Feelings of self

[benny2]

I have been doing alot of thinking about why I kept allowing this man to return into my life when I knew what the outcome would be every time. In the end, I lost everything. My home, my respect from my family and friends. They all have questioned me about why I keep letting him to this to me when I know he's only going to hurt me. I know I was hanging on to this happily ever after dream, the dream that he promised me, but I knew deep down inside there was a big chance it would not happen. I did it anyways. Was I secretly punishing myself? Or was I so starving for someone to love me, as I lived in a loveless marriage for 23 years, that I did not want to face the truth. Its painfull looking deep down inside for answers. I finally got my answers for the things he did to me, and I know they were not my fault, now I have to find the answers for why I allowed this.

[trouble11]

Diane ... .  I know part of this whole thing is figuring out why us.  My store reads exactly like yours.  I too sacrificed literally EVERYTHING I had for this r/s.  But, I'm having a really tough time with the why me part.  My only thing I can come up with is I was an only child.   I had healthy relationships,  I was fine living alone, didn't ever feel like I "needed" a man in my life, had lots of friends, did family stuff, successful business, etc... .  etc... .  etc... .      Maybe I'm in denial, I don't know.  Did my lonely child hide in the closet for 43 years and then come out to play with this BPD nightmare?  I keep looking back before him and trying to find where I was dysfunctional someplace else and I can't. 

[Newton]

diane22121... .  it seems like you are starting to make some really significant personal progress... .  

Shining a light on the motives that drove you to participate in the drama and chaos of a relationship with a pwBPD is very challenging, and very rewarding... .  

Anger, frustration, grief, resentment... .  they all have their place in detaching.

It sounds like now you are being introspective... .  

So what is it about your perception of yourself that would allow such negativity into your life?... .  

[morningagain]

For me I have recognized that I would "emotionally track" my mother.  Primarily when she became depressed.  I would feel like I 'betrayed' her in some way if I was happy while she was depressed.  This lead me to "emotionally track" my wife.  Really bad idea when your wife is emotionally dysregulated.

My father was largely absent.  I constantly sought his approval.  My self-esteem became dependent on the approval of others.  Chasing my wife around her disorder trying to regain her approval directly triggered her disorder and amplified it, which in turn emotionally dysregulated and confused me, spiraling down, down, down... .  

Emotional tracking is unhealthy and thus I need to become emotionally independent.  For any relationship.  Being emotionally dependent as much as I am on another places a burden on them that I do not want.

Placing my self esteem in the hands of another's approval places a burden on them, and inordinate power over me in their hands.  Not healthy for a relationship, for me, or for others.

Those are my two big insights into myself so far... .  

[daintrovert13]

My ex still insisted up until the break up that I fell in love with the lies she told to "get a chance"

with me. I would have been a fool to believe the things she told me in the beginning. Like the reason

for her scars were because she had to wrestle a pit bull to the floor while she was in an inner city fight and got bit in the process. Or that she have been travelling to Puerto Rico and Florida for modelling. Been on many flyers and attended many promotional parties etc. I met her when she was 18. I was 23. That would mean that she had just graduated and couldn't possibly been making those type of moves when she in had high school to attend. That and a host of other things she said "would make her more appealing and exciting to me". She's 24 now and still honestly believe she manipulated me in to loving her with those almost comical un truths. )=

[daintrovert13]

My ex still insisted up until the break up that I fell in love with the lies she told to "get a chance"

with me. I would have been a fool to believe the things she told me in the beginning. Like the reason

for her scars were because she had to wrestle a pit bull to the floor while she was in an inner city fight and got bit in the process. Or that she have been travelling to Puerto Rico and Florida for modelling. Been on many flyers and attended many promotional parties etc. I met her when she was 18. I was 23. That would mean that she had just graduated and couldn't possibly been making those type of moves when she in had high school to attend. That and a host of other things she said "would make her more appealing and exciting to me". She's 24 now and still honestly believe she manipulated me in to loving her with those almost comical un truths. )=

Sorry this was meant to be posted in "Re: Do you believe the BPD's victim stories?"

Not sure how it ended up here.