spoke for nearly 2 hours on the phone. I didn’t say a word to him about BPD but he mentioned it right away and told me both he and his divorce attorney believed she was BPD. He had gone through hell with her as well. This helped me tremendously and made me believe that NC was the only way I could get my life back.

The last and most difficult step was to actually go NC. It ain’t easy and I still struggle with it mightily. That’s why I keep coming back to this message board. I also have written reasons not to go back in the Notes on my iPhone. Whenever I have an overwhelming urge to contact her, I read those notes again or I come back here and read the Articles and/or Message boards or I call a friend who knows what I went through and talk it out.

Good luck everyone … this is a great community... .  thanks!

[mamachelle]

For those discouraged about not being able to take the step of actually leaving, all I can say is that up to now, you probably haven't been ready. You will know when you are and there will be no doubts, and odds are that everything will change in one day.

Can you say what she did, or make up something similar so the same point is made?

I can say for me it happened when my best friend from 8th grade mentioned that she had many of the same issues as my  then BPDH. She was once dx as a possible BPD. She said to me, "I can't drive without getting a ticket practically. I'm rude and selfish sometimes. I have problems with my identity. But you know he may have these problems but he is just is not committed to you or your kids. " I am paraphrasing here but I know my friend was saying that the illness was real and just being able to name it did not in any way mitigate the way he was treating me. I was in danger. The kids were in danger. He had ruined my finances. i had forgiven his affair. I had done so much and he could not even support me in my career or in parenting. He wanted to move us across the country. He wanted my dad to give us money. The list got longer and he was in no way capable of changing in therapy.

It was also a wounded animal moment with BPDH where he looked at me with all the pain of a wounded lion or whatever animal you think and said, " I thought you could fix me. I thought you could fix me... .  "

It did happen in an instant and I've never looked back. I know I may be an exception, but there is a great song by  Michelle Shocked "The secret to a long life is knowing when it's time to go... .  "

[rogerroger]

If you are finding the process of leaving difficult, then you have almost certainly made multiple attempts to salvage the relationship. For many of us, even after we are out, we find ourselves second-guessing ourselves, wondering whether a change of behavior on our part, or a change of situation, or a little more persistence might result in the success that has eluded us. It is important to realize that in the vast majority of cases, the cause is truly lost. It can be very very hard to accept this. Thoughts that begin, "couldn't we just... .  ?" or "maybe if I... .  ?" or "what if... .  ?" are attempts by your emotions to lure you from wishful thinking to ill-considered actions. Because a pwBPD will often actively try to convince you that "things will be different this time because... .  " one of the best rules you can adopt after you leave is the no contact rule (as many here have suggested). In most cases, the only reason for contact is a desire by one or both parties to try again. Search as hard as you can for success stories where a second-chance (or a thousandth-chance) didn't end up back in the same destructive cycle; almost without exception, the only successes involve a real commitment to intense therapy by one or both parties. So if you feel the temptation to try just one more time, it should only be because the pwBPD has been making real progress in therapy (a promise to do so isn't enough).

[WillyD]

rogerroger,

That is very sound advice ... .  only go back if a real attempt at therapy, with signs of positive results, is actually underway.

Even then, make damn sure it's what you really want. There's plenty of fish in the sea and not all of them are so difficult to be with.

[texas.moxie]

Plan your exit and be very, very careful.

BPD's have an innate ability to "read" people or maybe it's just that they are always paranoid. Even when I operated with spy-like stealth the EXBPDbf figured out I was preparing to leave.

THEY CAN READ YOUR MIND.  You won't have as much time as you think.  Assume BPD will try and stop you.  Possibly by force but more likely through manipulation by holding your precious keepsakes as hostage.

Priorize your belongings in order to insure the safety of irreplaceable items - such as photos.  Can you leave things with a freind or rent a storage unit? 

Be prepared for a quick get-away.  Bank books, passport, deeds, etc.  Consider opening a new checking account in your name only and putting as much of your cash there as possible.

The Ex once took my driver's lisence and credit cards out of my wallet to prevent me from getting on a plane.

[flatspin]

Dear Randy,

At first, I won't be very original but I'm saying this out of a deep feeling of gratefulness, I would like to thank you for your books SWOE. Along with this priceless forum, they have spared me countless sufferings and painful personal questionings whereas the root of the problem betwen my beloved future ex-wife (who is American) and I was elsewhere. The fruitage of your patient and thoughtful work and selfless dedication to others has enabled me to save my mental and emotional sanity. I don't dare imagining where I would be and in what state I would be if I hadn't read all the unvaluable information available in your books or here on this forum. I'm grateful that your book may have been translated in French, my mother tongue, so that I could buy it and have my close relatives read it and thus understand better my wife's reactions and stand back from what meets the eye. Hadn't the French translation of your book have existed, I would never have been able to explain in plain words so well what my relatives read therein. In that regard, there is nothing available in my country, as far as I know, whether it is through books or forums, so helpful, serious and pertinent as what we can find in the USA.

As for your question, although I was served with divorce papers and am still waiting for the decision of the hearing which took place about two months ago, I'd say that "leaving the right way" was for me to find peace... .  I didn't want to leave but had to because that decision wasn't mine and was therefore imposed upon me. I found ways in your books and here to find peace, freedom from resentment or from guilt. I leave in peace. I don't even need to spend hours here on this forum anymore, reading other's posts and sharing my feelings and short experience with others.

Of course, peace doesn't mean that pain is absent and that love is dead but a page has been turned, a loss has been mourned and I can say peacefully that, although that sentence may sound terrible : "I don't care anymore." As I read in a book about co-dependency: "Let God and let go".

Understanding the innermost meaning of that quotation was for me the key to peace. There was nothing I could have done to avoid what happened and whatever else I would have done, it would have ended up the same. I may have regrets but I don't have remorse. I can't change the past or the present respecting my marriage so I'm focusing now my attention on how I want my future to be built, with or without her. I did what I could and when I could do it. Her friends and family told me that they could tell that I had really done my utmost and that I could go back to France in peace... .  which I did and have been feeling till now.