So I was examining the timeline of my 1.5 month relationship and the events that occurred and tracked back our issue to one key argument we had. If you'd like the rundown you can read either:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193462.0or
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193163.0Exactly 1 month into the dating phase (had known her for 8 months) we were over at an a friend's house. Quoting one of my prior threads:
About 3 weeks ago we went to an acquaintance of mine's house and on the ride there she was mentioning how she only wanted to pursue serious relationships that had a future. Once we got there she mentioned, "You are so beautiful" in front of them and I replied, "She says that all the time, I don't believe her" and pushed away her advances for affection when I involved in a intellectual conversation with them. On the ride home, she got pissed. She told me she did the guy's laundry and that's why she disappeared into the laundry room (adjacent the kitchen we were hanging out at). She also said that I wasn't ready for a relationship with her and was ignoring her the whole time.
After this incident she started the groundwork to move on and find another suitable partner and 2 weeks later she told me she wanted to "be free and see other people", basically breaking up.
Since our split I've had a lot of heart-to-heart talks with her about where would our friendship go from there and she was always receptive to hear my thoughts. I could sense she really did still have strong feelings for me (she told me she had feelings that strongly so soon and that she was falling for me just a few weeks earlier) and her feedback was very helpful to ease my pain that she had already moved on.
So at this point I accepted my loss and started to examine our relationship and it really seemed like it was the event I quoted earlier. I've been obsessing this message board and other internet-related articles since my split 10 days ago and had an epiphany. It was the book, "When Hope is Not Enough" by B Dobbs. Quoting the book,
"If emotions are important(attitude #1), not all people think the way you do (#2), no one has a corner on the truth (#3) and some things have to be accepted (#4), what we arrive at is the attitude that your values and judgments are not necessarily valid for other people. If someone is overcome with powerful negative emotions, we find
that:
1) it is important to them;
2) they are not thinking the same way you might;
3) your version of the truth in this situation does not match theirs; and
4) the fact that they are in this state is a truth and must be accepted.
Once those attitudes are applied to an emotional situation, you can start to be effective, even if being effective goes against the grain of what you deem is “right” or “good.”I then texted my ex and told her that I realized where I failed in the relationship and she was intriqued and called me to talk about it. I then brought back up the events of the night in question and the subsequent fallout, specifically her comment
you're not ready to be in a relationship with me. I talked about how I handled the situation and although I did nothing to ease her concerns about what had happened, I knew the trigger and wouldn't let it happen again. I also explained that it wasn't a big deal to me and that I knew how I felt with her and would continue to prove it to her over time (she knew I liked her as much she did me although i'm not emotional) and it felt like when she wanted to continue the argument she was questioning how I felt with her and that's why I ended the discussion and said I never wanted to talk about it again.
Then I told her about my biggest weakness, my lack of empathy because I have an under-developed emotion. I test as a very heavy thinker on the MBTI (prolly somewhere around 80%) and never thought it would be my achilles heel because I'm so intelligent (and slightly NPD although I'm legit and don't exaggerate my skills) and usually can think things through. She agreed, and said that I'm not very emotional and it was a problem for dealing with her when she had to deal with her emotions. I agreed, and then related to her that my first experience of feeling empathy was a year ago while talking to another friend and her past which I could relate to my own. Then I told her how I don't have many chances at dating the girls I desire (because i'm so shy) and whenever a relationship is over I then begin to examine what I could have done better so I started reading this book. She asked the title, I didn't want to give it, but finally digressed and gave it to her. Then I read the quote above and she agreed immediately and she started explaining how she is emotional and that i didn't provide her the empathy and emotional support she needed, and that she knew I wasn't very emotional but a great guy. I apologized to her for that night and when I read that piece it put me in tears. She thanked me for the apology and said that I really hurt her that night and that it meant a lot to her. She became more engaged and we seemed to have the chemistry we had prior to the split and ended the conversation on a good note.
I hope this helps anyone else out there who may lack the empathy I
ONCE did. Thanks everyone for your help you've enlightened me so much to the inner workings of emotion and how powerful it can be. Nothing has hurt me deeper than losing her and I won't let that happen again to anyone special in my life.
Empathy is essential and learning to to dissuade their concerns an absolute must when your s/o is emotionally insecure.
