Do I Tell Her About My Mistake?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Well, I had a "great moment in parenting" today and am left struggling with whether or not to tell my uBPDxw.

I took the kids to a festival, and a vendor had little toy catapults.  She used a mini marshmallow to demonstrate, but also had those little water beads, and gave my kids some to play with.  We had moved away from her booth and a while later S5 asked if he could eat a water bead.  I am embarrassed to say that I mistook these for another product, thinking they actually had a little bit of water/gel inside (edible)... .plus they were being used with the marshmallows.  I told him it was OK to try one, and I tried one as well.

They were tasteless and didn't have a very appealing texture when chewed.  No worries about wanting to eat any more either way.  But of course I later looked them up, and even though they're non-toxic I read plenty of scary things about how they can expand and cause problems.  Since we each just had one, and actually bit into them, the potential for expansion is not as problematic, and all indications are that they should pass with no issues.  Neither one of us has had any symptoms of side effects, though my inner critic has been going berserk all afternoon berating me for how I could be so stupid.

Anyway, now I'm obsessing over whether to tell my uBPDxw about my mistake.  I can already hear all the terrible things she would probably say in my own head.  In fact, my T has named my inner critic "little-uBPDxw."  Assuming there are zero symptoms between now and when the kids go back to her in a couple days, I'm really unsure.  I just figure they might say something about it themselves, and if I haven't said something then I know I'll get an explosion.  Thoughts?

mw

[mama-wolf]

Well, I had a "great moment in parenting" today and am left struggling with whether or not to tell my uBPDxw.

I took the kids to a festival, and a vendor had little toy catapults.  She used a mini marshmallow to demonstrate, but also had those little water beads, and gave my kids some to play with.  We had moved away from her booth and a while later S5 asked if he could eat a water bead.  I am embarrassed to say that I mistook these for another product, thinking they actually had a little bit of water/gel inside (edible)... .plus they were being used with the marshmallows.  I told him it was OK to try one, and I tried one as well.

They were tasteless and didn't have a very appealing texture when chewed.  No worries about wanting to eat any more either way.  But of course I later looked them up, and even though they're non-toxic I read plenty of scary things about how they can expand and cause problems.  Since we each just had one, and actually bit into them, the potential for expansion is not as problematic, and all indications are that they should pass with no issues.  Neither one of us has had any symptoms of side effects, though my inner critic has been going berserk all afternoon berating me for how I could be so stupid.

Anyway, now I'm obsessing over whether to tell my uBPDxw about my mistake.  I can already hear all the terrible things she would probably say in my own head.  In fact, my T has named my inner critic "little-uBPDxw."  Assuming there are zero symptoms between now and when the kids go back to her in a couple days, I'm really unsure.  I just figure they might say something about it themselves, and if I haven't said something then I know I'll get an explosion.  Thoughts?

mw

[Harri]

I would say no, don't tell her.  Why go looking for trouble... .

[BasementDweller]

Hi, mama-wolf 

I think this sounds like a very harmless, and honest mistake that isn't going to do any damage. I agree with Harri that you probably shouldn't mention it. No harm was done or intended, no reason to give your ex fodder to overreact.

[livednlearned]

You may feel in time that you can share things like this with her.

This first year it's ok to hold the reigns in a little as you figure out what is safe and not safe for you emotionally.

You're building strength and she's hurt right now -- this information will fuel that hurt and could even trigger abandonment fears about something worse happening to S5, none of it real. You are probably correct in guessing that this will be sprayed back at you.

If she discovers what happens, the key is to be honest.

"You're right. I can see why you would feel angry."

Then leave it at that. The rest is for you to work through and process with someone who is emotionally safe.

People must earn the privilege to hear your innermost thoughts and feelings.

She has lost that privilege.

[mama-wolf]

Thank you Harri, BD and LnL... .the FOG is really thick at the moment, which is why I figured I should bring it up here.

Then leave it at that. The rest is for you to work through and process with someone who is emotionally safe.

People must earn the privilege to hear your innermost thoughts and feelings.

She has lost that privilege.

This piece about emotional safety is especially poignant for me.  I wasn't really thinking about it in these terms, but that's ultimately what it's about, isn't it?  The lack/loss of emotional safety in our marriage was a major reason (if not the main reason) why I finally had to take that last step towards separation.  This isn't about two parents sharing information about an event or experience for the kids.  It's about no safety being there for me to be vulnerable in any way with her due to the extremely high probability that it will be used against me and will cause me more damage.

Thanks again for the sounding board.  Now I just need to get the "little uBPDxw" to shut up.

mw

[takingandsending]

Hi mama-wolf.

I have also experienced many of these "parenting moments". The approach I am coming to is trying to place no bars on the kids in terms of what they share or don't share with their mom, and accepting that I do not control uBPDxw's reactions. She is entitled to her feelings. I am entitled to not listen, read or respond to her feelings if they are attacking, which they usually are.

The harder part for me (maybe you, too?) is to allow myself to be an imperfect parent, and stop being afraid of my xw's judgment. I think I have to get to the point of not judging myself so harshly to reduce that fear of "having done something wrong."

[ForeverDad]

Let me preface this by saying I had an ex who was looking for things to use against me, especially at that time during the divorce.

My ex dragged my son to the ER a number of times to make her "my son told me... ." allegations.  At least once she even got forwarded to the regional child abuse center's floor.  Well, one time - and only one time - an ER doctor called me.  That was 02/24/2010.  I thanked her for calling, telling her that her call was the first call I'd ever received when he was still at the ER, usually I had to track down visits from the medical records.  She replied, "Oh no, we don't pay attention to the history, this is ER, we only deal with the immediate incident.  I called because I need to know, what drug did you give him?"

Back story, my ex had already dropped our son off at his elementary school but called saying son had told her I'd given him a white pill.  When I told her it was simply something commonly available to help him concentrate at school (a complaint I'd heard every year since kindergarten).  Well, that afternoon - he had been at school for hours - she checked him out early from school, took him downtown to the Children's ER reporting he had been acting crazy the night before and saying his brains were coming out.  (I had to request the records later to find that out.)

The doctor asked if I gave him any Benadryl, Tylenol or something else.  I mentioned the Cerecomp, about 3 tablets in all for the weekend, the recommended dosage is 3 tablets daily.  He was with me 6 overnights.  She already knew about this, asked if there was anything else and I said No.

I was appalled that the doctor didn't care that some visits were contrived so a parent could posture as concerned in a custody case.  I guess I don't know children's ER policies... .

In this incident I didn't say anything, it was my son who innocently mentioned it and my ex ran with it.  If you don't make the nibble a big issue, neither your child nor the ex will notice anything untoward.  Of course, be alert just in case his digestive tract gets blocked but as you already know, that's highly unlikely.

Think of this impulse as oversharing or TMI.  Sharing Too Much Information invites sabotage.

[livednlearned]

A key to healing can also be thinking about what you model to your kids (versus what she models) around making mistakes.

It's ok to make a mistake, in fact it's essential to growth and learning.

We don't have to be perfect and it's impossible, anyway.

Being accountable helps us process the mistake so we learn from it.

That's doesn't mean announcing it to the world without checking the safeguards to make sure your vulnerability isn't exploited. No point allowing someone else to weaponize the mistake and double the pain.

My son and I both had a lot of physical symptoms around making mistakes and the need to be perfect. It can really jack up your nervous symptom when you're always waiting for the shoe to drop. I find it helpful to describe physical sensations when I make mistakes, it was a way to process feelings.

A few months ago I drove into the garage door as it was coming down. It shattered the back window glass. S17 was in the car. He immediately started to talk about physical experience --"It felt like someone shot at us! My whole body is trembling. I feel my ears ringing from the sound and my hands are shaking."

Then he looked at me, "You look scared and shocked. That was freaky -- I feel a bit nauseated. Stop trying to pick up glass! You are probably in shock and not thinking straight."

I feel like that summarizes how I learned to model mistakes. Take it in, process it, figure out what's happening to whomever is involved, express it, hold it, turn it over.

No freaking out, no blaming, no negative self talk, just checking to make sure we're safe and ok so we can move on to problem solving.

Your kids will do what you do 

[formflier]

My vote is not to share.  Focus on what you tell/model your child.

If it ever gets to your ex and gets back to you, deal with that... then.

Keep up the good work!

FF

[mama-wolf]

I have also experienced many of these "parenting moments". The approach I am coming to is trying to place no bars on the kids in terms of what they share or don't share with their mom, and accepting that I do not control uBPDxw's reactions.

Yes, takingandsending, I'm on the same page here.  I don't want to play that game of making the kids feel like they have to keep secrets.  (uBPDxw tried to make it sound like I had done that during a prior conflict).  I want them to know they can share whatever happens.  It's up to her to respond appropriately to the kids if she learns something that upsets her, and save the emotional outbursts for another time.  I much prefer that they come at me than for her to blow up in front of the kids.

The harder part for me (maybe you, too?) is to allow myself to be an imperfect parent, and stop being afraid of my xw's judgment.

Definitely a hard part for me.  I really struggle with letting go of some of the high expectations I apparently have for myself.  I didn't have this kind of trouble until more recently.  My T suggested that it's me inadvertently filling the vacuum of criticism left by my uBPDxw's absence.  Since she's not here to do it to me on a daily basis, I'm trying to reestablish the "equilibrium" that I had become accustomed to by doing it to myself.  I think it's really starting to piss me off, but then I shy away from that emotion.

In this incident I didn't say anything, it was my son who innocently mentioned it and my ex ran with it.

Think of this impulse as oversharing or TMI.  Sharing Too Much Information invites sabotage.

Thank you for sharing that story, FD.  At this point, there's really not much my uBPDxw can do about the arrangements in our separation and custody order, though I suppose she could drag the PC into the mix.  I wouldn't put it past her to overreact at some point in a way similar to your ex.

A key to healing can also be thinking about what you model to your kids (versus what she models) around making mistakes.

No matter how terrible I was feeling internally, I absolutely downplayed this particular situation to the kids and then let it drop.  I just made a point of clarifying "by the way kids it turns out we're not supposed to eat those water beads, and weren't they gross anyway, but it was only one and we're fine, etc."  Thanks for sharing your story as well, LnL.

My vote is not to share.  Focus on what you tell/model your child.

Thank you for chiming in, FF!  With all the feedback here, I'm comfortable not sharing the incident at this point.  I'll deal with her reaction only if there is one.

mw

[Turkish]

If it makes you feel better,  call poison control.  On the off chance she finds out,  you did tour due diligence. 

Aside from that,  I wouldn't volunteer information other than that which needs to be volunteered.  My ex suffers from Anxiety, and she can be a helicopter (Apache) mom even it comes to the kids,  injuries real or perceived. Don't give the attack helicopter ammo.