Faulty thinking

[really]

Well I think im on the upswing again now.     I have intellectualised a lot of info on this website but getting it to register in my heart has been difficult

Why?

1 I didn't keep up with therapy - that will change

2 I have held on to many of the false beliefs

3 I have blamed myself - bought into her gaslighting and smear campaign.

4 I made the mistake of looking at her FB page and saw pictures of her draped over my replacement.   Thought maybe it was me.

I read the worship on idealisation to devaluation again last night and saw every aspect of our relationship in the messages from that.    The lonely child / abandoned child stuff really hit home

I'm sure she will repeat the cycle in the future.    I am still hurt but need to focus completely on me now.  Been a long time coming but today it starts

For anyone still rehashing things in their head I encourage you to read that article and 2010s posts on this site.   

Thanks to all for sharing their insights.  Would have gone even madder but for this site.

 

[HarmKrakow]

Well I think im on the upswing again now.     I have intellectualised a lot of info on this website but getting it to register in my heart has been difficult

Why?

1 I didn't keep up with therapy - that will change

2 I have held on to many of the false beliefs

3 I have blamed myself - bought into her gaslighting and smear campaign.

4 I made the mistake of looking at her FB page and saw pictures of her draped over my replacement.   Thought maybe it was me.

I read the worship on idealisation to devaluation again last night and saw every aspect of our relationship in the messages from that.    The lonely child / abandoned child stuff really hit home

I'm sure she will repeat the cycle in the future.    I am still hurt but need to focus completely on me now.  Been a long time coming but today it starts

For anyone still rehashing things in their head I encourage you to read that article and 2010s posts on this site.   

Thanks to all for sharing their insights.  Would have gone even madder but for this site.

 

Good that we are progressing no? At weak moments i do the same and realize what we had was all a bunch of bull.

[really]

Now tonight I feel like I don't want to go on.    But for knowing what that would do to my family I frankly would end it.    If there was an off switch and I knew that wouldn't hurt anyone else I would use it.   This woman has messed me up very very badly.    I was so forgiving so understanding so patient when she betrayed me.   Begged for my forgiveness.  gave it in spades then she just cuts me off just at the point I thought the difficult times were behind us.   

I have never done more for anyone in my life or treated so badly.   

I can't turn my justifiable anger on her I turn it on myself.   I am utterly utterly broken

[clairedair]

Hi really

I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting so badly.

I haven't read your other posts so I don't know the background but in some ways it's not necessary as most people here will identify straight away with what you are saying.  The betrayal, confusion, anger and devastating feelings of brokenness.  And we experience this whilst still loving them because we don't just change how we feel overnight!

You said in your earlier post that you needed to concentrate completely on yourself.  That's the best way forward but it's not easy so also forgive yourself if you can't always keep this up.  When you've been "messed up very very badly" it will take time to heal. 

Be kind to yourself.

clairedair

[really]

Thanks Claire.   It's been over a year though.   It is so many broken dreams.   The promise of a family together.   I know I don't have to tell others here what the isealization phase was like.   Seeing her In that phase with my replacement having her tell me she loves him more than anything or anyone.    It just plain bloody hurts.   This one hurts more than the break up of my 7 year marriage (12 year relationship).   

I honestly want to stop. 

[really]

What would help me guys right now if for someone to read some of my earlier posts and reinforce that it wasn't me.   I can't get in to see a therapist for a few weeks.   I need some help before then.    Sorry to ask of others also in pain but perhaps someone who has managed to move on better than I have could comment on my specific situation.    I had so much rage and hurtful comments directed at me that I'm starting to believe them. 

[GustheDog]

Hey really - I feel you.  I struggle with this daily, too.  And even though I'm nearly 100% beyond blaming myself, I still have faulty thinking and false hope that we'll resume our relationship and things will be just dandy again!

I have a working document that I read whenever I am having a hard time.  It's a compilation of posts from this board and other research/info that I've found especially salient or helpful.  You, or anyone else, should feel free to PM me if you'd like me to email it to you. 

I know that it always makes me conclude that it had absolutely nothing to do with me - I was just unavoidable collateral damage.

[clairedair]

Hi really

I'm not the best person to answer your questions as I am feeling pretty low myself but I wanted to tell you that I've just read a post started by Careman that I found useful.  Not sure how do to the link thing but the post is called - "sharing what helped me detach"

I take responsibility for some of my pain because I chose to re-engage knowing that it was probable that he would repeat the pattern (and so i was repeating a pattern too).  however, I separate that from seeing that 'it wasn't me' - I know in my head that so much of what has happened was not about me and that I can't really take it personally.  Having said that, there are times when my resilience is low that it sure feels personal.  I am much better at not believing the comments but they do have a corrosive effect over time.  

I have to stop posting just now so I hope there are others "who have managed to move on better" that can reply to you.

take care,

Clairedair

[cal644]

I've struggled lately too but find myself getting better everyday.  We have to realize that it is not us.  The things my wife said to me also had me thinking about if everything was my fault, if I really was this horrible person who she made me out to be.  But then I started realizing the facts and noticed how everything she was projecting onto me where actually her failings and shortcommings.  I knew that our friends and family knew that.  But somewhere in her mind her issues became my problems (at least in her own warped mind).  Just keep telling yourslef - it is not me, she is mentally ill, i will be happier.  Trust me it hurts - I still have my days. But you will make it through this.

[HarmKrakow]

What would help me guys right now if for someone to read some of my earlier posts and reinforce that it wasn't me.   I can't get in to see a therapist for a few weeks.   I need some help before then.    Sorry to ask of others also in pain but perhaps someone who has managed to move on better than I have could comment on my specific situation.    I had so much rage and hurtful comments directed at me that I'm starting to believe them.  

Mate, I can honestly say that i've been there, back and forth and been in that same     ing rollercoaster. I also wanted to end my life. I've had it. Completely, I could not understand how someone can 1) step over you as you never existed 2) put all the blame on yourself and has no feeling of empathy 3) blames you for not understanding her feelings.

I can not understand how she can walk away from something SO awesome we had. It was soo intoxicating. She wanted to marry me, she wanted to have kids, all that. And all out of a sudden, it was gone, like it never     ing existed. The pain, the crying, all my sparks in my body to make something out of my life was gone. I didn't want to see my friends anymore, nor my family, all I wanted was just to see her. My gf. Every attempt I tried she got more angry, she started raging like mad. And I got myself more and more.

And you know what. I thought after a while, it was ALL MY FAULT! I went to 1 shrink, and i still got so crazy that I started seeing another one. I did all sorts of psychological tests to check if I was the CRAZY one. Is it me? Am I the     ed up one? We did those tests ... and it came out blank. There is nothing wrong with me besides the fact that the shrink said i'm some sort of pain-liking weirdo (opposite of masochist). So nothing essential. My BPD gf just filled in such a deep void inside me and then the promises of marriage, a family, living together and poof, it was gone. GONE!. I started up looking ways to kill myself, I did. I never felt this way, i've had breakups but the way I survived other NORMAL breakups of a r/s was to focus my attention to the rest of my life, career and friends. And now that spark is gone and I still don't feel it.

And I still struggle, every day, with the question, why would I not end it? I've lost friends over this BPD relationship, i've lost ~loads of money over this relationship, I blew up a part of my career due to this relationship, I had to move in with my parents again due to this relationship, I was physically and mentally not capable of doing any work. I lied in bed, cried, read a lot of posts and material here. The sheer impossibility of not understanding what the      went wrong and not understanding how someone, mentally, can just 'switch' their head and move on? Like seriously! I've lost all my passion in my life, I don't eat enough, I don't drink enough and I'm right on track to throw my career away for good. My friends were like, dude, What the heck is wrong with you? It's just a r/s! You have been there, been through this process before. Well, I have, however, the girl in question was a sane normal woman. She was a healthy woman, I don't blame my gf w BPD, I don't she couldnt help it what has happened to her life. She really can't. However I blame myself superbly, I blame myself for not being able to see the 51239.4 million red flags in this relationship and yes. The loneliness     ing hurts. 16 months ago I was on top of the world, fantastic career, everything went as it should have gone and then, on top of my life, professionally, socially, I meet this girl who I literally saw as the final straw to have a perfect life. I thought I had it all! 16 months later (now), I don't have a job anymore, I ~ed up every study/exam I tried in the mean time, I've lost most of my friends out of my social life and I don't fancy life anymore.

I feel like I don't matter for this world anymore and I often when I go to bed at night I think, ~ it, i wouldnt mind not being there anymore the next day.

So what did I do to get a little bit better? Exactly what I'm doing here. I need to write of my     ed up emotions and such> i really have to. I've had it with life but I want to realize and acknowledge that i was NOT the crazy one and although she blames me for everything and I still feel I'm the one responsible that this relationship broke down. And due to her mirrorization, all my things I liked in the PAST, make me PUKE. It all reminds me of her...

So whats my plan now? I start a job in a new town, 50 h/w and actually quite a top notch international employer. I seriously see this as a final chance.

[Changed4safety]

Careman's post on detaching is wonderfully healing.  Last night I did something that also helped me; I simply googled "Borderline personality disorder relationships" and read the same thing... .  over and over again... .  basically, my relationship.  Sometimes it takes a while for things to sink in, for me at least, and something went   

How can it possibly be me when it's the very nature of this disease?  Incident after incident--with different people reporting all the same things, sometimes down to the same phrases--how can WE be the problems?  It's actually kind of arrogant for me to think -I- wasn't the one who couldn't make it work!  Very liberating! 

I still hurt, I still, yesterday, passionately wished I had died before being devalued and cheated on; I'd have been happy.  I still wish things were different.  I still toy with the idea of giving it "one more shot," but that lasts a shorter and shorter period of time before I realize that -nothing I could do would make a difference.-  I've already done everything I could have.  I tried it all.  The only option I would have would be radical acceptance of the situation, and as the situation included physical harm... .  I simply cannot do that.  I can't even deal with the verbal and mental abuse any more. 

[cal644]

I was in the same boat - I wish I would have died when she still "loved me".  At first I tried everything to get us back to who we were - but she did not want to take even a first step.  Wanted to be friends but wouldn't want to go out and eat. Refused marriage counciling, refused getting on medcation, refused to give up her new "friend" and would rather lose her family over a "friendship".  It took me a long time to realize I gave it my all - but there is not a damn thing I can do to help her (which I did for 19 yrs).  so I needed to help myself.  The toughest part for me was how much time I had and didn't know what to do with it.  90% of my day was giving into her demands... cleaning, cooking, spending time with the kids, and working.  So i took up some things I always wanted to do that I realized she held me back from.  Plus I hate to say it - but after the breakup I probably spend 200 hours trying to figure it all out... .  then I found BPD and the picture became so clear... .  thank God for sites like this and all the info on the internet and my theropist ... or else I would have never figured it out

[Phoenix.Rising]

I'm very sorry you are hurting so badly.  This is tough stuff, for sure.  If your ex has BPD, she is mentally ill.  She was not capable of fulfilling your dreams and hopes.  She is not capable of fulfilling them with her new host. 

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... not a good idea.  Remember, this too shall pass.  Feelings are temporary.  Ending your life is permanent.  If you still continue to feel this way, please call the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255. 

Maybe your T can suggest some anti-depressant medication?  Take that love you felt for her and turn it towards yourself!  YOU are worthy of having a good life.  YOU can make changes.  It is unlikely that your ex will change.

[ThrownAway]

Mate, I can honestly say that i've been there, back and forth and been in that same     ing rollercoaster. I also wanted to end my life. I've had it. Completely, I could not understand how someone can 1) step over you as you never existed 2) put all the blame on yourself and has no feeling of empathy 3) blames you for not understanding her feelings.

So what did I do to get a little bit better? Exactly what I'm doing here. I need to write of my     ed up emotions and such> i really have to. I've had it with life but I want to realize and acknowledge that i was NOT the crazy one and although she blames me for everything and I still feel I'm the one responsible that this relationship broke down. And due to her mirrorization, all my things I liked in the PAST, make me PUKE. It all reminds me of her...

This is exactly what I'm going through, it's been 3 months since she painted me black and I'm still hurting so much.  She had been pushing to get married 1 month before the end.  We have not spoken once in the 3 months since... .  This is unfathomable to me.  How can a person do such a thing?  How could I be in love with such a monster?  I wasn't ready to marry her at that point as we were still having so much conflict.  Was my gut feeling something that my heart could not? 

Trying to find joy in all the things I liked in the past has been one of the worst parts of this.  She's connected to EVERYTHING.  I have no idea how to deal with this.  Being betrayed by someone in such a ruthless manner while still being in love with them is horrific.  I know you all understand just how I feel and it pains me to know others are suffering the same hurt I am.  Hang in there guys.  We will endure.  Somehow.  Someway.  She wasn't real, but the tears I've shed while writing this sure are... .  

[ThrownAway]

Mate, I can honestly say that i've been there, back and forth and been in that same     ing rollercoaster. I also wanted to end my life. I've had it. Completely, I could not understand how someone can 1) step over you as you never existed 2) put all the blame on yourself and has no feeling of empathy 3) blames you for not understanding her feelings.

So what did I do to get a little bit better? Exactly what I'm doing here. I need to write of my     ed up emotions and such> i really have to. I've had it with life but I want to realize and acknowledge that i was NOT the crazy one and although she blames me for everything and I still feel I'm the one responsible that this relationship broke down. And due to her mirrorization, all my things I liked in the PAST, make me PUKE. It all reminds me of her...

This is exactly what I'm going through, it's been 3 months since she painted me black and I'm still hurting so much.  She had been pushing to get married 1 month before the end.  We have not spoken once in the 3 months since... .  This is unfathomable to me.  How can a person do such a thing?  How could I be in love with such a monster?  I wasn't ready to marry her at that point as we were still having so much conflict.  Was my gut feeling something that my heart could not? 

Trying to find joy in all the things I liked in the past has been one of the worst parts of this.  She's connected to EVERYTHING.  I have no idea how to deal with this.  Being betrayed by someone in such a ruthless manner while still being in love with them is horrific.  I know you all understand just how I feel and it pains me to know others are suffering the same hurt I am.  Hang in there guys.  We will endure.  Somehow.  Someway.  She wasn't real, but the tears I've shed while writing this sure are... .  

I messed up the quote so I reposted.  Not doing too well here today.

[freshlySane]

on another thread someone told me of course your ex is happy she dump all her crap on you and she feels happy and fulfilled but guess what she has more crap to dump just on another person the crap comes from within. Its there condition. It hurts i am still hurt i am still in love with her but day by day i realized i am not to blame completely. they build you up and take you done that's what they do its not intentional its there view on the world. They need the perfect person to help them Perfect people don't exist. You can never be perfect for them ... .  they are bottomless buckets and you are pouring your water into an non fill able bucket... they need to repair the bucket. they do love you they did maybe still do but they are afraid of you your the enemy. your their childhood trauma playing out all over again. be a better friend to yourself that is the only way

[armsreach]

I had a really hard time with the hurtful words too. I believed just about everything he ever said, EVEN AFTER I first learned about BPD and had started working on myself. Sometimes I hear the words in my head on a bad day, it doesn't take much to conjure them up sometimes and start questioning myself. But, I do know (and am working to make it a more deeply seated knowledge within myself) that I am none of those things he accused me of.  

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly right now and can't get in to see the T very quickly. Is there a support group meeting  you could go to? I know that there are 3 groups that meet near my home. I will be starting to attend one regularly as soon as i can manage it. Do you have a friend or relative you can talk to? It's helped me immensely to have a good friend who is going through a similiar time.

Echoing a previous poster, this too shall pass. It's become my manta over the past few years (initially for a different reason, but I"ve adopted it for the situation I'm in now.)

[HardTruth]

Hi Really,

I'm so sorry to hear how bad you're feeling today.  I had a previous ex who dumped me - I think he was NPD/sociopath but some similarities for sure with BPD - betrayal, lies... we were such good friends, or so I thought.

Anyways, after he broke up with me, and then took up with my replacement, I had intense suicidal thoughts for a year.  I started getting counseling a couple months after the break-up - thank goodness!  The feeling I had was that what I was feeling was permanent.  I.e. I couldn't have him, and he was my soulmate, so I'll never be right again - was sort of the feeling, although I didn't have it intellectualized at that time.  It was HORRIBLE.  I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone.

But it passes.  It took 2 more years of therapy to get my head out of that. (depression and suicidal thoughts)  Would get worse again after running into him, her and their new baby (the year before we had aborted my baby with him).  Ugh.  Things get re-triggered, but they also hopefully pass faster.

I even had a nice, new boyfriend during that time, but ultimately you have to solve the problem within yourself in order to have a "cure", rather than a "bandaid".

IT GETS BETTER.  I PROMISE!

I can absolutely relate to 2010's posts on lonely child/abandoned child.

I went through depression again after I broke up with that next boyfriend.  But I knew what it was that time.  Went back into counseling.  :)id a lot of work.  Still doing the work.  Have a great life.  Am happy most of the time.

All the work is worth it.  Going through ups and downs re: your exgf is normal.  She is mentally and emotionally disordered. There's no way you could have stayed with her and been happy.  Now you have a chance to focus on yourself and reach a better place.

xo

[GustheDog]

they are bottomless buckets and you are pouring your water into an non fill able bucket... they need to repair the bucket. they do love you they did maybe still do but they are afraid of you your the enemy. your their childhood trauma playing out all over again. be a better friend to yourself that is the only way

You, sir, are making progress, freshlysane!

@really - The disorder was there before you came along, and it'll be there for the next person as well.  My ex knew something was wrong with her, and I could tell she didn't want to be splitting me - it was weird to watch it happen.  She'd be raging and hating, then look at me and tell me she loved me.  We were both being tormented by this disorder - I was crushed and disturbed by her behavior, and even more so at looking at the pain in her face and seeing this person I love behave like they've been possessed or something.

I remember during one rage, she was crying, and she was quite tense.  She pressed her fingers hard into her temples, closed her eyes, and strained.  In an exasperated voice, she said, "This is how it was in the end with [exbf before you]."

Just one more bit of evidence (if anecdotal) that everyone gets the same treatment in the end.  You can't negotiate with the disorder, and it is stronger than you are.

[freshlySane]

they are bottomless buckets and you are pouring your water into an non fill able bucket... they need to repair the bucket. they do love you they did maybe still do but they are afraid of you your the enemy. your their childhood trauma playing out all over again. be a better friend to yourself that is the only way

You, sir, are making progress, freshlysane!

@really - The disorder was there before you came along, and it'll be there for the next person as well.  My ex knew something was wrong with her, and I could tell she didn't want to be splitting me - it was weird to watch it happen.  She'd be raging and hating, then look at me and tell me she loved me.  We were both being tormented by this disorder - I was crushed and disturbed by her behavior, and even more so at looking at the pain in her face and seeing this person I love behave like they've been possessed or something.

I remember during one rage, she was crying, and she was quite tense.  She pressed her fingers hard into her temples, closed her eyes, and strained.  In an exasperated voice, she said, "This is how it was in the end with [exbf before you]."



Just one more bit of evidence (if anecdotal) that everyone gets the same treatment in the end.  You can't negotiate with the disorder, and it is stronger than you are.

My friend who has been my anchor through out this entire ordeal is soo smart he didn't know what BPD was and he explained her 100%

when i found out about this disorder a went off @really ive been there im still kinda there i wanted to commit suicide i even had a plan but something kept telling me no don't do it. I spoke to everyone possible no one could help me they didn't understand this kind of break up. If she is untreated she will continue to act in this manner Self awareness my friend self awareness for you and her but here the thing you can only do for you. 

funny story i wake up and i look in the mirror and i say Hi my name is Todd and I am addicted to a mentally Ill person it helps me. I know i am addicted and once i figure out completely what my addiction is ill heal. We want acceptance they offered that but they cant sustain that because they cant accept themselves.  No matter how much you try or did or do you cant help them only you for now.

If they want your help in the future then great hopefully your stable enough to help if not then you can walk away and feel you did your best.

[really]

Thank you for your responses. 

My ex loved Les Miserables (her favourite musical and mine).   

When my ex came into my life I felt like Marius.    I thought I had found the woman of my dreams.   I am left feeling like I was Éponine.   Just someone to be there until something greater came along.

Just listened to On My Own from the musical again.  The song has been in my head for weeks.    It sums up how I have felt since the break.

[freshlySane]

Thank you for your responses. 

My ex loved Les Miserables (her favourite musical and mine).   

When my ex came into my life I felt like Marius.    I thought I had found the woman of my dreams.   I am left feeling like I was Éponine.   Just someone to be there until something greater came along.

Just listened to On My Own from the musical again.  The song has been in my head for weeks.    It sums up how I have felt since the break.

Until they get help and realize what they do There will be no one greater. Why would someone give up love unconditional love and devotion a man or women that sets to the values of commitment.

[Changed4safety]

Really, it's mine too... .  and all my life, I felt like Eponine.  (I also look like how the character is portrayed and am a singer--it was always the role I wanted).  Telling. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

Your subject line says "Faulty Thinking".  I was in love with a dream, a fantasy.  Yes, I loved her, and I still love her (from a distance), but without treatment trying to maintain a relationship with her would be brutal.  I don't want that.  The reality is that when the switch flipped, she was colder to me than I believe just about anyone has ever been in my life.  It felt like my heart had been ripped out and thrown on the floor.  I try not to take it as personally now, because I realize how ill she is. 

My faulty thinking was that I could somehow 'make it all better', that she would magically want help and put all her efforts in treatment, etc.  The reality is our relationship was slowly deteriorating and becoming a nightmare instead of a wonderful dream.  We can heal from these relationships and still have great lives ahead of us.  I feel better than I did, so I know there is hope.

[myself]

What would help me guys right now if for someone to read some of my earlier posts and reinforce that it wasn't me. 

This is actually a good idea to do yourself. Go through your posts, emails, memories, whatever you have, sifting through the negative stuff to where the positives are. Those will be YOUR positives. That's who you really are. Don't accept a disordered view. Sifting for your positives will help you see the good things you have done and felt, shared with her, how you were there for someone else, etc. Focus on what is good about yourself, not the doubts that have been caused by someone else projecting their pains blame and shame onto you. If some of what she said was true, work on it. Turn the downward spiral into one that becomes one of your best. You can better yourself. Don't let anyone tear you down, not even yourself. Keep reaching out. You can grow through this.

[GustheDog]

What would help me guys right now if for someone to read some of my earlier posts and reinforce that it wasn't me. 

This is actually a good idea to do yourself. Go through your posts, emails, memories, whatever you have, sifting through the negative stuff to where the positives are. Those will be YOUR positives. That's who you really are. Don't accept a disordered view. Sifting for your positives will help you see the good things you have done and felt, shared with her, how you were there for someone else, etc. Focus on what is good about yourself, not the doubts that have been caused by someone else projecting their pains blame and shame onto you. If some of what she said was true, work on it. Turn the downward spiral into one that becomes one of your best. You can better yourself. Don't let anyone tear you down, not even yourself. Keep reaching out. You can grow through this.

This is great advice.  I realize now that the vast majority of the good times were the result of her mirroring "working" as it's intended.  The majority of the bad times were caused by her distorted thinking and my insecurities playing directly into it.

I would also suggest that the level of integrity that you have - your "caliber," so to speak - will be correlated with how poorly they treat you after you're split.  I think that one of the reasons they grow to resent us so much is because we embody qualities that they can only "fake" for a limited amount of time.

Their one redeeming quality, it seems, is that they do in fact desire to be good.  Unfortunately they lack the ability to improve beyond a level of functioning driven by pure, unrefined impulse.

Truly, my dog has a more evolved sense of loyalty than my ex.